I’m writing this on Saturday night. Soon I shall be waking up and packing the car for the eight hour drive back home. Before I go to sleep, here is the prayer I will offer up:
Dear Jeebus,
In the spirit of your holy birthday, we made this journey to a primitive land to share happiness and gifts. And lo, I have been stricken with an illness that causes liquid fire from hell itself to spill forth from the very depths of my bowels.
Lord, I have prostrated myself on the throne of porcelain at each bell’s toll and I have prayed and lamented loudly as my sins poured through my sore anus.
As we embark on our arduous journey, please watch over us and please divert all police officials to obstruct the paths of real sinners and Mormons and Jews.
And, glory to you on highest, please use your holy superpowers to temporarily close my posterior orifice, thus preventing the continuous anal flow of sin and hellfire until we have reached our destination.
In your name, forever and ever, unless you force me to have to pull over to shit at a gas station or restaurant, in which case I’m going to give this whole Satan thing a shot.
Aaaaaaa-men.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
:shit: Like I said before… did you get the “Liquid Ass Fire” insurance when you picked up your vehicle? That may be something to think about in the future! :shit:
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Twitter: GingerSnaps
says:
Oh god…hallelujah…I feel the spirit!!! Oh wait…I think that’s gas… :shit:
Good luck. May the force be with you.
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
Ew. That sounds horrid. Hope you are miraculously healed and have a safe journey. :angel:
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I think the sin and hellfire spillage is Jeebus’s way of pointing and laughing.
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May you and your aching anus have an uneventful and safe trip home.
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Dear Lord,
Please deliver Avitable from the plague that has taken over his body. Please grant him release from this horrible affliction.
If this is not possible, please give him the blessing of a product called Adult Diapers.
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
Deliver Avitable from the evil that is liquid ass fire!!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
So you converted. Nice. :sex011:
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Dear Lord Baby Jeebus
Please put a cork in Avitables poop chute for his ride home but don’t let him explode from built up presure cause I’m sure that would kill everyone in the vehicle, and Lord Jeebus guide Avitable and all his readers to go here http://askspikeonline.com/ and vote for my boy Jesse.
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
Dude, I well know the agony of the Assplague. Imodium, G2 and, as a last resort, antibiotics. It probably won’t help you to know that it was probably caused by someone’s poor hygiene.
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Definitely switch to the dark side. Satan is just as invisible and useless, but way more fun.
Come…join us…don’t be afraid.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
after a prayer like that, i am kind of hoping you crap your pants on the way home. you can’t give the sweet baby jesus, lying in a manger, an ultimatum!
p.s. i’m glad you are coming home. don’t like when you are away in the primitive land. makes me feel like something could happen to you. deliverance style.
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That was beautiful. You missed your calling.
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some say Satan is underrated. me? i think Jeebus will do good by you.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Why did you not just bring a package of toilet paper with you so you could go shit in the woods? Cleaner.
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IMMODIUM, dude! It works. And it won’t piss off baby Jebus, either.
Safe traveling!
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you made me snort my coffee this morning!
Safe travels…:)
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I hope that you and your bowels have a safe and uneventful voyage home.
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Someday soon we all may be together,
If the Fates allow,
Until then, you’ll have to muddle through somehow …
Be careful driving home with lava-spurting bowels.
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That’s right. Keep poking the bear with your blasphemy. You know, there are worse things the liquid ass fire. :lmao:
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
I think on some level I always knew you were a gateway to hell.
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were you wearing a blond wig for your drive? I ask because i may have possibly seen you crapping on the side of the road….
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THis is why they make adult diapers;-)
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Blondefabulous, I did not get that insurance. I’ll look for it next time.
Ginger, no, I wanted the force NOT to be with me!
Robin, it actually ended up being okay.
Sarah, probably.
Honeybell, other than traffic extending out trip three hours, my prayers were answered.
LMSS, I totally should have bought some of those!
Robin, it was indeed evil, too.
BE Earl, I’ve always been Catholic.
Trukindog, look at you, whoring out another link in my comments! Bastard.
Tracy, I didn’t take any meds – I wanted it to work itself out naturally.
Grant, I don’t think he’s that fun, either, though.
Hello, oh, but I did!
Stacey, I was destined to be a priest.
Crystal, and he did. Phew.
Poppy, EW! That’s even worse!
Sybil, I don’t like medication of any kind.
Sandi, prayer will do that.
Hilly, and I did!
Golfwidow, brilliant.
Dragon, what blasphemy? I prayed, didn’t I?
LeSombre, true. I’m like Sunnydale.
Fidget, I was – how’d you guess?
Turnbaby, is this experience talking?
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
This post moved me. Have you ever had to shit in a urine trough at a bar? No? Then you haven’t had a REAL emergency.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
Dear Adam,
Try Immodium. Repeatedly.
Hugs and Kisses,
Jeebus.
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Twitter: bubblewench
says:
One word for fire ass… Immodium.
Trust me. I have major stomach issues and fire ass is part of my daily life. Immodium stops that shit. Every pun intended.
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As I was reading this I thought to myself: Is there not anything on the internet that I won’t masturbate to these days.
Seriously, you are hilarious and in my bookmarks. Aaaaaaa-men
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