Morality is subjective

Avitable’s guide to killing your family

After reading yet another article about a husband and father who succumbed to the financial stress of our economy and murdered his family, then committed suicide, I became visibly disturbed by all of these horrible incidents. I really couldn’t let this disturbing trend continue without blogging about it. It resonated with me and I needed to make my point clear.

What drives a man not only to take his own life, but also the lives of his small children and spouse, using a gun?

Seriously, a gun? It’s expensive, loud, messy, and there’s a very high chance that someone’s going to wake up and try to run. Then you have to aim. It’s a lot of effort. Obviously, since your goal is to take the easy way out, you’d think you should avoid effort at all costs.

Husbands and fathers, listen carefully. If you really are in a dire situation, and there’s nothing else you can do to dig yourself out of the pit of despair, and if you’ve convinced yourself that your only solution is to kill your entire family and then yourself, follow this helpful guide to alternatives to using a gun:

1. Poison

With just a little bit of research and using chemicals you find in your house, you can concoct extremely fatal poisons that will dispatch your entire family cheaply and peacefully. Just tell your family that you’re treating them to ice cream, sprinkle it liberally on top, covered in chocolate sprinkles, and voila! It works quickly, and the best part is that nobody has to do the dishes.

2. Freezing

After the wife and kids have gone to bed, crank the air conditioning down as low as it goes. Seal all the entrances to your house – every door and window – with towels and duct tape. Then set the fan on your thermostat to “on” instead of auto and head to bed. About four hours into the night, hypothermia will set in for your entire family, and you’ll all fall asleep, snuggled in your beds while you dream one last blissful dream of playing in the snow.

3. Stingray

Dress your family all in khaki and go to Sea World. One by one, toss your kids into the stingray petting pool, and then grab your wife’s hand and pull her in with you. If my extensive knowledge of fishus stingrayus has taught me anything, it’s that these stingrays are a vicious bunch and they’ll instantly swarm you, piercing you through the heart with unerring accuracy. And, on an ironic note, Sea World will probably compensate the surviving members of your family handsomely, providing a sum of money that would have been sufficient to get back on your feet!

4. Stampede

Tell your children that you’re taking them to Sesame Street On Ice. While they’re excited and jumping up and down, quickly stick pieces of donuts in their pockets. Continue placing donuts on your person and in your wife’s purse and pockets. Get in the car and drive the whole family to a Weight Watcher’s Convention. Usher them inside and it won’t take long before the smell of donuts causes a massive obese stampede. And even better, there will be little to no burial expenses for the rest of your family since all of you will be almost completely consumed by the hungry, hungry hippos.

5. Ninjas

6. Self-Inflicted

Put several highly sharpened pencils on your coffee table. Then, sit your family down and put on a marathon of The Hills. One by one, as each family member can’t handle the inanity and horror of it, they’ll grab the pencils and do the deed themselves. All you have to do is save a pencil for yourself! N.B. If The Hills isn’t working, try any of the following: Yanni concert, Janet Jackson sex tape, the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

7. Virtual

This one takes some planning. First, purchase a virtual reality video game system. Then, don’t pay your electric bill for a few months, until you get a shut-off notice. About 10 minutes before they’re about to turn off your power, convince your family to join in you in the new virtual reality game. While you’re all wearing your gear and playing the game, the electric company will turn off your power, essentially killing your virtual selves. And everybody knows that if you die in a computer, you die in real life. This method is untested.

8. Great Scott

Steal some plutonium, get a DeLorean, and go back in time to 4 BC, where you’ll be quickly sold into slavery and worked to death. It’s simple and easy and keeps your hands from getting dirty!

Good luck, men. And I use the term “men” loosely. It’s one thing to reach that point of despair where you take your own life, but forcing the rest of your family to join you for the ride is pathetic, needy, and selfish. You’re not even a human being. We’re all better off with you gone.

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50 Replies to “Avitable’s guide to killing your family”

  1. NYCWD

    Have you ever seen 8 Pounds? I have no desire to see it… except for the jellyfish part. Your Stingray solution made me think about that.

    Other than maybe going to Charlie and Candy Mountain route… well I got nothing.

  2. Sybil Law

    Numbers 5 and 6 are my favorites.
    Fucking assholes. That stuff pisses me off royally. What is so wrong about a plain old suicide? That mom who drowned all her kids- you know that cuntbag had to wrestle the older kids, to do it, too.

  3. Faiqa

    You did read the part that discussed how he was struggling with depression and had tried various meds, right? A lot of people in this country have accrued that level (or far more) of debt when you factor in their mortgage… his dire actions indicate severe mental instability.

    Just had to say my piece.

    OK, lynch mob. Carry on.

  4. Avitable

    NYCWD, I have not seen it and haven’t heard about the jellyfish scene.

    Turnbaby, I definitely need a ninja smiley!

    Ashleigh, that’s crazy. Your mom must be devastated.

    Turnbaby, damn it.

    Dave2, that’s one I missed.

    Whall, or they’ll snort a whole mountain of snow and OD.

    Amanda, ninjas never need an explanation.

    Sybil, like I said, I can understand that suicide happens, but the murder-suicides are impossible to comprehend.

    Chris, yeah, that was mean, but since it’s funny, too, well, funny trumps all.

    Britt, and now I’ve replied.

    Hilly, snarkypoo snackiepoo doesn’t have anything to add?

    Becky, did I finally render you speechless?

    Robin, there’s a small chance that it won’t work.

    SPD, I wish stats would show that!

    Bossy, oh, you knew that already.

    Faiqa, I’m not denying that he was unstable.

    Christie, hm. Not sure if that’s the best idea!

  5. Summer

    I whole heartedly agree with your last statement. I don’t know why people think they need to kill others because they’re having a tough time. If they want to be noticed for their last act, kill yourself spectacularly.

  6. Grant

    The latest Japanese suicide fad is to use a homemade toxic gas. This has the unfortunate side effect of killing others in the vicinity, but in this case the unwanted effect becomes desirable. However, my preferred method would be to turn it into an educational family outing. With explosive suicide vests strapped to our bodies and wearing cheesy devil costumes, we would visit the nearest Scientology church, scream “May Jesus fuck you!” and then go out in style.

    But I can’t poison ice cream because I’m a diabetic and am not supposed to have all that sugar. Do you think unsweetened cream of wheat would serve as a proper substitute? The hospitals think so.

  7. Avitable

    Finn, don’t feel bad. I’m the one who wrote it!

    Geeky, this is why I’m the evil genius here.

    Bubblewench, your local ninja warehouse is a good starting point.

    Jay, it does seem the simplest solution.

    Deb on the Rocks, now that’s a brilliant idea!

    BE Earl, by “kindness”, do you mean “rocks?”

    Summer, exactly.

    Chris, sick but hilarious is my motto.

    Jeff, I can’t wait to get the CD and listen to it!

    Grant, they have sugar-free ice cream.

    Atomic Bombshell, ninjas never need an explanation!

  8. TSM_Oregon

    I always thought the best way to kill a husband was to make him go to the mall. Repeatedly. Sooner or later, they’ll find one of those stores with knock-off (ha!) asian weapons and put himself out of his misery.

  9. Becky

    I read this on the wrong day. I just got back from a funeral. One of my good friends was shot in the head by her husband last Friday. Any other day and I would’ve laughed at this…cringed, but laughed. Maybe I’ll re-read it tomorrow.

  10. Avitable

    TSM, the mall is indeed a miserable place.

    Kevin, ninjas are like the wind, and does the wind need an explanation?

    Turnbaby, it’s because it was faulty.

    Maria, you just said that because everyone else did, didn’t you?

    Becky, sorry to hear that.

  11. Valerie

    I too was disturbed to read about the Parente case this afternoon. What a waste. They had their 2 kids when they were 40 and 48. All that hope and effort gone forever.

  12. Poppy

    I do not want anyone to kill me over the economy. Keep the killing to yourself. I did not just make it through lots of really hard days only to be taken out by someone else who thought they were doing me a fucking FAVOR.

    I hear a cat… not my own cat. DID SOMEONE GET ME A KITTEN?!

  13. Jess

    One of my goals has been to wind up on the front page of a newspaper one day. I’m gonna post this list on the wall of my kitchen so that when people come here, they can get ideas.

    Then when I end up inviting the one crazy guy who would actually do it – he can say it was my idea. He’ll call it mitigating circumstances.

  14. just beth

    I totally didn’t even understand why we would be dressing in khaki… because I’m blonde(ish) and my brain doesn’t actually *work* in the morning… way to work in an obscure Crocodile Hunter reference! Brilliance!



  15. Marinka

    I was going to ask if you have any advice for families who are trying to avoid getting killed by their financially distressed head of household, but those smiley things are giving me seizures and I think it’s too late for me.

  16. Jessica

    You know, just the other day someone at work was talking about going to see a Yanni concert. She paid over $100 for her ticket.

    At #2, so THAT’s what my dad is trying to do when he turns the heat down just before he leaves for work. Too bad I sleep with two comforters. Mwahaha.

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