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What I learned this weekend

This past weekend, I moved into Britt’s house for a night. She and Jared went away all day Saturday and Sunday, and I stayed over to watch her kids. I was there for 31 hours, 56 minutes, and 44 seconds. A second more, and I may not have survived. However, I did learn some valuable lessons during my ordeal:

  • Telling a four-year old who is playing quietly in her room that you need to make an important call for business and so she should just stay in her room until I’m done means that she will stand at her doorway sixty seconds later yelling at the top of her lungs, “ADAM AWE YOU OFF YOU’ IMPO’TANT CALL YET?”
  • When both children are playing nicely in their respective rooms, thinking that you have time to go to the bathroom in peace is a lost cause. Children have built-in radar that means they’ll head right for the door and start banging on it to see what you’re doing.
  • Likewise, for a child, the best time to ask when they get to eat lunch is while you’re trying to take a shower.
  • No matter how protected you are, a determined child will always be able to hit you in the nuts.
  • Breaking down and sobbing, “Oh God why won’t you just go outside and leave me alone?” will only look like weakness, and children will take that moment to attack.
  • “Playing outside” means standing at the front door, the garage door, or the porch door, screaming “CAN WE COME IN NOW?” for an hour.
  • When a four-year old asks you why you’re so fat, asking her why she’s so ugly is not the best response.
  • If you wash your hands every time a child touches them, rubs their head on them, or puts their feet on them, it will only take you an hour to go through an entire paper towel roll.
  • The movie “Clueless” might have some concepts that are hard to explain to a nine-year old boy. Or, at the very least, awkward to watch with him sitting there.
  • Trying to train a young child to call her mother by “Britt” instead of “Mommy” is impossible, but the same child has no problem repeating verbatim the names her brother called her.
  • The most important lesson I learned: Vasectomies are cheap!

P.S. I found 10 more gray hairs this evening in the mirror.

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49 Replies to “What I learned this weekend”

  1. Robin

    Kids are big on the buddy system. They think you always need a buddy. When you want to go to the bathroom alone. I think it’s been years since I’ve made a solo trip.

    And I have to say, Clueless was a better choice than Stripes. Doug’s aunt was babysitting and took him to see Stripes at age six. :angel:

  2. Jennifer

    I haven’t peed by myself since April 8, 2004.

    You were screwed by the phone call either way. I’ve snuck off to another room to make a call, and they will both stop what their doing and either get into a knock down, screaming brawl or decide to break random things.

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  4. Larissa

    Hey, I’ve got a gifted three year just BEGGING to latch himself on to anyone I let through the front door (I suppose he figures that if I let them in, they’re fair game)…

    Are you free this weekend? Heh.

  5. Miss Britt

    OMG she did NOT say that! And you better not have told that child she was ugly! :crazywife:

    Seriously though – thank you again. Really. I didn’t get a chance to thank you much because you were standing at the door waiting for us when we got there and gone before I could get my luggage in.

    So – thank you. :heartbeat:

  6. Avitable

    BPR, three boys? Would tear me apart.

    Ashleigh, yes. Yes, they are.

    Beth, no, I’d never charge for helping a friend.

    LV Lizard, yes, you did. I’m part of a lucky couple who has chosen to be childless.

    Whall, for me or them?

    BE Earl, yeah, but you’re old!

    Robin, Stripes would definitely be worse. Clueless did have conversations about virginity, though.

    Mandy, very true!

    DaDuck, that’s because I’m wanted by Interpol too.

    Grant, I was thinking about it.

    Jennifer, their radar is crazy!

    Bubblewench, I’m just used to being able to do what I want when I want.

    Sybil, it’s not in the spam folder. Are you sure you didn’t imagine it?

    Vic, that’s true. Way to be an optimist!

    Larissa, he’s gifted? Someone gave him to you as a present?

    SciFi Dad, she’s doing the world a service.

    Hallie, I’m godo with dogs. Plus, they can get locked in their crates.

    Britt, well, I was worried that if I tarried and talked to you, the kids might break free from the duct tape and kill me for good.

    NYCWD, well, it’s just an old prison that I bought, but I think it should be operational by next week.

    Kevin, but I don’t want to get balder!!

  7. Sybil Law

    My crazy brain does not imagine lost comments!
    It went to a blank page and said Done. It was bizarre.
    My brain usually thinks of little clowns stuffed in cars. Hahah… haha…
    Damn I am wacky today.

  8. Jay

    I can’t believe you didn’t teach them to blow things up. Kids love to blow things up. Maybe next time.

    Oh, and they love to play with fire too. Next time bring matches.

  9. Twinkie

    OMGGGGGGAAAAWD Miss Britt trusted YOU with her kids? Somebody should call Child Protective Services on her! LOL

    Actually, I think it’s cute that you enjoyed it sooo much you’re masking your joy by posting how awful it was even though it really wasn’t. I bet in the real version you played with them until they begged YOU to stop.

  10. Kimi

    Next time she needs to leave some hidden cameras around for us all to watch the footage later. I can’t believe she trusted you, a known kid-hater, with her kids! Glad everyone survived, and I agree with another commenter: 10 gray hairs is really getting off easy.

  11. Avitable

    Sybil, I think of big Clowns stabbed in the head.

    Finn, how do you know I don’t go Brazilian down there?

    Karen, Tylenol should be a staple of any babysitter.

    Kapgar, oh, I think Britt taught them everything bad that I could ever hope to teach.

    Dawn, they are indeed.

    Jay, ooh, good thinking. That’s a plan!

    Mad White Woman, can I staple them to the wall?

    Metalmom, everyone has their breaking point!

    Hilly, that’s a good one – I’m totally stealing that.

    Angie, can they swim? If not, can I throw them in the pool?

    Atomic, ah yes, the highlight of my year!

    Twinkie, I’m surprisingly trustworthy.

    Robin, absolutely.

    J from Ireland, suuuure, laugh at my pain.

    Heather, that would definitely kill me.

    SPD, your sister is awesome!

    Elizabeth, I’d like to see you survive. 🙂

    Kimi, moi? A kid hater?

    Karl, what was I thinking?

  12. Avitable

    FG, when I was a teen and babysitting all the time, I changed a ton of diapers, so I would have been reluctant, but I probably would have still said yes. Only for Britt, though.

    Clayton, how do you not kill yourself or run away? 😀

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