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It is my goal to disagree with everyone who reads this post

With only around 20 people caring about the date of the Halloween party, I’ve decided that my blog is experiencing a recession. And like Black President Jesus said, it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

So I figured I’d just act like a Republican and hurry it along. I bet that I can alienate each and every one of you with my opinions on various topics. I mean, since I’ve been able to do it inadvertently over the last few months, a conscious decision to piss everyone off should be a smashing success.

I believe that:

1. Animals are more important than most people.
2. Every religion is simultaneously right and wrong and if you think that your particular religion, making up a small portion of people in the world, is the only right one, you’re stupid.
3. People should be licensed before they can have children.
4. Stupid people should be discouraged to breed or forcibly altered, so that our society can get collectively smarter, not dumber.
5. Every child born today should go to college. If you don’t encourage your child to go to college, you’re a bad parent.
6. Not spanking your child (even if it’s very rarely) is probably going to lead to them being spoiled and being able to manipulate the shit out of you. You’ll disagree, but you’ll see I’m right in 10 years.
7. Jokes about abortion, molestation, abuse, genocide, and other similar topics can be funny if told properly.
8. Vicious hardcore competition is what makes our country and capitalism great, and discouraging kids to compete by letting everyone win or saying that it’s okay to learn from the experience is contributing to the downfall of our society.
9. A boy asking a girl to have sex with him and then whining about it to see if she gives in is not rape, and fuck you for making men feel bad for trying to get laid.
10. People who go the speed limit on the interstate need to lose their licenses.
11. If you can never have fun without drinking alcohol, you’re pathetic.
12. If you judge people who do drink alcohol, you’re equally as pathetic.
13. If you’ve never lived in more than two places, your perspective on almost all matters is completely worthless.
14. Bloggers who complain about their spouses or bitch about their sex lives on a blog but don’t tell the spouse how they feel are completely disrespecting them and should feel horrible.
15. Mommy bloggers have become the KKK of blogging. They gather together for solidarity and exclude everyone else out of fear and stupidity.
16. Cleanses are unhealthy and anyone who does one is an idiot.
17. The person who works a job in a single income family is working harder than the person who stays home.
18. Having children is a burden that people try to put a positive spin on, when in reality it’s ruined their lives.
19. Nobody who’s hot hides behind a cartoon image on their blog.
20. Some people are hideously ugly and need to be told so that they can actually go hide behind a cartoon image.
21. I have no problem with attractive people getting more benefits in life.
22. Having more money will always improve life, and if you say otherwise, you’re deluding yourself.
23. Morals are just a way for someone to say they’re too weak to decide for themselves.
24. People who rent-to-own are the epitome of white trash. If you can’t afford a new couch, buy a used one.
25. “Nigger” ceased being an insult the first time it became used in mainstream songs. Otherwise, it’s a double standard, and it’s just a word.
26. Parents who raise their kids as vegetarians are bad parents.
27. Rules are for other people.
28. If I have kids and they’re stupid, I don’t think I’ll love them.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Anybody left? Well, if there is anyone who’s left who didn’t get pissed, go say happy birthday to Paul, aka Jester, who’s turning 64 today!

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96 Replies to “It is my goal to disagree with everyone who reads this post”

  1. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

    I’m with you on about 80% of that, including the mommy bloggers community. It’s bad man. Real bad. That’s why I’m an equal opportunity lover/hater of all blogs.

    I will be at the Avitable Halloween party this year. You can hold that as a promise. And if I don’t, you can take one of my kids to sell. They’d be better off being sold than living with you for sure.

  2. Gina

    You are a better blogger than me. I feel similarly about some things but haven’t the balls to post them. I don’t like offending or hurting people’s feelings and know that the thoughts I would express could very well do this.

  3. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    19. Nobody who’s hot hides behind a cartoon image on their blog.

    Well, look at my awesome little avatar and then remember who I am and then you’ll know that this definitely is untrue.

    I’m gonna go act like a Democrat now and call the ACLU on you.

    Oh wait – I better backtrack here since you didn’t get my last joke.

    Quick! I need a distraction. :2girls:

  4. Hilly

    15. Mommy bloggers have become the KKK of blogging. They gather together for solidarity and exclude everyone else out of fear and stupidity.

    This made me snort…in a good way. Also? None of this pissed me off at all but then again, I’m a snarky bitch too.

  5. bluepaintred

    It is probably very rude of me to do this, but I am really really bored, so I am gonna do it anyway.

    1. disagree. However, most animals are cuter than all people

    2. religion is bunk. Unless you worship coffee

    3. strongly agree

    4. strongly agree, but that goes hand in hand with the license

    5. I agree. schooling is important

    6. I spank my children.

    7. If by “if told properly” you also mean in the right setting, then I agree

    8. oh! I hate the everyone gets a trophy for participating thing! Give the best kid (mine) the trophy and let the other ones cry int eh corner!

    9. boys are supposed to try and cajole a girl into sex, but using force to push her down and do it after she says NO IS rape. Whining till she puts out, just means the boys is a loser.

    10. I go 5 under LOL

    11. I don’t drink

    12. My husband drinks, sometimes, but as long as he doesn’t spill it, I don’t care.

    13. pfft. I’ve lived in way more than 2 places

    14.YES

    15. Absolutely, plus they are meaner than pitbulls!

    16. cleanses? more info needed please.

    17. absolutely! My husband works 9+ hours a day, while i sit on the computer and occasionally wipe a nose, so yeah, he works harder!

    18. Actually, Disagree. I feel more..Complete? that might not be the right word, regardless, if someone said WAIT, if you have sex tonight you will end up pregnant, I would still spread my legs. It’s not a positive spin, Adam, its just….My boys feel right to me, like another piece to a puzzle..dunno, hard to explain.

    19. Huh? are you saying ugly ppl use cartoons and hot people use real images? if so, YAY! I’m hot!

    20.I disagree. You shouldn’t put yourself down like that. Besides, stick figure avitable looks just like you so what would be the difference?

    21. but are you sure they do get more benefits?

    22. nope, I honestly think that the more money I have the better my life is/would be. now give me more money!

    23. LOL. No. Morals is a word that was given to a word that means knowing right from wrong.

    24. what is rent to own? do we have that in Canada?

    25. Nigger ceased to be an insult the first time a black dude called his friend Nigger.

    26. I agree. Our eyes face forward, therefore humans are carnivores and need meat to live.

    27. rules are for everyone, but on the other hand, the rules should be decided on by everyone, not a select group.

    28. of course your kids wont be dumb. Unless you and amy are cousins?

  6. Robin

    Re: #18, you should form a club with my grandmother-in-law. That’s one of her favorite complaints – how giving birth to her second son ruined her health. She could go on and on…

    I’m definitely a lot more tame now that I’m a mom. But I think I’ve always had a bit of a buzz-kill side…

  7. whall

    Oh yeah?!?!? Well, you’re fat and I can diet!

    Wait. Um.

    You’re hairy and I can get a shave!

    Crap, not what I meant to say. Um.

    You only have syncophants that comment on your blog because you scare away the ones with conviction simply from the Hitler blog header and dolphin porn!

    (It helps if you play back my comment in the style of youtube fred)

    • Catherine

      @whall One single time seeing that header (and being sickened, and figuring I somehow must have gotten mixed up) and I dismissed Avitable and this blog. But then, he was really kind, like deeply, genuinely kind, to someone I care about. So I sucked it up and got over myself and started visiting here. I am indeed mixed up (to say the least), but I know he can be a good friend, which counts in a huge enough way in my book that I’m willing to deal with that and see what else I might be able to suss out. It remains really hard for me to deal with that image when I can’t manage to blind it out before I scroll down. I’ll never get used to it.

      I’ve never seen or noticed dolphin porn. I think I’m probably glad about that.

      • Faiqa

        @whall, I agree. You’re new here, so I think you’ll really like Avitable once you get to know him. You really shouldn’t judge people on a first impression. Or presume that someone is not kidding when they are. Or vice versa. And quid pro quo. Pro bono. (Though really I could be considered more Pro The Edge.) πŸ˜€

          • Catherine

            @Faiqa, Honestly, I hadn’t judged him, just dismissed him. Not judging a person on a first impression is a lesson looong since learned. I totally admit that I often can’t tell when someone is kidding, but I don’t presume either way. I just live with looking like a naif and a dork until I find out. I’m pro-Joshua Tree, fo shizzle.

          • Catherine

            I should have pointed out too, it was many, many moons ago, maybe even a couple years now, that I saw the header and scrammed (again, WITHOUT judging a thing! Just didn’t want to see that image). I since have gotten to know Avitable to some extent, and do really respect him. I read this blog here and there, comment every once in a while.

  8. Ginger

    Heeeey, HEY now! Just because I didn’t comment on the post where you state the date of the Halloween party doesn’t mean I don’t care…it’s already marked on my calendar, baby!! πŸ™‚

    :woohoo:

  9. Dee

    I think you’ve failed miserably πŸ™‚ Noone seems offended…

    I didn’t comment on your Halloween post because unfortunately not all of us are able to make it, as much as we might like to – therefore although it’s big news to some it’s just another date to me. Although I did wonder: why you would have it one week before Halloween?

  10. Robin

    Damn you, Adam. I am not supposed to agree with you…at all. Yet, I find myself agreeing with 98% of what you said….except for the N-word thing…that shit will always be offensive to me, and my parents will always kick my ass if that word ever falls out of my mouth.

    Oh yeah – I care about the Halloween party this year because I get to go this year. πŸ™‚

  11. RebTurtle

    I’m not sure if I should be proud or flogged in public. I think I agreed with about 98% of it. I’d say 100%, but I couldn’t stand and say so with conviction (If I did I probably would run the risk of standing before a jury somewhere and being convicted).

  12. Leanne

    Nope sorry, you won’t get an argument from me about anything on that list.

    Well, maybe one small thing.

    People should be licensed and foced to take regular tests before they have kids to make sure they didn’t pass the first time by fluke.

    You know…like most drivers.

  13. DaDuck

    I agree with 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 25(ooh boy to I believe that one!!!!!)

    some of the others ones I am “iffy” on and can’t say that I completely disagree with you. “I bet that I can alienate each and every one of you with my opinions on various topics.” Nope…unsuccessful. I think you should try again. :lmao:

  14. Kathy

    “19. Nobody who’s hot hides behind a cartoon image on their blog.”
    “20. Some people are hideously ugly and need to be told so that they can actually go hide behind a cartoon image.”

    Cut and paste and send to every message board or forum I’ve been a part of.

    “15. Mommy bloggers have become the KKK of blogging. They gather together for solidarity and exclude everyone else out of fear and stupidity.”

    I snorted, but I’m sure it’s just because I’m not a mommy and I’m, like, totally jealous and stuff.

  15. Been there, Done that

    I know that old people are supposed to be all ornery and shit, but I can’t find a single one to disagree with. You get an F for “failure to piss off.” Now do that assignment over and try harder this time. Damn, that school teacher in me keeps slipping out.

  16. Miss Britt

    You don’t have an eye roll smiley, or it’d be here.

    By the way, if this is true “18. Having children is a burden that people try to put a positive spin on, when in reality it’s ruined their lives.” then I need to seriously rethink our friendship.

    Hope that’s worth the extra comments today.

  17. Summer

    I agree with 2,5,11,12,14!,15,17,22,26
    Not so much with 7,13,28
    Not at all with 18. What is is that makes you dislike children so much? One may grow up to save your life one day, get you out of jail, change your diaper etc.

  18. Valerie

    Maybe people didn’t react because it’s 8 months away- the delayed gratification is too much. Maybe you need to plan a biannual gathering so the events occur within a closer time horizon. Plus with the economy being so poor people don’t know if they’ll have their jobs and the resources to visit Florida for a party. I don’t think your blog is going through a recession; it would be easier to rally the troops around something occurring short run.

  19. greg t

    :boobs2: :boobs4: :boobs3: :sex023: I think you should have a topless pool party this summer. Then you will get responses… Oh I agree with all of em. Makes me a bad person?? I think not…

  20. metalmom

    I’ll give you what you want only because I feel generous today… :heartbeat:

    You have hurt my feelings deeply. I must rethink our friendship. I must write a post asking all of my mommy blogger friends to boycott you and possibly throw dirty diapers at your home!

  21. Avitable

    Robin, I try.

    Angie, I guess I should have made it clear that “mommy blogger” is definitely a specific type of blogger, not just any blogger who’s a mom. And I’ll hold you to that!

    Gina, people rarely get offended by what I write. I think the ones who would were already offended by my header.

    Sheila, I wasn’t talking about avatars. I was talking about the actual blog – people who will never post pictures of themselves in any way. And you are totally hot!

    Redneck Mommy, boxed wine, eh? Sigh.

    Jester, I said you were turning 64!

    Hilly, yeah you are, which is why I lurve you.

    LeSombre, well, Canadian kids don’t count. They’re all too reserved to be spoiled.

    Shiny, I love rotten milk. See? Alien Nation can go three ways!

    BPR, using force is always rape, yes.

    Robin, well, I’m mainly discussing people who use cartoons to resemble themselves on their blogs instead of real pictures. Avatars don’t count.

    Ashleigh, I like you!

    LMSS, well, I have a whole separate rant about tattoos. I think they’re stupid and people get them because they’re deluded. They don’t express shit.

    Jay, I think you and I agree on many areas.

    Whall, I don’t have all sycophants. At least, I hope not. I’d much rather have people who can hold civilized conversations that disagree with me.

    Ginger, well, that’s no excuse!

    Amanda, umm, people who go to school for art and design should just go work at Subway and design me a sandwich?

    Dee, if I did it on Halloween itself, many people wouldn’t be able to come because they’d want to take their kids trick-or-treating.

    Robin, you say “N-word”? It’s just a word. It only has power if you give it power.

    BE Earl, that’s only because I didn’t rant about tats.

    RebTurtle, a flogging would probably be good.

    K&E, you guys are like Bert and Ernie except slightly gayer.

    Chris, I’ve never seen a photo of you, so I’ll have to take your word for that.

    Leanne, that is a good point.

    Dan, really? There’s nothing on there that you secretly agree with?

    DaDuck, ducks are stupid.

    SPD, fop!

    Kathy, snorting is always good.

    BTDT, well, I didn’t talk about my problem with old people!

    Britt, eye roll? I’m not allowed to be cranky occasionally?

    Poppy, oh, I knew I would.

    SciFi Dad, but kittens are awesome! I’ll kick a nun in the crotch, though?

    Sybil, no cartoon images for you!

    Bridget, I like the way that you talk.

    NYCWD, I wasn’t talking about avatars, but people who use them instead of pictures everywhere. You’re the hottest Mr. October around.

    Summer, I’ve talked time and time again about what makes me dislike children. They have very few redeeming qualities.

    Valerie, well, I wanted to give people time to plan and put it on their work schedules if they wanted to come. Unfortunately, I can only afford to have one blogger event a year! However, you need to get on Facebook so I can invite you to a SCHS event.

    Muskrat, Asshole.

    Finn, contrarian!

    Hallie, if my readers disagree, I’d like to know about it.

    Grant, shit, when I wrote it last night, I actually thought, “I need to say something about Asians being unattractive just for Grant!”

    Greg T, I like bottomless pool parties better.

    Dave2, I agree. I like people who can disagree with me in a reasoned way.

    Metalmom, not Dirtydiapersnacht!

    John, good to see we’re on the same page.

    Laurin, do wings have middle feathers?

    Popping Bubbles, I’m a fan of snorting as people read my post.

  22. martymankins

    With the exception of #28, we agree on every single point.

    As for #28, once you have a kid, regardless of the level of stupidity, the rules change and somewhere, deep inside, you still love them, even if you think they are fucking up to a large extent.

  23. Little Miss Sunshine State

    So, you’re telling me my son’s tattoo doesn’t signify an achievement that some doctors had predicted wouldn’t be possible, or my daughter’s tattoo doesn’t signify a life philosophy that came from nearly dying as a baby.

    It’s not like he has a Tasmanian Devil smoking weed and she has a Tramp Stamp.
    They are tasteful and can only be seen if they choose to wear clothes that reveal them.

    Were you scarred by a tattooed lady at the carnival as a child?
    Do you feel the same about piercings?
    I would actually be interested in your rant.

  24. Catherine

    I knew you’d pretty much fail at this goal. The people who visit you regularly already get the gist of who you are and what to expect. They have, in whatever way and for whatever reason(s), risen to the occasion that is the Avitable. They’ve accepted, developed affection for, looked with better breadth, more patience and good faith. People like me know to come in with a thicker skin and and mind held open, superglued with a crowbar if necessary, and judgment suspended till the whole thing’s absorbed.
    I’m mainly saying this from the perspective of people like me who aren’t exactly kindred spirits (not that I disagree with all your ideas on the list up there). Clearly there are lots of people who are just that from the word go – it’d be even harder to put them off.

    Jesus, dude, what were you thinking!?

  25. Avitable

    Marty, you think? I seriously have doubts about that.

    LMSS, take a photo, don’t mark your body with ink that’s going to fade and look stupid. I don’t have a problem with piercings, because they’re temporary. Tattoos are an unprofessional way for people to think they’re expressing something that they’re really not.

    Catherine, I figured that at least one of my opinions would strike a chord, and it seems like it did!

  26. Karen Sugarpants

    You gotta try harder to piss me off! #6 came close, but I would prefer parents got a good spank when they aren’t being good parents. πŸ™‚
    #11 & #12 though – OMG YES. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and used to care what people thought when I decided to get drunk (I always trying to prove I wasn’t like her). I don’t drink as much as in my 20’s but that’s only because I’m getting old and it hurts more the next day.

  27. Avitable

    Robin, oh, you agree with all of them, who are you kidding?

    Ms Batman, damn!

    Karen, what if I said that if you don’t spank your kids ever you’re a bad parent? πŸ˜€

    BBM, it’s true. I’m sorry, but doing work in the home is not as hard as working away from home.

    Faiqa, ha! I knew we shared half a brain.

  28. chamblee54

    Have you ever heard a dog that will not quit barking? Do you wonder what he is saying?
    This post is like poetry. It is more about the sounds the words make than about being offended. Because, when you know you someone is trying to offend you, the correct thing to do is think of it being like a dog that will not quit barking.
    This does give me an idea for a post for my own blog. The first thought was to copy this, but I can think of my own 25 obnoxious opinions.

  29. Avitable

    J from Ireland, there’s no “u” in favorites!

    Chamblee, I hump legs, too.

    TMP, I don’t know – I’m totally in agreement with all of them!

    Elizabeth, well, everybody knows that you’re hot.

    ~Kat, or you’re finally of the right mind!

    Chamblee, it’s hard to think of opinions that are controversial, isn’t it?

  30. Stephanie

    believe that:

    1. I agree-I love lots of animals more than most people. But I’m jaded.

    2. You know we disagree on the religion thing…i appreciate everyones religious beliefs, but aren’t we SUPPOSED to believe that our religion is the “best” one? Otherwise, why do we believe in that particular religion? Rant away.

    3. Oh crap, I absolutely agree that adults should be licensed to bear children.

    4. This one you just posted for comment luv πŸ™‚

    5. Yes, you should encourage your child to go to college.

    6. As a fellow child-free adult, I REALLY agree with this one. Most in my generation were spanked, and if you compare to the riff-raff teens running around now, you’ll see why. Seems now the thing to do is threaten to call DCFS and report your parents for spanking you.

    7. Jokes are only words. They can’t hurt if you don’t allow it.

    8. Yep.

    9. No means no.

    10. People who do 90 on the highway usually end up wrapped around another car.

    11. And possibly a raging alcoholic.

    12. Yep.

    13. Pfftt.

    14. Yep.

    15. Yep. (stimulating responses, yes?)

    16. I have no discipline to do a cleanse. I would like to try one, but then, I’m an idiot.

    17. Yep. The mommy bloggers are gonna come get you now!

    18. Yeah, that comment was totally for effect.

    19. Probably true. But then, I’m hideously ugly and fat, so I guess you’re right.

    20. :poke:

    21. Really? Care to expand on that one?

    22. Yep.

    23. Wrong. Just because you don’t have morals, doesn’t make you right. πŸ™‚

    24. Hmm..I don’t think they are necessarily white trash, just not thinking that in the long run, they just paid quadruple what they should have.

    25. It ceased to be a “bad” word when it was used as a term of endearment within the black community. But I still hate the word.

    26. Can’t comment…no kids….love meat.

    27. That is truly an Avitablism.

    28. You know that’s TOTAL bullshit.

    Try harder to piss people off. Srsly.

  31. Avitable

    Sarah, well, spoiled kids can happen with spanking, too. You seem to be doing pretty well, though.

    Stephanie, people who do 90 on the highway don’t usually end up wrapped around another car. It’s usually someone who doesn’t know how to drive, and the speed is just one factor.

    Anissa, are you trying to say that I was only joking about those?

    Rachel, it’s “you’re”. πŸ˜€

  32. Erika

    Well, you didn’t piss me off necessarily, although I disagree with you about the kids thing (having them myself) but I think that is more due to a biological change in my body from pregnancy than a conscious mental effort on my part. It is effortless, and although there are days when my kids make me wish I was childless again, I wouldn’t trade them. Is my life different? Yes. Ruined? Not by a long shot.

  33. Karen Sugarpants

    I don’t spank my kids ever. Ever. We believe that hitting is never ever okay – not for animals or people.

    But also? Our kids do not get away with anything. They have consequences to their actions – positive or negative. We reward good behaviour, we take away privileges for bad behaviour. We teach them accountability (something many people in the last few generations STILL haven’t mastered). We really do take the time with them to make sure they know what should be obvious social interaction skills, manners, and most importantly, how to be self-sufficient and responsible for their own actions.

    /soapbox πŸ™‚

  34. Twinkie

    Avitable, people that think children ruin lives obviously don’t have any of their own(under the age of ten.)

    People that don’t think children ruin lives obviously don’t have teenagers.

    kidding, sorta.

    Also, I am making my daughter wait until she’s 18 because
    1. she might change her mind.
    2. I sure as hell ain’t paying for it.

    BUT if she chooses to get tatted up at the age of 18, I will gladly share the experience with her.

  35. Haley-O

    Ouch ouch ouch…. Let’s see: #s 15, 16, 17 (though I would love to raise my kids veg)– and, of course, your blog header image…(ouch, but I see where you’re going with it). totally agree with #1, though.

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