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Avitable helps the ladies of Cosmo

I’m a problem solver. When people have issues or questions, even ones that they don’t know, I feel obligated to step up and help. I’m always right, I’m smarter than they are, and their lives will be better as a result. Tonight, I was alone and bored because there was nobody who unknowingly needed my help. So I decided to turn my superpowers to the forums at the website for Cosmo magazine. Questions are real (click the person’s name for the original post in the Cosmo forums) but have been edited for spelling and grammar.

Roch_b asks:

I know there are lots of posts about curly hair but my hair is naturally curly and it’s so annoying.

I’ve heard about not using shampoo and just using conditioner, then scrunching the hair with mousse/gel and letting it dry naturally. That’s ok but what if you wash it before work and are in a rush?? You use the hairdryer? It just goes frizzy when I do this.

Also do you then use haispray to set it? I also add water and scrunch throughout the day. Any tips on how to keep your curls on a night out? Thanks.

Avitable answers:

Roch_b, if that is your real name, there is a simple solution to your problems. First, give yourself a full day to get your hair exactly the way you want it. Make sure that each and every hair is in place and looks just as curly and bouncy and cute as you want it. Then take a trip down to your local scientific supply store. Tell them that you are the research assistant to a professor at your local university and ask to inspect their liquid nitrogen containers. Pry the lid off of one of the larger containers, and before the store employees can object, dip your head into the liquid nitrogen. It’s usually a good idea to keep it limited to the very top of your head, so if you go all the way to your eyebrows, you may have gone too far.

Keep your head in there for about 30 seconds, and then withdraw. Your curls will now be set in a permanent state of awesome. Go out and party for your night out, knowing that you’ll never see a frizzy hair again! Just make sure your head avoids contact with – well, with anything.

Cosmogal10875 asks:

So I was asked to come out in a wedding in June as a maid of honor. I’m coming out with my bf so I have to look good. The dress has tiny straps and I seriously need to work out my arms and see results FAST!!! Do you guys know any exercising I can start doing to tone up my arms and see results by then please help!!!!

Avitable answers:

There are two easy solutions to this question. The first one would be to add a black cape to your outfit. Since black goes with everything, don’t worry about the bride. She’ll love your initiative and creative flair. Then, paint the flabby parts of your arms black to match the inside of the cape. This will give the optical illusion of your arms being skinny, and everyone will be happy.

The second solution would be to buy some prosthetic arm stumps, attach them while duct taping your own arms behind your back, and just tell the bride that you lost both arms in a horrible threshing accident. She wouldn’t dream of kicking you out of the wedding for being a no-armed freak, and everybody will tell you how thin you look.

ItalianBeauty1 asks:

Like every other person I know I absolutley hate pimples but unfortunately for me I get the urge to pick at them thinking that if I do so they will be gone. Well my genius self woke up with a huge zit at the corner of my mouth. LOL. And the BF asked me the same thing you may be thinking. No, it is not herpes I get tested very often. Well hearing him ask me that I got so embarrassed by the pimple that I popped and tore at it as well as ripping off a bunch of skin. Now I have a huge freaking scab and I would like to get rid of it.

Any suggestions???

Avitable answers:

Next time, try a belt sander. And Valtrex.

ChrisC26 asks:

I’ve always wanted to rock clothes that reveal my back. But my back isn’t sexy enough because I have terrible scarring. It’s just dots or sunspots and I know its not freckles. It’s not a pretty sight, but should I still rock barebacks and tube tops?

Avitable answers:

No. Please, for the love of all that is holy in the world, no. There’s nothing worse than someone who thinks that they have some fashion obligation to rock out clothing that should never be in their possession, whether it’s the “I’m squeezing a sausage” look when someone wears a tube top four sizes too small, or the “Play connect the dots on my back and nobody wins” looks when someone with bacne and scarring decides to expose their own personal horror to the world. If that’s not enough of an answer, please be aware that “rocking” barebacks is illegal in 42 states, and the states in which they are illegal rotate each hour, so at any given moment you could be participating in a felony.

Jammer9 asks:

Does anyone know of a good “homemade” colon cleanser that really works? Thanks much.

Avitable answers:

First, buy a cork. It should be roughly 3 inches in diameter. Lube the cork up and stick it in your rectum until it is lodged in there well. Next, eat fourteen bowls of FiberOne cereal. Follow that with a half cup of Metamucil which has been stirred into 2 cups of castor oil. Eat an entire box of Quaker Oats 100-calorie granola bars, and, finally, drink 1.5 gallons of water. This homemade colon cleanser recipe will mix in your stomach, and if you want to really mix it well, try jumping rope for thirty minutes nonstop. Finally, go into the bathroom, pull out the cork, and let her flow. Hint: You might want to put some newspapers down in your bathroom.

Sunshine399 asks:

OMG I’m as flat as the wall!! 🙁 And please don’t tell me its genetic because I know it is. In fact my parents have no butts as well. There has got to be some tricks and things you ladies do that help get a bum. PLEASE help me, is there any advice out there on ways or things i can do to help me gain a BUTT?

Thank you very much I appreciate it.

Avitable answers:

This is an easy one. All you need to do is date Chris Brown and then tell him that your ass is jealous of his relationship with another woman. The resulting beating will swell your butt to previously genetically impossible sizes.

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30 Replies to “Avitable helps the ladies of Cosmo”

  1. bluepaintred

    Dear Cosavitable : I love painting my toenails and prefer dark or colorful colors – think slut red, Black, or royal blue – My problem is, even though I use a clear coat, My nail polish keeps chipping, and because it is a dark color, the chips are very noticable. What can I do to stop this atrocity?

  2. Faiqa

    She’s coming out for her BFs weddng? Does anyone else think that’s totally selfish, especially since she’s the maid of honor?? I mean, I support people being unafraid and open about their sexuality, but I think she’d be better off… wait a minute. What?

  3. LeSombre

    I’m a problem solver. When people have issues or questions, even ones that they don’t know, I feel obligated to step up and help. I’m always right, I’m smarter than they are, and their lives will be better as a result.

    I could’ve written that. 😉

  4. Cambria

    C’mon now. An easier solution to the colon cleansing would be to drink a bottle of Jack, then proceed to Burger King. The cops would have pulled you over by now because you are puking your brains out on the side of the road (no more food in the tummy!!). You would then proceed to go into shock while they are testing their new tazer gun on you knowing you would not remember a damn thing. You will then come out of your coma a week later and be able to ask the medical staff at the hospital for advice on the cleansing issue. So simple.

  5. Avitable

    Ashleigh, are you looking for a caboose?

    BPR, if you want dark blue, just slam your fingernails in the door. For red, break blood vessels under each nail, and for black, cut your fingers off, let them die, and then reattach.

    BE Earl, no picture. That’s probably a good thing.

    Undomestic Diva, it works wonders.

    Faiqa, groan!

    LeSombre, doesn’t surprise me.

    SciFi Dad, I might just do that.

    Sybil, I should start my own Dear Abby column.

    Moosh In Indy, hahah. No you’re not. Feet!

    NYCWD, do you know any papers that need an advice columnist?

    Bossy, thanks!

    Heather, it works wonders.

    Grant, you know, I didn’t think of that.

    Finn, you have a butt. It’s cute!

    Becky, obviously!

    Sheila, she’s a considerate whore.

    Robin, my door is always open. And I’m usually nude.

    Cambria, maybe you should be the advice columnist!

    Hilly, I’m giving you a mean look from my office.

    Britt, you wish.

  6. CP

    Oh did I pick the right day to visit you again, my friend. I needed that laugh. You should consider making this a weekly feature. You have a lot of guidance over the stupid.

  7. Avitable

    Muskrat, I don’t know. I’m usually so genteel!

    CP, I might make it a feature. Good to see you again!

    Valerie, I was trying to think of other sites, so thanks for the suggestions!

    The Mother, I’m an innovator, what can I say?

  8. whall

    Dear Cosmabitible;

    I can’t write funny blog comments any more. I don’t know if it’s me, or the blog posts themselves being uninspiring and reaching. Some think I’m too hard on others, but they can go suck a toad for all I care.

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