I just got my upgraded AmEx Business Platinum card in the mail today. It came in a box, like a present, with a booklet chock full of all the little amenities and benefits you get for being a cardmember. There are little things like roadside assistance and a concierge service and nicer benefits like access to all of the first-class lounges in airports and first look at tickets for many different events in many different venues.
I have a good friend who actually availed himself of American Express’s foreign travel assistance when he broke his leg in France. They helped him communicate with the doctors and got him on a flight back to London where he could get some proper medical treatment.
This is great and all (free room upgrades! quadruple Membership Rewards points!) but all it does is whet my appetite for the next step up.
The Centurion card. It’s the black American Express card that didn’t actually exist until a few years ago, when the rumors were so strong about its existence that AmEx capitalized on it and created it!
I’m not quite up to that level yet, though. It has a spending requirement of $250K a year and an annual fee of $2,500. But the perqs are totally worth it. Some of the known benefits are:
- Complimentary companion airfare
- Personal shopper
- Membership to several exclusive organizations
- First class flight upgrades
- Free hotel nights
- Upgrades to the highest level of most mileage and airline rewards programs
Pretty good, but not quite worth the hefty annual fee. I’d like to imagine some of the other benefits that make it worthwhile:
- Free delivery of Diet Coke anywhere in the world.
- Exclusive access to the old “2 Whoppers for $2″ deal.
- You get access to the celebrity of your choosing to punch in the nuts or face.
- A Golden Globe.
- Personal cheerleading team that you can call anytime who will show up and inspire you with cheers about how awesome you are.
- Your penis will grow four inches longer.
- Willard Scott will wish you a happy birthday on air.
- The weather within a 10-foot radius of you will never be anything colder than 75 degrees and sunny.
- You’re told the truth about JFK’s assassination and the 9/11 attacks.
- “Get out of jail free with this presidential pardon” card.
Of course, this is all idle speculation on my part, but I’m never wrong. Now all I have to do is spend $250,000 this year on my current card to get them to ask me to become a Centurion Card member. Piece of cake!
Enjoy this post? Try these:Who wants a Christmas card?
Personal cheerleading team that you can call anytime who will show up and inspire you with cheers about how awesome you are.
Didn’t I see Britt doing a video….???? :thumbsup:
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
Too bad hookers don’t take credit cards
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Personal shopper? Holy shit, what a career! I’d like to redeem my option to kick THAT person in the nuts.
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You have my full support in your efforts to acquire the American Express black card. And I’ll tell you what–to help you reach that $250,000 spending minimum, I’ll let you pay for my tuition with your card! No, no, don’t thank me. That’s what friends are for! :heartbeat:
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Meh. I already have all the perks except a personal shopper. Since I hate shopping, that’s no big loss.
But I hear once you go black, you never go back, so that card may have psychological perks that make it worth having. Sign me up!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
A Golden Globe?
Haven’t you been reading my campaign against that sham of an award? I’ve only been posting it for 4 consecutive years now! Aaargh!!!
Go for the gold. Go for an Oscar. You deserve it.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
I’m with Girl, Dislocated. I’ve got tuition coming up too and would be happy to help you out. I’ll even pull on your wang to make it four inches longer. How do you feel about rubber gloves and pliers?
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It should be easy… 312 meals at The Rendevous on Ocean Drive in South Beach this year will put you at that level.
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If you just want to do a balance transfer to my 7 credit card accounts that should get you 90% of the way to your $250K
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Like you need four more inches on that monster wang of yours.
But I’ll totally sign up to be the captain of your cheer squad.
I’m tired of the snotsicles I grow from living up in the Great White North.
Wink.
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Just imagine how thrilled female cardholders are when their penises grow four inches… :jerkoff2:
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Free delivery of diet coke would be enough to make me happy.
Btw, I could easily spend that 250k for you – just send the card on over.
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Diet Coke? I didn’t know you were homosexual.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
That is a BUSINESS card. Not your PERSONAL card.
If you put $250k on that card this year I will cut those extra four inches off your wang personally.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
I heard Madoff got that card.
He’s still waiting for that Presidential Pardon.
Personally, I’d do it just for Willard Scott.
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But if you miss a payment, they take back six inches.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
i’m out. no way i would want weather that didn’t go below 75.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Give me $2,500 a year and I’ll be your personal cheerleader.
You’ll have to tell me if the platinum card is worth the $300+ annual fee. They keep inviting me to get one, but I can’t get past that $300. The gold card is only half that.
Here’s a thought, especially if you do rewards. Pay the business’ taxes with the card. That’ll up your spending for the year, plus you get points. My friends who have the black card paid theirs (seven figures) that way. They never pay for hotel rooms or airfare anymore. Ever.
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Can’t you just run a sharpie over your platinum card and tell everyone you have the Centurion?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Isn’t there a ‘red’ card, too? That’s better than the black? And WTF “perks” is spelled “perqs”? When did that happen?
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
:woohoo:
I’d be a personal chef for you for $2500!! (Well, that plus living expenses.)
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
“Personal cheerleading team that you can call anytime who will show up and inspire you with cheers about how awesome you are.”
I thought you already had that. I have one, how can it be that you don’t?
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Haha Faiqa- I was wondering the same thing! Must be once you get your upgraded card, you start spelling different than the “little people”!
What celebrity would you choose?!
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Faiqa – I saw that too and meant to ask if the requirement for the cheerleader position was perqy bewbs.
:sexytime:
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
You could spend the whole $250k at the spa waxing your back and ass.
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How about one free murder (anyone, anywhere) and they provide the clean up crew. :angel:
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Turnbaby, she’s like my personal conscience, not my cheerleader!
Amanda, the right ones do.
Greg, that’s the best job ever!
Girl Dislocated, how sweet.
Dave, all of them? Automatic upgrades on all flights?
BE Earl, that’s why they’re just giving it away as a perq!
Karen, I’m okay with the rubber gloves. The pliers, though, not so much.
Jester, good point! That’s the Rendezvous restaurant that’s part of the Beacon Hotel, right?
Othurme, I’ll get right on that!
Redneck Mommy, I can’t understand why you live there voluntarily!
Chris, well, you have to ask for that benefit.
Vic, that’s a fantasy of mine already.
SPD, are you kidding? Diet Coke is the nectar of the gods!
Britt, don’t we need a company boat?
NYCWD, brought to you by Smucker’s!
Kevin, that’s true. You have to read the fine print.
Becky, you’re crazy!
Finn, I think it’s totally worth that, just for the airport lounges. I’ll have to see if my accountant will let us do that for the taxes. Good thinking.
Grant, that was plan B.
Faiqa, I already have the Plum card. It’s not better than the black one, though. “Perq” is short for perquisite, which means a benefit, privilege, or advantage. I might be using the colloquial spelling of it, though.
Blondefabulous, that’s not very much money for being a personal chef.
Jay, well, I want to exchange mine for a better one.
Sybil, I’d choose Spencer, he of the flesh colored beard.
Karen, “perqs” and “perks” are interchangeable. I prefer the original usage.
Angie, are you offering to do it for that fee?
Dragon, ooh, that’s a nice benefit too!
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Only jerq’s spell it “perqs”.
That is all.
Signed, a lowly gold card member. :crying:
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$250k a year? how many trips to Dubai are you taking this year?
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Here is your little ray of sunshine, to brighten your mood while you are in the throes of despair over your measly credit card status.
Geesh.
If I could punch one person in the nuts – it’d be a toss up between Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise.
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
Having seen your drawings, four more dick inches might cause you, or those around you, irreparable harm.
That free celebrity nut punch is indeed alluring.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
hahaha @Stephanie
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SingleParentDad – Them there are fighting words. And Avitable and I are both bigger than you. considerably bigger.
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The card is made of metal. How friggin’ awesome is that. I wonder if I can just get my debit card reissued from tin or something?
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Friggin racist.
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Dan, judge me by my size do you? Anyway we are on an inversely proportional path, and if I stick to the full fat stuff, in no time, I’ll be fit (or fat) for a tag-team event.
Avitable, go you mean all those ancient Greek fellows? They were a bit fruity you know.
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My boss has the black card. It’s made out of freaken titanium and is actually heavy. Oh yes, I know. I held it once.
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My dad has the black one to keep his payroll for his 20-odd staff. And it IS freakin heavy, and sets off the metal detectors at airports like you wouldn’t believe.
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And also, what happened to my very penis-centric-and-slightly-homoerotic other comment, avitable??
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I don’t know if this is true, but e-how says there is an easier but slower route to the black card: 2
Next you will need to either take the slow route or the express route to getting your Centurion card.
The slow route involved waiting for about 5-10years while spending around $50,000-$100,000 per year.
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I know for a fact that the card does not include a personal shopper unless you pay extra andthe service isn’t really good since they almost never have a solution to your problems
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easy way to get one *if* you can afford it (costs the same or more as from Amex, but you are guaranteed to get it if you can afford it) – email “icurme AT gmail DOT com” (anti-spam measure) for details…
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