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Nightmares, tornadoes, and Halloween

The other night I had a nightmare that James aka Clown and I completely forgot to build anything for the Halloween party and it was two days before the party so we didn’t have time to do anything worthwhile. We decided to have a theme that a tornado struck the house, although what’s scary about a tornado other than the adrenaline-fueled hey there’s wind and debris flying around at a million miles an hour and it could destroy my house type of scare, I don’t know. So we started picking up trash and just throwing it everywhere and took a crowbar to one of the walls of the house and just made it so items of clothing and action figures and books were strewn throughout the house, put “Twister” on the TV, and just hoped that everybody would have fun anyways. Of course, nobody had fun because they were all reminded of the negative things that tornadoes symbolize, not the fun things like being able to shoot a straw through a tree, so everybody left by 9 and they all looked at me and shook their heads sadly as they left in one big group and I tried to explain and say, “But I forgot to decorate!” but that was a really lame excuse, and then James left and so did Amy, although she was probably just going out to walk the dog because she totally wouldn’t leave me over a shitty party. Unless it was a really shitty party. After that, everybody shunned my blog because nobody wanted to read the tornado guy’s blog anymore and so my blog died and since nobody was reading anymore I decided to go ahead and post my death post that I wrote in case of my death and so I posted it and then closed the blog so that anybody new who came and read it would think that I threw an awesome party and then died from awesomeness inflicted by the awesome party and then I woke up.

What I’m trying to say is that even though it’s only two days after Valentine’s Day (and my sister’s birthday – happy birthday, Meagan!), I’m already starting to plan the Halloween party. And the date has been set.

Mark your calendars for Saturday, October 24th!

The rest of this post is behind an extended entry.

Remember this? The little mad lib thingy I did that was too much work for everyone except a select few awesome people?

Anyways, here’s the actual story, plus my favorite out of all the ones submitted:


First thing Saturday morning, Amy and I will sleep until it’s time to wake. She’ll pack my bag, I’ll pack our car, and then we’ll both leave.

Next, we’ll spend a few hours driving until we both arrive. While driving, we’ll do lots of talking and I might ask Amy to direct me so I don’t get lost. Once we both arrive, we’ll check in the hotel and go to our room. Later that day, we plan on sightseeing or maybe even seeing a movie. At 6:30, we have plans to eat dinner, so we’ll have to have finished shopping and sightseeing by then.

After eating, we will rush to a(n) abandoned hospital, where we’ll start hunting for ghosts. For the rest of the night, we will be walking and investigating and probably peeing our pants if it’s too scary. I think that we’ll be completely exhausted by the time we finally fall asleep.

The next morning, before Amy wakes up, I’ll make her coffee, and then we’ll enjoy a leisurely morning before brunch. Then we’ll start driving after that. I think that we’ll probably be too tired by that point to do any real talking and will probably just listen to music instead.

All in all, it should be an exciting Valentine’s Day weekend!

After reviewing everyone’s, I had to choose Clown’s. He didn’t submit it – instead, he emailed it to me. RW’s was a close second, but toilet humor always wins over math humor:

First thing Saturday morning, Amy and I will poop until it’s time to wipe. She’ll wipe my ass, I’ll plunge our toilet, and then we’ll both poop.

Next, we’ll spend a few hours pooping until we both hurt. While pooping, we’ll do lots of pinching and I might ask Amy to wipe me so I don’t get messy. Once we both finish, we’ll poop in the yard and go to our priest. Later that day, we plan on pissing or maybe even shitting a brick. At 6:30, we have plans to wipe bums, so we’ll have to have finished pissing and pooping by then.

After wiping, we will pray to a(n) enchanting toilet, where we’ll start pooping for hours. For the rest of the night, we will be tooting and pooting and probably polluting our air if it’s too stinky. I think that we’ll be completely exhausted by the time we finally fall asleep.

The next morning, before Amy wakes up, I’ll wipe her but, and then we’ll enjoy a leisurely poop before breakfast. Then we’ll start pooping after that. I think that we’ll probably be too tired by that point to do any real pooping and will probably just wipe to noon instead.

For winning, he gets absolutely nothing. Congratulations!

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31 Replies to “Nightmares, tornadoes, and Halloween”

  1. Sybil Law

    The voice inside your head actually left a comment!!! That is scary, dude!! :lmao:
    That said, I am so coming to your party, even if you uninvite me.
    The house wouldn’t even have to be decorated. I’d even bring my own liquor. Just give me a little corner to stand in and drink, and I am cool.

  2. Jay

    Could you imagine all the people all over the blogosphere posting about how sucky your party was? You would have to shut down this blog and then start a new one under an assumed name like “Blogger Boy” and then blog about lots of happy and uplifting stuff so nobody would suspect it was really you.

  3. Avitable

    Faiqa, you totally thought last year was going to be lame, too.

    Sarah, you can just study the week before! It’s called preparation!

    Britt, are you sure? I thought I mentioned the “theme” we came up with.

    Sybil, that was Britt – she forgot to sign in as herself.

    Robin, you and Erik need to save up to come. 8 months is enough time!

    Cissa, that would be awesome.

    Clown, well, if I had written it when I had just woken up, I think it would have been much less coherent.

    NYCWD, especially with that hot model in October, too.

    Hello, funny and very, very weird.

    Sheila, so? Is that some type of important day for you?

    Turnbaby, thanks for that. I’d hope not!

    Becky, well, that works out nicely!

    Jay, I’d change my name to Non-optimistic Bastard and talk about my time in small-town Arkansas.

    LMSS, I’ll call a cab for your mom.

    Grant, I’m totally hardcore.

  4. Faiqa

    Oh, AND thanks for making me a bad parent. I’m working out in my head how old the baby will be in October and whether or not I can get away with being away for more than four hours that night? (BTW, I didn’t think it was going to suck. Your BFF Tariq did.)

    • Avitable

      @Faiqa, two months, right? And two months old is old enough for babysitting to come to my party.

      I know that Tariq thought it would, but you were thinking to yourself “This is just going to be some lame-ass party anyways”.

  5. Poppy

    Woooohoooo! Avitaween is officially on the PoppyDawg calendar!

    BTW, that calendar is a piece of note paper I write on in pencil and Ripley sat on after she sat in something oily. Sad, really. (We don’t write on October.)

  6. whall

    If you ever do quit your blog, I’d start up a co-blog with you. We could do radio shows with opposing views (like, I would want to encourage gun ownership one way and you would encourage it a completely different radical way), and have cool thematic elements and we’d sometimes collaborate on posts but other times I’d post alone and you’d post alone, like it was on a schedule or something.

    Ooh, and some days we’d both post. Those would be called magical unicorn days.

    And the blog’s name?


  7. Avitable

    Faiqa, Tariq can come alone if you want to stay home with your new baby. Heh.

    BE Earl, nothing’s a great prize!

    Stephanie, so I’m more like a crackhouse.

    Poppy, can’t you buy two calendars and write on one of them?

    LeSombre, I’m glad you’re going to come again!

    Robin, that would be very cool.

    Whall, that’s genius.

    Muskrat, damn kids.

    Dave2, well, that I knew.

    Marty, I would love that!

  8. Ashleigh

    :sexytime: Heyyy!
    I would love to come to your Halloween party, it should almost be a no brainer since I live only a few hours away.
    I’ve been lurking around here for awhile now to see that you are pretty entertaining, and last year’s party seemed like fun. I was extremely jealous to not be there.

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