Morality is subjective

Lovebugs: a lovestory


As I perambulate the pool every hour on orders from my surgeon and my mother, I’ve noticed that our backyard has become a haven for horny lovebugs.

They flock by the thousands to the grass and low-hanging plants on the perimeter of the pool, and scurry across the deck with very important business in mind. I got really low to the ground so I could overhear what they were saying:

LB#1 (Maurice): “Hey baby, where you goin’? You lookin’ mighty fine.”
LB#2 (Alex): “I’m a dude, dude. What the fuck?”
Maurice: “My bad, my bad. We all look the same with our red heads and black asses. Hope you get lucky tonight!”
Alex: “Yeah, no problem. I got a sexy piece over by the slide who said she’d wait for me.”
Maurice: “Run, Forrest, run! Heh heh.”

A new lovebug runs by. Maurice approaches cautiously: “Umm, hey, are you a chick?”
LB#3 (Jenny): “Hell yeah I’m a chick. What the fuck do you call all of this?”
Maurice: “Calm down, calm down, jeez! Don’t get your ugly-ass panties in a bunch!”
Jenny: “Hrmph. Go fuck yourself, loser.”

Maurice looks a bit desperate now. With sweat rolling down his brow, he spies a much heavier lovebug waddling by. He’s willing to go for it: “Hey baby, I bet you got a sweet pussy just waiting for some lovin’!”
As LB#4 gets closer, it splits into four separate lovebugs: “Are you fucking talking to us?”
Maurice: “Shit!”
LB#4, 5, 6, and 7 swarm on Maurice and beat him up. “Good luck dying alone, loser.”

Maurice lies in the gutter, one leg twitching. “All . . . I wanted . . . was . . . some love.” he gasps.
LB #8 (Rachel) approaches: “Um, hi.”
Maurice (weakly): “Hi.”
Rachel: “Are you going to be okay?”
Maurice: “I think so. I just don’t want to live this short lifespan without meeting the right person, you know?”
Rachel: “I know what you mean. Here, let me help you up.”
Maurice: “Thanks, sweet tits. Umm, I mean, ma’am. What’s your name?”
Rachel: “Rachel. You?”
Maurice: “I’m Maurice.”
Rachel: “It’s nice to meet you.”
Maurice: “I know this might be forward of me, but we don’t have too long. Would you like to permanently link our asses together so we can have lots of lovebug babies?”
Rachel: “That sounds very nice. I’m glad I met you, Maurice.”
Maurice: “Me too, Rachel. Me too. I can’t wait to see our first group of babies. They’re all being named after you. Rachel, Rachella, Rachelo, Rach, Rachie, Racharino, Racheleriffica,…”
Rachel giggles: “Oh, Maurice.”

And then I accidentally stepped on them when I stood up.

31 thoughts on “Lovebugs: a lovestory”

  1. Man. You’re so fucked. Killing those little guys is apparently akin to stepping on the wings of an angel. Or so I’ve heard. A nun told me that once when I accidentally flipped her the bird (soooooo accidentally) (yes, I know ‘the bird’ Goose). But I’m pretty sure murder and flipping the bird to a chick who has a DIRECTLINETOGOD means equally fucked.

  2. Those things are called love bugs?!!! I’ve squashed many of those things – they’re disgusting!
    Also, Maurice was a tool, and Rachel obviously had some issues, so I think you did them a favor.
    Glad you can perambulate the pool. :lmao:

  3. I don’t believe you. I think you picked them up and moved them to a safe place, where their love could flourish.

    I hate fuckbugs. Mostly I hated cleaning them off the front grill of the car. Gag.
    We don’t have those in Seattle – that’s one of the best things about living here. Very few bugs. No roaches, no june bugs, no fuckbugs. Just the occassional spider large enough to pretend it’s a cat with 8 legs.

  4. BPR, it was an accident, I swear. *sob*

    Chrissi, yeah, and they’re acidic, so if you don’t wash your car, they’ll eat right through the paint.

    Faiqa, don’t be cranky just because you had to look it up.

    Amanda, you can tell?

    Rachel, that was supposed to be a serious love story.

    BE Earl, me too. Except when I think they’re real.

    Jess, are you on codeine too?

    Tracy, never!

    SPD, that’s a classic? Hm.

    Lin, yup – they’re all over the place.

    LeSombre, it’s my new vag!

    AHAU, make me step on lovebugs?

    Sybil, why is perambulate so funny?

    Bossy, yup huh.

    Hello, he may have been suffering from an identity crisis.

    LMSS, nah – I only took pain meds for the first day.

    Fiwa, spiders are awesome.

    Ann, but they mate for life!

    Poppy, I should have named him Gregor.

    Vulgar Wizard, I think that white does attract them.

    HG, I’m such a romantic, right?

    Greg, from masturbating?

    Shelli, crunny?

    Stacey, yes, but you have snow. Much worse.

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