Morality is subjective

Secret Tweet Schadenfreude

Have you seen Secret Tweet? It’s like Post Secret except for people who are too lazy to make a postcard. Last month, Bluepaintred decided to pick a few of them and mock them. I am following in her footsteps:

Secret #20845
My best friend and I are perfect for each other. Too bad he’s a guy and I’m a girl. And we’re both gay. =/

You’re perfect for each other yet you’re both gay? I don’t think that word means what you think it does.

Secret #20843
I masturbated for the first time today. I really enjoyed it, but won’t tell a soul…

I masturbated four times today and I proudly announced it each time.

Secret #20833
If I could go back to that day I’d pick you over him. Now he barely speaks to me and I masturbate to you on tv. I am falling for you.

Dr. Phil asked me to tell you he’s falling for you too.

Secret #20828
My parents are awesome and I love them, but sometimes I just want to move away from them and really be my own person.

This is your big secret? I hope you get addicted to crack.

Secret #20824
Swingers that drink alcohol should not be called swingers. You give us a bad name.

Yes, of course. Because swapping sexual partners is such a wholesome activity that enjoying an alcoholic beverage just casts a shadow over the whole endeavor. Next thing you know, they’ll be speeding and littering too! Then the “swinger” name will be completely ruined!

Secret #20809
my girlfriend is laying next to me naked reading im so lucky!

Hm. You’re lucky that she’s laying next to you naked reading?

Secret #20748
It’s wrong that troops who return from Iraq are made to go back at a moment’s notice. Why not send those convicts sitting in jail?

You don’t understand that concept of Secret Tweet, right? You’re probably the type of person who needs instructions to use a cupholder.

Secret #20727
i want to die its just the dying bit that puts me off

I totally want to become a cyborg, but it’s the surgery and amputation of limbs and removal of eyeballs to replace with cybernetic parts that puts me off. Ooh, and I want to go back in time and talk to myself but the whole universe-destroying paradox bit really puts me off.

Secret #15881
Wish I could tell my friends I am a lesbian, but they would never understand.

They might. It just depends. Are your friends team members of the WNBA? Golfers? Rachel Maddow?

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23 Replies to “Secret Tweet Schadenfreude”

  1. B.E. Earl

    I never intentionally announce it when I masturbate.

    But when I shout “Surrender, Dorothy!” at the moment of climax, it kinda gives it away.

    (Just saw “After Hours” again the other day and the “Surrender, Dorothy” bit is one of my favorite things that Roseanna Arquette has ever done.)

  2. Avitable

    BE Earl, never seen it. I’ll have to check it out.

    Amanda, yeah, most of them are pretty lame.

    Stephanie, what’s wrong with a nice meal? It’s nice!

    Sarah, yeah, me too.

    Sybil, you can follow them on Twitter for more entertainment.

    Robin, yours was the swinger one, right?

    SciFi Dad, I know, right?

  3. Blondefabulous

    OK, it was spooky that yesterday I saw a secret tweet that said…

    20837 Michelle, I still love you and I meant every word. I love you a little more every day, and I want you to be happy. With or without me.

    …and I remembered that my friend Michelle just broke up with her BF and he has been stalking her and being generally insane. This sounded so much like his bipolar rantings, I was waiting for a tweet to come next that said

    20838 You are a bitch and I hate you!

    Ah… love! :puke:

  4. NYCWD

    I never really understood the whole “Secret Tweet” thing. Post Secret, I can understand that but a Secret Tweet to me is just another 140 characters wasted.

    But it does make for interesting mockery.

    Especially #20828

  5. Avitable

    Blondefabulous, love indeed.

    NYCWD, some of them are soooo stupid, too.

    Hello, I much prefer PostSecret. Secret Tweet is like the ADD version.

    Muskrat, yeah they are. Just wait until you need to hire someone, though.

    Finn, me too!

    Faiqa, yeah – why would someone need to keep that secret?

    Grant, I’m the great liberator.

    Karen, it’s in the mail.

    Twinkie, no. Enemas are dirty. Secret tweets are just stupid!

    Elizabeth, oh c’mon. Please?

  6. whall

    you know, I actually did a few DITL recordings (that didn’t make it into a DITL) about how at some point, someone would tweet about something they did, like backing up into a parked car. My thoughts were along the lines of “license plate XXXXXXX – I dinged your door so when you get this, tweet back” because the person tweeting wouldn’t have a piece of paper but would have a cell phone.

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