Since almost all of my readers are deeply religious Christians who attend church weekly and sing the Lord’s praises to the heavens, I thought I’d take the time today to provide you with some thought provoking verses from the Holy Bible that are related to Easter, also known as Resurrection Day to those in my faith.
John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. But he who doesn’t believe in me but instead believes in those Mohammad and Allah chuckleheads, well, he’s fucked.”
Romans 1:4-5
And Jesus Christ our Lord was shown to be the Son of God when God powerfully raised him from the dead by means of the Holy Spirit. And though the raising from the dead was reparations in God’s eyes for being a deadbeat dad, the court saw it and they said that it was Good. Now, through Christ, God has given us the privilege and authority to tell Gentiles everywhere what God has done for them, so that they will believe and obey him, bringing glory to his name.
Romans 6:8-11
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. Unless his head is removed by a sword, and you bear witness to the Quickening, lo, there can be only one.
Philippians 3:10-12
I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. And I want to break bread with him and I read his words and I am his number one fan. If I could meet the Lord Jesus Christ, I know in my heart of hearts that he and I would be best friends forever, and we would hang out with each other all of the time.
1 Peter 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. In His great rush to do so, though, He forgot a few things and now our Lord Jesus Christ keeps asking for brains.
Matthew 27:50-53
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus’ resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. And these people spread the word of the Holy Ghost. And then the Ghostbusters arrived and Dr. Venkman spilled his seed with Mary Magdalene.
Matthew 28:1-10
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, who is not a Rhoda no matter what the girls at school said, went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow and he looked like Legolas from that hobbit movie. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and shit their pants.Orlando Bloom said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.” Then he flipped his hair and the women swooned.
So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, “Um, I’m not really into that foot fetish shit. I could totally use a blowjob, though.”
Happy Easter, everyone!
Enjoy this post? Try these:What Would Jesus Do?
It’s all relative
Musicals you know you wouldn’t want to see from the title
Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
I haven’t attended church since my fucked up ex husband thought he could call down angels from heaven to smite people he didn’t like. He also tried to shoot my kids and me in the name of the Lord God Jesus Christ.
Fuck religion…. bring on the rabbit with the fucking chocolate!
:finger:
Reply
Not to be a persnickity here but I find the phrase “fuck religion” to be utterly offensive. I may not act holier than thou, but I believe in Jesus and Easter. It’s fine for people not to believe but to disseminate someone else’s beliefs with such vile is disappointing at best.
Reply
Twitter: blondefabulous
, April 12th, 2009: 12:16 AM
I lived something no one else should have ever had to be put through. I’m sorry. I should just keep my mouth shut. Sometimes it escapes me. Sorry.
Reply
I laughed out loud at the last one, despite the conspicuous absence of Johnny Depp.
And for some reason now I’m trying to picture you in a bunny suit.
Reply
Twitter: ashleighlynne
says:
the last one is my favorite.
Orlando Bloom and Jesus, nicely done.
Reply
Happy Easter, Adam! I hope the Easter Bunny brings you lots of rubbers!
Reply
Oh Adam…this is so wrong in so many ways. (shaking head) And it is SO you!
I hope you get some chocolate.
J.
Reply
:lmao: :clap: So that’s what my daughter is learning at Catholic school?! No wonder Catholic girls have that reputation!!! (Or was that Billy Joel?!)
Anyway, Happy Easter!!! (You totally need a bunny smilie!)
:heartbeat: :rose:
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I’m pretty sure this means you’re going to hell, no?
I can’t wait to eat ham.
Reply
I agree with Hilly that the phrase “fuck religion” is offensive. It is a terrible thing to say about fucking.
Reply
Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
OK, OK, OK…… I am sorry for my earlier sentiment. Like I explained, bad memories from a previous fucktard I was married to. I will no longer insult fucking or religion anymore. I promise! :angel:
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
You really are evil… you’re lucky you *aren’t* a Mohammedan chucklehead, otherwise FATWA ON YOU, infidel!! In other news, as of this post, I’m pretty sure its official that despite you being the Christian one, Jesus loves ME more.
Happy Easter.
Reply
My technical, menu and spiritual advisor, Mary Hill used to say “The whole point of the crucifixion is that the crucifixion did not matter.” Meditate on that little nugget for a while.
Reply
:lmao:
I’m all for eating spaghetti tonight. Pastafarian!
Reply
I shouldn’t laugh, really I shouldn’t, but such irreverence is irresistible. Orlando Bloom was a very nice touch. Have a brilliant Easter!
Reply
Not one mention of Peter Cottontail, dyed eggs, or hot Asian babes. Are you using some kind of Scientology bible or something?
Reply
I never knew the Bible was so entertaining, I must reader the fucker now.
Reply
Blondefabulous, there are just as many atheist nutbags as there are religious nutbags – sometimes it doesn’t matter what the impetus is for someone to go crazy. Hopefully my carefully edited verses can offer you some solace!
Janna, I only wear a bunny suit when I’m at the bunny farm.
Ashleigh, what, you don’t think I got those directly from the Bible?
Hilly, I prefer chocolate.
HoosierGirl, but of course!
Sybil, no, she’s learning about oral and anal sex.
Amanda, I was going there wayyyy before this post.
Chamblee, so after she says that she finds that horribly offensive, you’re going to make a joke about it? Nice manners.
Faiqa, oh yeah, Jesus totally loves you more.
Suebob, my advisor, Benny Hill, said, “Roses are reddish/ Violets are bluish/ If it weren’t for Christmas/ We’d all be Jewish.”
RebTurtle, but is there chocolate involved?
Selma, the irreverence is what makes it all worthwhile. Happy Easter!
Grant, it’s a special Avitabible.
SPD, you might need my version for it to be that entertaining.
Reply
Hilarious, but then my personal belief is that the bible is a bunch of bedtime stories written to scare the kids into doing what they’re told and going to bed without any hassle.
Finish you vegetables or you’ll burn in hell for all eternity.
The Lord died for our sins and you won’t even put away those clothes I spent all morning ironing.
That kind of thing.
Reply
Twitter: mr_shiny
says:
I find this to be childish, inaccurate, and wildly offensive.
I mean, come on: Dr. Peter Venkman? Really?
aelene would, beyond a shadow of a doubt, want to get with Egon. Or maybe the Black Ghostbuster. But certainly not Venkman…
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
, April 12th, 2009: 10:37 AM
“The Black ghostbuster”?!!!! He has a name, you know. It’s WINSTON.
Reply
Twitter: bobutler
says:
Well done, sir. Inspirational AND hilarious!
Reply
This is absolutely one of the best things I have read in quite some time. Kick ass.
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
I don’t know which are funnier: your made-up parts or the original made-up parts.
Good job!
(I’m still having chocolate anyways)
Reply
The Ghostbusters verse is my favorite. I think I would go to church to hear a preacher’s sermon with that kind of verbiage.
Reply
Twitter: snerkology
says:
Guffaw! You’re so going to hell. Which eases my mind, because I’d be bored down there without some good company!
Reply
Jesus and the Psycho Hose Beast wept. Tears of blasphemy gush forth from my eyes.
I love you, man. That is all.
Reply
Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Your interpretation of Matthew 27:53 is wrong. It should be:
It’s because of misinterpretation mistakes like this that cause the whole religion to believe things not necessarily true. Like that The Virgin Mary remained pure her entire life and Joseph ended up masturbating himself to death. I mean… really? She never got it on? Was that her fucking reward??? I think that because of her sacrifice women were granted the gift of multiple orgasm.
Please brush up on your Sandscript before next year.
Reply
Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Come on, you can find something more challenging than mocking the Bible. Take some Obama or Ghandi or Mother Teresa quotes or something.
Reply
You know, I don’t think I recall, in my many years of private Catholic all-girls’ school education, such interesting passages.
Would’ve done less bra-strap-snapping and pillow-fighting, and paid more attention in catechism class…
Reply
Twitter: poppycede
says:
*hop hop*
Reply
Leanne, it can motivate in many different ways I guess!
Shiny, Faiqa stole my reply. And, Venkman was the player. He’d totally hit that.
Bo, if I can’t be both, what’s the point in living?
Absurdist, I’m pretty proud of it too.
LeSombre, chocolate is only for good people!
Marty, the young people would flock back to the churches.
Laura, you mean Jesus won’t like my edits?
Cajun Vegan, tears of blasphemy taste like salt! And sulfur.
NYCWD, well, he was a bit premature, so it was “with”.
Whall, is Ghandi anything like Gandi?
Nenette, those are the things you miss when you don’t pay attention.
Poppy, bunneh!
Reply
You are SO going to hell for that Adam! :lmao:
Be sure to stand as far as possible from me when we’re at the pearly gates, um kay? I may be going to hell, but I’m not trying to get my ass fried on the way there too by standing to close to ya and having lightening strike my ass!
Reply
I’m a litlte bit surprised you didn’t spontaneously combust upon coming into such close contact with scriptures.
Reply
If there is a god, She will be striking you down over and over again with hundreds of lightning bolts.
If there isn’t a God, then He won’t.
Just when you think you’ve seen it all at Avitable’s…..
Whatever the case, I bet He/She does love Faiqa more than you.
Reply
Twitter: missbritt
says:
*sigh*
Happy Easter, Adam. And thanks for inviting me to your family’s Easter brunch.
May God have mercy on your soul.
Reply
Listen Avitable, Jesus died for my sins so that centuries later cute little bunnies could shit chocolate eggs that I could find. How dare you trivialize and take liberties with this holiday!
Hellfire consume you.
Reply
Oddly enough I’m watching Lord of the Rings right now.
Reply
Twitter: maria0305
says:
Haaa. HAhaa. Happy Zombie Jesus Day to you too.
Reply
Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
My favourite Jesus story is the one where he ends up in bed with Jill Kelly and Chasey Lain.
Reply
Twitter: mooshinindy
says:
Did. Not. Even. Read. Past. First. Word.
Reply
TMWW, irreverence is always needed for any religion!
Atomic Bombshell, I’m a very good Catholic, thank you very much!
Jason, everybody loves Faiqa, though. That’s like loving chocolate or pizza.
Britt, I cleared it with the big guy before I posted.
Jessica, those chocolate eggs are pretty damn tasty!
Maria, I thought you’d enjoy this post.
SciFi Dad, I think you might have Jesus confused with Ron Jeremy.
Moosh, the first word? “Since?” It’s not even a controversial word!
Reply
Twitter: _scifidad_
, April 13th, 2009: 8:18 AM
Actually, I think you’re confusing Spike Lee with Seymore Butts.
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
Gah Adam.
C’mon now.
I’m only laughing because I don’t believe that you believe this.
So a little grain of me is giggling like a school girl.
The rest of me is offended.
Congrats. Now I must go find that post where we were all allowed to tell you what an ass you are……
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
BTW – you should probably check out Revelations 22:18 – 19.
Just, ya know, some food for thought.
xoxo
Reply
Sheila, believe what? That the Ghostbusters actually were in Biblical times? Give me a break!
And, btw, it’s Revelation, not Revelations. As someone who’s read the Bible several times, I know that and see lots of people make that error.
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
, April 12th, 2009: 11:24 PM
Consider me owned on that score.
You’re still an ass. :heartbeat:
Reply
“There can be only one” made me literally laugh out fuckin’ loud.
Priceless, brother ….. Priceless!
Reply
This is the best Easter post I’ve read today. Thanks for the smile!
Reply
Since you posted today (Monday) I guess that means that you weren’t struck dead by a lightning bolt, so it must be safe to comment here.
Reply
Zom, Happy Easter!
Mandy, some people found it offensive and horrible! I was trying to be inspirational.
TrishK, no lightning. This time.
Reply
Pingback: The complete and not at all made up guide to Chanukah by Avitable | Avitable