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Famous moms in history

1738: “If you don’t brush your teeth, Georgie, they’re going to rot right out of your head and then you’ll have to get wooden teeth. You don’t want splinters in your mouth every time you eat food, do you?”

1865: “I can’t believe you’re going out to the theater rather than coming over to your own mother’s house for dinner, Abraham. 9 hours of labor for this? What thanks I get!”

1893: “Henry, why can’t you get a good job like Mrs. Crandall’s son? He works at the factory and supports all twelve of his children. You need to stop wasting your time with this gasoline engine nonsense and get a real job!”

1901: “Oh, my poor little Adolf. Did that mean Jewish boy beat you up again? Well, don’t you worry. Someday he’ll grow up and get what’s coming to him. Trust me, a mother knows.”

1945: “Why don’t you ever take me somewhere nice, Benito? I’d love to see Switzerland some day before I die.”

1953: “Stephen, if you do not behave, I’m going to lock you in the basement again, and you know what’s in the basement, right? Evil clowns and monsters and all types of horrible creatures that will skin your six-year old little body alive and suck the marrow from your bones.”

1965: “Madonna Louise! What are you doing with the neighbor’s boy? Those parts are private and you do not let anyone else touch them, do you hear me? Now go get me a switch, and I’ll make sure you never do this again!”

1969: “Okay, Joanne, one last bedtime story. Once upon a time, there was a boy named Harry, and he had a little scar on his forehead.”

1975: “Shhhh, shhhh, Drew, don’t cry. Here, have some booze.”

1983: “Adam, that is a very, very bad word. I don’t care where you heard it, but now you’re going to have to eat a bar of soap. That will teach you to never use profanity ever again, goddammit.”

1988: “Lindsay, young lady, come back here with my coke mirror! Aw, fuck it.”

1990: “George, sweetie, you can’t just break the contracts you created with the Rangers and tap their phones to see if they’re negotiating with other teams. And you definitely can’t blacklist them just for disagreeing with you. You’re going to be famous for being the worst managing partner of the Texas Rangers in history if you don’t change your life around.”

1994: “The way to a man’s heart and wallet is his penis, dear. Now go fetch me a hot dog, Monica, and I’ll show you what to do.”

1998: “Lindsay, young lady, come back here with my coke mirror! Aw, fuck it.”

2001: “Jamie, ask your sister to teach you about the birds and the bees.”

2002: “Bristol, go ask your dad to teach you about the birds and the bees. I’ve got a wolf to shoot.”

2008: “I love you very much, Barry, and you can be anything you want, even President. As long as they don’t find out that you’re not actually a US citizen.”

2009: “Oh, [insert new baby name here], I can’t wait until I can go blog about you!”

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my friends out there who are mothers, have been mothers, or will be mothers soon.

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18 Replies to “Famous moms in history”

  1. Amo

    First time commenter here…I have to admit, I had something funny to say before I started watching all the smilies. Now I’m just shocked and amazed… But I CAN’T. STOP. STARING…

    Anyway, thanks for the Mother’s Day wishes!

  2. NYCWD

    I have to agree with Robin… the Lindsay one in 1988 made me snort… the one in 1998 made me LMAO.

    There’s really nothing wrong with a 10 year coke binge as her reality tv show exhibits.

  3. Blondefabulous

    1953: “Stephen, if you do not behave, I’m going to lock you in the basement again, and you know what’s in the basement, right? Evil clowns and monsters and all types of horrible creatures that will skin your six-year old little body alive and suck the marrow from your bones.”

    Somehow, I can see that this would have really happened……. Thanks for the Mother’s Day wishes!

  4. Avitable

    Beth, even if you do breastfeed in the middle of Home Depot!

    Breigh, now we know how it all began.

    Robin, she should win mother of the year.

    Amo, the smilies are hypnotizing!

    DB, aww, he made you tea for Mother’s Day?

    NYCWD, very true. It’s clearly exacerbated all of her best attributes.

    BE Earl, no clue. We’ll blame his mother, though.

    Blondefabulous, that’s totally how it probably started.

    Sybil, Happy Mother’s Day!

    Sam, ha! No way in hell. I’d post a picture of me blowing my brains out.

    Faiqa, when I wrote it last night, I meant to include one for you, actually, but it completely slipped my mind.

    Moosh, yeah, I’m a moron. Heh.

  5. Avitable

    Chris, or was an obnoxious, pushy person.

    Christy, any post that has Hitler and Mussolini in it will automatically be awesome.

    Chag, even so, if I had said “JK” instead of her real name, I’m betting you would have gotten it.

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