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A cat named Twitter

About two months ago, I was suffering from some serious Twitter fatigue. Since then, I’ve learned more efficient ways to use programs like TweetDeck and use filters, groups and other techniques to alleviate the pressure I felt. It’s worked great, and I’ve been able to participate in Twitter more actively without feeling pressure to do so.

In the last 60 days, though, I’ve noticed a trend with some Twitter users, who like to waste the time of each and every one of us by sending crap like this:

“Good morning, Twitter!”
“Just had my coffee, Twitter. Anyone want some?”
“Going to take a shower, Twitter.”
“Dear Twitter, I don’t want to go to work today.”
“Oh Twitter, what should I wear?”
“Just got dressed. I’m putting on my shoes now. Then I have to go to work.”
“At work and I’m already ready to go home. Sigh.”
“I’m tired. Is it nap time yet?”
“Time to go to lunch. Twitter, do you want me to get you some?”
“Sitting down at my computer. Time to play solitaire!”
“I’m leaving work and getting on the train now. I’ll be home soon, Twitter!”
“Mmmm, mmmm. Dinner was good.”
“My cell phone battery is dead. Guess I’ll have to charge it!”
“I’m tired. Good night, Twitter.”

If your tweets resemble that list, turn off your computer. Then go to the pound, trade the computer for a cat, name her Twitter, and then tell her all about your mundane day-to-day activities. Now you’ll be able to share all of your daily shit with Twitter and the rest of us don’t have to see it! Here’s a good rule of thumb. If it’s something that you would mumble to yourself or something that a lonely old lady would say to her cat, it’s something that you should refrain from tweeting.

Twitter is like a giant eternal party where you can step in and out of conversations with different people. Your goal for using Twitter (unless you’re a so-called social media expert) should be to be one of the interesting partygoers, not the guy who’s standing in the corner talking to a houseplant about his latest dice roll while playing Dungeons & Dragons. That guy? People will come up to him, talk to him for a second, and then leave as quickly as they can flee. The interesting person will find that more and more people engage him or her in conversation because they know they won’t have to hear about nap time or putting on socks or feeding the dog.

I encourage the rest of you to take the following action. Next time you read a mundane tweet, reply to that person and just say, “@mundaneperson, nobody cares. Tell your cat.” And then unfollow them. Only then can Twitter start to shine like the resource it should be. (Well, after we get rid of the new blog post tweets, the blip.fm tweets, the location tweets, the sponsored tweets, the re-tweets, and the twitter parties.)

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58 Replies to “A cat named Twitter”

  1. Amanda

    Thankfully, you didn’t dis how awesome it is to live tweet things like American Idol. Because it is really awesome to do so. People really care about your awesome opinion about every singer. It’s not annoying at all.

  2. Cap

    @Danalyn LOL

    I refuse to tweet because of all the twits out there. (That, plus I have no friends because I’m the girl in the corner talking to her cat.)
    I’m with Earl, tell us why it’s interesting.

  3. Avitable

    Dave2, RT @Blogography I have a new blog post and I’m listening to http://blip.fm and you should follow @snackiepoo #followfriday.

    Amanda, yeah, liveblogging television is also another easy way for me to unfollow someone.

    Hilly, someone’s said that? I must have missed that one!

    Faiqa, no, this is what I’m like when I’m feeling good with the world!

    BE Earl, that’s the hardest thing about Twitter to explain. Right now, for me, the coolest aspect of it by far is the celebrity use. Reading Jon Favreau while he sends twitters and takes pictures as he’s in the first couple days of shooting Iron Man 2 is fascinating to me.

    RebTurtle, too bad, I’ve got a million of them!

    Danalyn, can I just name your pussy Twitter and talk into that instead?

    SPD, no, Facebook is the monster under the bed.

    Cap, see my reply above. It’s also something that once you get into, you can start to see the interestirng aspects of it.

  4. Sybil Law

    :lmao: :clap:
    Seriously. If I unfollowed everyone who twittered like that, I’d lose some of my favorite people! But I go nuts when I read, “Good morning, Tweeters!”, or shit like that – it makes me INSANE. It’s the main reason I can’t stand Twitter. One of my best friends uses Twitter to tell us she’s can’t decide what to eat every day, or how she’s feeling, and – well – basically everything.
    I love her, but her life is simply not that fascinating.

  5. Miss Britt

    Unfollow.

    Fuck.

    I seriously hope nobody reads this and thinks “Oh no! Avitable thinks I’m boring! Someone thinks I’m annoying!”

    So what?

    If you don’t like my blog posts – don’t read them. You don’t like my twitter posts? Unfollow me.

  6. Avitable

    Blondefabulous, just save the mundane stuff for the dogs and cat and tell us about the interesting stuff!

    Sybil, I think I might start unfollowing people like that.

    NYCWD, your suggestion has been followed. I doubt they’ll post it.

    Always Home, that’s if you have a pussy named Twitter, not a cat.

    Bossy, it should be on a shirt or bumper stickers everywhere.

    Britt, I’m sure that there are people who, if I unfollow them for annoying me on Twitter, will think that it means I don’t like them or like their blogs, because they can’t separate the two. So I’d rather write something like this to give them a chance to change before I unfollow them!

    Britt, thank you, I am awesome.

    Grant, but if she’s a lesbian, she won’t like you!

    Sheila, bastardly is a great word.

    Finn, it’s funny you say that. I read your tweet this morning (“Good morning boys and girls. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.”) and thought, she’s going to think I’m talking about her. But you took something that is mundane and made it more interesting.

  7. Robin

    I agree with all of this, but don’t get all cocky thinking I think you know what’s best. Cause I don’t. I would like to get rid of blip, generic daily information tweets and location shit, argh. The blog post thing, I’m not sure i know anyone who doesn’t do that.

  8. Jay

    I’m eating a chicken sandwich for lunch, reading @avitable ‘s blog. (Gotta put the space between the “e” and the “‘s” otherwise people couldn’t click your name and go to your Twitter page.)

    Ever notice that the people you really want to stalk never do the location complete with google map thing? So very annoying.

  9. lydia

    Coming out of lurker status to say that I just can’t stop visiting your website. That and I think I love you. Just a little bit. Why does it feel like I’ve committed a sin by admitting that? :angel:

  10. Stacey

    This is why I don’t use Twitter. All my tweets would be boring crap like:

    “Having a hard time typing s because Dante’s a shithead and broke my keyboard”

    “Nothing in the fridge except condiments and drink mixers. You can tell a man bought the groceries.”

    “Boss offered to punch me in the face. Long story.”

  11. Avitable

    Atomic Bombshell, no, this isn’t one of those fun guys who plays D&D like LeSombre, but the loser who can’t talk about anything else!

    Robin, the blog post notification works well, actually, I agree.

    Angie, oh yeah – the textspeak! I hate that shit!

    Blondefabulous, and I was just joking!

    Karen, yeah. Pretty funny.

    Hello, never!

    Jay, I agree. Damn @avrillavigne.

    Lydia, loving me is not a sin, unless you forget to email me pictures of your breasts.

    Heather, I tried the once-a-day thing. I should try that again.

    Amanda, the location stuff drives me crazy. Who cares?

    Poppy, I don’t have a slit!

    Stacey, you should totally use Twitter!

    LeSombre, only if I can play as a naked dwarf. And do it as a LARP.

    Nobody, unfollowing does work well.

    Jason, I unsubscribe from those blogs quickly.

    Sarah, ooh, bitch!

    Bubblewench, just call one of your cats Twitter.

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