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America’s Next Top Blogger

On the set of the season finale of the Emmy-award winning show, America’s Next Top Blogger:

Announcer: Over the last season of America’s Next Top Blogger, you’ve seen our contestants rise to the very heights of their blogging ability and plunge to their virtual deaths. We started with 20 bloggers and over the last 16 weeks, our judges have eliminated all but the very best three bloggers. Tonight, someone will be crowned America’s Next Top Blogger!

[APPLAUSE]

Phil M. Boyant (Judge #1): Oohweee I’m so excited! Hee! Let’s take you, first, my beautiful NYCWD. I think that you put together a beautiful blog post for the last competition, but you have to be fierce without it being sharp. You know what I mean, boyfriend?

NYCWD: Ummm, not real-

Tyra Dooce (Judge #2): I was disappointed in your confusion between “your” and “you’re”. At this point in the competition, little things like grammar shouldn’t stop up your writing. On my blog, I hire fourteen English majors from Harvard to comb through each sentence to make sure that my final product is as perfect as my booty. Have you seen this booty? It’s bootylicious! (smacks her butt and grins madly at audience) Anywhoosit, you need to put the same type of dedication that I do into each and every word that you write.

NYCWD: But you hire peop-

Nick Nolte (Celebrity Guest Judge): I hold a lifetime Russian Roulette record of 76 and 3.

NYCWD: Ummm, okay?

Phil M. Boyant: Okay my beautiful bloggers, now that that’s clear, let’s move on to the next contestant. This blogger is FABULOUSSSS! I’m talking, of course, about the gorgeous, I wish I had her hair and skin, Bossy! Bossy darling, your blog melts my chocolate heart, but you do too much, girl! What you need to do is bring it, but don’t let it bring you to dinner, you get what I’m saying?

Bossy: Okay . . .wait, what?

Tyra Dooce: Exactly, Phil. I think that sometimes you tend to make too many posts at once. Each one has its own quirk and beauty, but it might be better to space it out some. Like on my blog – that’s a perfect example how I write one lengthy post and then I post a photo of my dog and then my little shithead child. She’s a brat, but I’m training her to smile with her eyes and walk the catwalk just like this! (struts around like a crackhead) You need to strut your stuff, but don’t let it overwhelm your reader, k?

Bossy: But Bossy has nice sections for each-

Nick Nolte: It’s my turn, GODDAMNIT!

Bossy: …

Nick Nolte: Thank you. Now, as I was saying. For my money, there’s nothin’ sexier than a pregnant woman kin take a punch.

Bossy: Bossy thinks you might be drunk?

Phil M. Boyant: Helloooooo? Is everyone ready for the last beautiful blogger of the beautiful bunch? She’s beautiful, she’s a blogger, and she’s our own very Moosh in Indy! Now Moosh dear, your photos are breathtaking. (Holds hands to chest, dabs tear out of his eye) I think that a little more zazz and funk could really spice them up, though, because sometimes they can be a little too demure, ya know? Let’s try to put the “mer” in camera, k, gorgeous?

Moosh: I don’t under-

Tyra Dooce: I agree completely, Phil. I’d also like to compliment your photography. In many ways, you remind me of a young me. I would take photo after photo of anything sitting on top of my dog’s head, and each shot came out beautifully! The best thing you can do to make sure that your photos stay dynamic and as amazing as they should be is just to think to yourself, What Would Tyra Dooce Do? I’ve actually made you a little bracelet that says WWTDD for you to wear around everywhere, and if anyone else wants one, you can buy it in my new enterprise, Braceletyraland! Smack that booty! (Smacks her own bottom again).

Moosh: But I’m allergic to latex!

Nick Nolte: Whoa, what happened, I blacked out for a second there.

Phil: Well, that’s all the time we have for the critique portion of the show. It’s now time for the judges to make our decision. Judges, have you decided?

Tyra: Yes, I have.

Nick: Blargle shanty poof.

Phil: Okay! And this season’s America’s Next Top Blogger is . . .

(camera pans over the worried faces of the three contestants)

Could it be NYCWD?

(camera zooms in on his forehead)

Or maybe Bossy?

(camera pans out and shows her from the knees down.)

Or could it be Moosh?

(camera looks at the top of her head)

Who could it be?

(camera looks at the exit, bored)

The tension is amazing!

(camera gives up, keep wide shot of whole studio)

The winner is . . .

(cameraman leaves camera in place and shoots himself)

Our very own fierce deliciousness blogger, NYCWD!

[APPLAUSE]

NYCWD: Thank you, thank you. I really appreciate it. I thought that the orange might cost me some points, but it seems that-

Tyra Dooce: Not to interrupt, but I’m going to. In the end, we all know that I’m actually the top blogger here. Watch me strut!

(cut to commercial)

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29 Replies to “America’s Next Top Blogger”

  1. moosh in indy.

    I demand a recount!
    (stomps out crying)
    LIKE, I’M SO MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE OTHER *bleep!*! LIKE, I’M GOING TO LEAVE HERE AND START MY CAREER AND TYRA ISN’T EVEN GOING TO REALIZE WHAT SHE HAD BECAUSE I KNOW I’M BEAUTIFUL AND BETTER THAN ALL THOSE OTHER LOSERS. I DON’T NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME HOW GREAT I AM! HEY! DON’T CUT TO COMMERCIAL! I HAVEN’T MADE MY HISSY FIT EXIT YET! HEY! DO YOU KNOW WHO I…
    *scene*

  2. Faiqa

    Whatevah.

    I don’t need Tyra Dooce to tell me I’m the hottest blogger on the Internetz… just ’cause they wouldn’t even let me into the parking lot for the audition doesn’t mean anything. And I am so much prettier than Dawg… anyone with EYES can see that.

    Screw you, Adam. :pissed:

  3. NYCWD

    *SNIFF* *SNIFF

    I feel so loved! So lucky!! So grammatically inadequate!!! But that’s okay… because I’m a wiener!!!!

    :sexytime:

    I wish Tyra Dooce had Nick Nolte‘s Russian Roulette Record.

  4. Avitable

    Catherine, felt just like watching the real show, didn’t it? 😀

    Moosh, oh, the editors totally made you into the villain, too!

    Faiqa, well, you would have won if it was America’s Next Top Blogger Named Faiqa.

    BE Earl, it’s on AvitaTV.

    Redneck Mommy, you made it to the semi-finals by hiding your accent, but then you were finally outed and kicked out.

    Robin, this is just a transcript from a TV show. There are no awards!

    Bossy, it was a close one.

    Sybil, you might have been one of the 20 starting contestants! You’ll have to buy the series on DVD.

    Kapgar, I stole that directly from his fake Twitter account.

    Hello, you and Britt were head to head but she threw you under the bus.

    NYCWD, me too.

    Bridget, blargle.

    Britt, she brought that needed taste of gravitas.

    Neil, well, we missed those episodes.

    Grant, you would have been a ringer!

    Deanna, thanks!

  5. whall

    Pshaw. This is nothing compared to MY new blog show.

    Who wants to be a whallionnaire?

    It comes on right after reruns of The Whall Is Right and is followed by Juan vs Whall Hundred.

  6. Poppy

    This was really funny.

    Writing your instead of you’re is a Dawg trademark. I find it humorous that you harp on it, because I’ve flat out told him never to change that, it’s charming and adorable.

    omg RIPLEY is CRYING. bye.

  7. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    Yeah, I never made it onto America’s Top Blogger. I was trapped in the melee outside when Britt decided to cut line and all hell broke loose. I was trampled by Dave’s stilettos and the next thing I knew, Faiqa’s knee was in my groin. It was horrible.

    Maybe next year…

  8. Avitable

    Stephanie, I hate that show. But I have had to watch it a few times.

    Robin, it’s a great phrase.

    Whall, what about Whall or No Whall?

    Sheila, that’s what I thought.

    Popy, charming and adorable and DRIVES ME CRAZY WITH ITS WRONGNESS EVERY TIME!

    Heather, that’s exactly what happened.

    RebTurtle, I watched it, too. That was Gary Busey.

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