I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Hallmark needs to pay me millions.

Hey everybody. Happy Valentine’s Day! (Or Happy Self Love Day!)

Amy and I are in Savannah this weekend, thanks to the glowing reviews from Britt and Becky. We’ve got dinner reservations at some restaurant called Cha Bella, so that should be fun, and then we’re heading over to Oatland Island to join a ghost hunting group at a 50,000 square foot abandoned building. Should be quite the romantic evening!

On Friday, SciFi Dad wrote a hilarious post with his own versions of Valentine’s Day e-cards. I liked the idea so much that I decided to steal it and use it for my post on Saturday while I’m gone.

Once again, I think that Hallmark needs to come up with more clever Valentine’s Day cards that will cover all different scenarios. They’re missing a huge market, and I’m just the genius they need to help!

Here are just a few of my new card ideas:

For your mistress
For your mistress
For the serial killer's girlfriend
For the serial killer's girlfriend
For the lazy wife
For the lazy wife
For the liberal wife
For the liberal wife
For the man-whore's girlfriend
For the man-whore's girlfriend

29 thoughts on “Hallmark needs to pay me millions.”

  1. I’d like a nice card I could hand out to all the people in love reminding them that they’re going to die someday and if they prevent me from getting a decent table at a restaurant tonight then it will happen a lot sooner than they think. Can you and Hallmark work on that for me?

  2. Nothing says romance like the prospect of being terrified by otherworldly beings. It’s, like, a metaphor for love. You guys are so deep. Also, might I point out that you didn’t write a card for the abortion clinic bombing, gun toting, red meat eating, child spanking conservative wife. I demand a recount. That she will inevitably fix.

  3. Amanda, nothing? Not even a card?

    BPR, it’s all yours.

    Dave, well, that way they can justify it!

    Redneck Mommy, the first card was for you, but I think I can take your husband.

    LMSS, heh. I plead the fifth in calling anyone lazy.

    Kapgar, I’ll call it Ballmark.

    Floating Princess, thanks!

    Amber, you could also use that little “Stumble” button to stumble it!

    Stacey, in retrospect, I think you’re correct.

    Grant, I’ll get right on it.

    Turnbaby, I thought it was on Saturday, but luckily when we drove back we missed the race traffic.

    Britt, is that a euphemism for something?

    Hilly, thanks!

    Sybil, Gibson? Did I miss something?

    Poppy, Fs on the rest?

    Jay, I bet someone’s already made a line of those types of cards.

    SciFi Dad, that astounds me. Yours were funny and I didn’t think any of them were offensive!

    Stephanie, yes, a nice meal, fuckyouverymuch!

    Hello, the Avitable line of cards. That has a nice ring to it.

    Marty, my cards will be behind the counter like the porn magazines.

    Faiqa, those type of women get valentines from Jesus.

    Bossy, did you lose a contact? šŸ˜€

    Sarcastica, so should Hallmark!

    AHAU, genius! I should totally do that, too.

    Muskrat, thanks!

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