On Sunday, I have a little party to go to. I carefully researched presents to buy for Emma, who is turning four years old, and I thought I’d share my research with all of you so that if any of you have to go to a birthday party for a four year old girl, you’ll be able to use my handy gift guide!
Item 1: Box of Small Items that Look Like Candy
Filled with carefully chosen scraps of metal, asbestos, nuts, and expanding plastic pieces, this box of individually painted items even smells like candy! This is the gift that will keep on giving. After the endless hours of fun at home, your child will be able to enjoy hours of fun at the hospital having his or her stomach pumped! $44.99.
Item 2: Lil’ Ho Dress up
If there’s anything cuter than your little daughter dressed up like she’s about to go out and give handjobs for a dollar, I don’t want to know what it is! Decorated with sparkly sequins, this G-string/halter top combo is sure to attract the eyes of many a John. $14.99 plus half your take, bitch.
Item 3: Apple Juice Flavored Bleach
This industrial strength bleach is cleverly disguised as a bottle of apple juice and even smells and tastes like the real thing! That is, until the chemicals give your child the cleansing of their life! Now your child can help with the housecleaning and really feel like he or she is one of the adults! $3.99.
Item 4: Dora Does Dallas
Dora the Explorer moves to Dallas to start a new life and ends up becoming Dora the Explored! Your child will learn important Spanish words like “puta”, “penga”, “coño”, “culo”, and “tetas”. $24.99
Item 5: Catch Your Own Pet Mousetrap
This handy gift comes with its own bait and will teach your child to capture his or her own pet to play with! Pet may or may not survive capture. $6.99, plus free rodent disposal.
Item 6: Heroin Addict Barbie
Finally disposing of the ridiculous body proportions that set unrealistic standards for children today, Heroin Addict Barbie comes emaciated with slender hips and a drooping bust. Each rib is perfectly sculpted to stand out, and she comes with two outfits – one for hooking and one that’s puke-stained. Accessories include heroin syringe and Rodney the Rat. Dumpster not included. $30.00.
To order any of these excellent gifts, please send check or money order, made out to “Avitable’s Gifts for Kids”, c/o Prisoner #44904, Seminole County Correctional Center, Division for Sexual Deviants, Orlando, FL 32831. Orders will take 3-4 years with good behavior.