The Lottery
So I bought a lottery ticket on Saturday. I don't know why. I was at the grocery store with Amy and we were picking up a few things, and I just randomly decided to do it.
I know plenty of people who play it religiously. They pick numbers that have meaning to them, which just seems stupid to me. I think the better solution is just to have the machine randomly pick the numbers for you, and then, if you're that one in a million chance winner, assign importance to the numbers at that point.
Many people might tell you what they'd do if they won $71 million. I, however, will tell you what each of my computer-assigned random numbers mean to me on a personal level:
04 – The number of times I've coughed while masturbating and accidentally ejaculated straight up in the air.
05 – The earliest age I was when I remember finding out that my penis gets hard.
22 – The date in April that is Amy's birthday.
31 – The earliest age I was when I found out that my penis doesn't always get hard.
43 – The number of bare breasts I've seen live. 19 women and 5 nursing mothers.
44 – The absolute oldest age that a woman could be before I stop finding her attractive. (e.g., Diane Lane)
Everybody cross your fingers for me! If I win the lottery, if asked how I came up with the numbers, I promise to give these exact answers with a straight face.
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Do you mean that's the oldest you would find a woman attractive at this point in your life?
Or are you dumping Amy in ten years?
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I call lotto the "voluntary tax" I rarely buy a ticket.
Best of luck!
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I'll be waiting to see that headline.
"Man explains winning lotto ticket with accidental ejaculation stories"
That will be a must read article.
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SO……..you don't find me attractive. Nice to know. :deadhorse: :sex014:
GRANDMAS ARE ATTRACTIVE TOO. :woohoo: :sexytime:
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I challenge you to say it with a gay face.
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haha I'm crossing my fingers for you!
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good luck. I really really really want to hear you say #04. That is fucking hilarious.
xo
b.
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Helen Mirren still looks oohfah in a bikini at 63. Just sayin. :jerkoff2:
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the 04-thing makes me wonder "where did the sperm go?" Did it hit the ceiling and stick on there? Did it fall back and hit Avi in the eye? (it burns, I know from pers… ehm, strike that), did it…?
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I thought 3 would be good. As in the number of pictures of your genitalia that you've put on the internet.
Not coincidentally, the number of times that I've spontaneously vomited while perusing the internet is also three.
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i can see weight loss in that photo. the weight finds me. stop losing it or tell it to go somewhere that isn't my ass.
now back to you. 44?!???!!! really?
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You do realize that they know when the machine picks it, and when you pick it. Therefore they are unlikely to ask the question.
Unless of course you toss them a cool million.
Then you can probably have them ask you anything you want.
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Oh good. I've still got 16 months left then.
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Should I be disturbed that you keep track of how many nursing mothers you've seen? :boobs3:
note to self: always have the nursing shawl handy while in the Orlando area.
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Amanda, for now, I'll have to say that's my age limit. As I get older, I'm sure it will change.
LeSombre, I might buy a ticket once every couple of years, just for the hell of it.
Ashleigh, it would be outstanding if that happened.
Tug, I'm sure grandmas are attractive to grandpas!
Whall, oh, don't be ssssillly!
Breigh, heh – thanks.
Just Beth, it wasn't hilarious at the time!
BE Earl, no. No she doesn't.
DB, many different things happenes as a result.
Todd, I think it's more than three, isn't it?
Hello, it must just be a flattering picture. And yes, 44. That's stretching it.
NYCWD, gotta ruin my fun, eh?
Daisy, we'll have a countdown.
Kimi, hey, boobs are boobs!
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Hahaha! This is what it looks like:
cock smut boobs
cock pussy asslicking
Amy
cock anal beads
cock porno sex
pussy bag pussy lips
Poor poor Amy!
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So what you're saying is that I can expect the sexual harassment to stop in a couple of years?
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If you win, did you know somehow I'm a distant cousin and you should share the winnings. Although if you don't win, the restraining order will still apply. Isn't that the American way?
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It's official – if you don't share your winnings with me, I'll be forced to send you naked pictures of me in excruciating detail when I turn 44 – and every year thereafter.
:lmao: :crazywife:
Seriously – good luck!!! :jerkoff2:
(Oh and my aunt's birthday is the 22nd – and one of my best friend's and my husband's is the 23rd. Not sure why you needed that info. Don't mind me, just tired, still, and I had wacky dreams. YOU were in my dream last night!)
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31 is a definite cause for concern, and 44 is a moving target.
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Some day Amy will be that age but when you love someone you don't really seem to notice that they're getting older. In your mind they're always young. At least that's how I feel. I look at my husband and still see him as when I met him but with silver in his hair and a belly
:hug:
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What happens to Diane Lane next year? She is tossed on the garbage heap?
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I love that underneath all your cynicism and practical bullshit, you still have what it takes to say "fuck it" and buy a lottery ticket.
And I mean that.
:heartbeat:
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Is Amy going to lose your eye when she's 44?!
I'm on my phone so if someone already pointed out this obvious flaw in your interesting thought process regarding the attractiveness of a mature woman.
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… (completing thought) then kudos to that person.
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Hilly, what do you mean?
Finn, I don't know. You might be an exception. Plus, you don't want it to stop.
Hockeyman, yup. Totally.
Sybil, you should start sending photos now.
John, 31's when the stress can be too much.
Summer, she's got 12 years!
Maman, probably. She's getting up there.
Britt, damn you for being an optimist!
Poppy, well, I'm sure things will change as I get older, too.
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Adam, I'm baaa-aaaaack! You may now resume your life.
I have never purchased a lottery ticket. My MIL does it all the time though. And then she never checks to see if she won.
She also gives them as gifts, which irritates me because I don't know how to check lottery tickets and I'm sure it is much too difficult to figure out how.
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I am saying prayers and sacrificing kittens in hopes that you win and therefore I will get to hear you say #4 out loud. Or I could just wait til Blogher…whatevah
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Jason, you just go to the lottery website!
Anissa, after today's post, I'm almost afraid to go to BlogHer. I'll probably get squirted.
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I will Tivo that interview and watch it over and over again! I want to see the interviewer's face when you say #04!
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I thought this would be a post about Shirley Jackson and getting stoned. Oh well. Good luck!
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It's been a while since a post actually made me snort.
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