40 responses

  1. Kimberly
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    Please, please, please read the card in your Barry White voice.

    Am I a bad person because the “Cherry Blossom” division made me giggle?!?!

  2. liquid
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    i thought there were 3 sections of chocolaty wisdomss inside

  3. Hilly
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    I’m totally singing from Avenue Q right now.

  4. Grant
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    What, no “Me so horny – sailor want to hump-hump?” cards? That’s a missed opportunity. I’ll give you a dollar if you say it to me.

  5. hello haha narf
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    i wanted a video post of you reading the card!
    this is me, demanding a do over!!!
    lemme be your cake…hehe

  6. Lenore
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    I did not expect to laugh this hard today.

  7. Kimi
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    I am so sending this link to all my friends!

  8. Father Muskrat
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    The Chinese one is awesome.

  9. Turnbaby
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

  10. Finn
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    If that’s indicative of the Mahogany line, I think I’ll be buying those from now on. They’re so much more REAL than the white cards.

    White people apparently don’t fuck.

  11. Poppy Buxom
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    The Mahogany card? Hello, that’s what you buy if you’re too cheap to get her a present, but you’re hoping you’ll get laid, anyway.

    Love your cherry blossoms … I want to gently unfurl them. And stroke them. In Bangkok. So I’m off to apply for my sex tourist visa.


  12. Sybil Law
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    :lmao: :lmao: :clap:
    Those are good… can’t talk… laughing…

  13. Mr. Fabulous
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    You’re not black? I thought you were black.

    You have a really big penis, right?

  14. Sheila (Charm School Reject)
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    I accidentally bought one of those cards before – only it wasn’t nearly as cheesy.

    And it had Obama on the front.

  15. liquid
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    congratulations on graduating high school. your choices are now become doctor, or become doctor.

    ps. date successful men and no soul brothah, too booku.

  16. Starrlight
    Thursday, January 29, 2009


    After reading the explanation of the card I went back and re-read it.That time I heard Chef from South Park singing it to the refrain of chocolate salty balls. I totally get where Hallmark is going with this now.

  17. NYCWD
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    You may have found a great side gig writing greetings.

    I so jealous.

  18. Thursday’s Child
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    Mahogany cards are my favorite cards to give people. For whatever reason, they’re even more over-the-top than the normal Hallmark cards.

    Also, if you can read that message in a Barry White voice, I’LL orgasm instantly. Just sayin’.

  19. Faiqa
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    LOL. “I bought your used panties from a vending machine?” What does that *mean*??

  20. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    I’m BEGGING you to do a vid of you reading the card in your best Barry White voice.

    And YOU unorganized? I can’t imagine.

  21. Karen Sugarpants
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    :lmao: Those were hilarious!

  22. Avitable
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    Kimberly, my Barry White voice isn’t very good, unfortunately.

    Liquid, but then your writings of your secret love for me would have been revealed.

    Hilly, which song? I’ve never seen it.

    Grant, I was trying to avoid blatant stereotyping!

    Becky, I don’t want to make Britt retch.

    Lenore, I’m glad to have exceeded your expectations.

    Kimi, you can also use that “Stumble” link at the bottom too!

    Muskrat, thanks!

    Turnbaby, I think the new division is a winner.

    Finn, no, we make sweet love!

    Poppy, tell the Thai ladyboys I said hi.

    Sybil, you can’t type and laugh at the same time?

    Brad, I like small butts, though.

    Sheila, oh noes! You bought an Obama card!

    Liquid, I think Asian people are born with doctorates.

    Starrlight, it’s the Barry White/Isaac Hayes collection.

    NYCWD, I could be a millionaire!

    Thursday’s Child, apparently “cards for African Americans” means “over the top”!

    Faiqa, what does it mean? It means that Japanese men buy used panties from vending machines and in stores and schoolgirls sell those panties for lots of cash.

    Angie, I might have to do a video of it. Hm.

    Karen, thanks!

  23. twinkie
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    WOW you have a lot of love. Look at that list of people that wished you a happy birthday on their bloggies. yay you!

  24. Faiqa
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    Are you messing with me? Is that true?

  25. liquid
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    he’s not kidding, it’s true!

  26. Sarcastica
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    Those cards were hilarious! Thanks for sharing :)

    Now, I hope you got my happy birthday wishes on Twitter on Monday? I don’t want you to feel like I forgot you because I DIDN’T! I am computerless :( my computer is being stupid and won’t connect to the wireless and I don’t know why :( sometimes, I can sneak upstairs and use my future MILs computer…but usually someone is on it :(

  27. Coal Miner’s Granddaughter
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    Yep. Loving the graduate/valedictorian card. You’ve just found yourself a new calling. :)

  28. Poppy
    Thursday, January 29, 2009

    Who thinks you’re ungrateful?

    And, all my money is on James. That card rocks.

  29. Avitable
    Friday, January 30, 2009

    Twinkie, it warmed the cockles of my heart. And the heart of my cock.

    Faiqa, it’s completely true.

    Liquid, you’re a different type of Asian, what do you know? :)

    Sarcastica, I did get your tweet. Thank you.

    Heather, I think Hallmark should hire me immediately.

    Poppy, nobody indicated that they thought I was ungrateful. I just wanted to make sure that everybody understood how much I appreciated the gifts and well wishes. And the card was from Jess, actually. James doesn’t do cards.

  30. whall
    Friday, January 30, 2009

    There’s nothing wrong with a little racism as long as someone makes some bling-bling from it.

    And that wording about “culturally-relevant?” Hmm. I guess that’s better than “politically correct.”

    Shoot, a stick in the eye is better than “politically correct.”

  31. Stephanie
    Friday, January 30, 2009

    Is it very very wrong that the Japanese card me laugh so hard I may or may not have farted a little?

    And is that totally a turn-off, or are farts kinda sexy? I mean…when they are done within the confines of your own home, while reading a slightly soft-core porn Japanese greeting card that exploits schoolgirls?


    (Will you read the card in your Barry White voice? pleeeasseeee???? What a great vlog that would be…hint hint)

  32. martymankins
    Friday, January 30, 2009

    I’m going to have to remember to do an Adam birthday post next year to make the cut.

  33. liquid
    Friday, January 30, 2009

    psh, are you suggesting that all ethnicity related information remains solely within said ethnicity? -_-

    …plus i get the “asians only, all asians, all the time, newsletter”

  34. michelle
    Friday, January 30, 2009

    HAHA love the card!!!

    Shit if i knew by mentioning your birthday in a post, i would get a cool thank you i certainly would have!!!

    AM I TO LATE????

    I guess i can wait for this years birthday right?????

  35. Robin
    Friday, January 30, 2009

    I’m black, and I don’t buy the Mahogany cards…but after reading this, maybe I am missing out on some good shit. Next time I am in CVS, I will stroll over and check it out….

    But tell me something – I don’t understand the whole panties thing….

  36. Bethie
    Saturday, January 31, 2009

    Glad you got the gift. Hope you like it and know we love ya!

  37. Jessica
    Saturday, January 31, 2009

    I agree with you, just more corporate greed. Even though the cards are kind of funny, all these race-specific gimmicks annoy me. Next thing you know I’ll be going to the black section of the supermarket to buy fried chicken and watermelon. :banghead:

  38. Colin
    Thursday, May 19, 2011

    I found this greeting card (breeding card?) last night when looking for a birthday card for my wife, who’s black. I’d been about to go with one that had Snoopy on it. Instead, I got a “look, a beautiful card with sincere sentiments” card. There’s still time. I think I might need to go back for this one, for our romantic dinner Saturday night. What should I do?

  39. Colin
    Thursday, May 19, 2011

    BTW, I found this post by searching for “mahogany cards horny”.

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