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Liquid ass fire

For someone who’s a control freak with a few other proclivities, there are a few things that make trips stressful.

First, just staying in someone else’s home isn’t really that fun. Even if they have a comfortable house, it’s still not your home. At least with a hotel, you have your own place that you’re paying for. And when your room contains a full-size bed which needs to house one normal person, one large gorilla, and a medium-sized dog, it’s hard to get a good night’s sleep. But that’s okay, because your snoring, which sounds like fourteen thousand rusty industrial saws cutting down fourteen thousand chain link fences, manages to keep everyone else up. Even if everyone has earplugs in. Until, of course, you get banished to the loft on the other side of the house where you get to sleep on an air mattress in a huge empty room with lots of little crawlspace doors and you keep dreaming that there are evil trolls behind those doors who are going to quietly open them up and stab you to death while you sleep.

Secondly, you’re at the mercy of the owner’s technological failings. For example, a large house that only has DSL in one room without any wireless possibilities presents serious obstacles to someone like myself who likes to stay online all day long. This issue is easily resolved by purchasing a Wireless Router for $80 and setting it up for free for the owners. Even if you don’t really tell them that you’re doing it. And even if their Mac stops working as a result and you have to work on it for a while just to get them back to the caveman-way of life to which they are accustomed.

Finally, as someone who refuses to use public bathrooms at all, I dread using one in someone else’s home. It’s almost as bad, but I’m able to handle it. I know, I’m quite the adventurous soul.

But you know what makes it all that much worse?

Liquid fire pouring from your ass every hour.

Am I home yet?

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31 Replies to “Liquid ass fire”

  1. Kelley

    I hear you about the not using other peoples bathrooms… apparently that freaky eyed dude on Oprah that tells us we are all gunna die or some shit says that it is like a real DISORDER and stuff.

    I am hoping for a telethon.

  2. Grant

    I’m past the “passing lava” phase of my illness and onto the “napping 14 hours a day” part. Besides, I have my own problems. I couldn’t order a pizza on xmas day and had to eat leftover Chinese food. I don’t know what you and Africa are whining about when I have my own private hell to face.

  3. techherding

    I’m afraid that you’re mis-pronouncing “warh-lass”, son. Get with the accent down here.

    When I used to visit mom and dad, I’d call up the cable company and start service. Then I’d use it for two weeks, and when I’d leave I’d call them and tell them it just wasn’t working out and wanted to use the cancellation privilege.

    Worked every time.

  4. Sybil Law

    Are you driving home? how are you going to drive home? Immodium is some really good shit (no pun intended!)!
    Best of luck!
    Liquid ass fire… :lmao: (It’s funny ’cause it’s true…)… I don’t mean to laugh AT you, but that phrase just makes me laugh!

  5. Hilly

    Remember how I kept running to the back bathroom even though you were displeased with me for doing so? Yeah, that exact reason…not wanting to go poop between yours and Britt’s offices, thanks.

    But I totally hear you. Some people are easy to stay with (both you and Britt were) because they are more easy going but others (like my sister)? I’d much rather have a hotel room too!

  6. Janna

    Look on the bright side: if the evil trolls are also experiencing constant bouts of liquid ass fire, they feel much too miserable to stab you to death while you sleep.

    Unless, of course, random murder helps them to vent their frustrations about the situation, in which case you may be screwed.

    Certainly Florida is eager to have you back as soon as possible.
    Ignore the rumors.

  7. Blondefabulous

    :shit: :shit: :shit: :shit: :shit:

    You did purchase the “Liquid Ass Fire” insurance when you picked up your rental vehicle… right? If I still had any of my Celiac medicine, I’d send you some. It would stop me up for days and I would see pretty colors and strange talking cartoon animals!

    BTW… you site “flushed” this comment the first time I tried to make it. Fucker! :pissed:

  8. gail

    I’m the same, would rather stay in a cheap hotel than someone elses house – upsets the family though.

    I sympathise with the sting ring, had the same myself a while ago. Did you know that just the thought helps me to spell diarrhoea?

    Dia Run, run, hurry or else accident.

    Of course you heathens probably spell it wrong anyway like color and not colour.

  9. hello haha narf

    way cool of you to gift them with the wireless. you rock.

    i wonder what is wrong with me that i have no problem crapping anywhere. when i have to go, i have to go. the way i look at it is that EVERYone craps so if i am just going to do something biologically necessary, why should i care. it would bother me more to shit my pants.

    also? i love staying in the homes of friends and family. don’t get me wrong, i love a good hotel also, but i really do love staying with others. reminds me of sleepovers that i loved as a kid.

  10. Avitable

    Amanda, I had to live with it for another full day!

    Mik, I think I had a bad tuna sandwich at Subway on the drive up there.

    Dave, stupid Macs!

    SwanShadow, that’s what that was!

    Kelley, Oprah? Do I look like someone who would know someone on Oprah? 😀

    Grant, that’s miserable.

    Jennifer, that might be part of it, but it was worse than that.

    Angel, it’s worth it for the awesomeness of WiFi.

    Ed, exactly!

    Maria, thanks. 🙂

    Geeky, that’s precisely my point. I need it to survive!

    TechHerding, I’ve done that too!

    Laurin, well, that’s nice.

    e.Craig, I’m like Santa. Except cooler.

    Sybil, that was my big fear.

    Crystal, bad Subway. And I’m never leaving my fiefdom again.

    Poppy, no, it just didn’t quite understand that it wasn’t hooked up directly to the modem anymore.

    BE Earl, it’s not about them – it’s about me!

    Hilly, yeah, but that was our master bathroom – my private space! 🙂

    Janna, nope – it was just me.

    Robin, luckily it abated before the drive home.

    Blondefabulous, they didn’t offer me that insurance option, unfortunately.

    Metalmom, I should try that sometime.

    Gail, well, I wouldn’t want to stay in a cheap hotel, either. I need luxury!

    Turnbaby, same here – I love having people over.

    jGrrl, what medication do you take?

    Becky, me either – I refuse to use public restrooms unless I have absolutely no choice.

    Hello, you’re just a simpler, gentler soul, I think.

    Pixie, I think I’d prefer someone’s house to a public place, actually.

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