So, today (Wednesday), I’m going in for some minor outpatient surgery. In preparation, I had to go in on Tuesday to have an echocardiogram and a stress test done.
The nurse, Lorena, was about 5’2″, 22-23 years old, and extremely pretty. We went into the room, she closed the door and mentioned something about hanging my clothes on the hook on the back of the door. While she busied herself with the machine, I stripped down, hung up my clothes and stood there naked, awkwardly, waiting.
She turned around and gasped. “Umm, all I need is for you to take off your shirt, Mr. Avitable,” she said in horror. I quickly put my shorts back on and apologized for the misunderstanding. “It’s okay,” she lied, “now I need you to lay down on your left side on the table here.”
Have you ever tried to lay down on command? What you do is end up in an awkward pose that is not at all the natural pose you might use if you laid down to sleep or on the couch. “What should I do with my arms?” I asked.
“You can put your left arm up near your head,” she offered. That didn’t help. If anything it was even weirder. Finally, I just bent my elbow, rested my head on my hand, and decided that was the best that I could do. With one leg knee bent and my right arm resting on my inner thigh, I knew that this is what I looked like:
“I’m like a fatter, less hairy, not quite naked version of Burt Reynolds,” I joked as she spread warm ultrasound gel on my chest.
“Who’s Burt Reynolds?” she asked in all seriousness.
“Sigh. Nevermind. So, can you explain what you’re doing there?”
“Basically, this wand uses ultrasounds to capture a multi-dimensional picture of your heart so that we can make sure that everything’s okay before your surgery,”
“Well, if you get lost, just take a left at the Burger King sign until you get into my right aorta, and you’ll know you’re going the right direction when you pass the milkshake fountain.”
Silence.
“Boy, tough crowd!”
She just rolled her eyes quickly and continued doing her job. That’s when I realized that this little cute nurse probably gets hit on by every old man, young man, and the occasional woman who’s in there for an echocardiogram. She’s probably so jaded about this that she just tunes out everything that is said.
“You know, I’m just trying to joke around because I’ve never had this done before and I’m a little nervous.” I said.
She seemed to relax a little. “I understand.”
“Besides, the last time I had a beautiful woman rubbing warm oils on my chest, I fell asleep and woke up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidney missing!”
This time, she laughed.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
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You have a heart?
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Hope your surgery goes well.
Echo cardiograms are kinda weird with all the wooshing sounds.
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Are you having an endometrial ablation, too? Or just having your tubes tied?
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Wait, wait… I know. Insurance finally ok’d your Craniorectal inversion!
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Twitter: Amanda234
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I hope everything’s alright, man
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Twitter: tlkaply
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Good luck, dude.
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Best wishes for a quick recovery. My uncle, who is some sort of medical tech, recently had a run-of-the-mill knee surgery. The surgery itself was rather simple, but he was nervous going under at the hands of the guys he works with on a daily basis. When he woke up, it was no surprise to find they had written on his upper thigh, in Marks-A-Lot “castration cancelled – not enough to work with.”
Happy healing.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
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The last time I had a beautiful woman rubbing warm oils on my chest, I was asked if I wanted to spend an extra $50 for a happy ending. Being more of an “Empire Strikes Back” guy, I declined.
Best of luck with the surgery.
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“Who’s Burt Reynolds???” Wow…
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I really, really love you
You rock.
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Don’t you hate it when you make a pop culture reference and the young ones miss it entirely and it makes you feel old? Happening too often on my end… but never fear the youngin’s will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes my friend!
RMB
Good luck with the surgery.
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Hope everything comes out alright.
I really, really mean that, but I have to say that sentiment would be funny if you were getting a colonoscopy.
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I would have gone on a whole ‘Don’t you know Smokey and The Bandit?’ rant. Or you could have said, this is like a scene from Boogie Nights.
Good luck with the non-invasion.
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This post made my day – you are hysterical!
I have to have an echocardiogram once a year, so I know all about the awkwardness. After nearly a dozen, I still don’t know how to position myself so I don’t feel like I look like a jackass.
It’s easy to misunderstand a med tech’s instructions, especially because many of them assume that you know what they want you to do. Then they tell you absolutely nothing about what they’re doing to you.
I always make jokes when I’m nervous. I’m notorious for making a joke while going under anesthesia. I’ve noticed that women respond to my jokes better than men do. I wonder if it has anything to do with being afraid of sexual harrassment – would it be unprofessional for a male echo tech to laugh at a joke from a female patient (and vice versa)?
I hope your breast-reduction surgery goes well today! Seriously, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you have a speedy and as-painless-as-possible recovery.
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LOL you would’ve had me at the Burt Reynolds one.
Good luck on the surgery!!!
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Twitter: poppycede
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Good luck today, in retrospect.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
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Good luck today. I hope they don’t make any mistakes and take those fake transgendering forms I filled out for you seriously.
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giggle
At least she didn’t laugh when she turned around and you were naked.
Hope everything goes as planned with the surgery.
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What is so funny is as you were describing your pose, I totally thought of Burt Reynolds! :lmao:
Good luck – I’m sure it’ll go fine. :heartbeat:
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Good luck today, sir.
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Twitter: an_bhean
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“Who’s Burt Reynolds?” she asked in all seriousness.
And that is how I feel when I try to make cultural references with my college students. They don’t laugh at my jokes either. :deadhorse:
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i’m thinking about you today, my friend. Godspeed!
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Next time, ask the girl to an ultrasound of your testicles….Hubs loved that test!
Good luck with your procedure. (LMAO @ Kris “Craniorectal inversion”
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Now you know how women feel when they have their yearly exam with the GYN. Basically, its “spread your legs and say AHHHH”. Not a comfortable pose. Good luck with your surgery.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
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I don’t know what’s more disturbing…
The fact you had an ECG with hot oil… or the fact you got naked so easily.
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Best experience with your surgery. Is it a vasectomy?
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I would hardly call gener reassignment a “minor” surgery.. but then again, you’re a different kinda person.
Seriously though, who DOESN’T know who Burt Reynold is? I’m fairly sure even my five year old does.
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I’m over here rocking back in forth in a corner until you get out of surgery…
*twitch*
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Who’s Burt Reynolds???? She should be shot. :crazywife:
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Twitter: missbritt
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What?!?! You’re having surgery today?!?!?!
Why didn’t you tell me??
(also – how long is the recovery period? I think it just makes sense that I should take those days off work. You know, to be with you and stuff. My boss will understand.)
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Twitter: msmegan
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Good luck with the surgery. Remember that this is waiting for you when you’re done: :sexytime: . Amy does have a bikini, right?
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Did you boff her after that?
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Twitter: karensugarpants
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You’re finally getting some girth put on Long Dong Silver? Word.
Seriously, good luck today!
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Twitter: bubblewench
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Duh me! Now I get the mange tweet! Hope all went well… I do like Burt Reynolds.. thanks for the pic!
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Twitter: perpstu
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Good luck on your surgery! The Burt Reynolds image had me bursting out in gales of laughter in my office. My coworkers may think I have gone slightly crazier than I was before…
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Twitter: Jayman3768
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You just assume all chicks want you to get naked.
Good luck with your surgery.
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Burt Reynolds stopped me dead in my tracks. I had no idea I felt this was about him… still. Hope everything went well.
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Those are the tests my husband just had done – and I think we must have had the same nurse! My husband didn’t strip, but he did have belly button lint. Dude, always check the belly button lint!! We were both pretty nervous and the nurse just did not have any sense of humor at all. I made some comment when it was all done about getting to rip the electrodes off of him, and her face blanched like I’d made some kinky sexual comment.
Hope whatever you’re having done goes well & you recover quickly.
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good luck adam!
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Twitter: s_csr
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I’m so glad that you’ve decided to get that vasectomy. Ob behalf of the entire world, I’d like to thank you. Now, don’t freak out when you hear high winds later today, it’s just that as the new spreads, millions of people at a time will be breathing deep sighs of relief.
Seriously though, good luck today. Don’t die or anything like that. A lot of people will be pissed if they have to cancel their Halloween plans.
xoxo
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haha that was so funny. I don’t have a lot of pity though. I would have, if I hadn’t moved to the Netherlands, where bedside manner and common sense don’t exist in hospitals.
I have been left in freezing cold rooms, buck naked with my vajayjay splayed out for all to see and nothing was between me and the rest of the world but a door… that the two people that were there to do a one person job went in and out of at least 15 times.
Oh the stories I could (and probably should, instead of being such a lazy blogger) tell.
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oh bert reynolds! how could she not know?? i weep for that generation.
breigh- i gave birth in a german hospital so i get the no bedside manner or modesty!
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Good luck, Adam.
Nothing witty to say today.
Updates would be GREATLY appreciated.
:heartbeat:
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Hope surgery goes well however minor it is.
And dude I know who Burt Reynolds is and I’m not even 22! There’s just no excuse for that.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
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Crazy-ass sex-change motherfucker. I always knew you had vagina envy.
See you in the Nordstrom shoe department when you get better!
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So did I!
Hope all goes well.
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I personally like the Burt Reynolds joke. I hate it when younger people don’t get my jokes because I am aging.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
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kids these days! (please mail her smokey and the bandit, plus the photo you posted here.)
glad to hear that you survived.
:woohoo:
hope your recovery is quick and painless.
:rose:
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Hi Adam,
I hope all went well for you today!!!
POST AND LET US KNOW K??
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Hope everything went well today!
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I’m completely traumatized by the Burt Reynolds picture. Oh and I feel it necessary to put boobies in here because… well I can. :boobs3:
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first I started on your facebook page and then I stumbled over here because I knew I could get a good laugh–glad I did.
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Karl’s got boxer shorts dancing and you’ve got 70s Burt Reynolds. This *is* a good day!
Glad you’re back and recovering from your surgery.
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Hey man, I am an echo tech and the last thing I want is for another person to be cracking lame ass jokes when I am trying to focus on making sure their heart is okay.
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