Avitable Interviews Dead Celebrities

Avitaweek 2009: Martin Loser King

As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2009! My birthday is on Monday, January 26th, and I plan on being shameless in my celebration over the next seven days, by brazenly soliciting presents, baked goods, cards, well wishes, photos of your boobs, posts on next Monday dedicated solely to my awesomeness, and grainy home videos of you having sex.

Last year, during Avitaweek 2008, my first post also coincided with Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. In that post, I compared our similarities. This year, I’m going to talk to the man himself:

"I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."
I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

MLK: It’s my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.

Me: Can I call you Marty?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.

MLK: Ummm….

Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?

MLK: What?

Me: They don’t have movies in heaven? I’d think you’d have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you’re actually in hell?

MLK: No, no. I just don’t trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-

Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.

MLK: You’re quite impudent.

Me: I’m just bored with your snootiness. You’re quite full of yourself for a-

MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?

Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?

MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.

Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.

MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!

Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.

MLK: No, I’m saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.

Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?

MLK: I’m talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.

Me: Ohhh, you’re talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.

MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?

Me: No, why?

MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.

Me: Wow. Preachy much?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: I’m just saying – now you’re being a bit uppity.

Me: Hello?

Me: Marty?

Celebrate Avitaweek 2009! Go here or here to buy me a present!

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48 Replies to “Avitaweek 2009: Martin Loser King”

  1. Redneck Mommy

    Totally giggling. Why is this painting such a true mental image in my head?

    And sadder yet, why would I be willing to pay large sums of money to witness said conversation.

    Let the Avitaweek begin. It’s my first. So it’s kinda like you are popping my Avita-cherry.


  2. just beth

    Yay happy birthday week!

    That interview was hysterical. How freakin’ sanctimonious he can be!!

    I couldn’t figure out how to email you to say thanks for your comment and that I did, finally respond.

    And that I am really, super pleased that you commented…for reals.



  3. Avitable

    Redneck Mommy, is the Avita-cherry in the butt?

    Beth, you’re slowly becoming an adult. All that’s left is the AvitaFirst Communion.

    Squeaky Wheel, everybody wants to eat ice cream with a dictator!

    BE Earl, I never get hate comments. I think random visitors are too frightened.

    Ginger, is he even still on the air?

    Just Beth, I had something to say!

    Cherry, yes, but you’d do it all naked.

    Robin, what’s to be offended at? Because he’s a revered inspirational historical figure? That’s no reason not to make fun of him!

    SPD, did you get lectured or were you the lecturer?

    NYCWD, these were all legitimate questions!

  4. Shash

    “Yeah, OJ got convicted finally.”


    I’m watching the news as I type this and they are talking about who is going to be the black role model- Obama or 50Cent. Very interesting.

    Happy Avitaweek!! I can’t think of anyone more deserving of a week long celebration of their birth than you. Hope it’s a great one!

    Also, what DO you get the guy who has everything AND night vision goggles?

  5. Cris

    I am currently working on the sex tape but I might need help. How do you have same sex and hold the camera without making the viewer sick… I, of course, am referring to the shakiness of the video not the physical appearance of the actors.

  6. Sarcastica

    Hah that was pretty hilarious actually 😛

    I’m broke, so I can’t send you presents or cards 🙁 I COULD bake you cookies, but they would turn out horribly since I can’t bake (or cook)…I COULD have my mother in law bake you cookies but they would be really good and I’d eat them all before they got to you…

    Oh noes I’m running outta ideas!

  7. becky

    Adam….if I’m going to have to go through AvitaFirst Communion, you need to make sure you have my name right. I need all the blessings that I can get. Weird thing is, I was at a friend’s house Sat. night and someone there kept calling me Beth.

  8. Avitable

    Shash, you get him cookies!

    Faiqa, why’s that now? I’m a legitimate journalist.

    Britt, it’s about fucking time.

    SciFi Dad, surprising? This is me we’re talking about.

    J from Ireland, I hear that a lot.

    Sheila, I need better power tools for Avitaween 2009. The ones I used this past year were not very good.

    Tracy, you’re keeping me down!

    Kevin, they probably are, if they read my blog at all.

    Cris, same sex? Are you having sex with yourself?

    Grant, I will hang it on my wall.

    Heather, I bet you do. I want more stories!

    Sarcastica, didn’t you hear me suggest naked pictures?

    Dawn, oh, I have boundaries. I won’t punch myself in the face. That’s rule #1.

    Becky, I don’t know why I said Beth! It was wayyy too early in the morning for me to be replying to comments, I think. Sorry about that!

  9. Avitable

    Scott, thanks for the comment. I removed your URL because I don’t allow unsolicited whoring, but I’ll accept the nice sentiment.

    Sheila, that’s just you, you damn Republican.

    Sybil, no, to me, you’re always Sybil!

  10. Avitable

    Poppy, does yours come with kung-fu grip and ninja action?

    Becky, they’re fun to do, but I can’t tell if people actually enjoy them or not. And I’m totally stealing the idea from Black Hockey Jesus, so I’m a thief too.

  11. Avitable

    Janna, it’s okay to laugh at Martin Luther King, Jr. He’s dead and can’t get to you.

    Stephanie, I’m sure it was a protein shake.

    GoK, your balls wept, I’m sure! Email sent.

    Craig, thank you!

    Karl, you’d think he would have learned some humility after dying and all.

    Jessica, you’re cute when you talk all ghetto. I’m turning 32.

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