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I need your help, Internets.

Dear smart people of the Internet,

I need your help.

You see, I must have these night vision goggles for Christmas.

However, I need to have some rational reasons for why a grown man in his thirties would NEED a pair of night vision goggles!

So far, I’ve come up with the following:

1. Hurricane preparedness – if the power goes out, I’ll be able to see much easier.
2. Apocalyptic preparedness – when the world ends, you’ll wish you had a pair.
3. Nighttime searching – if you lose something in the yard, this is much easier than carrying a flashlight.
4. Save electricity – at night, who needs lights when you have night vision?

But I need more legitimate reasons for me to buy these awesome items for myself as a Christmas gift.

Help me Internet, you’re my only hope!

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62 Replies to “I need your help, Internets.”

  1. Kat

    For when the zombies attack man!
    You know that you’re going to need these, some guns, ok, make that a lot of guns, a really big vehicle like a tank, some more guns, food, water, more guns, ammo, can’t forget the ammo!

    You need these, you have to be able to be up on the roof of the mall at night and be able to see the zombies so you can shoot them in their heads. Duh!
    You could be the soul survivor/savior when the zombies attack if you have these.
    Total no brainer man, think of the people you could save from the flesh eating zombies, you could be the hero man.

  2. cris

    Top Ten Reasons Avitable Should Buy the Night Vision Goggles.

    #10 As the economy takes a downturn for the entire world, you know you will need to protect your family business with occasional slips into corporate espionage. Night vision goggle just means Amy will have to spend less time bailing your ass out of jail. So really, the gift is as much for her as it is for you.

    9. It’s like cheating on your Ninja Certification tests.

    8. People do things all the time in an effort to improve their vision. These goggles are cheaper than laser eye surgery, so really you are saving money!

    7. I’m pretty sure Dave2 doesn’t have a pair, so you could be the first kid on your Blog to own a pair.

    6. Because frankly, that Britt chick scares the hell out of you! Any extra protection is worth any price.

    5. You could totally drive without headlights. It would be like being invisible. You would have your real super powers.

    4. It would be cool to get all of your employees in a dark room and wearing the goggles… and then turn on the lights.

    3. They will provide you with entertainment when you visit places without internet connection.

    2. Maybe… just maybe… when you are watching those movies with real bad lighting, if you wore your goggles you could tell what the hell was going on!

    and the top reason to buy the Night Vision Goggles: While Amy prefers the lights out… you enjoy looking at YOUR partner.

  3. Crys

    see, i don’t think you can use nighttime searching, since last i saw you, you found a set of keys in the dark in your front yard — a set of keys i passed over like nine times.

    i would just say you’re really a CIA agent and that you need them for covert ops, mainly skulking around bushes on your way to hot girls’ homes so you can peep them.

    truth is always the answer, my friend

  4. Bridget

    To up your skill level of Peeping Tom-ness. What perv wouldn’t NEED a pair of these? Also, I’m pretty sure owning a pair of night vision goggles would official move you up a rung to level 9.8 Dork, so you’ve got that going for you too.

  5. Jay

    Because you’ll need them to to spy on your smoking hot 21 year old neighbor who hang out outside late at night during the summer months in VERY short skirts.

    Wait. That’s why I need them. Sorry.

    You need them because, from time to time, the government calls on you to lead a rescue mission of Christian women and children missionaries in South America.

  6. Sarcastica

    Ask yourself; has Avitable bought something needless and random for himself in a while, or is he pretty good with his money? Because if you’re pretty good with your money; buy it.

    It’s in human nature to indulge.

    Even if they do get used for a pervet’s need, it’s still a need…is it not?

  7. stephanie

    if you watched HIMYM, I would say it fits very well into Lilly’s list of reasons to have sex… night vision goggles! (plus, she was willow, so that fits into your other post 🙂

    hope your turkey day was awesome! 🙂

  8. Becky

    To justify this purchase, you need only to reference the last 20 minutes of Silence of the Lambs. (To defend yourself when trapped in the lair of a crossdressing, skin-sewing serial killer, for Christ’s sake!)

  9. Poppy

    Dawg relayed this post verbally to me and my first thought was that you should use the glasses to find Amy’s hoohoo in the dark.

    I said “vagina” but that seems a bit crass, considering I’ve met Amy and know she’s never, ever crass.

    Ok, bye.

    (And you said you missed me.)

  10. martymankins

    Catching crickets outside. Because when you are trying to sleep and they are noisy, turning on a light and walking around will scare them away, but only while you outside wandering. With these night vision goggles, you can go out once in really quiet shoes, find each one, place it into a mayo jar. Then take the mayo jar full of crickets over to the neighbor’s house and place it inside of their milk delivery container.

    Now you can get some sleep.

    If that doesn’t work, just buy then and say you got tired of stepping on the cat’s tail on your way to pee in the middle of the night.

  11. Fantasy Writer Guy

    Because if the planet gets attacked by borg-type aliens and you’re wearing these they might think you’re one of them and you’ll be spared. The human race will have one survivor. You can then mate with a green woman and re-populate the (half-) human race.

  12. hello haha narf

    i have the perfect excuse for you to buy those awesome night vision goggles! the other day a local morning dj called off work because he was looking for his dog. the little rat terrier, gizmo, was chased by a group of bloodhounds. jimmy krenn quickly got the word out that the dog was missing and all media picked up on the story. that led to people coming out of the woodwork to help search for the scared dog. eventually they found little gizmo, but today on the radio jimmy said folks even showed up at night with night vision goggles to help in the search.

    SOOOOO…if jiggy ever gets loose you will need the goggles to find her!

    now that you have the perfect excuse, can i play with them after you get em?

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