So, today (Wednesday), I’m going in for some minor outpatient surgery. In preparation, I had to go in on Tuesday to have an echocardiogram and a stress test done.
The nurse, Lorena, was about 5’2″, 22-23 years old, and extremely pretty. We went into the room, she closed the door and mentioned something about hanging my clothes on the hook on the back of the door. While she busied herself with the machine, I stripped down, hung up my clothes and stood there naked, awkwardly, waiting.
She turned around and gasped. “Umm, all I need is for you to take off your shirt, Mr. Avitable,” she said in horror. I quickly put my shorts back on and apologized for the misunderstanding. “It’s okay,” she lied, “now I need you to lay down on your left side on the table here.”
Have you ever tried to lay down on command? What you do is end up in an awkward pose that is not at all the natural pose you might use if you laid down to sleep or on the couch. “What should I do with my arms?” I asked.
“You can put your left arm up near your head,” she offered. That didn’t help. If anything it was even weirder. Finally, I just bent my elbow, rested my head on my hand, and decided that was the best that I could do. With one leg knee bent and my right arm resting on my inner thigh, I knew that this is what I looked like:
“I’m like a fatter, less hairy, not quite naked version of Burt Reynolds,” I joked as she spread warm ultrasound gel on my chest.
“Who’s Burt Reynolds?” she asked in all seriousness.
“Sigh. Nevermind. So, can you explain what you’re doing there?”
“Basically, this wand uses ultrasounds to capture a multi-dimensional picture of your heart so that we can make sure that everything’s okay before your surgery,”
“Well, if you get lost, just take a left at the Burger King sign until you get into my right aorta, and you’ll know you’re going the right direction when you pass the milkshake fountain.”
“Boy, tough crowd!”
She just rolled her eyes quickly and continued doing her job. That’s when I realized that this little cute nurse probably gets hit on by every old man, young man, and the occasional woman who’s in there for an echocardiogram. She’s probably so jaded about this that she just tunes out everything that is said.
“You know, I’m just trying to joke around because I’ve never had this done before and I’m a little nervous.” I said.
She seemed to relax a little. “I understand.”
“Besides, the last time I had a beautiful woman rubbing warm oils on my chest, I fell asleep and woke up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidney missing!”
This time, she laughed.