Clearly, You're Retarded was the radio show with Adam Avitable and Britt Reints

$100 by any other name would still smell as sweet


Each Valentine’s Day, I buy Amy flowers. (Attention Valentine’s Day haters: It’s not the only day I get her flowers – I usually try to get her flowers a few times a year for no reason as well.)

The fun part with buying her flowers is trying to come up with something funny to use for the card. (A few Valentine’s Days ago, I told the story of some of the past cards I’ve sent Amy – you should read that if you haven’t before. It’s a good story.)

This year, I got her three dozen roses through They came via FedEx in a big long cardboard box. It’s not as romantic as having a florist deliver them arranged in a vase, but that’s how so many companies do it today.

When I placed the order, I had come up with three possible messages for the card. They were:

1. If these roses could talk, they’d say “Help me! Get me out of this fucking box! I can’t see!”. But they’d also say how much I love you.

2. For Valentine’s Day, here are 36 roses – one for each abortion I made you get.

3. This Valentine’s Day bouquet has been carefully assembled by migrant workers working in cramped conditions for meager pay just so you can enjoy flowers for three days before they all die. Please to enjoy!

Which one do you think I chose?

In other Avita-news:

Tonight (that’s Wednesday night for you midget cowboys out there) is a brand new installment of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”!

Yesterday, I gave the opinion that “Having more money will always improve life, and if you say otherwise, you’re deluding yourself.”. Naturally, being a contrary, stubborn person, Britt disagrees, so I’m going to defend my opinion while she takes potshots at me and dodges questions.

The show will be live from 9 PM to 10 PM EST on Talkshoe. You can listen live online at, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

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39 Replies to “$100 by any other name would still smell as sweet”

  1. RebTurtle

    I think you chose #1. You are a ridiculously funny ass, but you still have the sense to mention that you love her in the note. Your wife has a sense of humor (obviously) but she’s still a woman and you didn’t want to spend the Valentine’s weekend verb-ing yourself in the shower.

  2. Little Miss Sunshine State

    #1 is funny and sweet-that’s my pick.
    #2 seems okay for another occasion, but not Valentine’s Day
    #3 is too long to fit on the teeny-ass card they include with flowers.

    If you’re a dickhead before you get money, then you get rich, you’re probably still a dickhead, but with a nicer car. So yeah, his life has improved in some ways. A lot of people still don’t like him.

    If you are a good person and don’t have money, then you get money, you can then afford healthier food, dental visits, charitable donations. I can say from personal experience, I have been poor and I have also had times when money wasn’t an issue.
    My life was definately improved with money.

  3. SingleParentDad

    I likes option number 1, but I’d have gone for; there’s £50 I won’t see again, enjoy your dying plant life.

    I think I’m with Britt on the money front, but I suppose it depends how much you have in the first place. It brings comfort and options, but is only really a facilitator, much as time and will, are.

    Happy rowing

  4. Jennifer


    Money makes life easier for sure, but it cannot make a person happy.

    Howard Hughes
    Marilyn Monroe

    to name a few. But I’ve also known people who have won the lotto, and it actually made their life pretty miserable.

  5. Sybil Law

    I’m gonna say #2. I think it’s the funniest.
    I will be at that show tonight if it kills me! (Or if the damn power doesn’t go out.)
    Life is more comfortable, maybe, with money. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it improves your life. In fact, with it usually comes more stress, more responsibilities, less time from quality things in life…
    I guess it just depends on how you get it, how you use it, and how smart and WISE you are….

  6. Avitable

    Bluepaintred, can’t you be happy without loving yourself?

    Amanda, I always feel bad for the florists if they see some of the messages I put on these cards.

    Ashleigh, luckily, my wife would find any of those funny.

    Jay, I knew you’d agree with me!

    Sheila, but I don’t want to be unhappy!

    Beth, I do adore her, that’s true.

    LeSombre, I noticed that in mine, too. Can’t figure out what that is.

    RebTurtle, she doesn’t expect that, though.

    LMSS, I didn’t say that more money will make people like you – who cares about that? 🙂

    Chris, I wonder if I’ll be banned from ProFlowers.

    SingleParentDad, I row. She strokes.

    Hello, well, they deliver them all in one package, so I couldn’t use all three.

    Jennifer, Howard Hughes was happy. Just crazy.

    Kapgar, I always tell the truth!

    Sybil, you should move somewhere with more stable electricity.

    Muskrat, awesome.

    SciFi Dad, ooh, look who’s clever and punny!

    NYCWD, they did. I’ve used ProFlowers for about six or seven years and they used to be late a lot, but recently they’ve been on time or early, even.

  7. Grant

    If Miss Britt really wants to drive her point home, she can give all of her money to me, by which I mean the local medical community. If she doesn’t have any spare money, it’s because you are not paying her enough, you romantic bastard.

  8. Faiqa

    Please. You totally said 3. And you’re definitely going to lie to deflate the egotistical way in which all of us who think you said 3 acted.
    ANYWAY. I think I might agree with you on this one. I love money. It’s my weakness…my compassionate, good, loving, accepting person kryptonite.

  9. Avitable

    Prncess of the Universe, thanks!

    Finn, she loves roses. And tulips. And lilies. I only do roses on VD.

    Grant, I’ll see if she’ll take you up on that.

    Sybil, exactly.

    Hilly, you have a 33% chance!

    Robin, you don’t like the abortion one?

    Karen, so life has improved with money? See – you proved my point.

    Faiqa, mine too.

  10. Kori

    You used number three, because it was what I would have used. And of course money imorves your life; anyone who says the whole “money doesn’t buy you happiness” adage are probably people who already have money. Just sayin.’

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