Avitable’s guide to when it’s okay to abuse your wife

A judge in Saudi Arabia ruled that husbands are allowed to slap their wives if they spend lavishly. [source] Obviously, this has caused a bit of controversy, due to some of the draconian attitudes that Saudis have towards the proper treatment of women. However, we’re not so different, the Saudis and us. Just like there, we have rules about when it’s okay to slap, punch, pummel, or pull the hair of the person that you swore to love until death do you part. Unlike in Saudi Arabia, though, these rules are unwritten. Until now:

It is okay to abuse your wife when . . .

  • You don’t take the garbage out and she puts the garbage bag by the front door as a hint.
  • Your beer gets warm and she doesn’t immediately jump up to get you a new chilled glass.
  • Those socks that you left on the floor when you went to bed are still there the next day.
  • She won’t watch Die Hard or Terminator with you for the millionth time.
  • Your son is named Taylor or Hunter or Caden, at her insistence.
  • She stitches the holes in your underwear with pink thread.
  • She buys generic cereal instead of the brand name stuff you like.
  • She likes Hanson.
  • Your hot chocolate doesn’t have tiny marshmallows in it.
  • Her paycheck is more than yours.
  • She calls you by your real name during sex instead of Sir Kevin Longschlong, the rakish but handsome squire visiting the US for the first time.
  • You’re told to take the Christmas lights down before July 4th.
  • The dog farts.
  • You fart.
  • She knows more euphemisms for masturbation than you do.
  • Her favorite TV show is “The Hills.”
  • It’s a day that ends in “y.”

If you follow these simple rules, then you too can enjoy a life of leisurely domestic abuse without concern. Should an overzealous district attorney decide to take your case to court, the judge will instantly dismiss or sabotage your case with a nod and a wink. Should your spouse decide to fight back, she’ll be summarily executed as a threat to the freedom of this country. It’s a great world here in 2009, but it’s wonderful to know that we still have strong old-fashioned values from the early 1900s.

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32 Replies to “Avitable’s guide to when it’s okay to abuse your wife”

  1. Grant

    Women should understand that we only hit when their behavior has to be corrected. They make us do it. Anyway, they’re asking for it – they’re all asking for it. We hit because we care.

  2. Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy

    I think it is okay to abuse people in general if they:
    -name their sons really feminine bitch sounding names. (for example:I’ve never met a guy named Jamie that didn’t need punched in the fucking face.)
    -are the i-did-this-first sort of people. they either owned/heard/saw/knew of it first, and they are dying to tell you or anyone that will listen, because they were FIRST.
    -roll their eyes when they can’t think of a good comeback.
    -buy pets and instantly abandon them. it isn’t that i’m partial to pets. It’s that I hate quitters (unless they quit drugs).
    -those people that get the inside of their lips tattooed. what the fuck?
    -blog lurkers that only come out to let you know about some mistake you made in the writing of your post. they make it sound like they are trying to be helpful, and maybe they are, but still. bitches.
    -close minded folks.
    -people with mullets.
    -people that buy generic peanut butter.

  3. Mik

    My wife towers over me she’d beat the crap outta me.

    Your list brings to mind the scene in the movie The Boondock Saints, about how the term “Rule of thumb” came about.

  4. Avitable

    Amanda, especially if you have a Hunter running around.

    Grant, it’s about loving too much.

    Marty, who has a trash compactor? I thought those died out in the 70s.

    Amanda, wait, what are creepers? I’m with you on the rest of it.

    Mik, yeah, I love that movie.

    Faiqa, but it’s the function of another culture, like arranged marriage. It’s obviously just as modern and not at all backwards.

    SPD, I’m okay with that. We don’t want the dog to even know that there’s water in there.

    Clown, I’m so going to beat you.

    Britt, what? Wait, it’s NOT okay to abuse women in any way and it’s absurd that there should be a legitimate reason when it’s okay to strike your spouse? Who’da thunk it?

  5. B.E. Earl

    Women still sew up holes in their husband’s undies? Really? Is it still the 1930’s?

    If so then I am setting a reminder for April of 1938 to pick up the first appearance of a certain lame super-hero. That’s pretty much what I would use a time machine for, by the way.

    That and tickets to Yankee World Series games in the 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. Wait, what was this post about again? Oh yeah…bitch had it coming.

  6. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    Adam, a “creeper” is, well, a creep. At least, that’s my definition of one of my favorite words.

    It’s good thing I just throw my husband’s holey underwear away and let him go commando til he remembers to buy news ones….because I’d totally use pink thread.

  7. NYCWD

    I had no idea that you were doing freelance work for the governmental legal arm of Saudi Arabia.

    How is it being paid by the barrel of crude oil? Does the local 7-11 give you shit when you try to use it?

  8. Jay

    Sometimes women try to walk right beside their husbands and forget that they should be walking a couple of steps behind him. I hate it when they get uppity like that.

  9. Avitable

    Sybil, are Hunter’s parents douches?

    Robin, well, of course.

    LMSS, you do? Ew!

    BE Earl, you and RW should make a time machine.

    Sheila, you throw them away? I wear them until they fall apart.

    NYCWD, I mainly just put it in my hair.

    Jay, damn uppity wimmin.

  10. ame i.

    Being a dweller of the Deep/Mid South,there are only 2 things I can say:

    1) Man,you ain’t right, bless yer heart!

    2) Damn, thas funny!

    If I ever move from this area I will make more eloquent comments.

  11. Gina

    @Amanda – I actually know a guy named Jamie who is absolutely awesome. The women I know as Jamie are hit and miss though, if they are great or bitches.

    @Avitable: Nice satirical post. 🙂

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