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Love for the Mormons

Today is my friend Casey’s birthday. She takes one step closer to the grave as she turns the ripe old age of 27!

Casey and I are completely opposite in many ways. She’s very modest and I have no shame. She doesn’t swear and I use profanity liberally. Casey’s respectful of religion and I’m irreverent. She watches reality television and I scorn people who do. Oh, and she’s Mormon and I’m Catholic, which means one of us is going to hell, although I suspect the Scientologists are the ones who are actually right and we’re all totally fucked.

To many people, the Mormon religion is shrouded in mystery. It’s recently gotten some publicity via the HBO show Big Love, but many of the beliefs and practices are unknown to the average person. In the interest of shedding some light, I thought I’d talk a little bit about some of the lesser known elements of being a Mormon:

  • While polygamy is not permitted among members of the main Mormon Church, polygonagamy, the practice of having sex in the shape of a multi-sided figure, is.
  • A faithful, practicing Mormon will be extremely charitable to anyone who needs it, even if they’re not Mormon. Unless you ask for a cup of sugar. Then they’ll cut a bitch.
  • Many adult Mormons wear a specific type of full-body underwear under their clothing night and day as a reminder of their worship. These garments used to be officially called “magical underwear”, but after 14 Harry Potter related deaths, they reverted to the more mundane “temple garments” instead.
  • While it is true that the Mormons have a secret underground structure in the mountains of Utah where they will all gather during the end of world times, it’s not true that they’ll allow one non-Mormon for every 100 Mormons so that they have someone to dance and entertain them. Instead, they’ll use monkeys.
  • During a secret ceremony that only Mormons can witness, the priest speaks in a tongue that seems indecipherable. In reality, it’s Pig Latin.
  • The Mormon Church forbids masturbation as a sin. However, they encourage sitting on washing machines and riding horses bareback.
  • Members of the church who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender are welcomed with open arms as long as they follow the tenets of the church. Trisexuals, however, are left out in the cold.
  • Even though people will lesser intellects think they’re clever by calling Mormons “morons”, the original name for Mormonism was actually Motherfmuckerism, so things could have been a lot worse.

All joking aside, when I think of Christian philosophy and the Christian way of treating people, property, and life, Mormons seem to embody that sense of goodness and virtue more than any other religion, and that lack of hypocrisy is something I actually respect. Now if only they’d stop ringing my fucking doorbell!

Please take a minute and go over and wish Casey a happy birthday!

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49 Replies to “Love for the Mormons”

  1. Redneck Mommy

    Casey is lucky to have a friend like you.

    You are lucky to have a friend like Case.

    I am luckier than you because not only is she my friend but I’ve seen her boobies. Er, temple garments.

    Happy birthday Casey. No one loves you like this Canadian Redneck does.

  2. martymankins

    As a former Mormon, I knew most of those. There’s also a lot more, but you got the major beliefs.

    Mormons are pretty handy when it comes to needing someone to help you move or to come work in your yard. But there is usually something they want in return, most of the time, in the form of listening and going to a church meeting.

    I think I just got an idea for my Avitoween costume this year.

  3. Backpacking Dad

    As someone who dated a Mormon in high school and married a recovering Mormon, I am seriously offended by this post.

    The Church is fully welcoming of tri- quad-, or really any ordinally-numbered sexuality. This one dude, from Connecticut, was a vigesimal-sexual. He’d fuck any of a number of things, including a lobster. And the Mormons were just like “Whatever, bra, have a cookie and don’t really fuck that lobster, because you’d need to be married first and even if we eventually lose on the gay marriage ban initiatives we’re pretty sure no on is going to go for the “Let’s fuck lobsters” amendment.”

    They’re way more tolerant than you give them credit for.

  4. B.E. Earl

    “All joking aside, when I think of Christian philosophy and the Christian way of treating people, property, and life, Mormons seem to embody that sense of goodness and virtue more than any other religion, and that lack of hypocrisy is something I actually respect.”

    Didn’t the Church of LDS have a lot to do with the passing of Prop….ah, fuck it. I don’t feel like bashing anyone’s religion today. Especially on their birthday.

    Happy Birthday Casey! :woohoo:

  5. Avitable

    BPR, it takes many years of training and expertise in four different disciplines of yoga.

    Undomestic Diva, they’re all true, too, right?

    Redneck Mommy, ooh, you are luckier!

    Marty, with my experience with Mormons, they’ve seemed pretty selfless, and what harm can a little listening do?

    BPD, well, I heard of a case where they turned away a googolsexual.

    Moosh, hmm. Guess you should have kept that list up, eh? 🙂

    Andrea, boobies are always distracting.

    BE Earl, I disagree completely with the LDS position on gay marriage, but every Mormon I’ve ever met is tolerant even with this draconian approach.

    Karen, I think it was the other way around!

    Ashleigh, I just answer the door naked.

    Al_Pal, I’m a truthseeker.

    Becky, yeah, that would get oppressively hot. Especially in Florida!

    Sybil, it’s totally true, too. They’re like the Flanderses.

    • Chris

      The things the Motherfmuckers won’t tell you. Thanks for clearing that up. By the way, Adam, since I have your attention for a minute, how do you pronounce “Avitable”? Does it rhyme with:

      Gravy table
      Wavy Babble
      Wobbly Mabel
      None of the above?

      Help a brutha out here!

  6. Kiefer and Emo

    As a former Scientologist… uh… don’t worry about them having it “right”.

    We were not all penned up around these volcanoes that made us jumble up the memories our alien past lives. And Tom Cruise can’t fly either.

  7. Faiqa

    Mormons are also a bona fide *American* Christian religious sect as they were founded in these here United States. That makes them historically unique, I think.

    Other than “son of Ham” thing in their early history, I’ve always thought they were pretty nice people.

  8. Popping Bubbles

    I grew up the only non-Mormon kid in my hood. I distinctly remember saying “Oh my God!” one day and two little girls whispering behind their hands “She said dog backwards.”

    This post made me giggle. A lot. A whole fucking lot. :lmao: :clap:

  9. PocketCT

    Faiqa I don’t think they are unique. There are Jehovah Witnesses and a bunch of other little ones. Maybe they are the largest.

    Funny behind my last house was Mormon Hollow Cemetary. The newest grave was 1797 a good thirty years before Mr. Smith found the plates and the little stones (whose name I remember as Uma Thurman but that isn’t quite right) and I always thought that was odd. Was it renamed after? Did mormon mean something else before 1827?

    All very interesting but is just some text because I forgot to subscribe last time

  10. Kris

    Wow, that was freakin hilarious. This is my first visit to your blog and I’m going to start sifting through the archives now. It will give me a reason to avoid doing anything useful until the baby wakes up..
    Looking forward to reading more!

  11. Chris

    I think I screwed this up as a reply to someone else, but here’s the thing in case you missed it…

    The things the Motherfmuckers won’t tell you. Thanks for clearing that up. By the way, Adam, since I have your attention for a minute, how do you pronounce “Avitable”? Does it rhyme with:

    Gravy table
    Wavy Babble
    Wobbly Mabel
    None of the above?

    Help a brutha out here!

  12. Theresa

    Hilarious post. In my line of work, I often have to look for people to help the elderly or disabled clean up their houses or yards. And the only church I have found that is unwavering in this task is the Mormons. Our local LDS church just completed their National Day of Cleaning (I don’t remember the exact name of the day, but it was something like that) and it was awesome to see 400 Mormons in a vacant lot picking up trash.

  13. Avitable

    Christie, yes, they are. Them, and Buddhists.

    Midwest Mommy, I’ve got the best commenters in the blogosphere.

    Finn, only until their deflowering.

    Kiefer & Emo, obviously, that was a joke. And I saw him fly, dammit.

    Nanna, so it’s okay and even nice for me to mock the Mormon religion, but not the Bible? Hm.

    Dawn, it’s a strange phenomenon.

    Faiqa, what about the Church of Holy Avitableness?

    PocketCT, the octagon can be tricky.

    NYCWD, several of them involved brooms.

    Popping Bubbles, was it really a hood if they were all Mormons?

    PocketCT, Quakers, too, right?

    Kris, my oldest stuff is shit, so start from here and work backwards until you start yawning.

    Atomic Bombshell, there’s much less of the whole “talk out of both sides of your mouth” thing.

    Grant, bunny indeed.

    Chris, I’ve created an instructional video:

    Theresa, that is outstanding.

    Bossy, oh, but you look younger than both of us combined.

    Sheila, damn near!

    Chamblee, yes. Haven’t you heard of Ann Coulter?

  14. PocketCT

    No Quakers started in England. Oneida community is US born and of the more interesting. Shakers I think too are based here, but they faded out since they all practiced celibacy.

    My sweetie is a Quaker, I like them.

  15. Theresa

    I don’t know why, but somehow I missed your loving tribute to Bea Arthur, but I read it this morning and I’m still laughing. “Jimmy Hoffa was actually hidden in her vagina.” My first comment to you ever was that you had “a little OMG” factor and you commented back that the OMG was a big part of your blog. Well, Mr. Avitable…I stand corrected.

  16. Jason

    I, too, am a former Mormon. Of course, I have known some very kind, wonderful Mormons. My entire family is Mormon. I’m a direct decendant of Brigham Young.

    I hate to be the downer in this happy post, but I have known some very MEAN and HORRIBLE Mormons. Just like every other religion, there are good and bad, and in between.

    Nothing against the lovely Casey, I know she’s as cool as they get.

    I loved your insights into Mormon doctrine. I thought I was pretty familiar with Mormon doctrine, but apparently I have missed some major teachings somewhere along the way!

  17. Avitable

    PocketCT, does he meet your quaking needs?

    Theresa, as long as it doesn’t overwhelm you!

    Elizabeth, they do, and for no real reason.

    Karen, me either, actually.

    Jason, oh, I don’t doubt that there are mean Mormons. The law of statistics would dictate that. I’ve just only had good experiences with Mormons.

    Poppy, well, the birthday site is in the near future, and it will have a full post for each person’s birthday, which is even better.

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