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I want a Cadillac Escalade


I’ll be honest. I’m not a car person. I can change a tire, a battery, the oil, and I know enough to diagnose the basic problems that might go wrong, but beyond that, I’m pretty clueless. I like to drive, and I want to be able to drive quickly and safely, and that’s about all.

But now I think I want to become a car snob. For my recent trip to Charlotte for Christmas, I rented a Lincoln Navigator through Hertz. It was a car I was familiar with and enjoyed quite a bit. Hertz didn’t have one, though, so they gave me a Cadillac Escalade instead.

It barely had 2,000 miles on it and was pretty much brand new. It even still had that new car smell to it. And I think I’m in love.

Leather heated seats. A heated steering wheel. Individual climate control. A touch-screen Sirius/XM Radio and navigation system. A rear-view camera. 6-disc CD/DVD player. A 6.2L 8-cylinder engine. And a presence on the road that convinced all dawdlers and slow drivers to get over into the other lane.

Driving the 1500 mile round trip to Charlotte has convinced me that I want – no, that I NEED – one of these cars. I could go buy one, but they are a bit expensive. If I got a good interest rate and negotiated a good deal, the monthly payment wouldn’t be too burdensome, but I don’t think Amy’s totally on board with that.

So I think I should just ask Cadillac to give me one. What do you think? Here’s the letter I’ve prepared:

“Dear Cadillac Public Relations people (aka very important people),

This has been a tough year for SUVs, hasn’t it? With high gas prices and a crumbling economy, people seem to be favoring smaller, more fuel efficient cars over the large luxury vehicles that are usually top sellers. I can imagine that your goal for 2009 is to rehabilitate the reputation of the luxury SUV, and I have an idea that just might help.

Give me a 2009 Cadillac Escalade. After having recently rented an Escalade for a family vacation, I fell in love with the style, the luxury, and the handling, and I will be a massive proponent of the Cadillac Escalade.

Who am I, though? I am just a blogger who reaches thousands of people with my words. I am just a business owner who works with high-income professionals. I am just a regular person with a doctorate, in a household earning an upper middle-class income, defining your perfect demographic.

Is having an objective third-party regularly lavish affection on the Cadillac Escalade in front of an audience of thousands worth $65,000? I certainly think so.

If you agree, please contact me by phone (818-398-2079) or by email at adam (at) avitable (dot) com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours truly,

Adam Heath Avitable
Cadillac Escalade Fan”

Does anyone know any higher-ups at Cadillac with an open mind?

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33 Replies to “I want a Cadillac Escalade”

  1. NYCWD

    Obviously, you suck in the sales department.

    You should offer them a weekly feature highlighting the Escalade. You could call it Escalade Escapades… and every week post photos or video of you using a drive-thru or gasing up for less than the cost of your right arm or leg. They need to have a recurring value to offset the cost of the machine, and you should definitely set-up an affiliate program with them.

    BTW… I eat pussy Escalades for lunch. The driver’s are always SO scared to get just a bump… they dive out of MY way.

    Just sayin’.


  2. hello haha narf

    yep, you need to promise, at minimum, weekly video posts. then they would HAVE to give you the damn thing.

    i have to admit, they had a great ad recently for the escalade. smoking hot women, all piling into the vehicle as the cute guy calls out their reindeer names until the guy holding the door tells the male blitzen that there is only room for eight. comet was insanely hot.

  3. Turnbaby

    Ah yes–there is nothing like a good ‘butt warmer’

    Good idea for the weekly video but from the way Brad describes your driving I’m thinking it might be like an episode of ‘Funniest Home Videos’ or “Jackass’ :boobs3:

  4. golfwidow

    I just checked my magic 8 ball and it said, “Gas prices are going to go down, and Cadillac is not going to give anything away that they can sell to some other sucker.”

    Okay, I don’t actually have a magic 8 ball, and if I did, it would say something like “Ask again later,” because that’s what they always say when I ask them anything.

  5. Avitable

    Amanda, thanks!

    DB, well, the motor homes are a bit larger, so they’d probably win.

    BPR, you’ll never know unless you try.

    BE Earl, it feels right, doesn’t it?

    Grant, night vision goggles are cheap!

    NYCWD, that’s a great name for it! And you have yet to drive with me – I wouldn’t dive out of your way.

    Hello, I’ll have to look for that commercial.

    Todd, me too!

    Rathna, gook luck indeed.

    BTDT, I am worth it, aren’t I?

    Sandi, I think it’s genius.

    Turnbaby, Funniest Home Videos? Just because he’s a big pussy . . .

    Golfwidow, actually the new Cadillac Escalade Hybrid has been named the worst car of the year, so they still need plenty of rehabilitation.

    Crystal, you can ride with me.

    Lisa, only if Big Papa is my penis.

    Finn, I fully expect them to. I sent them a link to it and everything – I’d like them to see how quickly I show up in Google search for “Cadillac Escalade”.

  6. Jay

    I don’t see any reason why they wouldn’t go for this. And if it works I’m going to try the same thing.

    Obviously I couldn’t justify an Escalade with my blog audience, but maybe a decent used Malibu?

  7. Sybil Law

    I know exactly what you’re talking about! I used to drive my FIL’s Cadillac all the time- the Northstar engine and general respect I got wherever I went was incredible! I especially liked smokin’ these stupid kids in their Mustang at a light- – I literally didn’t even see them in my rearview mirror!
    Dawg is right, though, too- most of the people I see driving Cadillacs are old and scared to get the damn things dirty.
    So if you get one, I just want a simple, new Subaru. :lmao:

  8. Little Miss Sunshine State

    You might have to pull a Bossy and take a Cadilladam road trip where some unsuspecting blogger opens their door and there’s a naked Avitable saying “HI, I’m here to sleep in your guest bed”

    Then we convince you to put on some pants and we take you to the local eating establishments and you blog about it the next day.

  9. Hilly

    Dude, if you get an Escalade, you will be rolling in the lap of luxury and will blog about it all of the time. Someone should give you one. I love my car because of all those same bells and whistles so I understand your lust!!!

  10. mary

    Y’know, you could probably swing a lincoln navigator. Theyre close to the same and have more fun little extras than the escalade and theyre about 10k cheaper. Maybe more. Plus ford has that employee pricing. Unless you know someone who works for ford. Then you get their pin number and get a big fat aplan discount.

    i.e. youll save over 100$ a month by doing a navigator. Test drive one, you may be surprised

  11. Robin

    I am officially jealous that you got to drive a truck with ass warmers. My truck doesn’t have ass warmers…but that’s why I ask my co-worker friend with an Aspen to drive. I use her for her ass warmers….heh.

  12. Poppy

    You know I can’t read, I gave up after a few comments, but did anyone say? : With this sucky economy they’re practically giving them away!

    As long as you have about $70k. I saw that price on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, I think. KIM’S A FAKER!

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