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Oh, the friends I have . . .

This past weekend, I was talking to my friend (who I’ll call Enrico) on the phone. He was telling me that he’d recently gained some weight and I recommended a liquid high-protein, low carb diet that can be highly effective in losing as much as a pound a day very quickly.

On Tuesday, I had the following text message conversation:

Enrico: “How come you didn’t warn me not to fart on this fucking diet. Seriously. I’m at work. You could have told me. This is fucked up. Is there anything that can be done?”

Me: “Did you just shart? Dude.”

Enrico: “Going commando now. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is not being free to fart whenever I want. It’s like communism. No freedom. I’m trapped.”

Me: “Wow. That never happened to me.”

Enrico: “You didn’t have liquid poo in the first few days of the liquid diet? What the fuck kind of liquid are you drinking? This sucks. I’m sweaty because I’m freaked out I may shit pants!”

Me: “Nothing ridiculous like you had, apparently.”

Enrico: “It’s just diarrhea but it is unexpected and I’m at work. I like to fart a lot, and this is ridiculous.”

And later the next day . . .

Enrico: “WELL THANK GOD the convenience store has beef jerky! I thought I was going to die!!!”

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31 Replies to “Oh, the friends I have . . .”

  1. Cambria

    After my husband’s morning coffee at work he had to let one rip. He went into a co-worker’s office and let lose on his friend. It was a terrible stench since my husband had tuna and a bean burrito for breakfast. As he was heading toward the can to take a dump, he noticed that their employer was walking into his friend’s office. She shut the door but immediately opened it and walked back out. He learned from the best–my kids lock their bedroom doors.

  2. Poppy

    Georgie just licked my hand. And now my arm. No idea why.

    I would leave you a comment, but I don’t quite know what to say to this.

    Oh! But, while Dawg was in the bathroom last weekend I had a great conversation with his parents about poop!

  3. Avitable

    Undomestic Diva, just wait until we eventually meet in person.

    Karen, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, it’s not Britt (or Clown). It’s a friend of mine from school. If it was one of those two, I wouldn’t hide their identity.

    Faiqa, nobody you know. Promise.

    Whall, more like “ick quid”.

    LeSombre, you’d think he would have thought about that!

    Hello, oh, he was only commando because he had already shit his underwear.

    SPD, it’s a great word.

    SciFi Dad, that’s horrible.

    Sybil, just an old friend – nobody knows him.

    LMSS, I know, right?

    NYCWD, doesn’t matter – going on that liquid diet will do that if you’re not careful.

    BE Earl, yeah, that’s how I felt.

    Hallie, Enrico just seemed to be a good pseudonym.

    Finn, I had to. Wouldn’t you have?

    Britt, yeah, it was funnier when I read it.

    Sheila, you don’t like beef jerky? What’s wrong with you?

    Hilly, yet. šŸ˜€

    Mik, well, it wasn’t on purpose. He had to go into the bathroom and take off his underwear and throw them away after sharting.

    Floating Princess, yeah, that killed me, too.

    Jessica, glad to know that you laughed!

    Crail, I heard it was a not-so-great movie, but I’ll still see it sometime.

    Popping Bubbles, yeah. This is why I don’t fart.

    Cambria, ew!

    Robin, I wonder if anyone likes when that happens? Probably.

    DB, well, I’m personally not a fan.

    Poppy, you did? Horrible!

    CMG, you’ve never heard that before?

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