Each Valentine’s Day, I buy Amy flowers. (Attention Valentine’s Day haters: It’s not the only day I get her flowers – I usually try to get her flowers a few times a year for no reason as well.)
The fun part with buying her flowers is trying to come up with something funny to use for the card. (A few Valentine’s Days ago, I told the story of some of the past cards I’ve sent Amy – you should read that if you haven’t before. It’s a good story.)
This year, I got her three dozen roses through Proflowers.com. They came via FedEx in a big long cardboard box. It’s not as romantic as having a florist deliver them arranged in a vase, but that’s how so many companies do it today.
When I placed the order, I had come up with three possible messages for the card. They were:
1. If these roses could talk, they’d say “Help me! Get me out of this fucking box! I can’t see!”. But they’d also say how much I love you.
2. For Valentine’s Day, here are 36 roses – one for each abortion I made you get.
3. This Valentine’s Day bouquet has been carefully assembled by migrant workers working in cramped conditions for meager pay just so you can enjoy flowers for three days before they all die. Please to enjoy!
Which one do you think I chose?
***
In other Avita-news:
Tonight (that’s Wednesday night for you midget cowboys out there) is a brand new installment of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”!
Yesterday, I gave the opinion that “Having more money will always improve life, and if you say otherwise, you’re deluding yourself.”. Naturally, being a contrary, stubborn person, Britt disagrees, so I’m going to defend my opinion while she takes potshots at me and dodges questions.
The show will be live from 9 PM to 10 PM EST on Talkshoe. You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!
In defense of Valentine’s Day
The one where I get shot
If you already have a foundation of loving yourself, money WILL make you happy(ier). if you are not happy with who you are now, money wont help you one bit.
and you chose 1
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
My guess is you did number 3, but I would love to see the look on the face of the florist who printed out number 2
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
I seriously hope it was number two or three, but mostly two, just because it’s ridiculously hysterical.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I’m guessing you used #3.
More money will always make someone happier.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I’m gonna go with number two.
If you are interested in a social experiment, you could give me all of your money and we’ll see who is happier at the end of a month.
I think that’s the only way to truly prove Britt wrong.
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I think you chose #1…because you adore your wife
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
I’ll go with 1, because it was the only one bold in my reader.
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I think you chose #1. You are a ridiculously funny ass, but you still have the sense to mention that you love her in the note. Your wife has a sense of humor (obviously) but she’s still a woman and you didn’t want to spend the Valentine’s weekend verb-ing yourself in the shower.
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#1 is funny and sweet-that’s my pick.
#2 seems okay for another occasion, but not Valentine’s Day
#3 is too long to fit on the teeny-ass card they include with flowers.
If you’re a dickhead before you get money, then you get rich, you’re probably still a dickhead, but with a nicer car. So yeah, his life has improved in some ways. A lot of people still don’t like him.
If you are a good person and don’t have money, then you get money, you can then afford healthier food, dental visits, charitable donations. I can say from personal experience, I have been poor and I have also had times when money wasn’t an issue.
My life was definately improved with money.
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Oh sweet zombie baby jeebus I hope you picked #2! :bukkake:
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I likes option number 1, but I’d have gone for; there’s £50 I won’t see again, enjoy your dying plant life.
I think I’m with Britt on the money front, but I suppose it depends how much you have in the first place. It brings comfort and options, but is only really a facilitator, much as time and will, are.
Happy rowing
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
three dozen roses means that i think you used all three. although if you only went for a single one of them, i say #3.
p.s. i love that you gave her three dozen roses. three is a good number.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
crap. my last comment made it seem like other numbers are bad. bad, bad numbers!
:sex007:
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#1.
Money makes life easier for sure, but it cannot make a person happy.
Howard Hughes
Marilyn Monroe
to name a few. But I’ve also known people who have won the lotto, and it actually made their life pretty miserable.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
So you finally came clean about the migrant workers, eh? I’m proud of you!
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I’m gonna say #2. I think it’s the funniest.
I will be at that show tonight if it kills me! (Or if the damn power doesn’t go out.)
Life is more comfortable, maybe, with money. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it improves your life. In fact, with it usually comes more stress, more responsibilities, less time from quality things in life…
I guess it just depends on how you get it, how you use it, and how smart and WISE you are….
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I like #1.
And I agree on the money front.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
My guess is #1, although if you haven’t done #2 since Valentine’s Day maybe it’s time to consider adding some fibre to your diet (Super Colon Blow now has as much fibre as a redwood forest!)
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Hola hoho snarf took my theory… but if it’s only 1, then I say #2.
Out of plain curiosity, did the flowers arrive on time???
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Bluepaintred, can’t you be happy without loving yourself?
Amanda, I always feel bad for the florists if they see some of the messages I put on these cards.
Ashleigh, luckily, my wife would find any of those funny.
Jay, I knew you’d agree with me!
Sheila, but I don’t want to be unhappy!
Beth, I do adore her, that’s true.
LeSombre, I noticed that in mine, too. Can’t figure out what that is.
RebTurtle, she doesn’t expect that, though.
LMSS, I didn’t say that more money will make people like you – who cares about that?
Chris, I wonder if I’ll be banned from ProFlowers.
SingleParentDad, I row. She strokes.
Hello, well, they deliver them all in one package, so I couldn’t use all three.
Jennifer, Howard Hughes was happy. Just crazy.
Kapgar, I always tell the truth!
Sybil, you should move somewhere with more stable electricity.
Muskrat, awesome.
SciFi Dad, ooh, look who’s clever and punny!
NYCWD, they did. I’ve used ProFlowers for about six or seven years and they used to be late a lot, but recently they’ve been on time or early, even.
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My vote is #3.
xo
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Number three. No doubt.
Three dozen? Does she like roses? Because if you were getting me three dozen flowers I’d want cala lillies or tulips. You know, in case you’re wondering.
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If Miss Britt really wants to drive her point home, she can give all of her money to me, by which I mean the local medical community. If she doesn’t have any spare money, it’s because you are not paying her enough, you romantic bastard.
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Or install a wind turbine!!!!
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I’ll be different and say #1 because it has the love part at the end. I know I am wrong yet still, I am sticking to it!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
#1 is best.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
# 3
And money isn’t everything to those who have it. I used to not have it. Now we do. We fight less, life is easier, blah blah. But if I only had money and not Daren and the boys, that would be sad.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Please. You totally said 3. And you’re definitely going to lie to deflate the egotistical way in which all of us who think you said 3 acted.
ANYWAY. I think I might agree with you on this one. I love money. It’s my weakness…my compassionate, good, loving, accepting person kryptonite.
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Prncess of the Universe, thanks!
Finn, she loves roses. And tulips. And lilies. I only do roses on VD.
Grant, I’ll see if she’ll take you up on that.
Sybil, exactly.
Hilly, you have a 33% chance!
Robin, you don’t like the abortion one?
Karen, so life has improved with money? See – you proved my point.
Faiqa, mine too.
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You used number three, because it was what I would have used. And of course money imorves your life; anyone who says the whole “money doesn’t buy you happiness” adage are probably people who already have money. Just sayin.’
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#3
I think.
Or #1. Cause you are sweet to Amy.
Sometimes.
Or #2. Because you are crude.
Always.
Oh hell, I don’t care.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Number 3, definitely!
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
I pick #4: something so sugary sweet and honest you dare not put it on your blog lest people know the real you.
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I think you wrote #1 but #2 and #3 are fantastic!
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
I love Daisy’s. Hell, I named one of my kids after the damn things!
I say money makes everything better. Trust me, I know! And I say #3.
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Kori, I agree!
Stephanie, #1 isn’t crude?
CMG, you think so, do ya?
Whall, I chose one of those three.
J from Ireland, you might be right!
Blondefabulous, Daisy’s what?
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i hope you chose #2?
additionally, i love Beck: Ghettochip Malfunction
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Crys, I chose #1.
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