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My prayer to Jeebus

I’m writing this on Saturday night. Soon I shall be waking up and packing the car for the eight hour drive back home. Before I go to sleep, here is the prayer I will offer up:

Dear Jeebus,

In the spirit of your holy birthday, we made this journey to a primitive land to share happiness and gifts. And lo, I have been stricken with an illness that causes liquid fire from hell itself to spill forth from the very depths of my bowels.

Lord, I have prostrated myself on the throne of porcelain at each bell’s toll and I have prayed and lamented loudly as my sins poured through my sore anus.

As we embark on our arduous journey, please watch over us and please divert all police officials to obstruct the paths of real sinners and Mormons and Jews.

And, glory to you on highest, please use your holy superpowers to temporarily close my posterior orifice, thus preventing the continuous anal flow of sin and hellfire until we have reached our destination.

In your name, forever and ever, unless you force me to have to pull over to shit at a gas station or restaurant, in which case I’m going to give this whole Satan thing a shot.

Aaaaaaa-men.

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28 Replies to “My prayer to Jeebus”

  1. hello haha narf

    after a prayer like that, i am kind of hoping you crap your pants on the way home. you can’t give the sweet baby jesus, lying in a manger, an ultimatum!

    p.s. i’m glad you are coming home. don’t like when you are away in the primitive land. makes me feel like something could happen to you. deliverance style.

  2. Avitable

    Blondefabulous, I did not get that insurance. I’ll look for it next time.

    Ginger, no, I wanted the force NOT to be with me!

    Robin, it actually ended up being okay.

    Sarah, probably.

    Honeybell, other than traffic extending out trip three hours, my prayers were answered.

    LMSS, I totally should have bought some of those!

    Robin, it was indeed evil, too.

    BE Earl, I’ve always been Catholic.

    Trukindog, look at you, whoring out another link in my comments! Bastard.

    Tracy, I didn’t take any meds – I wanted it to work itself out naturally.

    Grant, I don’t think he’s that fun, either, though.

    Hello, oh, but I did!

    Stacey, I was destined to be a priest.

    Crystal, and he did. Phew.

    Poppy, EW! That’s even worse!

    Sybil, I don’t like medication of any kind.

    Sandi, prayer will do that.

    Hilly, and I did!

    Golfwidow, brilliant.

    Dragon, what blasphemy? I prayed, didn’t I?

    LeSombre, true. I’m like Sunnydale.

    Fidget, I was – how’d you guess?

    Turnbaby, is this experience talking? 😛

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