Captain Rantypants Featured Image

Why I will never use 1-800-FLOWERS again


1-800-FLOWERS can suck a disease-ridden wart-covered oozing dick.

About ten days ago, before Valentine’s Day, Tanis (aka Redneck Mommy) adopted a son. She’s been trying forever to find a disabled child who needs a family, and after a lot of heartbreak and drama, she finally found one. Since I wanted to congratulate her and I’m totally trying to convince her to show me her boobs, I thought I’d send a gift basket.

Since Tanis lives in the absolute middle of nowhere in Canada, I knew that getting her the basket might be hard. I order a lot of flowers and gift baskets throughout the year, but they’re all only delivered to the part of North America that counts.

Tanis lives in BFE
Tanis lives in BFE

After going to all of the sites that I usually use, I found out that none of them will deliver to Canada. What the fuck? So I put Google to use. Searching for online stores that ship to Canada, I came across the Canadian 1-800-FLOWERS site. It’s a streamlined version of their US site, but it still had some decent choices.

Here’s what happened next:

Sunday, February 15, 2009:

I placed my order at 6:30 PM and received the following order confirmation with a confirmed delivery date of Monday, February 16.

Here are the details of the order you placed on 2/15/2009:
Your Gift(s):
Product Code:5382L
Delivery Date:02/16/2009

Your Card Message:

Monday, February 16, 2009:

Around 6:30 PM, I called something that is apparently called “customer service” by 1-800-FLOWERS. I would probably call it “talking to time-sucking shit weasels.”

The shit weasel, who was very clearly talking to me from a call center in India yet called himself George, was about as good at customer service as Helen Keller would be at hide and seek. He had no information about the order, no idea if it had been delivered, no clue if delivery had been attempted, and when he tried to call the florist, it went to their voicemail.

“Please to be calling back later so we can do the needful and make another attempt to reach the florist,” George said finally. I begrudgingly hung up and decided that it wasn’t a big deal. I’d call back Tuesday.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009:

Today’s 1-800-FLOWERS customer service experience was less shit weasely and more “ignorant fuck nuttery”, thanks to an almost indecipherable woman named “Betsy”, which is probably short for Petaluma Krishnaramaswamy.

She informed me that today was a holiday in Canada and the florist would be unavailable to deliver it until tomorrow. I asked why it wasn’t delivered yesterday as requested and I received the telephone equivalent of a blank stare, lightly sprinkled with the din of Indian voices chattering in the background.

I’m sure you’ll forgive me for grumbling at this point.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009:

I actually received an unsolicited phone call from a customer service manager from 1-800-FLOWERS. That was almost enough to literally shock the shit out of me. (The phone rang, I picked it up, the woman said she was from 1-800-FLOWERS, and I actually felt my sphincter start to loosen).

She was not from an Indian call center. She was from an American one and she explained in very flawless English that both her company and the florist were monkey-faced cocks who like to masturbate horses onto their naked chests. I may be paraphrasing here. She also indicated that the gift basket had finally been properly scheduled for delivery on Thursday evening. I thanked her for seeming like she was decently intelligent at a company that was filled with yogurt-brained imbeciles.

Thursday, February 19, 2009:

I was busy with work and trusted the nice lady who called yesterday, so I didn’t call.

Friday, February 20, 2009:

I learned that trusting people is stupid and dumb, especially if they work for a shitty company like 1-800-FLOWERS. I was privileged enough to speak with another Indian woman, this time with the name of “Jane”. Jane tried to tell me that my order should have been delivered on Monday. I exchanged a few “No, duhs” with her until she was brought up to speed. She was chipper, friendly, and completely, utterly, indubitably unhelpful.

“The florist is not answering the phone at this time,” she said.
“Okay. Do you have any notes why the basket wasn’t delivered?”
“No. The florist is not answering the phone at this time,” she repeated.
“I understand that. Can I have the name of the florist? I’ll just call them myself later.”
“I am not allowed to give you that information.”
“It’s a secret?”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean, is this like KFC’s secret recipe? Some type of trade secret? How can the name of the florist be confidential? They’re a business out in the real world delivering flowers for anyone who calls them!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you that information.”
“Can you tell me what the first letter of their name is?”
“No, sir, I cannot.”
“Is it A?”
“Sir, I am not allowed to give you the florist information?”
“C’mon, Jane. Is it B? C? R?”
“Thank you for calling 1-800-FLOWERS.” *click*
“Jane, you ignorant slut.”

After this highly enlightening and edutaining (it’s educational AND entertaining) phone conversation, I decided to go to the customer service section of the 1-800-FLOWERS website. I left a very nice email explaining that a very simple order had been fucked up so many times that it was now just a poor burned out pathetic shell of an order, hanging out on a street corner selling its body for smack, but I still loved my little teenage hooker of a gift basket order and still wanted it to be delivered, but only after I could talk to a manager or someone who could actually effect some change. I may be paraphrasing here.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

On Saturday night, I was hanging out over at Britt’s house, eating her food and torturing her children while she drank an entire blender and a half’s worth of margaritas. Around 9 PM, I got a call on my cell phone. It was another customer service manager from 1-800-FLOWERS, and I thought she was calling in response to my email from the previous night. Nope! She had no idea what I was talking about. Do you want to know why she was calling me? Do ya?

She was calling me to let me know that the florist will not be delivering the basket at all because . . . BECAUSE . . . FUCKING A BECAUSE THE FLORIST CAN’T FIND THE ADDRESS!

Now, first. They have Tanis’s phone number. They actually called her on the day they were originally supposed to deliver. So arguably they could, I don’t know, GET DIRECTIONS?

Second, they’re the ONLY florist in her area, and I’m guessing that they have one of those things with squiggly lines and colors and words – OH YEAH A MAP!

Third, why in the name of holy baby Jesus’s asshole did it take FIVE FUCKNUTTING DAYS for them to discover that they can’t find it? Did they lose three delivery guys in the Great White Northern tundra before giving up hope? UNNAMED FLORIST, I hope your shop burns down and you freeze half to death and burn half to death so that when the two halves meet you explode in a mess of ice particles and melty burned flesh.

The 1-800-FLOWERS woman offered a solution. She was going to provide overnight shipping via UPS or FedEx to the address and find a nice package to send out in lieu of the basket. She promised to get that done immediately so that it could be delivered by Monday. I thanked her, hung up the phone, and joined Britt and her family.

Ten minutes later, my phone rang. Since I was occupied with a party game of “Try to keep Britt from stabbing you with a butcher knife”, I didn’t get it in time, but this is what the voicemail said.

“Mr. Arsnickubble, I am very sorry, but I wanted to let you know that for some reason, every time I tried to get your order set up to ship by UPS or FedEx, they kept insisting that the address was an international address. So, unfortunately, I’m unable to have this package delivered at all. If I can figure out this “international” thing, I’ll send it, but I think I’ll just have to refund your card for the amount you paid. Thank you for using 1-800-FLOWERS.”

Gee, you think? UPS and FedEx want to call Canada an international destination? That just boggles the mind! Of course, only if by “boggles”, I mean “makes me want to” and by “the mind” I mean “stab myself repeatedly in the face.”

And that’s why this is one customer who typically spends at least $1000 a year on flowers and gifts who will never use 1-800-FLOWERS again.

88 thoughts on “Why I will never use 1-800-FLOWERS again”

  1. I don’t mean to laugh, this was totally horrible and inexcusable, but I laughed my ass off reading your account of how it all went down.

    UPS and FedEx DO deliver to Canada by the way, they do, I’ve sent things there by both companies before.

    Well, at least now we all know to never use 1-800-Flowers because they are all a bunch of dimfuckingwittedasshats who can’t send a simple basket of flowers across the border.

  2. el oh el

    this amused me. and now I can stalk Tanis ‘cus my house is a mere two centimeters from her very large feet!


  3. I am dying laughing.

    This only makes me love you more.

    Try Tofield Alberta.

    They have flower shops there. Who will deliver.

    Meanwhile, while I wait, can I just say you are one of the only few who chose to acknowledge my son’s arrival?

    I will love you forever for that.

  4. Went on at 11pm on February 13th. Ordered a vase with some tulips from a local shop. Requested delivery to the restaurant my wife and I would be at 10 hours later for breakfast even though it was Valentine’s Day and the website was all “fuck you if you think we’re letting you pick your own delivery time.” Left a note under “special instructions” anyway.

    Called the florist 10 minutes before they actually opened on Valentine’s Day to see what the chances really were that they’d make the delivery.

    “Oh, Mr. Burns. Yes, I saw your order when I came in this morning and we will definitely be able to make that appointment.”

    And they did.

    Screw 1-800-Flowers. FTD, or FTD-affiliated florists are the way to go.

  5. My stepdad sent my mom flowers through for their anniversary in November since he was deployed to Africa. The delivery person rang the doorbell once, and as I was opening the door to answer it, he hopped in his little delivery van and sped off. With my mom’s flowers. He left a note telling us we had to go pick them up, and then when we got there, they were at a different florist across town.
    People who deliver flowers suck.

  6. That was so funny. I hate 1800 FLOWERS, I’ve had a similar experience with them.

    And now, for some clarifications… Yetis (not to be confused with the Canadian Saskwatch or however the hell you spell it) are indigenous to TIBET/NEPAL. Yetis do not live in Canada unless they have shown the temerity to take advantage of Canada’s absurdly lenient immigration laws. (Yeah, dork boy, now, go google it and find some obtuse site that’s going to contradict me…) Yetis are *Asian*. Always.

    UNLIKE accented call center operators, who can also be from any of the following countries: Czech Republic, Russia, Mexico, Brazil and a slew of other places BESIDES India where people can’t speak English worth a damn.

    All that aside: “Petaluma Krishnaramaswamy”?

    Comic. Genius.


    P.S. I’d like to hear *your* accent when *YOU* try to say “Thank you for calling 1800 FLOWERS, Mrs. Krishnaramaswamy, how can I help you today?” in Hindi. I’m betting on major suckiness. Just saying.

  7. What a barrage of emotions I went through reading this post!

    I guffawed all the way through (your paraphrasing full on tickles me fancy) until I got to the $1k annual floral costs, and I’m still in shock. Also, I have the guilts, I must only spend $40 a year on flowers. I should be more giving, although I do get to see a lot of boobies, all the time.

  8. All I have to say is that I wish it were just online florists without clues. Seems like there are a growing number of vendors with no clue.

    BTW, the routing was all wrong to Canada – you forgot the side trip to Singapore first. {*grin*}

  9. Wow, next time just toss some dead flowers in a box, fake the return address, send it two days late and blame it on the postal service. If you’re feeling lazy, pay ME to do it! :poke:

    Tanis, next time I’m at our cabin in Columbia Falls, Montana, I’ll be fortifying it thinking of you and how close we all are to destruction if you were to pass out in a drunken stupor on the way to the outhouse and fall South.

  10. You should try living in Northern Ireland. Do you know of that little stretch of water between us and mainland UK. The one that people swim across and easyjest will fly across for the loose change you keep in your car. That apparently makes it virtually impossible to get anything delivered here.

    But you get very used to it, so it isn’t such a shock whn it happens.

  11. That Arsnickubble is quite the storyteller.

    And just my 2 cents: When I send flowers “Internationally”, I Google a local florist and then deal with them directly. The price of the phone call is often worth it, judging by your experience.

        1. @Avitable, :sexytime:
          When 1800 said, “the florist wont answer the phone”. they were lying to you. They never contacted a florist. Why would they have told you they tried to FEDEX or UPS if a florist was in town? Next time, I would try googling florist and the zip you want or go to and you can find a real florist and not some lying, smary asshat company like 1800Fartlers.

          1. @Avitable,

            Well, that is complete bullshit. I say that as a professional florist. If you ever EVER need flowers delivered to someone in Minneapolis, call us-call me, Laura at 952-929-2103 or toll free 877-663-5672 and I will always feel like delivering for you. I’m sorry so many florist and floral companies behave so unprofessionally. Its embarrassing those of us florists who really do care.

  12. i wish i would have videoed myself reading this because when i got to the part about “is it a secret like the kfc recipe” i laughed so hard that i had a coughing fit which made me laugh harder. i sounded kinda like a barking seal.

    you don’t mind me laughing at your flower adventure, do ya?

  13. HA! See, your first mistake was relying on a national service to find anything rural.

    Fedex, UPS and even our postal system would often send our parcels, clearly marked IRMA, ALBERTA to Airdrie or St. Paul. How the F do they make that leap?

    Of course, NOW we’re living in “The Valley”, to which, apparently only yaks can deliver anything because we are apparently surrounded by mountains that can only be traversed three times a week. Seriously, everything is 2-3 days later than it should take.

    Next time, use, click businesses and Tofeild (Hey! I didn’t know you lived there!), its a small little town, with a nice place to pee on your way through. They surely have a florist. Hell, Edmonton is close enough to Tofeild that you could have something delivered from there.

  14. That is one crazy-ass story. How do people who live in Canada deliver flowers (or any package) to each other? Do they use pack mules? Sherpas? Do they just drive it themselves?

  15. Ahhhhh! S-e-c-r-e-t!! Who knew?? By the way, wasn’t this the same company you already said you would never use because they screwed you over Amy’s flowers?

    Now for me, if it wasn’t for getting screwed over by corporate lackeys I’d have no love life at all.

  16. Not surprised. I tried to use 1900 flowers to send a gift to an American friend and they said I couldn’t because my credit card had to be in the same country as where the delivery was going. WTF?

    p.s. I have a zit the size of Tanis’ new son. I’m guessing no flowers for me either? LOL!

  17. Deja Vu.

    Fuck 1-800-Flowers. They’re affiliated florists suck, and they aren’t much better in the Customer Service Dept.

    From now on I’m going with Edible Arrangements or Amazon gift cards.

  18. Grant, shh, don’t ruin it!

    Suebob, did you calmly explain the difference between “the best” and “rampant idiocy oozing from every ugly fucking pore”?

    Kat, oh, I know they deliver, but the woman couldn’t figure out why they were trying to tell her that it was international!

    Robin, hopefully people will find this post and avoid the company.

    BPR, if she puts down her giant can of PBR, you’re fucked!

    Redneck, by God if I have to fly up there myself, I will get something delivered to your house!

    Howard, you inspired me to make a T-shirt:

    Backpacking Dad, dude, you waited until February 13th? Slacker. I use FTD all the time, but they weren’t working for me this time.

    Redneck, I have manliness?

    Ashleigh, they are officially the worst flower delivery company out there.

    Faiqa, I can discern an Indian accent from a different one. Especially when they say something like “do the needful”.

    Lita, well, flowers and gift baskets typically cost me between $60-90, and I probably order them 12-15 times a year.

    BE Earl, yup! Their US experience was just as bad.

    Dan, they probably attempted delivery in Singapore as well.

    RebTurtle, that’s genius!

    Leanne, can’t the leprechauns bring it?

    Britt, you should teach a friend class.

    LeSombre, that’s exactly how she pronounced it, too.

    Hello, I write my life for everyone else’s edutainment.

    Jennifer, I figured they’d be able to find it, since they can find rural places here in the US.

    PotU, I discovered that, so I can’t figure out why the florist would tell the woman that it was Tuesday.

    Robin, it’s more fun to confront people!

    Blondefabulous, she may only exist in my fevered dreams. It is possible.

    Kimi, they use local florists. Crazy Canadians.

    Cris, did I? I don’t remember that. When was that?

    Karen, you were sending porn flowers, eh?

    NYCWD, I knew you’d appreciate this post.

          1. @Avitable, okay, that comment made me laugh till i horked up a ball of something BIGGER than Tanis’ new baby. Congrats, Tanis!

            P.S. Just to piss off Adam…God bless your family and the new baby!

  19. This whole situation reminds me of the company repairing our dishwasher. The phone conversations are so similar except I got to deal with them in person too. My 5 year old called the one repair guy a moron. He was on the right track with that thought.

  20. First – congratulations Tanis! Bless your heart for adopting a special needs child. It’s not an easy road, but it is worth the effort. If you ever need to talk to someone who’s been there and back, Adam can give you my e-mail address. Don’t hesitate to get in touch. :heartbeat:

    I’ve never used 800-Flowers and never will. I’m an FTD girl. I think 800-Flowers contracts with the second-rate florists that FTD won’t touch.

  21. I send a lot of flower/gift baskety things every year and will NEVER use 1-800-FLOWERS after they fucked up an order last year so royally the Queen Mother felt it.

    That totally sucks, but I know Tanis is giggling at the fucked upness of it all!

  22. So sorry for your pain. That company has screwed me over too.

    I ordered a gourmet basket once, and when it finally got to where it needed to go, it only had a few random convenience store items (Slim Jims and Wheat Thins, Hershey Kisses) with the price sticker still attached. Since when did they make Slim Jims gourmet?

    They didn’t apologize and never made it right.

  23. Christie, it’s not the thought that counts – it’s the end result!

    PocketCT, I think you’ve hit it on the nose.

    Sybil, call Sarah Palin. Now why didn’t I think of that?

    Radioactive Tori, your son is obviously very smart!

    Finn, FTD wouldn’t deliver there so I had to go with 1-800-FLOWERS.

    Dr. Zibbs, thanks!

    Popping Bubbles, she is getting a kick out of it.

    Kitty, now I’m glad they didn’t deliver it if that’s what would have been delivered!

  24. Well, between you, Dawg, and the horror stories I’ve heard in the past, I don’t see why anyone uses them anymore.

    Maybe instead of saying no one has ever sent me flowers, I’ll just tell them 1-800-Flowers never delivered them.

  25. Well I *was* wondering who to use to send some flowers, but the only name that keeps coming up in my head is 800-flowers. I cannot think of a single other company that does that kind of service. Maybe if I keep reading about the horrible job 1-800-flowers does, it might sink in.

    Then again, that old cliche about there’s no such thing as bad press might be true.

    You even linked to their website!

  26. Lynda, that’s the way to do it!

    Whall, I linked to their website so that their analysis might see this link. I mentioned their name so many times so that it will show up in Google if people search for the company name or if they search for companies that provide services to Canada.

    Michelle, I don’t know. The actual basket would have been appreciated a hell of a lot!

  27. Awwww! Ok not that you’d lost me or that you care if you ever lost me as a reader… but this post rekindles any loss of respect I’ve ever had for you. (if there was any to be had or lost to begin with)

    1. You’re a sweet friend who knows how big of a step and how great of a heart redneck mommy has and wanted to let her know you appreciate her.


    2. you didn’t send any suspicious envelopes/packages that ticked or had a powdery substance to those idiots at 1-800 FLOWERS.

    You have the patience of a god for dealing with all those stupid people on the phone that were absolutely clueless. So yay you!

  28. First? Reading you and Faiqa go at it? Made. My. Day.

    B? I think the Apple call center yodels and the 1-800-FUCKUPFLOWERS call center douches work together. And exchange recipes. And bad fake call center names. “Hello, my name is Boris.” WTF ever.

    Third? Thanks for making me pee my pants. Ass.

  29. That entire process sounds painful – and I can relate. Phill and I wanted to send wine and a gift basket to his Dad for Christmas. Well, they fucked around and finally said they couldn’t deliver the wine, but would replace it with a bunch of flowers. Oh and they couldn’t deliver the gift basket intact – they would have to replace some of the items for lesser quality ones. Well, we told them to fuck off and FINALLY got a full refund. As if we’re going to let them replace a pricy bottle of wine for a bunch of FLOWERS for a MAN?! WTF?

    I swear those companies are clueless.

  30. Dude, how’s your Spanish?

    In Canada, everything is available in French and English. So, when I’m calling someplace that will inevitably send me to a call centre overseas, I always choose the French option. 99% of the time I get a person in Quebec that I can say three words to and get them to switch to English.

    I would guess a similar theory would apply in the US. Ask for “en espanol” and then once you get them, ask if you can continue in English. It might help solve some communication issues.

  31. Holy crap that was funny! I had to call Adobe service not that long ago, WTF is with the *obvious* indian c/s with fake names? I swear I spoke to at least two guys with obviously fake names. Seriously? Should I feel insulted? Or maybe awesome since *I* noticed? Dunno. Either way, at least they didn’t try to tell me that they’d fix the problem by ass raping me – they actually passed me up the food chain until I talked with a guy who was whiter than rice. Thank (insert deity of your choice)! :fisting:

  32. My story is not nearly as thrilling, but I, too, will not use 1-800-FLOWERS. I actually have better luck with a local florist or Trader Joe’s for Katie. Believe it or not, Joe’s has some nice flowers that live freakin’ forever by comparison. Certainly makes delivery a bitch though.

  33. I am sorry that you found 800 flowers to be a disappointment. In the future, I would suggest contacting a local florist in your town and getting them to personally handle the out-of town/country aspects of your flowers/gifts.

    always deal with a real local florist. You won’t be disappointed.

  34. Casual Perfectionist, I just think the woman was a moron, through and through.

    Twinkie, it’s all a facade for my sociopathic need to see boobs.

    Heather, Faiqa thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips.

    Foo, Hilly’s my inspiration!

    Katie, I’ve had good luck with some companies, which is nice.

    SciFi Dad, that’s a genius idea.

    Mari, what if it was brown rice?

    Kapgar, I love Trader Joe’s and miss it very much.

    RWK, well, you have too much trust in local businesses. I have found that most of them are morons as well. Additionally, I’ve since found out that the only florist in her town won’t deliver to her address because it’s rural and they don’t really feel like it.

    Stephanie, you have one of those?

    Valerie, ha! Sweet.

  35. Damn. I’m tired just reading this, let alone how tired you must be for going through all of this shit.

    I don’t think I’ve ordered from them before and based on your experience, I will most likely not be ordering from them in the future.

  36. I made the mistake of using 1800FAIL for my mom’s flowers last mudder’s day. When they were eventually delivered A WEEK LATE, the flowers were DEAD. Jane was quite confused when I said “give me back my money you cock sucking weasel” Apparently in India, dead flowers for mother’s day is a symbol of reverence?

  37. sounds like what has happened to me this week.

    So I ordered a fruit basket for a friend in Regina on the Dec. 21 to be delivered on the 24th. Called my friend to make sure someone will be home.

    Got an email on the 25th saying that the basket has been delivered to a local company. Went to their website to see what is going on and it was working fine and their offices will not be opened until the 28th.

    Called them this morning and can never get a hold of them and left a message as all the operators where busy. Called them repeatedly and still they were busy and supposedly was told to go to their website and for some odd reason it is no longer there. isn’t working at all for me I had 3 others check it in various areas of canada and US.

    After 5 hours of not getting though I went to my credit card company to put in a dispute with non delivery of good. They reversed my charges and 1800flowers has 30 days to reply to it.

    After all as of 9:00pm still the operators are still busy. I than called a local florst in Regina to place an order for a fruit basket and they will deliver it tomorrow as I talked to a nice man on the phone about placing my order. sucks big time and from now on no more ordering form places like that for me.

  38. I know I’m late on this, given the date of this original post but this has been my experience with 1800-Flowers over the course of 3 days:

    They totally just failed to deliver a floral arrangement I placed (48 hours in advance) for my grandfather’s wake (Dec 1, 2010) and funeral today (Dec 2, 2010) and tried to switch out the arrangement for roses and other random flowers I did not choose…then they offered to pay for it. I hate roses. I asked them why in the world would I sign off on an arrangement I did not choose or I can’t see. It’s not about payment, it’s about the meaning and significance of why I chose this arrangement. How could they be so nonchalant about a funeral…it was very upsetting. The random as I told them I will never support them again and hope, honestly, they should be shut down….

    Oh wait…they just had someone call me from an Indian Call Center, telling me the order was canceled….I told them, “I know Sherlock, I canceled it because you guys are incompetent.”

    Ugh….so pissed right now.

  39. I guess a screw up is continuing with now. I placed my order for Mother’s day and have never got a delivery. i took 5 days to actually talk to live person. They could not find my order. By guess what- I can find the charge from them on my credit card. Next time will look for somebody from Canada to do a good job

  40. Not up to value.Ugly and disgusting! They advertise all these nice pictures, but as a result local florists sent some whatever they have in stock,bouquet is not nearly close to what was advertised. Their business model is to hope that flower sender will never actually see flowers. Guess what: everybody has a phone novadays. I have ordered this:, paid with service charges and taxes more then $70. Picture I got from the recipient is just a bunch of carnations with daisies: $7.99 at your local Wal-Mart. My advise- go somewhere else

  41. a lot of advertisement, but very unreliable company with misrepresentation of the product.they fill orders through local florist, which put whatever they have in stock. it does not reselmble picture in any way. take your dollar somewhere else

Leave a Reply