As I write this post tonight, Stephen Hawking has been rushed to the hospital and is gravely ill. And unlike last time, when I waited until after death to have a(n imagined) conversation with Caylee Anthony, I thought I should have a conversation with the famous 67-year old physicist before his imminent demise.
Me: Hi Steve-o. Can I call you Steve-o?
SH: I would prefer not.
SH: Mr. Hawking is fine.
Me: Sheesh. You know, for a cripple, you’re cranky. Isn’t your type supposed to be jolly?
SH: That’s fat people you’re thinking of, lard ass.
Me: Fine, fine. I’d punch you in the stupid face, but I don’t want to catch whatever it is you have. Let’s get to the interview. So you wrote “A Wrinkle In Time”?
SH: No, you brain-dead moron. That book was written by Madeleine L’Engle.
Me: “Back to the Future?”
SH: That starred Michael J. Fox, you twit.
Me: “Time after Time?”
SH: That, bearded imbecile, was written and performed by Cyndi Lauper.
Me: So who the fuck are you then?
SH: I am a theoretical physicist who wrote “A Brief History of Time.”
Me: Oh. So you know physics and shit?
SH: I definitely know physics and shit. In fact, I’ve forgotten more about physics in the last three seconds than you’ll ever learn in your pathetic inconsequential life.
Me: Can you answer me a question?
SH: Isn’t that the point of this infantile interview?
Me: Like, if Superman and Lois Lane fucked, wouldn’t his sperm shoot right through her and kill her immediately?
SH: The probability of someone with the powers of the fictional character Superman actually existing are nigh impossible. His very abilities contradict any ability he’d have to interact with humanity on any basis.
SH: Sigh. Yes, she would become Swiss cheese.
Me: I thought so!
SH: Do you have any more enlightened, fascinating questions?
Me: Nope! Want to thumb wrestle?
SH: Bring it on, fat boy.
In other Avita-news, Britt is throwing Hilly a housewarming party! As some of you know, Hilly moved across country from California to Florida and now lives about thirty seconds away from Britt, ten minutes away from Faiqa, and twenty minutes away from me. Even though this clearly shows who she loves the most and who she loves the least, I’m still extremely excited that she’s here.
Since the blogging world can’t all come down to Orlando or fit in Hilly’s new house, Britt is hosting a virtual housewarming party over at her blog. Go on over, leave Hilly a housewarming comment, or even use her Amazon.com Wish List to buy her a present!