As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2009! My birthday is on Monday, January 26th, and I plan on being shameless in my celebration over the next seven days, by brazenly soliciting presents, baked goods, cards, well wishes, photos of your boobs, posts on next Monday dedicated solely to my awesomeness, and grainy home videos of you having sex.
Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.
MLK: It’s my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.
Me: Can I call you Marty?
MLK: Excuse me?
Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.
Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?
Me: They don’t have movies in heaven? I’d think you’d have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you’re actually in hell?
MLK: No, no. I just don’t trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-
Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.
MLK: You’re quite impudent.
Me: I’m just bored with your snootiness. You’re quite full of yourself for a-
MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?
Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?
MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.
Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.
MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!
Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.
MLK: No, I’m saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.
Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?
MLK: I’m talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.
Me: Ohhh, you’re talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.
MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?
Me: No, why?
MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.
Me: Wow. Preachy much?
MLK: Excuse me?
Me: I’m just saying – now you’re being a bit uppity.