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Verbally Abuse Avitable Day

Apparently, I haven’t been the friend that I wanted to be to some people. I have found out through different sources that I have friends who feel that I have done things that have been hurtful, mean, or neglectful. I know that their feelings are genuine, and regardless of my intent, they do feel that way (which is all that matters).

I wish everyone could just act like on a soccer field and throw up a red flag. If you’re doing something assholish, your friend throws up a red flag, blows on a whistle, and announces to the audience. “Penalty – being hurtful!” Because while that would be embarrassing, plus you’d have to wear those stupid referee shirts all the time, it would tell the other person immediately and they could adjust their behavior accordingly. What happens otherwise is that you assume nothing’s wrong and learn months and months later that you did something to hurt someone.

I value my friends very highly. After my wife, my friends are the most important thing in my life. And it kills me to think that I might have inadvertently done something, whether through neglect or an overt act on my part, that could have damaged one of these relationships.

So I’m declaring today a day of honesty. It’s a time to verbally pummel me. Let me have it. In the comments, whether you want to put your name with it (I’d appreciate it) or be anonymous (I understand), tell me something I’ve done that’s been shitty or hurt you.

I’m serious. I want to know. If I know, it’s something I can fix.

Let me have it. And go . . .

P.S. I’m not looking for support or validation. I just wanted to create a forum for someone to tell me, even anonymously, that I’ve done something hurtful to them. It’s the best way for me to learn about it earlier rather than later.

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66 Replies to “Verbally Abuse Avitable Day”

  1. fidget

    Are these chick friends or dude friends? I always liked being friends with dudes because you can totally walk up, punch them in the nuts, and everything is cool again. The ladies, myself included, require more finesse- this is time consuming and confusing. :poke:

  2. Redneck Mommy

    I really hate the name of your radio show.

    But I really adore you. And I promise if you ever piss me off, I’ll toss up the red flag and tackle you so we can deal with it immediately.

    Smooches you big hairy bear.

  3. Sybil Law

    You never sent me a personal naked picture. Also, you … yeah… that’s all I’ve got! If you ever piss me off, I’ll try to tell you immediately, okay? I’m pretty mouthy – shouldn’t be hard to do!
    :heartbeat:
    (And by the way, it’s damn near impossible not to inadvertently/ unintentionally hurt your friends – it makes you human. It’s awfully sweet of you to want to change it, and own up to it!)

  4. Jane

    I’m not your friend, we’ve never spoken, you don’t follow me back on Twitter, so we know nothing about each other. I just came because you offered the opportunity to heap verbal abuse upon someone and I was feeling hostile. Then you went and ruined it with this weepy ass “I love my friends and if I hurt you” blahblahblah crap.

    I feel lied to and misled.

  5. Maria

    We don’t really know each other yet but I’m sure you’ll piss me off at some point.

    For now I just think you’re awesome though.

    Also it’s nice to come by and comment so I can mesmerized by buttfuckingbananas. Especially cause my brother-in-law’s karaoke handle is Butt Banana.

  6. Miss britt

    Adam, I love you.

    But.

    You don’t want people to tell you.

    When people do tell you, you immediately go into defensiveness and justification mode. People telling you? Those are red flags.

    I know you say they are “reasons”. But the people you hurt? Have reasons too. And they are just valid as yours.

    You need to learn that relationships are two way. Your intentions are just as important as your friend’s perceptions.

    Just as.

    Equally.

  7. Tracy Lynn

    I don’t know, dude. If I say you haven’t offended me, does that mean we aren’t friends? I mean, except for that whole guy fucking a snake thing, or that two girls one cup thing, or the dolphin porn, or those people having sex with the pony… and now that I think about it, those things weren’t OFFENSIVE, so much as they were horribly scarring mentally.

    So yeah, we’re ok.

  8. Dave2

    Don’t beat yourself up… you’re a good friend! We all love you!!

    Er…

    Except that time you promised to get me a list of bloggers who attended Avitableween last year, then didn’t. I really, really, really hate you for that. I know it was ages ago and you totally had your hands full with the party aftermath, but I still feel betrayed. Horribly, horribly betrayed. Not a day goes by that I don’t mentally run through a devious revenge scenario featuring your demise. One day my payback will be at hand, and I shall finally be able to sleep at night knowing that I have triumphed over your treachery. My vengeance will last a thousand years and all the world shall tremble over my wrath. Just you wait my “friend” Adam Avitable… your time is nigh. BWAH HA HA HA HAAAA!!!

  9. Sarah

    I really hate that you don’t have more colleges near Orlando that have my major. Although I’m pretty sure you have nothing to do with this but I’m just putting it out there in case anyone wants to do anything about it.

    I’m also guessing a lot of dumb people live in your state.

  10. hello haha narf

    every day is a day of honesty. if you do something that bothers me, i’ll let you know.

    i know you aren’t looking for validation, but i love that you took the time to post something that could have the potential to open a can of whup ass.

  11. Breigh (Canadutch)

    I feel like I’m missing out on some really awesome inside info here.

    I guess there are benefits to not being a part of your clique, I don’t know you well enough to be offended so I can just sit back, red and enjoy πŸ™‚

    If you ever do offend me I’ll tell you though.

  12. Robin

    I am upset that you don’t kiss Faiqa’s ass nearly enough. THAT has offended me. So kneel down and kiss, mothertrucker!! πŸ™‚

    But, I do agree with Britt – I have seen what she’s talking about during your radio show….just saying.

    It doesn’t offend me anymore, though. You are who you are and you’re not for everybody…and that’s ok.

    :::skulks away as she is very jealous Adam gets to have Brunch with Hilly, Faiqa, Shash AND Britt πŸ™‚ :::

  13. Avitable

    You know who, mom?

    Fidget, mainly female friends. But I prefer female friends. Most men are Neanderthals.

    Redneck Mommy, I know you do, and I’m glad that hasn’t stopped you from talking to me otherwise.

    Faiqa, but you’re beautiful, amazing, and a genius!

    Sybil, I didn’t? Did you order from http://www.nakedavitable.com?

    Jane, sure we know each other! I mean, I know your name is Jane Devin and you, ummmm, write a blog!

    Maria, bananas like it in the pooper. It’s a well-known fact.

    Britt, while I think that how people interpret a situation is extremely important, providing an explanation in no way means I’m invalidating what they’ve felt. And there are situations where how they interpret it is not valid, because they didn’t wait for any of the facts. That’s not true for any of my own personal situations, but here’s a hypothetical. If a wife saw her husband’s shirt in the laundry that had lipstick on the collar and, in the front pocket, a piece of paper with the name “Tiffany” and a phone number written on it, she might think that he was cheating on her. And if she felt betrayed and hurt and angry and disgusted and confronted him, if he had a valid explanation (like it was an extra shirt he had in his car and one of his coworkers needed a shirt after spilling coffee on it), would that mean that her feelings of betrayal were valid? Or would it mean that she should have talked to him before jumping to conclusions? I’m honestly asking here.

    Tracy, note to self: Find animal porn that is mentally scarring AND offensive.

    Dave, I did and I haven’t? I will do that.

    Sarah, a lot of dumb people do live in this state. That’s why it’s called Floriduh.

    Lynn, I’ll see if I can put “Piss off Lynn” on my list!

    Hello, I appreciate you being willing to be honest!

    Breigh, there’s no clique. I know it sometimes feel like it, but please feel free to join in at anytime. Just because we’re comfortable with each other doesn’t mean that we’re not completely welcoming to anybody new!

    Zanthera, just a wee bit? Damn. I’ll have to work on that. It really should be full-blown. Honestly, though, I didn’t see what Britt said as meaning that, so can you clarify some more?

    Robin, sometimes I do have to wonder if it’s just part of being a lawyer. You argue every semantic and every point because that’s what you do!

  14. metalmom

    As far as the “lipstick on the shirt” scenario, I,myself, would pitch a fit and stab someone first. As he lay bleeding, I’d be screaming in his face “Explain yourself Motherfucker!!” Then I’d feel really bad about it as I was being led off to jail.

    That is not a joke answer either. I thought it was a good question and it is in my personality to react that way.

    You have never hurt my feelings or offended me, but DAMN! Go kiss Faiqua’s ass!

  15. Poppy

    I think we’re on the right track now.

    Just make sure to keep giving me the two-armed hugs so I know everything’s still cool with us.

    Friendships do evolve. I think ours took a few steps back for a very stupid reason and rather than being able to talk to you about it I sat in my back yard in Vermont and cried about it, and then I just accepted it and thought “ok, well, now I’m not his cool friend anymore.”

    I’m happy to know I’m back on the cool list.

    :hug:

  16. golfwidow

    I know you weren’t looking for ego-strokage, but you are, in fact, one of very few people in the world by whom I have never been let down, not once.

    Mind you, you do tend to set the bar kind of low, so my gross-out slash holy-crap-is-he-being-for-reals radar is always on.

  17. Hilly

    I’m not reading the other comments before we post AND I am taking into consideration the talks we’ve had while I am here…

    As someone who recently waited too long to say what she needed to say, letting the situation fester into an uncontrollable and dramatic mess, I completely agree that people should come to you (in the universal sense) if they have a problem with you and just get it out. However, a good friend will also notice when a friendship just feels different and will say, “Hey…are we okay? Is something going on?”. I know that borders on paranoid behavior but I think you know what I mean. Let’s say you did something to offend me and I started acting differently towards you. Would you wait for me to come to you with what bugs me or would you notice that I stopped talking to you and reach out?

    Also, if you want people to do this…to come to you and tell you what you did wrong? You absolutely HAVE to be ready to hear their reasons without immediately getting defensive. “Yeah but that’s stupid” is not a good retort, even if you think so. You can’t logically explain away how someone else feels and you have to stop defensive mode long enough to soul searching and wonder if their is even an ounce of truth to somenone’s words. Again, I’ve been on this side of things…where someone has misconstrued my words and found a million reasons why he can’t be wrong.

    I think you are a good person Adam and yanno, we all make these mistakes. I do think it is amazing of you to put yourself out here and be honest about it. So uh yeah…if you don’t get happy, Britt will put her cigarette out on Jared’s face!

  18. Grant

    I’m just commenting so I don’t lose my status as one of your top commenters.

    Also, I find it very offensive that your site never has pics or videos of Japanese lesbian schoolgirls making out.

  19. Lin

    I’m offended that long, long, long after I watched “Two Girls and a Cup” I still am traumatized by it. I saw it here on your blog. I blame you for this fact. Everytime this porn clip (is it classified as porn?) is mentioned, I think of you. Surprisingly, it’s mentioned just often enough to make me want to :puke: … If I weren’t in therapy before viewing that, I would definitely be in therapy now.

  20. bo

    A little honesty, eh?

    You’ve never offended me, and I happen to be the kind of guy who finds a dude fucking a snake really damn funny. (Actually, it was the part where he ate it out first that did it for me.)

    Still, my opinion:

    I think you’re a very brave dude, and that you have your life together in an admirable way.

    But you try too hard sometimes. At least in the online version of your life.

    (Also, in soccer they give YELLOW cards as warnings. Red cards mean you’re out of the game. But I understand you tend not to live your life vicariously through little men on the television kicking or throwing spherical leathery objects.)

  21. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    Yesterday’s post made me nauseous and queasy. It was like watching someone get hit by a train – even thought it makes you sick, you just can’t stop looking at it. I had to eat a peanut butter sandwich and drink a glass of milk afterward.

    But, the one time you kinda hurt my feelings, I asked you about it and you explained that you were joking and then I no longer wanted to stab you in your right eye. Ahhhhh – the power of confusion within the written word.

    And, ya know, now that I think about it, my shoes have never loved me the same ever since they experienced Avita-ball’s. And that kinda makes me sad – they told me that they wanna go live with you πŸ™

    A man should never come between a woman and her shoes.

    Other than that, I totally love you, Adam.

  22. Dawn

    Well, I hope that you work it out with this mystery hurt person. It’s obvious that you care a great deal.

    I have no major complaints… but that’s probably because we aren’t really friends (more like acquaintances, I once had a blog, with a fake name, you commented like… 3 times).

    I will say, though, while I’m here that if a person is hurt by something her friend did it is absolutely HER responsibility to voice this not HIS responsibility to *notice* that something is different and question her. If she is hurt, she should say so and why, if he then becomes defensive… well that’s his problem. We are all in control of our own feelings and behaviors. Nobody can *make* anyone else *feel* any way.

  23. Avitable

    Ed, nobody wants to see that.

    Metalmom, heh. Well, at least you know how you’d react!

    Poppy, two-armed hugs it is!

    Golfwidow, I actually have very high standards for my friends!

    Hilly, I’m not sure how to word this without sounding defensive, but I have never said, “Yeah but that’s stupid” in response to someone telling me that they’re hurt or feel hurt. I do agree with you that any good friend should notice that something’s wrong with another friend. You can reach a point, though, where you get sick of asking “What’s wrong?” when they never answer or say “Nothing”.

    Grant, they must block those posts at your ISP. I put up Japanese bunnies every other day!

    Lin, even I can’t watch that whole clip.

    Bo, do you mean try too hard with my humor? Or with something else?

    Turnbaby, I totally just did when I was at breakfast with her.

    Amanda, even though I took those pictures of you from outside your window?

    ADW, oh yeah – it’s frozen! I’ll rent a backhoe instead.

    Whall, it doesn’t surprise me that you’re not a fan of Chuck Palahniuk.

    Sheila, I do appreciate you telling me. Thank you. And your shoes do miss me. We had good times. I even forgive you your spelling mistake.

    Dawn, it is the hurt person’s responsibility to tell the other party, yes, but the offending party also has some responsibility to see that the relationship dynamic has changed. If I had a friend who I only spoke with once a month, that’s different. It would be hard to know. But if it’s someone that you communicate with on a more regular frequency, you should notice if something’s wrong.

    Maria, oh I got something to work out. And by that, I mean my penis and an orgasm.

    SB, you know, I didn’t think there was such a thing as a naturally lubricating butthole!

    Hockeyman, oh just wait until you meet me.

  24. Miss Britt

    Adam – in the scenario you gave someone is clearly “wrong” while someone else is clearly “right” about what happened.

    I don’t think the situations you’re encountering are so black and white. And that is kind of my point.

    For the record, people, THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!

    I don’t have the attention span or the filter to let anything fester. I’ll tell you I’m offended before you’ve even had a chance to finish offending me.

  25. Sybil Law

    I have to PAY?!!
    See – THAT offends me!
    (And by the way – I showed my friend the postcard you sent eons ago- the one with the sex change thingy from The Offices of Dr. Avitable – and he loved it. I think I am going to order some for him!)
    And, you are, most certainly, a lawyer. It makes me laugh. πŸ™‚ But I can see how it would be hard to come to you if someone knows you well, because they’d be like, “Ugh! He’s just gonna argue his side the whole time so what’s the point?”. Basically, if someone comes to you with something, the best thing to do is to 1) Shut up; 2) listen; and 3) apologize. Maybe then you can tell them where you were coming from and that you never meant to hurt them.
    You’re a good egg, Adam. Truly.
    I forgot – I never got my jizz.
    :lmao:

  26. Karen Sugarpants

    the one time i thought you were being creepy (really before i knew you and i thought the things you were writing on jess’ blog were inappropriate etc) i told you flat out what i thought. i’ve always been honest with you.
    you’re definitely one of the good guys in my book – but you know i was guarded at first.
    if there’s one thing i’m sure of about you, it’s that you’re not fake – you get what you see, even if what you see sometimes is naked and hairy. lol!

  27. Dawn

    But, even if the offending party notices that the dynamics have changed it is still, in my opinion, the hurt party’s responsibility to communicate the hurt feelings to the offending party. If I had a friendship with someone and noticed that things had changed I would ask about it, but that should never be *expected*. That seems childish to me. Like, hey he hurt me so I’m going to pout about it and then when he doesn’t notice (because he is a guy, hello!) I’m going to be even more hurt. That’s awfully unfair. Course, CLEARLY I have no CLUE about your specific situation. πŸ™‚

  28. Stephanie

    Really? Okay.

    The only time you have offended me PERSONALLY (not in the :2girls: or dolphin porn kind of way), is when you said that anyone who said the Bible was their favorite book was stupid. I took it very personally, and you reiterated (sp?) your position when both Becky & I commented on it, and so I felt personally that you were calling me stupid. Maybe I get my feelings hurt too easily, but it did sting. Other than that, you are like a wildly inappropriate younger brother that annoys the shit out of me on a regular basis, but who I would trust in any given situation.

    Does any of that make sense? :dunce:

  29. Nenette

    You offend me just because you may have a prettier, perkier rack than me.

    Seriously, the mere fact that you’re doing this makes me think you’re a kind, considerate person who would never do anything to purposely hurt another. You = Nice Guy

    But this is my first visit here, so what do I know? πŸ˜‰

  30. sam {temptingmama}

    The only thing that I STILL hate you for is posting beastiality videos and not giving enough warning that I should not watch.

    I am still scarred from seeing a man give a dolphin a BJ and someone dude fuck a snake.

    I feel the bile rising as I type that.

    You fuckin’ asshole. πŸ˜‰

    :puke: :puke: :puke:

  31. Clayton

    While I understand the humor of the hitler pic on your blog, which doesn’t bug me, I have had to hold back from showing your blog to people I wanted to share with, because inevitably faces grow pale and after about two times I felt is wasn’t worth having to explain it to people. My two social groups being work, a Historically Black College and my synagogue. So potentially people are missing out on your pearls of wisdom

  32. anon

    You mention repeatedly that you are “offended” by ugly people. Do you truly consider yourself superficially attractive enough to make statements like that? Just saying…

  33. bo

    I mean with you humor, yes, but also the internet-as-popularity-contest thing. (Perhaps the two are related.) You’re not as bad about it as others, but sometimes I just wish you’d chill out and realize that doggonit, people like you.

  34. Cambria

    Adam, if you really did hurt someone’s feelings (which I have not seen so far). C’mon someone kick some butt and get down right and dirty with the guy–he apparently wants it. But just to let you all know, its his PMS talking, not the gentle and nurturing side of our beloved Adam. O.K. gotta go and whip some butt on my beloved kids.

  35. Avitable

    Sybil, oh wait. Did I say pay? I mean you first!

    Karen, yeah, it was cute how protective you were of your hot young cousin.

    Dawn, well, not expected, maybe, but it would be something that a good friend would do.

    Stephanie, I can understand that, and I do know that my opinion about that was hurtful. My point was, and remains, that the Bible could absolutely be someone’s most inspirational book or most useful book or any other adjective, but to call it a “favorite” just seems like the person hasn’t actually read a real book. “Stupid” was a bit strong. I’m sorry.

    Nenette, well, once I don’t like someone, though, I’ll destroy them, so there is that.

    Sam, c’mon, you loved that dolphin bj. It was edutainment!

    Clayton, my opinion is that if they’re not able to see past the Hitler to see the absurdity and humor instantly upon seeing that picture, I probably don’t want them reading the blog.

    Anon, fuck yes, I do. When I talk about ugly people, I’m talking about those troll-like people who should live under bridges because the mere sight of their scrunched up bulbous faces will make children cry. I’m never going to be a movie star, but yeah, I know that I’m attractive enough.

    Brad, dude.

    Bo, I appreciate that. That’s good to hear.

    Cambria, I’m totally PMSy. Men get it too!

  36. floating princess

    I wish all friendships came with this kind of deal. Sometimes with certain people I don’t have that comfort zone where I can tell them they’re being an ass, and it makes me distance myself from them instead of working it out. What could have been a great friendship if it included honest and constructive feedback turns into an acquaintance with whom I find myself spending less and less time. It’s sad, but the honesty has to go both ways for it to work.

  37. Valerie

    I’ve always harbored a resentment for you for ruining an otherwise horrible night for me at Grad Night. Travis hung out with a quasi-interest from the UN Club at another school and abandoned me and then you try to cop a feel on the bus – tactless, inappropriate, and stupid. My respect level for you really lowered after that and the aggregation of those bitter feelings from the whole night is that I swore off going to Disney again- which is too bad for my kids. The other weekend was actually the first time I had been on the metro-Disney premises and returning there made me remember why I hate Disney in general- because of the hordes of people- but also made me remember your indiscretions. I was friends with you for many years and know that you’re caution signal doesn’t work like others’ so I’ve forgiven you, but it makes me all the more fearful for my girls and the boys from school.

  38. Selma

    It’s a shame that whoever has been hurt or offended by you can’t just say something. I hate it when things fester. I hope you can get a nice, honest conversation going and sort things out.

  39. Avitable

    Floating Princess, hence the referee idea!

    Stephanie, thank you for telling me.

    SciFi Dad, well, then I would be totally fucked because I’ve emotionally scarred everyone.

    Valerie, thank you for sharing. I don’t remember the night that you’re talking about, but I have no doubt it affected you considerably. I’m very sorry that a lack of respect of boundaries combined with the immaturity of being a teen male resulted in you having such long term repercussions.

    Selma, I have been able to, for the most part, so that’s nice.

  40. Hilly

    I don’t want to come across as a callous person here but Valerie, I think you can only blame something that happened in high school for your problems and issues for so long. Letting this one incident ruin Disney for you forever is sort of not Adam’s fault. There comes a time when it becomes your problem.

    I applaud you for being so sweet about it Adam but geez, really?

  41. Avitable

    Hilly, well, if it was something that happened and gave her a negative impression of Disney and she pretty much blocked it all of these years, I can understand that. I asked for people to tell me about things that I’ve done that I might not know, and that definitely fit the bill! πŸ˜€

  42. HoosierGirl

    I know I haven’t commented here in a long time, but that totally has to do with me and my Internet “issues” and nothing to do with you. I still stop by to read what’s up from time to time.

    As far as I know, you and I have absolutely no problems. I agree with the earlier comment – I don’t like the title of your show, but that’s because I just hate to hear people use the word “retarded”.

    I hope whatever it is works out well for you.
    J.

  43. Twinkie

    Your blog offends me every other day but I’m a glutton for punishment so I keep coming back and reading it just to see if I’ll be offended that day. The days when I’m NOT offended? I’m disappointed.

    Yeah, I’m a masochist.. or however you spell that? girl.

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