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Twitter apps we all need

A percentage of you are already on Twitter. For those of you that aren’t, Twitter is a microblogging tool that can be best described like you’re at a big party, and you walk up to a group of people, join in the conversation briefly, and then continue on. It’s a continuous mass stream of consciousness.

I felt pressure to keep up with people on Twitter a month or so ago and have since scaled down my usage with it. I don’t feel stressed about it, especially since I’ve found a few of the programs out there that allow you to group the people you follow, filter out keywords or hashtags, and have generally made it so that I enjoy Twitter again.

It’s not perfect, though. Here is my list of the top five Twitter apps or services that need to be developed:

1. Touretter – Touretter will insert random profanity and phrases into each tweet that you send. For example, “I’m off to the doctor’s for an appointment” might turn into “I’m off to the COCKSUCKER doctor’s for an ASSHOLE FROG SANDWICH appointment”.

2. Titter – This one would be the breast of the breast. It would scour Twitter every second for all pictures posted, whether via Flickr, TwitPic, or other site, and use advanced visuaglobocircular recognition software to instantly identify any pictures containing naked breasts. These pictures will be sent to an email address of your choosing.

3. Guilter – Guilter would be an automated Twitter account that you would follow. In response to every tweet you send, it would respond like a guilt-inducing mother to make you feel bad about yourself. For example, you might tweet, “Just had a great steak from Fleming’s” and @Guilter would reply, “Oh, you can’t visit me for a home-cooked meal, but you can go spend your money at a fancy restaurant?”

4. Slutter – Pick your gender preference and set Slutter loose. It will scour Twitter and create profiles on the Twitter users who are the most likely to be whores, based solely on the content of their tweets. It will also suggest tweets you can send that will be the most likely to convince that Twitter user to contact you and initiate in-person sluttage.

5. Acquitter – The Acquitter app will allow you to save a series of tweets and schedule each one to be sent at a specific time, including replies and direct messages. These tweets create a perfect alibi for you that will insulate you from any crimes you would like to go commit. While it’s not foolproof, it will definitely create reasonable doubt, which will ensure your freedom from the murder and mayhem you committed.

I’ll see you on the tweet side!

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27 Replies to “Twitter apps we all need”

  1. Sybil Law

    You forgot the very obvious Shitter app: the one that scans various postings about absolute SHIT and/ or shitty people wanting to follow you so that you’ll follow them!
    The Touretter is my favorite!!

  2. TSM_Oregon

    One of my favorite aps is “Twatter”. It’s a schedule reminder for women. Keeps track of all your gynecological appointments. You know, for those who have so many they can’t keep track.

    And my personal favorite, “Spousitter”. This will automatically send tweets to your significant other such as “It’s 3 am and You’ve had your ass parked in that chair for six hours. Get off the computer!” and “If you ever want to have sex again, close the porn tabs and take a shower before you come to bed.”

    I love me some aps!

  3. Tracy Lynn

    ASSHOLE FROG SANDWICH. I shall now commence to use this ALL THE TIME. This totally makes up for the couple talking about sex with the pony, but not the sex/snake dude. I have to draw the line somewhwere.

  4. Hilly

    I think I already automatically have my own version of Touretter on all of my tweets. Guilter? That’s one for other people who whine about not being followed back.

    /snarky bitch with pms

  5. golfwidow

    I might want Bitter. For anytime anyone is tweeting about some activity I’d be doing if I had the free time, the money, or was in the right area:

    “Tweeterperson is off to @Avitable’s Halloween party.”

    @Bitter would then say, “Sure, rub it in. I’ll just sit here and be envious till it’s time for me to go to work, shall I?”

  6. Avitable

    Amanda, mmmm indeed.

    Jess, fuck is a versatile word.

    Sybil, I thought of that one, too, but decided not to do it.

    TSM, those are genius.

    Maria, you do have a gift.

    Tracy, I’m happy that I can contribute to your lexicon.

    Nobody, you can filter twats with Tweetdeck or Tweetgrid.

    Hilly, you have your own special version of Touretter, I think.

    NYCWD, I’ll get right on that.

    Hello, your drunk tweets last night almost qualified for using it!

    Sheila, asshole frog sandwich to you too.

    Grant, good plan.

    Turnbaby, AFS?

    Golfwidow, ah – Bitter is another brilliant idea!

    Jessica, and if Twitter’s not fun, there’s no point in doing it!

  7. B.E. Earl

    I know so little about Twitter than when I started reading this post (skimming actually) I thought that these were actual apps. Until I got to Slutter, then I went back and re-read.

    I really do think the Tourreter is a great idea, though. Patent that shit.

  8. Clown

    Guilter would be pretty amusing.
    That picture on the right sidebar of you pinching a loaf cracks me up.

    The “trying hard” one, not the “oh my god this is painful” one.

  9. Maria

    Wait, wait – What App has filtered out keywords and hashtags?! I fucking HATE hashtags. I hate how everyone on Twitter is just a friggin’ follower whore and I hate these Twitter parties and shit. Hate it hate it.


  10. whall

    I’d follow @Maria if she’d follow me back…

    Twitterbait: to leave fake twitter messages in order to lure someone else to do something that you catch them doing.

    whall: well, I’m gonna go on a cruise for a week and leave my home all by itself with lots of goodies inside!
    [time passes]

    twitterbate: um, I’m not touching that one.

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