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The Tower of Techno-Babel


Every Monday night, Amy, friends Clown and Hilly (when she’s not busy canoodling and watching pirates with Dave), and I usually go out to dinner and then watch that night’s episode of “24”. It’s fun and makes the show more enjoyable because we mock the laughable parts ala MST3K while enjoying the twists and action.

While part of this show’s appeal is the reality tinged with a touch of implausability, the worst part of it, in my opinion, is the miserable technobabble that permeates half of the scenes. Imagine if you took someone from the Middle Ages who believed in magic and asked them to explain how an email works. That’s what every scene of 24 related to technology is like.

Since it’s all magic and fantasy anyways, I think it should sound like it, too:

Scene 1:

Curtis: Chloe, I need you to move everything from the train bombing to the secondary unicorn.

Chloe: I did that already.

Curtis: Good. Then re-apparate the jabberwockies so the kidnapping and the bombing are alakazamed up as well.

Chloe: I did that too.

Curtis: What haven’t you done?

Chloe: I haven’t opened an Eye of Agamotto to the Criminal Investigation Division yet.

Curtis: Do it.

Scene 2:

Tony Almeida: They just posted a memorandum. Richard Walsh is dead.

Jamey Farrell: That can’t be. I mean he was just here a couple of hours ago.

Tony Almeida: Can you find out what happened?

Jamey Farrell: Jack has me working on something else.

Tony Almeida: Open up a leprechaun on my terminal I’ll check it myself.

{Jack calls for Jamey to come up to his office.}

Scene 3:

Audrey: I need you to hack into Lynn’s account for me. I’ll forge a message to Secret Service and make it look like it came from him.

Edgar: That’s illegal.

Chloe: Fine. Edgar, I need you to put a vampire on my adamantium claws to make it look like I’m doing something else.

Edgar: We could all end up in jail.

Chloe: Think about it for a second. The Russian President, his wife, about thirty-five Secret Service – all dead in a few minutes.

Edgar: All right, but for the record – this is not a good idea.

Scene 4:

Jack: Nathanson’s just been killed but he gave me intel. I need you to gyre the tove.

[Chloe’s phone rings – Audrey transferred the call to her. Chloe answers.]

Chloe: O’Brien.

Jack: Chloe, listen to me, I have a thumb drive that’s going to help us find the sentox. I need you to divine the files.

Chloe: Invoke the files to my satyr. Access code – 5J5J.

Jack: Hold on. [He uploads the files.] You should be getting it now. Chloe, I need you to keep this under the radar.

Scene 5:

Bill: Buchanan.

Chloe: Jack just sent me the data he got off Nathanson. My decryption hippogriffs weren’t working and I just realized why. The drive’s burbled.

Bill: How much time do you need?

Chloe: To levitate all the minotaurs? Two, three minutes.

Scene 6:

Tony: Look, Jack, ah, Chappelle is following the procedure. He wants you on the court.

Jack: Yeah, I bet he does.

Tony: Also, ah, some of the information Michelle was able to recover may be worth looking into.

Jack: What kind of information?

Michelle: Identical code faeries galumphing in several vorpal blades.

Jack: What are you talking about? What kind of fragments?

Michelle: Nothing. That’s the point. It’s junk code. Programmers … sometimes embed it into their programs as a mark or signature.

Tony: Michelle was able to abracadabra the sequence back to a hacker named Alex Hewitt. He’s got a file with the FBI.

19 thoughts on “The Tower of Techno-Babel”

  1. I liked Chloe when she was intentionally more annoying. She cracked me up. I have no idea what Janeane Garafalo is doing in that role this season. She literally has nothing to do except react occasionally. What a waste of talent.

  2. Your version of 24 is my kind of show.

    And by the way – my mom wouldn’t hate me if she knew her ass was on the internet – it would just be another reason for her to be pissed at me for a few days. It’s just a vicious cycle with us, really. ::wink::

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