Today is Saint Patrick’s Day, a day when the Irish and the non-Irish alike celebrate Irishness by following many traditions including drinking a lot and passing out. In addition to corned beef and cabbage, wearing green, and dancing Riverdance, there are many secret Saint Patrick’s Day traditions and rules that nobody else knows about. Until now:
If you see someone who’s shorter than 4′ 5″, you are legally allowed to kidnap them until they grant you at least one wish. If they’re unable to grant you that wish, you may proceed to toss them. Who ever tosses them the furthest wins.
If you’re a man, and you paint your penis green, you can pretend that it’s a snake fleeing Ireland and women have to try to capture it.
At 9:09 PM, everybody needs to shout out “Fuck England!” and punch each other in the face with their mug.
The first person to reach a blood alcohol level of .317 gets free drinks for the rest of the night.
If you see Sinead O’Connor, you are allowed to punch her in the face once while singing “Nothing Compares 2 The Pope”.
You’ll get a free pass for driving drunk if the officer who pulls you over is named Kelly, O’Shaugnessy, O’Toole, or Houlihan.
If you drink too much and have to vomit, try to vomit in the shape of a shamrock. You’ll get to meet a faerie!
Put a sweet potato down your pants in the morning and by dinner time it will have turned into a pot of gold.
For anyone named Danny, it’s his turn in the glory hole all night, because the pipes, the pipes are calling.
Have a happy Saint Paddy’s Day!