They flock by the thousands to the grass and low-hanging plants on the perimeter of the pool, and scurry across the deck with very important business in mind. I got really low to the ground so I could overhear what they were saying:
LB#1 (Maurice): “Hey baby, where you goin’? You lookin’ mighty fine.”
LB#2 (Alex): “I’m a dude, dude. What the fuck?”
Maurice: “My bad, my bad. We all look the same with our red heads and black asses. Hope you get lucky tonight!”
Alex: “Yeah, no problem. I got a sexy piece over by the slide who said she’d wait for me.”
Maurice: “Run, Forrest, run! Heh heh.”
A new lovebug runs by. Maurice approaches cautiously: “Umm, hey, are you a chick?”
LB#3 (Jenny): “Hell yeah I’m a chick. What the fuck do you call all of this?”
Maurice: “Calm down, calm down, jeez! Don’t get your ugly-ass panties in a bunch!”
Jenny: “Hrmph. Go fuck yourself, loser.”
Maurice looks a bit desperate now. With sweat rolling down his brow, he spies a much heavier lovebug waddling by. He’s willing to go for it: “Hey baby, I bet you got a sweet pussy just waiting for some lovin’!”
As LB#4 gets closer, it splits into four separate lovebugs: “Are you fucking talking to us?”
Maurice: “Shit!”
LB#4, 5, 6, and 7 swarm on Maurice and beat him up. “Good luck dying alone, loser.”
Maurice lies in the gutter, one leg twitching. “All . . . I wanted . . . was . . . some love.” he gasps.
LB #8 (Rachel) approaches: “Um, hi.”
Maurice (weakly): “Hi.”
Rachel: “Are you going to be okay?”
Maurice: “I think so. I just don’t want to live this short lifespan without meeting the right person, you know?”
Rachel: “I know what you mean. Here, let me help you up.”
Maurice: “Thanks, sweet tits. Umm, I mean, ma’am. What’s your name?”
Rachel: “Rachel. You?”
Maurice: “I’m Maurice.”
Rachel: “It’s nice to meet you.”
Maurice: “I know this might be forward of me, but we don’t have too long. Would you like to permanently link our asses together so we can have lots of lovebug babies?”
Rachel: “That sounds very nice. I’m glad I met you, Maurice.”
Maurice: “Me too, Rachel. Me too. I can’t wait to see our first group of babies. They’re all being named after you. Rachel, Rachella, Rachelo, Rach, Rachie, Racharino, Racheleriffica,…”
Rachel giggles: “Oh, Maurice.”
And then I accidentally stepped on them when I stood up.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Two Denny’s waitresses and I walk into a strip club …
Movies I’d skip based on the title alone
Secret Tweet Schadenfreude
god dammit! Won’t SOMEBODY think of the children!
I can’t believe you killed them!
MURDERER
(hope you are feeling better!)
Reply
Twitter: chrissi_johnson
says:
Oooh – those darn lovebugs.
I drove from Tampa to Miami – and by the time I reached Naples area, my poor car was a mess. Just mess. Lovebug guts EVERYWHERE.
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
“Perambulate”? Seriously? It will never be cool to be *that* geeky. Loser.
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
So that Tylenol with codeine has really hit you, huh?
Reply
Thanks for the laugh! :lmao:
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Sigh…I love fake conversations. :heartbeat:
Reply
Man. You’re so fucked. Killing those little guys is apparently akin to stepping on the wings of an angel. Or so I’ve heard. A nun told me that once when I accidentally flipped her the bird (soooooo accidentally) (yes, I know ‘the bird’ Goose). But I’m pretty sure murder and flipping the bird to a chick who has a DIRECTLINETOGOD means equally fucked.
Reply
Twitter: tlkaply
says:
You just can’t let anyone be happy, can you?
Reply
Can’t believe Mo didn’t use the classic;
“Can you drive love?”
“Then back onto this.”
Reply
As I read this, all I could think was, “is it already lovebug season?!” I hate those damn things!!!!
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Wow.
All that touchy-feely talk about love makes me believe you really got a vagina.
Or maybe you’re rockin’ the Vicodin.
I hope it’s not the Vicodin.
:lmao:
Reply
Love will do that to you.
Reply
Those things are called love bugs?!!! I’ve squashed many of those things – they’re disgusting!
Also, Maurice was a tool, and Rachel obviously had some issues, so I think you did them a favor.
Glad you can perambulate the pool. :lmao:
Reply
No. You. Dih’int!
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
if this really happened i am concerned that the bugs don’t think of themselves as insects: Maurice: “I think so. I just don’t want to live this short lifespan without meeting the right person, you know?”
Reply
Oh no, it’s Fuckbug season already?
Isn’t anyone afraid that you’ll have a Vicodin-induced blackout and keel over into the pool?
Reply
I don’t believe you. I think you picked them up and moved them to a safe place, where their love could flourish.
I hate fuckbugs. Mostly I hated cleaning them off the front grill of the car. Gag.
We don’t have those in Seattle – that’s one of the best things about living here. Very few bugs. No roaches, no june bugs, no fuckbugs. Just the occassional spider large enough to pretend it’s a cat with 8 legs.
Reply
OMG I spent two years in Louisiana with those fucken fuckbugs. I don’t miss them at all.
Reply
Twitter: poppycede
says:
Kafka-esque.
Reply
I HATE this damned things. And they seem to be especially attracted to the color white. At least here they are.
Reply
I love a good love story. Glad you’re feeling better.
J.
Reply
I always need a towel when I read this blog.
Reply
Twitter: shellimil
says:
That’s creepy. And funny.
Reply
For once I’m glad I live in New England. We don’t have those here.
Reply
BPR, it was an accident, I swear. *sob*
Chrissi, yeah, and they’re acidic, so if you don’t wash your car, they’ll eat right through the paint.
Faiqa, don’t be cranky just because you had to look it up.
Amanda, you can tell?
Rachel, that was supposed to be a serious love story.
BE Earl, me too. Except when I think they’re real.
Jess, are you on codeine too?
Tracy, never!
SPD, that’s a classic? Hm.
Lin, yup – they’re all over the place.
LeSombre, it’s my new vag!
AHAU, make me step on lovebugs?
Sybil, why is perambulate so funny?
Bossy, yup huh.
Hello, he may have been suffering from an identity crisis.
LMSS, nah – I only took pain meds for the first day.
Fiwa, spiders are awesome.
Ann, but they mate for life!
Poppy, I should have named him Gregor.
Vulgar Wizard, I think that white does attract them.
HG, I’m such a romantic, right?
Greg, from masturbating?
Shelli, crunny?
Stacey, yes, but you have snow. Much worse.
Reply
I call it “making love,” but yes.
Reply
You have one creative mind!
Reply
Greg, you can call it whatever you want.
Summer, I actually have two. One’s in my pants.
Reply
Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Make love not babies.
Reply
Whall, make love not lovebugs.
Reply
Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
I want some of whatever you’re on.
Reply