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Only pedophiles lurk.

Yesterday was National Delurking Day, according to some random blogger who announced it. It’s a genius concept, because anyone who openly admits they’re a lurker has to feel some sense of shame and embarrassment about it. The word “lurk” just has such negative connotations associated with it.

Just doing a Google News search for “lurking” brings up these headlines:

“Beware of poisons lurking in your home”
“HEARTSTOPPING: A lurking menace unmasked”
“Possible winter storm lurking for tomorrow”
“Shoplifters Lurking Among Holiday Shoppers”
“Toxic killer lurking in NZ waters”
“Officials fear flu virus lurking around the corner”
“Marketers fear the ‘big unknown’ lurking in ’09”

As defined, “lurking” is a bad thing. It is defined as the action of being sneaky, like you’re about to ambush someone. Sure, it also means to exist “unperceived”, but everybody knows the negative definition of it.

Nobody says:

“The kids found all of the Easter eggs that were lurking around the house.”
“My hand lurked under her shirt and touched her erect nipple.”
“Santa lurked around the house putting presents under the tree.”
“The cat lurked from one room to the other before curling up on the couch.”

Why is someone who reads a blog but doesn’t comment a LURKER? They’re not doing anything bad or wrong. They’re still reading your words but choosing not to comment on it. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that I have eleventy billion subscribers to my feed. And then let’s say that my average post gets 50 comments. That means that 50 divided by eleventy billion is less than a half percent! So 99.5% of my imaginary readers are assholes and perverts and depraved individuals? Well, yes, they probably are, but not because they don’t comment!

There are a lot of blogs that I read where I don’t comment frequently. The reasons vary. Sometimes I don’t have anything interesting to say. Sometimes the post is boring. Sometimes it’s godawful. Sometimes it’s really boring. Sometimes I just don’t have time to comment. And sometimes it’s horribly amazingly stultifyingly boring. But to paint me as a “lurker”, hiding here in the shadows while I read your post and stroke my erect cock, cackling evilly, is just wrong. Well, okay, it’s right, but that’s just me. I do that when I comment, too.

Maybe lurkers are the people with taste. The ones who abstain from commenting with a “Me too!” or a “You’re awesome!” or just a smiley because they have taste. Discernible taste that tells them that sometimes it’s appropriate to comment and sometimes you’re just being a sycophant!

From this point forward, I will no longer refer to people who read but don’t comment as lurkers. I will no longer paint them with an evil stroke of my word brush. I will respect their decision to stay silent and give them the benefit of the doubt, until they prove me otherwise.

My new name for lurkers shall be:

Readers who Acknowledge Post Integrity through Silent Taciturnity.

I salute all of you R.A.P.I.S.T.s out there! Bravo!

However, I have declared today National Stop Being a RAPIST Day, so would you fucking comment already?

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85 Replies to “Only pedophiles lurk.”

  1. Lisa

    I think I only qualify as a part-time ‘R.A.P.I.S.T.’, since I actually comment here occasionally… more than I do anywhere else, that’s for sure.

    You’re right about the word ‘lurk’, though. It sounds creepy, and it looks creepy.

  2. Danalyn

    Oh yeah, Amber reminded me…I’m still waiting for my XMAS card!

    Of course, there’s a high probability that the overly-conservative, overly-religious post office workers may have broken the law and threw out any offensive cards coming from the Avitables…I wouldn’t put it past them.

  3. Lynn (Walking With Scissors)

    You want me to rape you, you know it. Of course, me commenting here proves that I’m not actually a rapist, so I guess you’re SOL. Sorry.

    Oh, and around here it’s still yesterday. So I’m not technically even posting on “don’t be a rapist” day. It’s still delurking day. Which is what I’m doing. Or something.

    Yeah, I think it’s bedtime…

  4. Dee

    R.A.P.I.S.T. here too – although I also comment here more than anywhere else 🙂

    In some cases I don’t comment because not only is the blog great but the commenters are all highly intelligent and witty too – I just feel so out of place :dunce:

  5. Grant

    Oh great, now I’ll think that every time you don’t comment it’s because I’m normal and boring instead of because you are too busy.

    The only lurkers who gripe me are the ones who read my blog to keep tabs on me AND know me in real life, but pretend not to know about the blog until they get drunk and blurt something out they wouldn’t know otherwise. That’s kind of creepy. It’s like people who visit your home but hide in the closet so they can eavesdrop on conversations.

  6. Vic

    It’s possible I’m only a part-timer too, seeing as I’ve only been visiting for a week or so. Either way, I don’t fancy being a lurker or a rapist so will make my presence known.

  7. SciFi Dad

    Here’s the thing (not to get all serious on a joking post or anything), but I wouldn’t call what you do lurking. You comment when you have something to say, and remain silent when you don’t. That’s commenting. Hell, I realize that you can’t really comment when I post stuff about my kids and whatever questions I’m asking that day (technically you do have answers, but most of them involve leg irons, duct tape, and other suggestions that would increase my profile with CAS).

    I don’t comment on every fucking post of yours. Does that make me a RAPIST?

  8. Avitable

    Delmer, this should be the blog you check every morning before you do anything else. Duh!

    Booga, I’ll make it work.

    Danalyn, delurking is a pain in the ass!

    Lisa, now I feel privileged.

    Amber, wait – do I still owe you a T-shirt?

    BPR, fucker.

    Redneck Mommy, wait until next week when I poop on a picture of someone’s baby!

    Beth, it’s something to which we should all aspire.

    Semqf, that just makes you a Kiwi, doesn’t it?

    Danalyn, fuck. I knew I needed to do that.

    Sarah, oh, your every word is filled with interest and speculation.

    Angel, that’s good to hear. Your local community thanks you.

    SwanShadow, you should always hang out at a Catholic girls’ school.

    Lynn, I agree.

    CCinmotion, what was your old blog?

    Cri, crude and clever go together like peanut butter and jelly..

    Dee, I have plenty of dumb commenters too!

    Dan, I personally enjoy each and every comment I receive – nobody gets lost in the masses.

    Grant, well, there are only so many things I can say about hot Asian chicks.

    Vic, shame is always a good way to get people to comment.

    Yaleman, Google Reader is a saint.

    Y not I, yes, I have it in front of me now.

    Peggy, that’s a good point.

    Robin, hi!

    Nanuk, I have high expectations of my readers.

    NYCWD, good plan.

    Muskrat, I’m honored.

    SciFi Dad, that’s true. I don’t really lurk anywhere – I will comment on anyone’s blog if I have something to say. And no, that doesn’t make you a rapist. The raping does, though.

    Radioactive Girl, that was something right there!

    Turnbaby, oooh, you!

    Blondefabulous, aha! You’re a lurkee!

  9. kitty

    I am a lurker. You are right in that lots of us don’t comment because they don’t have anything interesting to say. That would be my reason most of the time. Besides, you don’t know me. Why do you care what I have to say? It’s awkward when you’re the new kid and you do make a comment on an established blog. I can almost hear the crickets nows…

  10. Hilly

    I hate the word “sycophant” too. Sorry Valerie, I have no idea who you are so this is not pointed directly at you…

    But seriously, why is it that if people read our stuff then agree with us or cheer us on, they automatically get labeled as sycophants? Maybe I’m just in a cranky place in life but people who only see that and not the fact that people have met us and truly like us? They need to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down.

    /snarky Hilly

  11. stef

    i actually prefer the term “stalker” myself. i’ve commented a couple times, but hardly regularly.

    also, thanks kitty for this great insight into lurking: “It’s awkward when you’re the new kid and you do make a comment on an established blog. I can almost hear the crickets now…”

    i’ve been blogging for years but was never really involved in the “blogosphere” (and barely knew of its existence) until recently. so i’m like the new kid who moves to a new high school when all the other kids have grown up together…definitely awkward. doesn’t stop me from reading though. 🙂

  12. whall

    To me, the whole ‘delurking’ phenomenon is yet another way for the liberal media to desensitize the public and lessen, in a subtle way, the stigma attached to certain criminal acts.

    Criminals lurk. Now blog readers lurk if they don’t comment. Hmm, maybe lurking isn’t so bad.

    “Illegal immigrants” aren’t so bad, so maybe “illegal” isn’t that big of a deal.

    All I know is – if ever see your IP address on my blog without a comment showing up shortly thereafter, I’m flying to Florida and punching you in the crotch.

    No, wait. I’ll hire an undocumented worker to do it for me.

    Por favor, puncho goriillililillla es que crotcho.

  13. J...

    Pretty sure I’m not a R.A.P.I.S.T although I do abstain from the occasional comment because your intelligence and witty blogging intimidate. Well maybe I am one. Hmm. I will go ponder on that one.

  14. kaila

    I’ve commented before, but I always feel stupid afterwards. Probably because my blog is b-o-r-i-n-g to you since it’s mostly about my snotty little boy.
    I did get a Christmas card from you though, and it made me feel like a very important person. :woohoo:

  15. Valerie

    @Hilly, Indeed Adam’s readers are part of a community with many people personally knowing one another after meeting through one avenue or another, but I don’t think Adam’s “Me too!” “You’re awesome!” comment is saying a person is a sycophant if he/she says that to a fellow reader. I think Adam’s reference was with respect to people posting inane positive feedback comments to the blogger.

  16. Becca

    So… the reasons I haven’t delurked before now, are pretty much just what you said. I don’t know what to say, I just like your writing, etc.etc…. However, I will say I started reading your blog about a month ago and you are the first guy whose site I have ever been to. I find your writing funny and original as anything I’ve ever seen. And I like MissBritt’s site too. So, now I’ve delurked and can’t be accused of being a rapist anymore! 😛

  17. Elizabeth Kaylene

    Okay. I totally take back what I said on Twitter during the last couple of days. This post — and the use of the word “sycophant” — totally makes you hot in my eyes.

    Great post. I laughed out loud and all that good stuff, and probably looked really weird while doing so.

  18. Sarcastica

    I do think national delurking day is a bit silly…I mean, I don’t comment on every single post I read because I just don’t have the time. Sometimes I don’t have anything to say either, so why should I comment?

    I must bore you often, lmao!! 😀

  19. Jessica

    Yeah, I agree. It’s great to comment, but I don’t think it should be like a transaction. I comment when I have something relevant to say or the post touched me in some way. I appreciate comments more when the reader wants to comment.

  20. Kathy

    I used to comment on (nearly all) the blogs I read. I thought it was good blog karma, or something. I don’t so much now, as I’ve greatly reduced my online time, and frankly, it’s too much of a chore to “make the rounds” leaving little “Hey, me too!” kinds of comments.

    Blog interaction is nice, but I think some people forget it’s not required.

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