Here, watch this to distract yourself from my lazy blogging:
Archive for January, 2009
Video killed the blogging star
Saturday, January 31st, 2009Next week, on Avitable.
Friday, January 30th, 2009Since I've spent 40 hours of the last week doing nothing but playing Assassin's Creed
In the next week or so, I plan to do the following:
1. Write a ghost hunting post about my experiences at the haunted bed & breakfast in Ocala.
2. Do a product review for a sex toy that I received.
3. Plagiarize the brilliant plagiarism idea that my friend Shiny is doing. Seriously, if you haven't seen what he's done this week, go check it out. It's genius.
4. Rule the world.
I'm optimistic that I'll get at least 75% of my list done.
The black section?
Thursday, January 29th, 2009
Front of card
Inside of card
On Monday, at Texas de Brazil, I got the above birthday card from a friend as a joke. After I read it out loud at the table, laughing, I flipped the card over to see that it's apparently from "Mahogany", which is a separate division of Hallmark.
What makes them different? Well, Mahogany is a division of Hallmark devoted exclusively to cards for black consumers. From the site:
Mahogany features more than 800 cards to help African Americans honor their relationships in innovative, compelling and culturally-relevant ways . . . Mahogany's innovative, dynamic designs and heartwarming sentiments serve as an affirmation of African-American culture and heritage.
I'm not sure how you would know this from the card. Is saying "baby" and talking provocatively something that black men do on birthdays? If I read the card in a deep Barry White voice, will it make women orgasm instantly? What makes this card black? In my opinion, it's just a farce that fosters corporate greed while SEGREGATING RACES!
Apparently, it's working, though, because Hallmark has now announced a new division of cards called Cherry Blossom. This new division would be dedicated primarily to those of Asian descent. Here are just a few of the cards that will be coming out shortly:
For Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, Middle Eastern, and Indian cultures
For the Japanese
For the Chinese
In other Avitanews, my birthday was outstanding. Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to wish me a happy birthday. I also wanted to individually thank the people who sent me a gift, a card, or who took the time to mention my birthday in a post. I'm hoping that this list is inclusive, but if for some reason I'm a total tard and I forgot you, please email me so I can rectify the situation immediately. It's not that I'm ungrateful, it's that I'm disorganized!
Thank you to:
Janelle
Poppy
NYCWD
Heather
Finn
Karl
Bethie
Sheila
RW
Grant
Liquid
Becky
Faiqa
Hilly
Sybil
Karen
Britt
Stephanie
Tracy
James
Spreading democracy like peanut butter
Wednesday, January 28th, 2009Just in case those of you who are in the know and listen to our weekly Presidential radio address were wondering, we will be having a show tonight at 9 PM EST.
The topic is whether or not the United States has a moral imperative to encourage, foster, and in some cases, aggressively enact democracy in backwards countries.
If you're going to listen, I suggest clicking that picture, registering an account, and downloading the TalkShoe Pro software. It will make your listening experience smoother, silkier, and more erect.
Crackling and crispy
Wednesday, January 28th, 2009How could Avitable.com be any better than it already is?
I'm in Canada
Tuesday, January 27th, 2009Also, go help me reach 100 comments on my birthday post yesterday!
Avitaweek 2009: It's over, finally!
Monday, January 26th, 2009So I survived my trip to a haunted bed and breakfast – I'll write more about that later. Today marks the end of the week of Avitable, culminating on my birthday.
I turn 32 today, a fact that fills me with dread, because no matter what anyone else says, everything from 30 on is downhill, the inevitable march towards 40, which is even worse than it sounds! "40 is the new 20," people say. Bullshit! You're still 40!
I received gifts from several of my blogger friends, and I will be thanking each and every one of you soon, so don't worry if you haven't heard from me yet. I'm sure the gift arrived, but I just haven't had time to properly appreciate it and respond to you.
Anyways, in "celebration" of my slow decline into death, I thought I would come up with 32 things that annoy me. (Originally, I was going to list 32 things that I have witnessed or enjoyed or am proud of, but that's way too sunshiny happy optimistic for a cynical elitist condescending bastard such as myself.)
32 Things that Annoy, Displease or Otherwise Offend Avitable:
32. People who don't know the difference between possessives and plurals.
31. Movie talkers
30. Dress codes
29. American Idol
28. Country music
27. Spectator sports
26. Laugh tracks
25. Things that are dumbed down for people with no attention spans
24. Machismo
23. Freeloaders
22. Studio executives
21. Fake breasts
20. Children
19. Bodybuilders
18. Mushrooms
17. Overly friendly strangers
16. Incompetence at any level
15. Uggos
14. Anyone who watches The Hills
13. Old people who talk about sex
12. People who hide behind anonymity
11. Italian food
10. Food with bones in it
09. Couples who go out to dinner by themselves and sit on the same side of the table
08. Tattoos
07. People with no sense of humor
06. Bumper stickers
05. Ocean cruises
04. Tropical islands
03. People who try to correct me when I'm right
02. Surprises
01. Cynical elitist condescending bastards who complain about things
On the plus side, while writing this list, I figured out that I can keep this list going until my 90s!
Avitaweek 2009: No post today
Sunday, January 25th, 2009I'm writing this quickly from our haunted hotel room. I have my night vision goggles and video camera and will be exploring the hotel shortly.
If the ghosts kill me, I hope you'll all show up tomorrow to wish me a posthumous happy birthday!
Avitaweek 2009: Hunting for ghosts
Saturday, January 24th, 2009Tonight, Amy and I are staying at a bed and breakfast that is supposedly the most haunted in Central Florida. When the TAPS team from Ghost Hunters visited it, they had several strange occurrences, including shadow figures, a chair that seemed to have a figure sitting in it, and a flip flop that went missing.
While we're planning on enjoying ourselves there, we don't expect to experience anything paranormal at all, for the following reasons:
1. Amy will just assume that any strange noises are made by me.
2. I'll sleep through anything.
3. Without her glasses on, she won't notice any shadows, much less a real person standing right in front of her.
4. My snoring will scare away any ghosts that might be within a 10-mile radius.
5. If something gets misplaced, Amy will just assume that she put it away in the wrong place.
We'll totally be the worst amateur ghost hunters ever!
Also? I think I love these two girls:
Avitaweek 2009: The origins of Avitable
Friday, January 23rd, 2009In yesterday's mail, I received a package from my Papa (aka my grandfather) that showed exactly where I come from. My sense of humor, my sarcasm, my overall outlook on life – I have him to thank.
Here are the three pages that made up the package I received:
He's kept this newspaper clipping for 22 years.
Could I look any more androgynous at age 10?
To be fair, they were used in elaborate war scenarios along with my Transformers.
Thanks, Papa!
As you might be aware, I have a birthday coming up. What? You didn't now? I haven't mentioned it enough? Well, it's true. You can buy my love here
However, today's not all about me. It's also the birthday of two of my favorite women who live in the computer. The first one is Tracy Kaply. She's turning 104 today, so go wish her a happy birthday. The other is Nina from Readerwritesmith. She's recently abandoned her blog, so I don't want to link to it, but I think she reads me when she's naked and lonely, so use my comments to wish her a happy birthday, too.
This weekend, Amy and I will be going to stay the night in a haunted bed and breakfast that was featured on Ghost Hunters, so stay tuned for stories from that!
