My second and final top ten list for 2008 is a list of awesome things that didn't actually happen. So let's kick back and reminiscimagine:
10. On November 4th, Senator Barack Obama won the state of Texas.
9. On January 22nd, Heath Ledger survived a drug overdose by jamming Ashley Olsen down his throat to induce vomiting.
8. On March 7th, every airline across the country reported that every flight for that day was on-time, landed early, and had a historically low number of crying babies and drunk people.
7. On September 15th, a huge multinational corporation went out of business, but not before the executives admitted that they were solely responsible, mismanaged their duties, were underqualified and overpaid, and gave away their salaries to ensure that the pensions of the other employees stayed intact.
6. On August 11th, two self-proclaimed Bigfoot Hunters were found mauled to death by an unknown creature while they were purportedly trying to pass off a rubber gorilla suit as a genuine Sasquatch corpse.
5. On May 13th, the Reverend Fred Phelps and his entire in-bred congregation and family over at Westboro Baptist Church were killed when the bus they were all riding on the way to protest another funeral accidentally exploded. Investigators said that it looked like a land mine, but they were ruling it an accident.
4. On October 28th, the Surgeon General announced that frequent masturbation among men has long-term benefits, including an increase in length of up to four inches, a slow reversal of male-pattern baldness and an increase in the man's IQ by 15 points.
3. On June 19th, Steve Jobs announced the new iPhone firmware update, which gave the user their choice of superpowers. The only caveat was that the user could only use the superpower to help other Apple users and if you wanted to change powers, you couldn't upgrade or switch out parts – you had to go buy a brand new iPhone.
2. On February 9th, citing the disintegration of the institution of marriage, the religious right pushed for states to enact legislature that limited marriage as an action that can only be performed between "a church-going, God-fearing man and woman who agree to keep their marriage intact even at the sake of their own happiness, and only when this union is approved by a minister or priest." The new concept of "shmarriage" for everyone else takes off like wildfire.
1. On April 15th, the IRS declared that "taxes are boring" and "all of your money is imaginary anyways" and declined to accept any tax returns that required payments to be made.
What's your favorite non-moment of 2008?
Happy New Year!
– this claustrophobic thriller has some excellent twists and turns and an all-female cast that never feels off-balance, cliched, or estrogeny.
– Casey Affleck stars in his brother's directorial debut in this very slow-burning, hard-boiled mystery based on the series by 
.
– I've seen this movie four or five times and I think it is a flawless movie. The cast, the writing, the story – it's perfect.
– What if Godzilla attacked New York and the only evidence you had was from a camcorder owned by a hapless resident? This movie is a unique look at a classic concept and it works amazingly well. You get just enough information and visual evidence to barely sate your curiosity without feeling like there is any real narration or omniscient perspective.
– Almost as creepy as 
, which is a task in and of itself.
– This was one of the year's most criminally overlooked movies. Jason Statham demonstrates why he needs to be in everything.
– Robert Downey, Jr. manages to make the role where he dons a flying suit of armor to become a superhero his second-most interesting role of the year!
– I love Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell and the concept of a Dracula musical is intriguing. This movie feels genuine and has real, genuine laughs and love.
– Robert Downey, Jr. in his best role of the year, along with a stellar cast, including a great cameo by Tom Cruise. The satire in sharp and the laughs are continuous. I love this movie!
– Heath Ledger was the Joker. His transformation into this character felt so complete that I am transfixed every time he's on screen. There's no way a third film can top this one.
– This movie was a satisfying adaptation of the award-winning Darwyn Cooke series, and if the movie studios paid attention, their next big superhero ensemble movie would take some notes.
