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Early retirement

On January 26th, 1977, a momentous occasion occurred that forever altered the course of the world. That event, of course, would be my birth.

In 20 days, I’m going to be 32. That only gives me three years until I reach 35, which is the age that I’ve always told myself I would retire.

It’s still completely within reach. Since hiring that little evil blonde Pandora’s box of profanity, sex appeal and attitude, the business has done very well, and new implementations are only going to serve to increase our revenue.

I tell myself, half-joking, that all I need is to sell my company for about $50 million, and I could retire safely. But what does it actually take to retire? Do you calculate the income you need for the next fifty years? Do you just pick a high, random number? Would $1 million be enough for me to retire comfortably? Probably not. But 5? 10?

How do I figure these things out? And if I did ever end up with $10 million or more, could I swim in it like Scrooge McDuck?

Guest post alert! Not to be overly congratulatory, but I wrote a poignant and hilarious guest post for Lotus over at Sarcastic Mom today – go check it out and leave me some comment love!

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39 Replies to “Early retirement”

  1. Faiqa

    The formula is something like 75-85% of your current yearly income times the number of years you’re expected to live ensures that you maintain your current lifestyle. So, for you… that would be $50.00 (after deducting monies spent on whores and porn) times 342 years (because you drink the blood of small children)… Heh. I totally made that up (not the hookers, porn and small children part… the formula).

  2. B.E. Earl

    I’ve calculated it to the penny.


    That’s how much I want. Oh wait…was the question how much do I need? Fuck me! I dunno. Being a finance guy, I’ve never been very good with numbers.

  3. Sarcastic Mom

    Scrooge McDuck ref = classic.

    Fuck all this saving for retirement crap. I want to blow all my earnings on strippers and blow now, live recklessly and die early. Who needs retirement if you burn out?

    Oh, yeah. I’m a mom. I’m not allowed to be irresponsible.

    Besides, I have to go now. Braden’s banging his chains up against the radiator again.

  4. whall

    Assuming no debt, living expenses can be rather cheap. 3% return on a million is what, $30K a year, or 2500 a month? So figure out your living expenses, and for every 2.5 grand you need, you need a million in the bank.

    3% should be good for conservative little-risk return. I get 3% guaranteed on my 401(k) (I moved all of my 401K out of low/med/high risk and into the guaranteed fund in Q3 of 2007 based on an astrological reading – look at me now!).

    Once you have your living expenses taken care of, the excess can be divvied up into different investments and other non-normal expenses such as vacations, donkey-on-dolphin porn shoots, gifts to your favorite bearded lolcat-loving bloggers, donkey-on-caterpillar porn, and the like.

  5. Jennifer

    Talk to a financial advisor, not the internets. There are compounded things to take into consideration. Longer life spans – like figuring on having an income till you are well into your 90’s – hey 60 years from now that may be considered young and you may need another 40 years of income. Inflation. Fluctuating interest rates. Kids (HA HA HA…accidents DO happen), illness, nursing homes, injury, divorce, lawsuits.

  6. SingleParentDad

    I concur with Whall, and therefore Miss Britt, however there is inflation to consider, and if you ever fancy a move to Zimbabwe, that could be a considerable consideration, and a lot of words starting with consider, didn’t consider that, when I considered starting this, considerable comment.

  7. Jesus H. Christ

    Some Korean fucktard sent me a mail outlining how he makes a residual six figure income from selling Christmas ringtones.

    Then again, ‘fucktard’ may have been too harsh. I bet that guy is loaded and that he swims around in wads of cash that would give Scrooge McDuck a raging hardon.


  8. Finn

    If you can live on $1.5 million a year, $50 million is fine (I’m assuming a modest 3% return on the principle).

    And it can be done… I have friends who are starting up their third Internet business after selling the other two for millions. Yes, millions. They no longer have to work, but do anyway.

  9. Grant

    I have a 401k from my disreputable employer. They dropped it on us without warning, sent our deductions to one 401k company who in turn sold them to another company, and they told us our money would be untouchable for about three months during the transition. And here it is, less than a year later, and I’ve lost over 20% of my money due to their investments. I can’t touch the remaining amount because, even though they’ve deducted enough for me to borrow against it, they’ve lost enough so that I don’t meet the minimum standard for having some of my own money back. W00t! Their corporate motto must be “Retire on THAT, bitches!”

    So, if you succeed, can I become your house boy? I don’t eat much and only require a tiny room with a single light bulb for reading. Just toss me an Asian schoolgirl every so often and I’ll be happy.

  10. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    Considering I lost about $10,000 in investments this past year because my freakin’ “financial advisor” convinced me that I was being too conservative with my investments at the beginning of 2008 I am probably the last person to dish out any advice.

    But, if you donated $100K to me, I’d be satisfied with that.

    And you’d be guaranteed at least one boob shot a week.

  11. Fantasy Writer Guy

    They say you have to factor in estimated inflation, return on investments and a 15% per decade decrease in spending due to a quieting of lifestyle in older age. And they say not to overestimate real estate investment because the pattern of recent years can not be sustained. But you’re so fucking young that science will make us immortal before your number comes up so you’ll have to go back to work for all eternity anyway, sucker.

  12. Jay

    Well you have several options here.

    1. Look through the Yellow Pages and find yourself a financial adviser. This person will probably be only making around $30,000 a year and will have no retirement himself to speak of and be way, WAY in dead with a sub-prime mortgage.

    2. You can watch CNBC and Fox News Sunday finance shows and do as Jim Cramer and Ben Stein recommend and put your investments into the hands of the brilliant Wall Street investors. Or just buy Merrill Lynch or Goldman Sachs when they were selling at $150 a share as those two both told people to do.

    Those are your best options right there. 😉

    Of course, when you do retire, if you find that you don’t have enough to live on comfortably you could always move to Thailand or Mexico or someplace else that has great food and cheap hookers and have much lower expenses.

    That’s my current plan.

  13. Ms Batman

    Batman’s parents won 4.6 million in the lottory 10 years ago. Took the 20 year payments. they are half way through. They have lived off of lottery money for 10 years, and invested well, and have over 5 million now (yes they have made money). But in 10 years the payments stop, and we are convinced that mom will outlive the lottery payments. She’s 64. So, even 4.6 invested well, and grown, may not be enought to see her through the rest of her life.

  14. Sybil Law

    I hope you aren’t asking me for financial advice.
    What everyone else said. Minus, of course, the money you’ll pay me to entertain you, and the alcohol you’ll provide.


  15. Ren

    Alternatively, just take larger and larger lifestyle risks each year of retirement and you’ll likely die before running out of money. Note that the increase in risk should be inversely proportional to the amount of money you have. Given that, I recommend that you start with base jumping. After that, perhaps bear-poking.

  16. Elizabeth Kaylene

    I have no idea, but good luck with that one.

    I’m just glad my company still offers us 401(k), ’cause otherwise I have no savings whatsoever. Buying a car kinda does that to a girl.

    Anyway, I’m glad things are going well with your business! Of course, we all know it’s Miss Britt who’s the brains behind the whole outfit. 😉

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