So I bought a lottery ticket on Saturday. I don’t know why. I was at the grocery store with Amy and we were picking up a few things, and I just randomly decided to do it.
I know plenty of people who play it religiously. They pick numbers that have meaning to them, which just seems stupid to me. I think the better solution is just to have the machine randomly pick the numbers for you, and then, if you’re that one in a million chance winner, assign importance to the numbers at that point.
Many people might tell you what they’d do if they won $71 million. I, however, will tell you what each of my computer-assigned random numbers mean to me on a personal level:
04 – The number of times I’ve coughed while masturbating and accidentally ejaculated straight up in the air.
05 – The earliest age I was when I remember finding out that my penis gets hard.
22 – The date in April that is Amy’s birthday.
31 – The earliest age I was when I found out that my penis doesn’t always get hard.
43 – The number of bare breasts I’ve seen live. 19 women and 5 nursing mothers.
44 – The absolute oldest age that a woman could be before I stop finding her attractive. (e.g., Diane Lane)
Everybody cross your fingers for me! If I win the lottery, if asked how I came up with the numbers, I promise to give these exact answers with a straight face.