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You. Are. Not. Safe.

Today is Friday the 13th. For many people, it’s a day of superstition. Thirteen is typically regarded an unlucky number, and Friday the 13th holds specific meaning for people as a day to be careful. Superstitions are numerous in our culture. Don’t cross black cats, avoid ladders, don’t break mirrors, step over cracks – these are just a few of the more common superstitions that exist today. However, that’s just the tip of the unlucky iceberg. There are literally hundreds of daily activities that you could be performing that could cause you to experience bad luck or misfortune.

Avitable’s Superstition Primer

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find an eyelash and blow it away. Your wish will come true!

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a pubic hair and blow it away. Your crotch will smell like the ass of a homeless man for three days.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Avoid cracks, because stepping on a crack will break your mother’s back.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Don’t step on that crack, because your dad’s fucked.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw salt over your shoulder as soon as you spill it. You’ll avoid the devil.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Throw the salt shaker. You will get punched by a large man named Booger.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Hang a horseshoe above your door. Your household will have bountiful times.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Only use one nail to hang it. You will soon suffer a large concussion.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star. Make a wish and it will come true.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
See a falling star and that star is Britney Spears and she’s falling on you. You will be a paraplegic.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Tell a performer “Break a leg” before a show. They’ll give an outstanding performance.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Sneak up behind them and snap their leg with a crowbar. You’ll be anally raped by a large prisoner named Booger.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on wood after mentioning something left up to chance. This way, your good fortune will continue.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Knock three times on the wooden front door of your girlfriend’s house while she blows you because you want it to continue. You will be shot in the face by her dad’s gun.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit’s foot. Fortune should follow you.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Have a rabbit’s ear. A naked Rosie O’Donnell will follow you.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow out all of your candles on your birthday cake in one breath. Your wish will come true.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Blow so hard that you pass out. You will die by cake suffocation.

IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a four-leaf clover. You’ve got the luck of the Irish.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Find a five-leaf clover. You’ve got the luck of the Scottish.

and finally…

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Open an umbrella inside. Especially if you put it over your head.

IT’S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Open one of those little umbrellas that come with drinks inside. Everyone will think that you’re gay.

IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
Cross paths with a black cat. You will experience bad luck.

IT’S WORSE LUCK IF YOU:
Cross a black hooker. You will get your ass cut.

Happy Friday the 13th!

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23 Replies to “You. Are. Not. Safe.”

  1. bluepaintred

    IT’S GOOD LUCK IF YOU:
    Knock three times on wood after mentioning something left up to chance. This way, your good fortune will continue.

    The only superstition I follow is to knock on wood when I have bad thoughts, the knocking on wood apparently makes then not come true. It seems to be working for me.

  2. Dave2

    If there’s anything I’ve learned from watching The Simpsons, it’s that finding a five-leaf clover is bad because you are in one of Mr. Burns’ toxic waste dumps. MUTANTS FOR NUCLEAR POWER!

  3. metalmom

    #1-I could have used the advice about blowing out candles BEFORE my birthday! I still have frosting up my nose!!

    #2-I found a pubic hair, but I didn’t blow it away. It’s stuck in my teeth. :cocksuck2: What now?

  4. Finn

    Oh… and I noticed that you managed to make some rounds this morning — but not on my blog. Please stop reading Britt’s e-mail and come visit me and shower me with compliments. Thank you.

  5. Avitable

    Valerie, cute? My humor is cute now? Fuck.

    BPR, try stroking wood.

    LMSS, this is true.

    BE Earl, he goes to jail for assault, obviously.

    Whall, that’s so 2008.

    Dave2, you can also rub grease on things to make them see-through!

    Sybil, I will avoid getting cut!

    Britt, I hate you.

    SciFi Dad, that was an apt card!

    Metalmom, ummm, use it to floss?

    Finn, it depends on how big your ring is.

    NYCWD, it’s almost evenly good/bad, isn’t it?

    Hilly, you’d like movie Friday, wouldn’t you?

    Finn, whiner.

  6. Stephanie

    This?
    IT’S BAD LUCK IF YOU:
    Find a pubic hair and blow it away. Your crotch will smell like the ass of a homeless man for three days.

    Made me shoot my soda from my nose.
    And then I licked it from the monitor.

    Is that bad luck?

    :dance:

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