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Five questions from Avitable

Almost two years ago, there was a fun five-question interview meme that went around the interwebs. I thought the holidays would be a nice time to revive it.

It’s interactive and very simple. To get it started, I’m going to repost the five answers I gave to the questions I was originally asked by Mr. Fabulous. If you want to participate, just read the instructions at the bottom.

Here we go…

1. I know you have a very strong drive to be successful. Would you prefer to make a lot of money with very little notoriety, or have a very moderate income but be very famous?

Above all things, I am an attention whore. But I’m also a high-maintenance attention whore. I believe that negative attention is better than no attention at all. At the same time, I have a certain lifestyle, and I’m not willing to compromise on that lifestyle – I need my expensive shampoos, weekly shaves, bacon cheeseburgers on demand, and midget hookers. Since I am an entrepreneur at heart, I think that if I was very famous and had a moderate income, I would soon be able to parlay that fame into a significant income, therefore having my cake and eating it too.

2. Having met your wife Amy I can attest that she is smart, funny, attractive, accomplished and charming. So what’s the deal, really? How is it YOU manage to hang onto a woman like that?

Every night, when she comes home from work, I help her into her robe, get her slippers, give her a beer, and fluff her pillows on the couch. Then, I make dinner while listening intently to how her day was and responding accordingly. Finally, before she eats, I give her a full neck and shoulder massage. And right before she eats, I drug her food and perform nightly hypnosis that cements our relationship to the rock of love and trust that it currently is.

3. I suspect that you are like a Cadbury Egg, in that you are hard on the outside but soft and gooey on the inside. Also, you taste good. When is the last time that you had a good cry?

You’d be wrong. I’m just as tough and mean on the inside as I am on the outside. My heart is just a shriveled up piece of coal, and whatever soul I had as a kid disappeared long ago. I’m not nice or friendly or courteous or nostalgic or sappy or respectful. I last cried when Bruce Willis died in Armageddon because he was such a fucking retard to give up his spot for some young punk. Before that, I think I was 12.

4. You have made no secret of your disdain for vegetables and your unholy alliance with all things meaty. Just how impacted IS your colon?

I get plenty of roughage when I eat meat, because I don’t bother unwrapping the sandwiches. Cardboard, paper, meat, cheese, and all. It all goes down the gullet. And we’ll see who’s laughing when I live to be 143 on a diet of cheeseburgers, birthday cake, and Diet Coke.

5. Inevitably, after both our significant others have come to their senses and left us and you and I get together to drown our sorrows in diet soda and carnal pleaures, which of us will be pitching and which of us will be catching?

If I’m catching, I’ll at least be able to surf the web at the same time, or do some work. so that sounds better for me. Pitching sounds like too much work.

Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, β€œInterview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

I’ll interview anyone who comments and wants to participate.

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65 Replies to “Five questions from Avitable”

  1. Lisa

    I just about died of laughter at your answer to question #4.

    I don’t want to be interviewed (since I’m not sure I could answer any of your questions on a blog that my entire family reads), I’m just commenting so I can keep track of who does.

  2. SciFi Dad

    You present an interesting conundrum. On the one hand, your questions are certain to be at least insightful and provide interesting blog fodder. On the other hand, you also have a propensity for the profane, the vulgar, the disgusting. Signing up for an interview from you could yield an enlightening post, or the equivalent of shoving a microwaved burrito up your ass.

    Meh. I’m in. Interview me, please.

  3. Maria

    That idea is so much better than the one I had. I should have asked you for more details on it before.

    But you’ve still got to ask a shitload of questions which proved to be too daunting of a task for me.

  4. Grant

    Please interview me. My brain has hit a dry patch and I’ve been unable to blog about much other than posting pictures of hot Asian women. To make it easy, you could ask me “Can you post a picture of a hot Asian woman?” five times.

  5. Faiqa

    OK- interview me. Also, I just want to say that if I were a free spirit like you, I would def. put a way a 2L of Diet Pepsi in two hours, too. (And, yes, I noticed you wrote “Diet Coke” up there… I’ll keep that in mind next time.)

  6. that girl

    oooh…oooohhh,!me!me! (waving hand furiously in the air, eyes bulging, forehead wrinkled, while everyone in the room rolls their eyes) memememememem!!!!!!!!!

    Also, let me shift gears for a minute and to the person up there whining about getting up at five? Bite me. Watch me bust that five am wide open..because I woke up at 4:15 squished between two toddlers, one of which was either sweating profusely or had pissed all over the bed, only to stumble into the bathroom to find a little shitzu pile of shit in the middle of the floor..

    BAM! Fo’fi’teen

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