On Sunday, I have a little party to go to. I carefully researched presents to buy for Emma, who is turning four years old, and I thought I’d share my research with all of you so that if any of you have to go to a birthday party for a four year old girl, you’ll be able to use my handy gift guide!
Item 1: Box of Small Items that Look Like Candy
Filled with carefully chosen scraps of metal, asbestos, nuts, and expanding plastic pieces, this box of individually painted items even smells like candy! This is the gift that will keep on giving. After the endless hours of fun at home, your child will be able to enjoy hours of fun at the hospital having his or her stomach pumped! $44.99.
Item 2: Lil’ Ho Dress up
If there’s anything cuter than your little daughter dressed up like she’s about to go out and give handjobs for a dollar, I don’t want to know what it is! Decorated with sparkly sequins, this G-string/halter top combo is sure to attract the eyes of many a John. $14.99 plus half your take, bitch.
Item 3: Apple Juice Flavored Bleach
This industrial strength bleach is cleverly disguised as a bottle of apple juice and even smells and tastes like the real thing! That is, until the chemicals give your child the cleansing of their life! Now your child can help with the housecleaning and really feel like he or she is one of the adults! $3.99.
Item 4: Dora Does Dallas
Dora the Explorer moves to Dallas to start a new life and ends up becoming Dora the Explored! Your child will learn important Spanish words like “puta”, “penga”, “coño”, “culo”, and “tetas”. $24.99
Item 5: Catch Your Own Pet Mousetrap
This handy gift comes with its own bait and will teach your child to capture his or her own pet to play with! Pet may or may not survive capture. $6.99, plus free rodent disposal.
Item 6: Heroin Addict Barbie
Finally disposing of the ridiculous body proportions that set unrealistic standards for children today, Heroin Addict Barbie comes emaciated with slender hips and a drooping bust. Each rib is perfectly sculpted to stand out, and she comes with two outfits – one for hooking and one that’s puke-stained. Accessories include heroin syringe and Rodney the Rat. Dumpster not included. $30.00.
To order any of these excellent gifts, please send check or money order, made out to “Avitable’s Gifts for Kids”, c/o Prisoner #44904, Seminole County Correctional Center, Division for Sexual Deviants, Orlando, FL 32831. Orders will take 3-4 years with good behavior.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Children’s Gift Guide for People Who Hate Kids
The 2010 Avitable Holiday Gift Guide
A difficult day
I’m pretty sure I already own #2. However my thong in no way resembles a long horn…
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You are an evil genious. This is hilarious! Although I don’t know that I would feel the same way if that was my daughters party you were attending.
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Too bad you won’t be at Noah’s 2nd birthday party next week. I have a feeling your gift would be the highlight of the day.
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Your drawing of Dora is remarkably good. And, for some reason, that freaks me out more than any of the rest of this post…
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Twitter: karlerikson
says:
It’s about time we saw the harsher side of Barbie, I say.
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
The Dora drawing is creeeepy.
But I like the Barbie idea. hmm, you should call Mattel about that.
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Evil Avitable-nius strikes again…
The barbie was hilarious!
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I totally was going to order a few things until I saw the shipping times. If I buy something, I want it now!
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You had me at Dora. except to make it especially deviant, adding Diego (her cousin) would have been much better.
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You are SO going to hell. Today. right after Britt kills you. :crazywife:
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Oh my God. The Dora drawing is so many different kinds of wrong and genius all at the same time.
By the way, I forgot to tell you. We moved the date, time and location of the party. I’m going to have my friend Chris Hanson give you a call later with the updated info.
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
You sinner.
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:lmao: :lmao: :clap:
(Oh- and do the toys come with lead?!)
:thumbsup:
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And next Dora will be doing this! :2girls:
(Damn, I hate Dora!)
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I KNEW that little whore was up to no good! And poor Diego is now a smack addict. Homeless, jobless, bitchless, and strung out. Dora, you ignorant slut. :lmao:
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
What about the Wham-o “Bag-o-Glass”, or the Little Giant “Make Your Own Incendiary Device”? A frisbee with sparklers attached to it dipped in gasoline is also a fun gift!
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
Apple Juice Bleach? Awesome.
Dora Does Dallas? Awesomer.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Is it bad that I looked for the Dora video on Amazon?
Yeah… anyway… I’m all for things appley.
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Three versions of #2:
Lil’ Ho
Lil’ Skank Ho
Lil’ Stinkin’ Ho
Always look for line expansion.
(Make sure I get a cut for those ideas.)
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Jess, well, it was hard to draw it so that you could tell what it was. Heh.
Shannon, oh, I’m great at kids’ parties. Especially if it’s a nudist colony.
Beth, I was going to get him a chainsaw!
Sheila, thanks. I was pretty happy with it, too.
Karl, is that like the softer side of Sears?
Ashleigh, you’re turned on by the Dora one, admit it.
Amber, thanks!
Lynda, good for you, reading the fine print!
Jennifer, I thought about that, but I’m not type of sicko, dammit.
Deanna, oh, don’t I know it.
Britt, I think I’ve met him before.
Robin, I prefer corrupter, thank you very much.
Sybil, ooh, I should have added that.
Kapgar, the lessons that kids learn these days.
Blondefabulous, that’s from the old Dan Aykroyd SNL skit, right? I used to love that. This post is my homage to that and MAD magazine.
SciFi Dad, you should see if your wife likes this post.
NYCWD, I should make that film.
Metalmom, you’re a marketing genius!
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I think it’s the look of horror on Backpack’s face that really makes that Dora video.
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In my day we didn’t have these expensive child gifts. We were given a penny and encouraged to find out how an electrical outlet worked. Kids are so spoiled these days.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
So what’s in Dora’s backpack? Sticky tape?
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I think all of those are awesome except the bleach, you sick sick bastard!
I think heroin barbie and dora are the best though.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Thomas’ birthday is in July. Placing my order right now!!
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
HAHAHA@ heroine Barbie and Dora. I’ve always hated those hookers.
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You are somehow just a little outside the realm of normal…
Wow. Hilarious.
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humor, parody, satire.. <<<—- loves those tag lines. but you should have added, “ways to get out of any future kid parties”
Also, that Dora one made me throw up a little.
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Mwaha hahahahhaa wow. Dora.
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My daughter turns four next week. I’m going to have to take all of these into consideration. Strangely enough, she asked for a Motor Home for her Barbies?
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My goddaughter turns 5 this year. So I think I’m going to get her coke barbie instead of heroin barbie. That way she learns valuable skills like where to hide drugs at school so she doesn’t get caught because I can’t teach her everything.
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Is that Pedro from the “South of the Border” rest stop/tourist trap giving it to Dora?
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Jen, I’m glad you noticed Backpack.
Grant, I also drew a “Lil’ Shocker” for sticking in outlets but decided to scrap it.
Finn, lube.
Hilly, oh, that one’s sick but the others aren’t?
Karen, for the Dora DVD, I’m sure.
Faiqa, I think the Dora show is actually pretty educational.
Willie G, these aren’t normal gifts??
Twinkie, good thinking!
Mara, she’s learning a lot!
Amanda, a motor home? Like a mobile home? Or like an RV?
Sarah, that’s good thinking.
Kevin, ha! It does look like him, doesn’t it?
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Twitter: Faiqa
on February 28th, 2009 at Saturday, February 28, 2009 @ 3:15 pm
Every time I comment you write something combative. Where did we go wrong, Adam? What’s happened to us?
Also, I thought the only people who didn’t have kids that watch Dora were pedophiles. (Besides, Diego is waaaay more educational than Dora).
:angel:
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It’s only combative if you fight back! And I only watch Dora on Friday nights when I’m lonely.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
I rarely LOL when reading blogs, but damnation, that’s some good stuff.
I wonder if Boots holds the boom mic.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Yay for Emma making it to 4.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
:martini:
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I would go with Heroine Barbie. Then when you have to buy Emma a Christmas gift, you can get Barbie’s best friend Crack Ho Haley.
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this G-string/halter top combo is sure to attract the eyes of many a John. $14.99 plus half your take, bitch.
That line? Awesome.
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Nice ideas ! Which one did you bring in the end ?
I tried to get the hooked-to-heroin Barbie but they were out of stock (due to their promotional pack : one barbie + one free shot included, feel like your idole, they said…) so I had to fall back on the crack-pot/perv Ken with anatomically correct removable parts (think of the endless fun when you bring your kid at the hospital and explain your daughter is actually choking on Ken’s privates! Hilarious!)
Seriously, I won’t ever invite you. Ever.
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Muskrat, no, Boots is the fluffer.
Poppy, she doesn’t drink martinis!
LMSS, well, Heroine Barbie (with an “e”) is a superhero.
Stephanie, thanks – I liked that line.
Insanewm, your kids would love me!
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It’s times like this when I feel you should be president
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