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Top Ten Things that Didn’t Actually Happen

My second and final top ten list for 2008 is a list of awesome things that didn’t actually happen. So let’s kick back and reminiscimagine:

10. On November 4th, Senator Barack Obama won the state of Texas.

9. On January 22nd, Heath Ledger survived a drug overdose by jamming Ashley Olsen down his throat to induce vomiting.

8. On March 7th, every airline across the country reported that every flight for that day was on-time, landed early, and had a historically low number of crying babies and drunk people.

7. On September 15th, a huge multinational corporation went out of business, but not before the executives admitted that they were solely responsible, mismanaged their duties, were underqualified and overpaid, and gave away their salaries to ensure that the pensions of the other employees stayed intact.

6. On August 11th, two self-proclaimed Bigfoot Hunters were found mauled to death by an unknown creature while they were purportedly trying to pass off a rubber gorilla suit as a genuine Sasquatch corpse.

5. On May 13th, the Reverend Fred Phelps and his entire in-bred congregation and family over at Westboro Baptist Church were killed when the bus they were all riding on the way to protest another funeral accidentally exploded. Investigators said that it looked like a land mine, but they were ruling it an accident.

4. On October 28th, the Surgeon General announced that frequent masturbation among men has long-term benefits, including an increase in length of up to four inches, a slow reversal of male-pattern baldness and an increase in the man’s IQ by 15 points.

3. On June 19th, Steve Jobs announced the new iPhone firmware update, which gave the user their choice of superpowers. The only caveat was that the user could only use the superpower to help other Apple users and if you wanted to change powers, you couldn’t upgrade or switch out parts – you had to go buy a brand new iPhone.

2. On February 9th, citing the disintegration of the institution of marriage, the religious right pushed for states to enact legislature that limited marriage as an action that can only be performed between “a church-going, God-fearing man and woman who agree to keep their marriage intact even at the sake of their own happiness, and only when this union is approved by a minister or priest.” The new concept of “shmarriage” for everyone else takes off like wildfire.

1. On April 15th, the IRS declared that “taxes are boring” and “all of your money is imaginary anyways” and declined to accept any tax returns that required payments to be made.

What’s your favorite non-moment of 2008?

Happy New Year!

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29 Replies to “Top Ten Things that Didn’t Actually Happen”

  1. Cris

    December 31, 2008 Doctors announce that overeating on the holidays is conducive to good health and weight loss. 6 out of 5 Doctors agree that Americans should eat more crap and consume greater amounts of alcohol before the need to return to work.

    They also recommend the same behavior for the College National Championship game where Oklahoma will win another National Title and again at the Superbowl. Then one more time for the inauguration party. This should set the tone for a happier, healthier 2009.

  2. SingleParentDad

    Didn’t number 2 actually happen? Or perhaps I should expand my U.S. reading a little further from your blog.

    My favourite non event was Australia trouncing the UK at the Olympics, and thus saving the whole nation embarrassing themselves with their poor loser routine.

  3. metalmom

    On New Year’s Eve,in Las Vegas,while performing onstage, Celine Dion, in one of her spastic dance moves, snapped her twig-like neck. A bone perforated her voice box,rendering her unable to screech in public again.

  4. Grant

    My favorite non-moment was in early June when I thought I had the flu and turned out to be exactly right. I took a couple of days off work and then returned as healthy as ever. Even now I can toss a buick over a brick wall instead of reminding myself I have to use my strong hand if I want to open that Coke.

  5. NYCWD

    On December 6, 2008 Bristol Palin married Levi Johnston prior to the birth of their child, ensuring the first grandchild of the VP-Elect Sara Palin would not be a maverick bastard like the President-Elect John McCain.

    Have a happy, safe, and healthy new year!

  6. Betsey

    While I don’t condone spitting most people, I’m proud to tell you that my husband and I live very close to Fred Phelps town and one day they were protesting here in our fine city.

    My husband stopped his car, rolled down his window and called one of the Phelpsian’s over. As soon as the guy walked up, my husband promptly spit in his face.

  7. Sybil Law

    Definitely that threesome between you, Sheila and I.
    Or maybe that threesome I had with Faiqa and Becky.
    Either way, it was my sluttiness this year.
    Happy 2009, Adam!!!
    :3some: :heartbeat: :martini:

  8. kaila

    Happy New Year to you and yours Adam, this is by far, my favorite list yet.
    I would like to add one for me though…
    On December 23rd after being questioned about the lack of Christmas bonuses, my boss didn’t say “your bonus is the fact that you still have a job.” and actually coughed up some dough.

  9. J...

    My favorite non-monent was when all of the overpaid celebrities in the US banded together, pooled the billions of dollars they get paid annually to entertain, and bailed out the failing economy by sharing the dough with all of us little people, thus ensuring that we could still afford to watch their movies, purchase their music and support their drug habits.

  10. RW

    I just want the real one to fucking END.

    Happy New Year adam. Thank you very much for the wine on my birthday and the cognac on Christmas. You’re WAY too kind. But I am sending you something in late January for… oh I don’t know what happens in January. Anyway there’s only five or six left and you’ll get one.

    Too bad you don’t drink tho. Heh…

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