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Avitablehood of the Traveling Pants

When you’re a big guy, you have two options when it comes to shorts. You either wear them up on your actual waist, which means that your belt goes around your gut and looks like someone trying to garrote a hamburger bun, or you put it under the gut, which means that you have to cinch your belt relatively tight so that your shorts don’t fall down around non-existent hips and the non-ass. I choose the latter. This will be important in a minute.

Last Tuesday night, my friend James and I were coming back from dinner when we spied a 27″ TV on the curb (actually, it was the idiot neighbor who has the “Open” sign.) Since a few of our ideas for the Halloween party could use some old electronics, I stopped the car and James grabbed the TV and put it in the backseat.

When we returned to my house, I told him that I’d take care of bringing the TV in the garage, and he went inside. I parked outside of the garage, opened the garage door, grabbed the TV and started walking in.

Almost immediately, my shorts started to fall down. It was almost like they were alive and as soon as they knew that I had a large, heavy object occupying both of my hands, it was time to shimmy!

I had nowhere to put the TV down and only had to walk about 15 feet, so I started walking slowly for the garage, taking widespread duck-like steps and trying to raise my legs really high, making me look like I was a goosestepping Nazi who had been anally raped and stole a TV during a riot. If this absurd looking walk wasn’t weird enough for my neighbors to witness, it wasn’t even working. My pants continued their quest for my feet.

I tried a different tactic. I pushed my full body up against the TV, hoping that the pressure of the TV would catch my belt buckle and keep it from proceeding any farther south. To no avail. In fact, the TV actually caught the top of the buckle and pushed everything down further.

So I froze. And thought, while I stood bowlegged to prevent the descent of my obnoxious shorts. Should I yell for James and ask him to take the TV? Could I put the heavy bastard down on the ground before my shorts hit the ground?

There was no easy solution. So I did what any man (who’s retarded enough to not wear shorts that are tight enough in the first place) who was a real man would do. I stood up straight, my pants dropped to the ground, and I shuffled into the garage with as much dignity as any man carrying someone’s curbside used TV with his shorts around his ankles could muster.

And I wonder why none of our neighbors wave at us!

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42 Replies to “Avitablehood of the Traveling Pants”

  1. SciFi Dad

    A simple solution for the next time this happens to you:

    Think about some indecently young actress like Alexis Bleidel or whoever. Your massive cock will grow erect, supporting the tv, thereby allowing you to pull up your pants.

  2. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    First, you need to go to your neighbor’s house and explain that you want to set up a streaming Web cam on their front porch. Aimed at your house. And then you must stream that fucker live, 24/7 on this site. And then I must give up all semblance of a life, sit in front of this computer, and watch said streaming live video for the rest of my days.

    Just to catch shit like that. :lmao:

    Bless your sweet heart, hon.

  3. NYCWD

    I actually have the same problem with my jeans. Usually by the third floor, I need to stop before indecently exposing myself in the stairwell.

    Of course, I blame my huffing and puffing, but its really my pants fault.

  4. Turnbaby

    LOL

    THanks for the laugh.

    As you know Brad has a similar dilemma. I think we’ve resolved that with some new and very cool jeans. I’ll be checking to see if they make shorts like them.

  5. Kris

    And you have no video to go along with this story? What kind of friends do you have that can’t even just stand there and video such a thing and plaster it all over the internet.

    You need new friends.

  6. Hilly

    I’m actually with Faiqa – cute cute story.

    I love the fact that you just let them drop and went about your business. That is soooo something that I would do (of course I would say something like “the neighbors can kiss my fat ass if they don’t like it).

  7. Avitable

    Ashleigh, well, to be technical, I don’t even own pants. Only shorts. Which are short pants.

    Beth, I don’t think that word means what you think it does!

    Sheila, I hope not. Then they’d see me sneak outside to pee in the front yard every night at 3 AM.

    Whit, you know you owe Britt royalty fees now, right?

    Iddly, no. No, you don’t!

    Hello, if James had been there, he would have grabbed the damn TV!

    SciFi Dad, mmmmm, Alexis.

    Sybil, see above.

    Dave2, this is why pants and shorts are evil.

    Heather, just for you, babe.

    NYCWD, they have a mind of their own.

    Kapgar, this is true!

    Turnbaby, do they have little spikes that just stick in your flesh and won’t come out?

    Radioactive Tori, I’m sure one of the neighbors was peering out their curtains looking.

    Grant, do you really go with #1? That looks dreadful!

    Kris, if Britt had been there, it would have been on video.

    Finn, no, you’re lucky!

    Britt, I’m cutting out the middleman.

    Jay, I’ve thought about it. My wife won’t let me. Ever.

    Fiwa, would you want them to?

    Faiqa, cute? I may be many things, but cute is not one of them.

    Susan, aha! Boxer briefs, actually.

    Twinkie, good point. Then it would have been particularly hilarious.

    Stephanie, yeah, I tighten it until I turn blue.

    Popping Bubbles, I have no shame.

    Maman, ew. I can’t understand men who go commando – it’s just stupid.

    Crystal, I’ll email you pictures of my butt.

    Blondefabulous, I hate the concept of going commando, so don’t worry about that!

    Heather B, yeah, but luckily as a woman you have hips, so that slows the fall.

    Poppy, maybe that will be my costume, hm?

    Hilly, how is that cute??!?

    Mari, one of my neighbors is cool (Hi Ron). The rest are old and kind of cranky.

  8. Meg

    I had something similar happen last week – I was wearing tights under a long skirt with boots (it’s cold here in Maryland). The elastic in the tights decided it was done, thank you very much, and started rolling down over my (um, well padded) lower abdomen, and as if that weren’t bad enough, it was bringing my undies along for the ride. I was walking from the train station to the parking lot and there was nowhere to duck in to fix the problem. They were heading south towards my knees by the time I got to the shelter of my car. How undignified.

  9. Avitable

    Poppy, only if I go commando.

    Michelle, it was a horrific sight.

    BE Earl, your knees might freeze and fall off.

    Stacy, when I was in Saint Louis, I wore them year round, too.

    Robin, we’ll see if it shows up in the innernet.

    Meg, undignified and hilarious!

    Elizabeth, hahaha -yes.

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