As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2009! My birthday is on Monday, January 26th, and I plan on being shameless in my celebration over the next seven days, by brazenly soliciting presents, baked goods, cards, well wishes, photos of your boobs, posts on next Monday dedicated solely to my awesomeness, and grainy home videos of you having sex.
Last year, during Avitaweek 2008, my first post also coincided with Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. In that post, I compared our similarities. This year, I’m going to talk to the man himself:
I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.
MLK: It’s my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.
Me: Can I call you Marty?
MLK: Excuse me?
Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.
MLK: Ummm….
Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?
MLK: What?
Me: They don’t have movies in heaven? I’d think you’d have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you’re actually in hell?
MLK: No, no. I just don’t trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-
Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.
MLK: You’re quite impudent.
Me: I’m just bored with your snootiness. You’re quite full of yourself for a-
MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?
Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?
MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.
Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.
MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!
Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.
MLK: No, I’m saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.
Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?
MLK: I’m talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.
Me: Ohhh, you’re talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.
MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?
Me: No, why?
MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.
Me: Wow. Preachy much?
MLK: Excuse me?
Me: I’m just saying – now you’re being a bit uppity.
Me: Hello?
Me: Marty?
Celebrate Avitaweek 2009! Go here
Me and the good Doctor King
Avitaweek 2009: For my birthday . . .
Avitaweek 2009: Obama’s Inauguration Speech!
Totally giggling. Why is this painting such a true mental image in my head?
And sadder yet, why would I be willing to pay large sums of money to witness said conversation.
Let the Avitaweek begin. It’s my first. So it’s kinda like you are popping my Avita-cherry.
Kinky.
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Wow…nice conversation you had going. I went to my first AvitaWeen and now my first AvitaWeek, I feel like I’m all grown up now!!
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So my fiance would like you to know that he would totally love to have a photo like that of himself with Hitler. Carry on with your regularly scheduled program.
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I can’t wait for your first hate comment on this one. Someone out there has to “not get it” for it to be edgy.
Sweet hat on Adolf.
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Brilliant!
Seriously…you should be writing for Dave Chappelle. :clap:
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Yay! Happy birthday week!
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only non-african american
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Yay happy birthday week!
That interview was hysterical. How freakin’ sanctimonious he can be!!
I couldn’t figure out how to email you to say thanks for your comment and that I did, finally respond.
And that I am really, super pleased that you commented…for reals.
XO
B.
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Wow your birthday is the same as Australia Day! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australia_Day)
Perhaps those of us in Australia should celebrate it as Avitable Day instead. We probably do much the same thing .. drink, party, see fireworks, have the day of work!
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Twitter: bellaventa
says:
I don’t know whether to be offended or to laugh. Seriously.
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I had a chat, or more so, a lecture off a petrol station worker last week about MLK, which is so not the latest Merc.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Marty McFly.
*SNORT*.
You are seriously asking for a haunting.
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Redneck Mommy, is the Avita-cherry in the butt?
Beth, you’re slowly becoming an adult. All that’s left is the AvitaFirst Communion.
Squeaky Wheel, everybody wants to eat ice cream with a dictator!
BE Earl, I never get hate comments. I think random visitors are too frightened.
Ginger, is he even still on the air?
Just Beth, I had something to say!
Cherry, yes, but you’d do it all naked.
Robin, what’s to be offended at? Because he’s a revered inspirational historical figure? That’s no reason not to make fun of him!
SPD, did you get lectured or were you the lecturer?
NYCWD, these were all legitimate questions!
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“Yeah, OJ got convicted finally.”
Priceless.
I’m watching the news as I type this and they are talking about who is going to be the black role model- Obama or 50Cent. Very interesting.
Happy Avitaweek!! I can’t think of anyone more deserving of a week long celebration of their birth than you. Hope it’s a great one!
Also, what DO you get the guy who has everything AND night vision goggles?
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I am pretty sure MLK has been dead a long time and that you were just talking to a delusional homeless man. LOve the blog regardless, you should check out mine when you get a chance: http://IAMAFUCKINGWHORE.COM Let me know if you want to do a link exchange!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
If there was any doubt, now there is none: You. Are. Crazy.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
hehehehehe
I giggled. I admit it.
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Twitter: _SciFiDad_
says:
You know, I was a little concerned what I’d find when I saw the title of this post, but as I read it, I found it to be an interesting perspective on this week’s events.
Surprisingly good post.
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Hilarious. As we say over here, your a “funny fucker”
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
“Yeah, OJ got convicted finally.”
Yeah – I snorted. Whoops.
Not – the questions everyone wants answered. Do you even know how to use a multimeter or is this just something to add to your gadget collection? Do you need the power tools for Avitaween 09?
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I refuse to start celebrating your birthday until after mine. And I’m pretty sure MLK feels the same way. Also, you’re uppity.
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I see on your list you want a “bug detector” … is the FBI listening to your wild escapes? Wow, you are just like Marty.
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I am currently working on the sex tape but I might need help. How do you have same sex and hold the camera without making the viewer sick… I, of course, am referring to the shakiness of the video not the physical appearance of the actors.
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Due to my poor eyesight I thought you said you wanted Naked goods. Please enjoy the picture of my penis. I’ll try to do it right next year.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
And uppity ghost… dude I deal with that shit all the time!
Awesome “interview” darlin’!
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Hah that was pretty hilarious actually
I’m broke, so I can’t send you presents or cards
I COULD bake you cookies, but they would turn out horribly since I can’t bake (or cook)…I COULD have my mother in law bake you cookies but they would be really good and I’d eat them all before they got to you…
Oh noes I’m running outta ideas!
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You’ve got no boundaries… and I like that about you. A lot. :clap:
What pisses me off is that there’s no mail delivery on MLK day. I like getting mail.
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Adam….if I’m going to have to go through AvitaFirst Communion, you need to make sure you have my name right. I need all the blessings that I can get. Weird thing is, I was at a friend’s house Sat. night and someone there kept calling me Beth.
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Shash, you get him cookies!
Faiqa, why’s that now? I’m a legitimate journalist.
Britt, it’s about fucking time.
SciFi Dad, surprising? This is me we’re talking about.
J from Ireland, I hear that a lot.
Sheila, I need better power tools for Avitaween 2009. The ones I used this past year were not very good.
Tracy, you’re keeping me down!
Kevin, they probably are, if they read my blog at all.
Cris, same sex? Are you having sex with yourself?
Grant, I will hang it on my wall.
Heather, I bet you do. I want more stories!
Sarcastica, didn’t you hear me suggest naked pictures?
Dawn, oh, I have boundaries. I won’t punch myself in the face. That’s rule #1.
Becky, I don’t know why I said Beth! It was wayyy too early in the morning for me to be replying to comments, I think. Sorry about that!
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Ah – gotcha. If I buy you power tools, do I get to see you in your tool belt?
P.S. Am I the only one who thinks it looks like Marty is throwing up a gang sign in that picture?
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:clap: :clap:
You were thinking of me when you called her Beth, right?!
Seriously – good post.
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Scott, thanks for the comment. I removed your URL because I don’t allow unsolicited whoring, but I’ll accept the nice sentiment.
Sheila, that’s just you, you damn Republican.
Sybil, no, to me, you’re always Sybil!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
You have an MLK Jr action figure?! ME TOO!!!!!!
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
you simply must do more interviews.
happy one week til your birfday.
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Poppy, does yours come with kung-fu grip and ninja action?
Becky, they’re fun to do, but I can’t tell if people actually enjoy them or not. And I’m totally stealing the idea from Black Hockey Jesus, so I’m a thief too.
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Hee!
I feel totally guilty for laughing out loud.
The OJ part was my favorite. :lmao:
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I snorted milkshake through my nose.
Not that I’m drinking a milkshake or anything, you know, since i’m on a diet.
Or something.
The line about OJ…priceless. :clap:
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Ok, Avi, I fucking love this post. Also, I went private recently. Noone wept. My email is scot2475@hotmail.com. Shoot me an email if you’re still remotely interested in reading my blog.
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That was incredible.
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He is rather snooty for a ghost.
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Yeah, you know the only reason you got away with ‘Marty’ is because MLK is a pacifist. Otherwise he would’ve popped a cap in yo ass.
How old will you be this year?
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Janna, it’s okay to laugh at Martin Luther King, Jr. He’s dead and can’t get to you.
Stephanie, I’m sure it was a protein shake.
GoK, your balls wept, I’m sure! Email sent.
Craig, thank you!
Karl, you’d think he would have learned some humility after dying and all.
Jessica, you’re cute when you talk all ghetto. I’m turning 32.
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Wow, even in death, the man cannot take a joke. How was he so renowned for his sense of humor??
Or wait, I’m thinking of Martin Lawrence. He’s dead, too, right?
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Yes, my vagina comes with those things.
Oh, right, MLK Jr action figure! Yes, he does too.
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