Swine flu and you

Swine flu hysteria is sweeping the nation. It’s the new SARS. And as usual, people are overreacting without properly understanding the risks, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. So, in order to help stem the flow of retarded panic, inform yourself (taken mostly from the CDC website):

Q: Why is it called “Swine Flu”?

A: Swine Flu (aka Swine Influenza) is a respiratory disease of pigs caused by type A influenza viruses that causes regular outbreaks in pigs. While there is rarely transmission between pig to person, this can happen in several rare situations, typically when there is contact between the human mouth and pig mouth, human mouth and pig genitalia, human genitalia and pig anus, and human mouth and pig anus. It is unknown at this time why the virus has started transmitting from person-to-person when past infection was limited and unsustainable beyond three people.

Q: Can I get swine flu from eating or preparing pork?

A: No, with a small exception. IF the pork product is particularly fresh and IF the product contains any pork anus, such as in a hot dog or sausage, the CDC recommends avoiding these products or cooking in boiling water for a minimum of 12 minutes to rid the chance of infection.

Q: Is the swine flu virus contagious?

A: Yes, the swine flu is contagious and is spreading from human to human without mouth to mouth, mouth to anus, or mouth to genitalia contact. At this point, it is not known how easily the virus spreads between people, but the CDC has provided the following list of activities that they recommend ceasing until the threat is over: kissing, blood drinking, fellatio, cunnilingus, anilingus, snowballing, golden showers, cleveland steamers, pearl necklaces, and sexual intercourse, both vaginal and anal.

Q: How does an infected person infect someone else?

A: Infected people may be able to infect others beginning 1 day before symptoms develop and up to 7 or more days after becoming sick. That means that you may be able to pass on the flu to someone else before you know you are sick, as well as while you are sick. This does not mean, however, that if you think you’re sick, you should tell people that you have the swine flu. That will only cause panic and later, mocking.

Q: How long can an infected person spread swine flu to others?

A: People with swine influenza virus infection should be considered potentially contagious as long as they are symptomatic and possible for up to 7 days following illness onset. Children, especially younger children, might potentially be contagious for longer periods. It is suggested to prepare a clean room of your household, where you can keep the infected victim at all times. Your only contact with this person should be to feed them through an available opening, such as a cracked window or a dumbwaiter. Avoid all physical contact and even verbal contact if at all possible.

Q: What are the signs and symptoms of swine flu in people?

A: The symptoms of swine flu in people are identical to the symptoms of regular human flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. Some people have reported diarrhea and vomiting associated with swine flu. In the past, death has also been reported as the most serious sign of swine flu, although deaths that are unrelated to flu-like illnesses, such as motor vehicle accidents, decapitations, murder-suicides, trampling, or overdoses, should not be considered to be a symptom of swine flu.

Q: What should I do to keep from getting the flu?

A: First and most important: wash your hands. Get plenty of sleep, be physically active, manage your stress, drink plenty of fluids, and eat nutritious food. Try not touch surfaces that may be contaminated with the flu virus. Avoid close contact with people who are sick. In addition, activities that increase your endorphins may make you more susceptible, so driving at high speeds, masturbating or other sexual activity, and running or jogging are all considered high-risk.

Q: Are there medicines to treat swine flu?

A: Yes. CDC recommends the use of oseltamivir or zanamivir for the treatment and/or prevention of infection with these swine influenza viruses. If you are unable to gain access to these or similar antiviral drugs, there are some homemade remedies that may also offer some remedial treatment and/or prevention. Eating raw bacon that has been highly salted can introduce antibodies into your system that can fight infection. Additionally, using a 2:3 mixture of Gatorade and laundry detergent, along with one cup of water per gallon of mixture, you can create a poutine to apply to your face, which will enter your airwaves and disinfect your system.

Q: What should I do if I get sick with swine flu?

A: If you live in areas where swine influenza cases have been identified and become ill with influenza-like symptoms, including fever, body aches, runny nose, sore throat, nausea, or vomiting, diarrhea or death, you may want to contact your health care provider, particularly if you are worried about your symptoms. You should stay home and avoid contact with as many other people as possible. If people continue to approach you, it may be a good idea to use a weapon of some kind, such a shotgun, to dissuade them from entering your premises. Fire only if you are fully convinced that they will come up to you, touch you, and become infected with swine flu.

Q: How serious is swine flu infection?

A: In pigs, swine flu is always fatal. First the pigs will bleed from the eyes, mouth, and other orifices. Next, they will become weak and unable to stand. Finally, the pigs’ lungs will collapse and they will die painfully. In humans, swine flu can vary in severity from mild to severe. If you begin bleeding from any orifice, please call 911 immediately, as death is likely imminent within hours if treatment is not sought immediately.

Don’t be a pig! Swine flu doesn’t have to get you too!

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43 Replies to “Swine flu and you”

  1. Janna

    I really should print this out and keep a copy in my wallet so I remember everything.

    Plus, it’ll remind me to get Gatorade and laundry detergent at the store tomorrow.

    But first, I’ve gotta finish the rest of the hot dogs that are in the fridge…

  2. whall

    People Snickered at me when I said the gov’t is taking over, buying out the banks. “when pigs fly,” they said.

    They pointed and laughed when I said watch out, they’re buying up States rights with the stimulus package. “when pigs fly,” they said.

    They ostracized me when I warned they were going after our guns and ammo with HR45 and the new scrap sales regulations. “when pigs fly,” they said.

    The government firing CEOs, owning insurance, owning credit lines, automobiles; all when pigs fly.

    Well guess what’s happening today?

    Swine flu.

  3. Avitable

    Dave, it can be fun for the whole family.

    Amanda, I know. It’s just the fucking flu. That’s it.

    BPR, you didn’t think that this was 100% completely accurate?

    LeSombre, if you know anyone who’s really worried about it, you can send them over to my site for information.

    Becky, well, I didn’t want to sow the seeds of hysteria even worse.

    Janna, make sure you boil them enough!

    Faiqa, now you just need a sign so you can walk the streets of Orlando letting people know that end times are coming.

    Mary, I’m here to help.

    Whall, I knew where that was going from the first line. Still funny, though.

    Mik, well, I think the pig has been fucked, if that’s what you’re asking.

  4. shiny

    Helpful swine flu tip: Zanamivir is helpful at staving off and reducing the severity of infections. But it also can be used with a dual purpose: as the undisputed master of the Pan Flute.

    (I suppose that’s less of a “helpful swine flu tip” and more of a “fun swine flu fact.”)

  5. Popping Bubbles

    You are so kind for passing on this list of tips. I will certainly print a copy out and give it to my assistant who is sitting at her desk with a vat of hand santizer and her little mask firmly in place. In Las Vegas. Where there have been no reported cases. Kill.me.now.

  6. Avitable

    SPD, not anymore!

    Sybil, you should just assume that you’re going to die.

    Hilly, that’s the quote of the day. “If I’m going out, I’m going out with deliciousness in my mouth.”

    Karen, every time I hear “swine flu”, I think “margalit.”

    Shiny, what makes you think it’s okay to make fun of such a serious pandemic?

    Robin, even if there was no blood, I’d say you should seek help.

    NYCWD, and by Monday, we’ll all be dead from swine flu.

    Finn, it was nice knowing you. See you on the other side.

    Sheila, how’d you know what was next?

    Clown, but bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste good.

    SciFi Dad, only if you face west while you do it.

    Popping Bubbles, oh, you totally should.

    Grant, SARS was the last big pandemic that turned into nothing.

    Tiffany, oh no! You’re infected!

  7. BOSSY

    At first glance, Bossy thought one of your questions was, “Can I get swine flu from reading?” which threw Bossy into a literary panic difficult to rationalize. Phew. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Flu.

  8. Meg

    Thank you for doing your part to inform the public. I am amazed at the hysteria. Our TV news said that this possible pandemic was affecting “all of humanity!”

    I also read (paraphrasing) that you can go ahead with the face mask, but the real benefit there is not as much the filtering of incoming airborne germs as it is that people will think you are a FREAK and will naturally keep a respectful distance from you.

  9. Avitable

    Britt, what, saying “I am not coming in tomorrow and I will stab you if you complain” doesn’t work well enough?

    Bossy, just don’t read “One Flu over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

    Meg, that’s a smart plan.

    Craig, yeah, it’s a cool idea. I read me when I shit all the time.

    LMSS, I can only imagine!

  10. Atomic Bombshell

    There’s some good advice in there. Which is good, because I’ll need it. Attending a Cal State University (aka Germ Pit) and having suppressed immunity due to pregnancy is a surefire recipe to go down in flames with this flu.

  11. Theresa

    Mr. Avitable, thanks so much for the information. I ran into a woman yesterday who was wearing a paper mask (like Michael Jackson wears so fashionably). It was just so funny considering she was more likely to get an infectious disease from all the bags of trash that were laying open around her house. Ugh~!

  12. Elizabeth Kaylene

    I read this post a few days ago on my BlackBerry and swore I’d return right away to comment, but I suck.

    I am so tired of hearing about swine flu and H1N1, so it’s nice to read something that doesn’t say, “We’re all gonna die! Head for the hills!” or “I said Obama would be President when pigs fly. Now we’ve got swine flu.” Seriously people, get a grip.

    My favorite is the second-to-last, and the caution against anal sex, though the whole thing gave me a good laugh. Thank you for (sort of) being the voice of reason! πŸ˜€

  13. Krystle @snarkykisses

    Thanks for posting this, it’s always good to have reminders.

    However, I thought the same way you do before I got sick… And after 7 days off work, a trip to the ER, prescriptions of Tylenol 3, Prednisone, Albuterol, 2 nebulizer treatments and a chest xray… This hype isn’t a joke. When I got knocked on my ass at the initial diagnosis, I thought I was on my death bed… And still, I don’t wish what I felt those days, on anyone. Then after about a week, including 5 days away from work, I thought I was well enough to go back to work… And that was the night I landed in the ER because it had now gone into my chest and lungs.

    And now? Now I think all this hype is warranted and real, and they’re right… But it took me getting it and being knocked on my ass to realize this isn’t a joke, and I can see more than ever now why more and more people are dying lately.

    With that being said, I do believe the majority of the population will get it at one time or another. There are several different strains and severities and it affects some worse (those with pre-existing lung conditions) than others.

    Just wash your hands, cover your mouth, and most importantly… If you have the least bit of cough, ache, extreme fatigue and feelings of a sudden onset of sinus infection symptoms… stay home!!! Take extra precautions, which we are already aware of.

    This crap sucks! But I still believe that everyone or the majority of the people WILL get it at one point or another.

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