This past weekend, I moved into Britt’s house for a night. She and Jared went away all day Saturday and Sunday, and I stayed over to watch her kids. I was there for 31 hours, 56 minutes, and 44 seconds. A second more, and I may not have survived. However, I did learn some valuable lessons during my ordeal:
- Telling a four-year old who is playing quietly in her room that you need to make an important call for business and so she should just stay in her room until I’m done means that she will stand at her doorway sixty seconds later yelling at the top of her lungs, “ADAM AWE YOU OFF YOU’ IMPO’TANT CALL YET?”
- When both children are playing nicely in their respective rooms, thinking that you have time to go to the bathroom in peace is a lost cause. Children have built-in radar that means they’ll head right for the door and start banging on it to see what you’re doing.
- Likewise, for a child, the best time to ask when they get to eat lunch is while you’re trying to take a shower.
- No matter how protected you are, a determined child will always be able to hit you in the nuts.
- Breaking down and sobbing, “Oh God why won’t you just go outside and leave me alone?” will only look like weakness, and children will take that moment to attack.
- “Playing outside” means standing at the front door, the garage door, or the porch door, screaming “CAN WE COME IN NOW?” for an hour.
- When a four-year old asks you why you’re so fat, asking her why she’s so ugly is not the best response.
- If you wash your hands every time a child touches them, rubs their head on them, or puts their feet on them, it will only take you an hour to go through an entire paper towel roll.
- The movie “Clueless” might have some concepts that are hard to explain to a nine-year old boy. Or, at the very least, awkward to watch with him sitting there.
- Trying to train a young child to call her mother by “Britt” instead of “Mommy” is impossible, but the same child has no problem repeating verbatim the names her brother called her.
- The most important lesson I learned: Vasectomies are cheap!
P.S. I found 10 more gray hairs this evening in the mirror.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Why Chinese Mothers are Superior, by Amy Chua (a parody)
Bring your kid to work and have them watch you get fired!
Music that just doesn’t do it for me
poor guy.
wanna baby sit my three next?
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Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
Children are beasts. Vicious beasts.
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I hope you got paid!
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I thought you had kids of your own…did I make that up?
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Avitababysitting. Just 2 steps away from jail.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
10 gray hairs?
Welcome to my world. Well, if you multiply those 10 hairs by a few million. Sigh.
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Twitter: an_bhean
says:
Kids are big on the buddy system. They think you always need a buddy. When you want to go to the bathroom alone. I think it’s been years since I’ve made a solo trip.
And I have to say, Clueless was a better choice than Stripes. Doug’s aunt was babysitting and took him to see Stripes at age six. :angel:
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Hey, the house was left standing and no one had any major injuries. All in all, a veritable success!
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I didn’t receive a phone call for an international hideout. Success! You deserve a drink!
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Clueless? What were you thinking? It would have been the perfect time to introduce the rapscallions to porn.
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I haven’t peed by myself since April 8, 2004.
You were screwed by the phone call either way. I’ve snuck off to another room to make a call, and they will both stop what their doing and either get into a knock down, screaming brawl or decide to break random things.
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Crap, correct that, 2003. See, having kids distorts your sense of time so the little boogers get away with living with you longer.
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Pingback: Anonymous
Twitter: bubblewench
says:
Your tweets alone were hysterical over this. Couldn’t pay me enough to watch kids that, any kids, no matter whose they were!
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:clap: :lmao:
Where did my first comment go?!!
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Dammit.
First comment disappeared!
It was the BEST. COMMENT. EVAH.
:crazywife:
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Only 10 grey hairs? I think that’s pretty good going for a weekend with two kids.
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Hey, I’ve got a gifted three year just BEGGING to latch himself on to anyone I let through the front door (I suppose he figures that if I let them in, they’re fair game)…
Are you free this weekend? Heh.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
Miss Britt: ensuring the world is free of little Avitables, one weekend at a time.
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This was soooo funny and sooo true. Come and babysit my wieners. They are much easier – just don’t make eye contact with Chauncey. He is an angry wiener!
Hallie
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
OMG she did NOT say that! And you better not have told that child she was ugly! :crazywife:
Seriously though – thank you again. Really. I didn’t get a chance to thank you much because you were standing at the door waiting for us when we got there and gone before I could get my luggage in.
So – thank you. :heartbeat:
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Sounds like you had a blast!!!
So when are you opening up Avitable Day Care???
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Just wait to see how many more hairs you find in the sink and the shower drain. Kids do that to ya.
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BPR, three boys? Would tear me apart.
Ashleigh, yes. Yes, they are.
Beth, no, I’d never charge for helping a friend.
LV Lizard, yes, you did. I’m part of a lucky couple who has chosen to be childless.
Whall, for me or them?
BE Earl, yeah, but you’re old!
Robin, Stripes would definitely be worse. Clueless did have conversations about virginity, though.
Mandy, very true!
DaDuck, that’s because I’m wanted by Interpol too.
Grant, I was thinking about it.
Jennifer, their radar is crazy!
Bubblewench, I’m just used to being able to do what I want when I want.
Sybil, it’s not in the spam folder. Are you sure you didn’t imagine it?
Vic, that’s true. Way to be an optimist!
Larissa, he’s gifted? Someone gave him to you as a present?
SciFi Dad, she’s doing the world a service.
Hallie, I’m godo with dogs. Plus, they can get locked in their crates.
Britt, well, I was worried that if I tarried and talked to you, the kids might break free from the duct tape and kill me for good.
NYCWD, well, it’s just an old prison that I bought, but I think it should be operational by next week.
Kevin, but I don’t want to get balder!!
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My crazy brain does not imagine lost comments!
It went to a blank page and said Done. It was bizarre.
My brain usually thinks of little clowns stuffed in cars. Hahah… haha…
Damn I am wacky today.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Why are you looking at your pubic hair in the mirror? :sexytime:
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Jesus that was funny. Especially the one about telling Shemma that she is ugly. I can totally picture you doing that. :lmao:
My kids would teach you how to rock out on Rockband. Bring Tylenol.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I think Britt should follow up with a post about what her kids learned having you stay with them.
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HAHA! Hey, you survived! Kids are an interesting species aren’t they?
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I can’t believe you didn’t teach them to blow things up. Kids love to blow things up. Maybe next time.
Oh, and they love to play with fire too. Next time bring matches.
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ROFLMFAO!!!! Wanna come watch my ADHD son and his brother Adam? They are perfect angels, I swear!!!! :lmao:
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Wow. I thought you were a tough guy, not some pussy. :lmao:
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Whenever a kid asks me why I am fat, I tell them that it is because I eat kids. That shuts them up for a few minutes at least!
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
My kids will be over tonight around 7. They’ll be the two adorable girls crying for Mama. They eat hot dogs and pizza. They might go to sleep around 11. Put on Dora or Wonder Pets and they may stop crying. I’ll pick them up around 5pm tomorrow.
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Glad to hear you had a fabulous time.
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OMGGGGGGAAAAWD Miss Britt trusted YOU with her kids? Somebody should call Child Protective Services on her! LOL
Actually, I think it’s cute that you enjoyed it sooo much you’re masking your joy by posting how awful it was even though it really wasn’t. I bet in the real version you played with them until they begged YOU to stop.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Maybe I should watch the kids with you next time, should put a seal on my undecidedness on having children.
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This is the most entertaining stuff I have read in ages. :lmao:
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Awesome! Glad you survived. Now, there’s this matter of the Ty-man and I going to somewhere beachy. And warm. For 10 days. And we need a sitter. For our three chimps under the age of four.
I’ll just go ahead and mark you down…
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How very responsible of you, and four-year-olds are fantastically robust creatures.
My sister has also been trying to get my son to call me by my first name with limited success.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Ha ha ha, you got beat by little kids!
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Next time she needs to leave some hidden cameras around for us all to watch the footage later. I can’t believe she trusted you, a known kid-hater, with her kids! Glad everyone survived, and I agree with another commenter: 10 gray hairs is really getting off easy.
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Twitter: karlerikson
says:
Silly Avitable, trying to go to the bathroom when there are children in the house.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I’ve been babysat by you and it wasn’t this fun.
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Sybil, I think of big Clowns stabbed in the head.
Finn, how do you know I don’t go Brazilian down there?
Karen, Tylenol should be a staple of any babysitter.
Kapgar, oh, I think Britt taught them everything bad that I could ever hope to teach.
Dawn, they are indeed.
Jay, ooh, good thinking. That’s a plan!
Mad White Woman, can I staple them to the wall?
Metalmom, everyone has their breaking point!
Hilly, that’s a good one – I’m totally stealing that.
Angie, can they swim? If not, can I throw them in the pool?
Atomic, ah yes, the highlight of my year!
Twinkie, I’m surprisingly trustworthy.
Robin, absolutely.
J from Ireland, suuuure, laugh at my pain.
Heather, that would definitely kill me.
SPD, your sister is awesome!
Elizabeth, I’d like to see you survive.
Kimi, moi? A kid hater?
Karl, what was I thinking?
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Poppy, well, it was only for an hour!
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Ahhh – 9 and 4? at least they are out of diapers. I’m guessing you would have said “no” if they were still in diapers?
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Sounds like my everyday life. Your descriptions were dead on.
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FG, when I was a teen and babysitting all the time, I changed a ton of diapers, so I would have been reluctant, but I probably would have still said yes. Only for Britt, though.
Clayton, how do you not kill yourself or run away?
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