Morality is subjective

Avitable’s Gift Guide for the Four Year Old Girl

On Sunday, I have a little party to go to. I carefully researched presents to buy for Emma, who is turning four years old, and I thought I’d share my research with all of you so that if any of you have to go to a birthday party for a four year old girl, you’ll be able to use my handy gift guide!

Item 1: Box of Small Items that Look Like Candy
Filled with carefully chosen scraps of metal, asbestos, nuts, and expanding plastic pieces, this box of individually painted items even smells like candy! This is the gift that will keep on giving. After the endless hours of fun at home, your child will be able to enjoy hours of fun at the hospital having his or her stomach pumped! $44.99.


Item 2: Lil’ Ho Dress up
If there’s anything cuter than your little daughter dressed up like she’s about to go out and give handjobs for a dollar, I don’t want to know what it is! Decorated with sparkly sequins, this G-string/halter top combo is sure to attract the eyes of many a John. $14.99 plus half your take, bitch.


Item 3: Apple Juice Flavored Bleach
This industrial strength bleach is cleverly disguised as a bottle of apple juice and even smells and tastes like the real thing! That is, until the chemicals give your child the cleansing of their life! Now your child can help with the housecleaning and really feel like he or she is one of the adults! $3.99.


Item 4: Dora Does Dallas
Dora the Explorer moves to Dallas to start a new life and ends up becoming Dora the Explored! Your child will learn important Spanish words like “puta”, “penga”, “coño”, “culo”, and “tetas”. $24.99


Item 5: Catch Your Own Pet Mousetrap
This handy gift comes with its own bait and will teach your child to capture his or her own pet to play with! Pet may or may not survive capture. $6.99, plus free rodent disposal.


Item 6: Heroin Addict Barbie
Finally disposing of the ridiculous body proportions that set unrealistic standards for children today, Heroin Addict Barbie comes emaciated with slender hips and a drooping bust. Each rib is perfectly sculpted to stand out, and she comes with two outfits – one for hooking and one that’s puke-stained. Accessories include heroin syringe and Rodney the Rat. Dumpster not included. $30.00.



To order any of these excellent gifts, please send check or money order, made out to “Avitable’s Gifts for Kids”, c/o Prisoner #44904, Seminole County Correctional Center, Division for Sexual Deviants, Orlando, FL 32831. Orders will take 3-4 years with good behavior.

43 thoughts on “Avitable’s Gift Guide for the Four Year Old Girl”

  1. Oh my God. The Dora drawing is so many different kinds of wrong and genius all at the same time.

    By the way, I forgot to tell you. We moved the date, time and location of the party. I’m going to have my friend Chris Hanson give you a call later with the updated info.

  2. Jess, well, it was hard to draw it so that you could tell what it was. Heh.

    Shannon, oh, I’m great at kids’ parties. Especially if it’s a nudist colony.

    Beth, I was going to get him a chainsaw!

    Sheila, thanks. I was pretty happy with it, too.

    Karl, is that like the softer side of Sears?

    Ashleigh, you’re turned on by the Dora one, admit it.

    Amber, thanks!

    Lynda, good for you, reading the fine print!

    Jennifer, I thought about that, but I’m not type of sicko, dammit.

    Deanna, oh, don’t I know it.

    Britt, I think I’ve met him before.

    Robin, I prefer corrupter, thank you very much.

    Sybil, ooh, I should have added that.

    Kapgar, the lessons that kids learn these days.

    Blondefabulous, that’s from the old Dan Aykroyd SNL skit, right? I used to love that. This post is my homage to that and MAD magazine.

    SciFi Dad, you should see if your wife likes this post.

    NYCWD, I should make that film.

    Metalmom, you’re a marketing genius!

  3. My goddaughter turns 5 this year. So I think I’m going to get her coke barbie instead of heroin barbie. That way she learns valuable skills like where to hide drugs at school so she doesn’t get caught because I can’t teach her everything.

  4. Jen, I’m glad you noticed Backpack.

    Grant, I also drew a “Lil’ Shocker” for sticking in outlets but decided to scrap it.

    Finn, lube.

    Hilly, oh, that one’s sick but the others aren’t? 🙂

    Karen, for the Dora DVD, I’m sure.

    Faiqa, I think the Dora show is actually pretty educational.

    Willie G, these aren’t normal gifts??

    Twinkie, good thinking!

    Mara, she’s learning a lot!

    Amanda, a motor home? Like a mobile home? Or like an RV?

    Sarah, that’s good thinking.

    Kevin, ha! It does look like him, doesn’t it?

    1. Every time I comment you write something combative. Where did we go wrong, Adam? What’s happened to us?

      Also, I thought the only people who didn’t have kids that watch Dora were pedophiles. (Besides, Diego is waaaay more educational than Dora).


  5. Nice ideas ! Which one did you bring in the end ?

    I tried to get the hooked-to-heroin Barbie but they were out of stock (due to their promotional pack : one barbie + one free shot included, feel like your idole, they said…) so I had to fall back on the crack-pot/perv Ken with anatomically correct removable parts (think of the endless fun when you bring your kid at the hospital and explain your daughter is actually choking on Ken’s privates! Hilarious!)

    Seriously, I won’t ever invite you. Ever.

  6. Muskrat, no, Boots is the fluffer.

    Poppy, she doesn’t drink martinis!

    LMSS, well, Heroine Barbie (with an “e”) is a superhero.

    Stephanie, thanks – I liked that line.

    Insanewm, your kids would love me!

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