As I write this post tonight, Stephen Hawking has been rushed to the hospital and is gravely ill. And unlike last time, when I waited until after death to have a(n imagined) conversation with Caylee Anthony, I thought I should have a conversation with the famous 67-year old physicist before his imminent demise.
Me: Hi Steve-o. Can I call you Steve-o?
SH: I would prefer not.
Me: Stevey?
SH: Mr. Hawking is fine.
Me: Sheesh. You know, for a cripple, you’re cranky. Isn’t your type supposed to be jolly?
SH: That’s fat people you’re thinking of, lard ass.
Me: Fine, fine. I’d punch you in the stupid face, but I don’t want to catch whatever it is you have. Let’s get to the interview. So you wrote “A Wrinkle In Time”?
SH: No, you brain-dead moron. That book was written by Madeleine L’Engle.
Me: “Back to the Future?”
SH: That starred Michael J. Fox, you twit.
Me: “Time after Time?”
SH: That, bearded imbecile, was written and performed by Cyndi Lauper.
Me: So who the fuck are you then?
SH: I am a theoretical physicist who wrote “A Brief History of Time.”
Me: Oh. So you know physics and shit?
SH: I definitely know physics and shit. In fact, I’ve forgotten more about physics in the last three seconds than you’ll ever learn in your pathetic inconsequential life.
Me: Can you answer me a question?
SH: Isn’t that the point of this infantile interview?
Me: Like, if Superman and Lois Lane fucked, wouldn’t his sperm shoot right through her and kill her immediately?
SH: The probability of someone with the powers of the fictional character Superman actually existing are nigh impossible. His very abilities contradict any ability he’d have to interact with humanity on any basis.
Me: Huh?
SH: Sigh. Yes, she would become Swiss cheese.
Me: I thought so!
SH: Do you have any more enlightened, fascinating questions?
Me: Nope! Want to thumb wrestle?
SH: Bring it on, fat boy.
*******
In other Avita-news, Britt is throwing Hilly a housewarming party! As some of you know, Hilly moved across country from California to Florida and now lives about thirty seconds away from Britt, ten minutes away from Faiqa, and twenty minutes away from me. Even though this clearly shows who she loves the most and who she loves the least, I’m still extremely excited that she’s here.
Since the blogging world can’t all come down to Orlando or fit in Hilly’s new house, Britt is hosting a virtual housewarming party over at her blog. Go on over, leave Hilly a housewarming comment, or even use her Amazon.com Wish List
My Interview with Phillip Spicklefritz
My Interview with Ken Ober
My Interview with Dennis Hopper
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
See? Even fake Stephen Hawkin thinks that Superman is stupid. :tongue1:
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
on April 21st, 2009 at Tuesday, April 21, 2009 @ 12:30 am
Oh, and you should have called him Joshua and asked him to call you Professor Falken. That would have been fun.
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
on April 21st, 2009 at Tuesday, April 21, 2009 @ 10:49 am
@B.E. Earl, That would have been brilliant!
Reply
Wow. That is pretty damn funny. Totally tasteless, but funny. “Yes, she’d be Swiss cheese.” Nothing tickles the funny bone like an exasperated Stephen Hawking.
Reply
Twitter: whall
says:
Heh. amazon.
Reply
The voice program he uses (according to my son who is like a freaking genius or something when it comes to this shit) is called Speakonia.
One of my favourite pastimes is to type rude words into it and imagine it is Stephen Hawking. And then giggle like the 12 year old boy that I am.
Reply
Twitter: _SciFiDad_
says:
You’ve lowered yourself to interviewing Simpsons characters now?
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
love when you talk to famous people.
“SH: I definitely know physics and shit.” hehe
Reply
Twitter: Faiqa
says:
LOL. “I’ve forgotten more about physics in the last few minutes…” Dear God, please let me have the opportunity to use that line on someone in the next few days…
Reply
:lmao:
Awesome!
This made me laugh and laugh…
“Fine, fine. I’d punch you in the stupid face, but I don’t want to catch whatever it is you have. ”
Excellent interview!
Reply
Physics…that’s the reason I moved closer to Britt than you. Duh.
Reply
I learn so much from you. sigh.
Reply
Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
I fucking knew it!!! Even Stephen Fucking Hawkins agrees with me that Superman would blow Lois Lane’s head clear off!!! Only Wonder Woman‘s amazonian uterus could handle the Super Semen.
Reply
BE Earl, I’ll ignore your first comment and say nice Wargames reference!
Chris, tasteless? A fake interview with a deathly ill genius? Heh.
Whall, I accepted their explanation. They just needed to be faster about it and provide more information.
Kelley, Stephen Hawking has always been pretty funny on shows like The Simpsons.
SciFi Dad, Homer’s next.
Hello, he’d totally say that!
Faiqa, you are such a dork of the highest magnitude!
Sybil, I should be hired to interview people in real life, too.
Hilly, but physics can be fun!
Robin, I’m a fount of knowledge.
NYCWD, but what if he wore a gold kryptonite cock ring, hm?
Reply
Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Depends on the Gold Kryptonite era. If it is the original Gold Kryptonite, it removes all Kryptonian powers permanently. If it is the later Gold Kryptonite, it only removes the powers for like 30 seconds.
So unless Superman is a Under Minute Man, she’s either still going to be decapitated or he won’t be so super anymore.
Reply
Housewarming? Does that mean you’re going to set it on fire?
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
says:
Do they sexually reproduce where Superman is from? Maybe they don’t have any semen at all. Or he could just pull out.
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
says:
Do they sexually reproduce where Superman is from? Maybe they don’t have any semen at all. Or he could just pull out. Of course then he’d probably put her eye out.
Reply
Regular or baby Swiss?
Reply
Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
“I’ve forgotten more about physics in the last three seconds than you’ll ever learn in your pathetic inconsequential life.”
O.M.F.G. I loved that! I snorted. I’m so using that in a conversation this next week. Seriously.
And um, Mr. Hawking? Whatever. Call him Professor Hawking, you non-physics peasant, and kneel before his glorious presence. And remember that when he’s gone? We’ll all be praying to the mighty Hawking because God will be obsolete.
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
This was hilarious but I really wish I knew who this Hawking guy was.
I have a feeling I’m going to feel like a total tool after I google this shit.
Reply
Twitter: shellimil
says:
Normally I would try to be funny, (I said “try”) but my brother-in-law is afflicted with the same disease. He will not live with it as long as Mr. Hawking has. I pray he doesn’t. It’s an awful disease.
Reply
NYCWD, good point. What about a condom that simulates red sun radiation?
Grant, isn’t that what a real housewarming is?
Finn, not just her eye, but it’d go through the back of her head!
Turnbaby, holes is holes!
Heather, I like Steve-O better.
Sheila, sigh. How do you not know who he is?
Shelli, I’m sure if it wasn’t for his income and advanced technology, Stephen Hawking never would have lived as long as he has so far.
Reply