The scene was a nice dinner with Amy, Clown and Chiquita. We were discussing various fascinating topics such as home improvement projects, work-related minutiae, and possible decorations for this year’s Halloween theme for the party on Saturday, October 24th. And that’s when it happened:
“So,” my wife said, “I was talking to Female Lawyer Bodybuilder (names have been changed to protect the innocent) today. She’s thinking of moving back here. I asked if she had talked to Bland Vanilla Lawyer Woman since she was a good networking contact. And do you know what she said?”
“What, sweetie?” I asked, my voice sounding disingenuously intrigued.
“Well, Female Lawyer Bodybuilder said that she did speak with Bland Vanilla Lawyer Woman and that they somehow ended up talking about me at one point.”
“Mmmhmmm,” I may have mumbled while stirring my food into intriguing patterns with my fork.
“And, apparently,” Amy said, relishing every moment, “Bland Vanilla Lawyer doesn’t like you very much!” Amy’s smile mocked me devilishly.
“WHAT? How can she not like me? I’ve only met her once and that was like three years ago!”
“I know! Apparently she just thinks you’re weird and the fact that you don’t leave the house frequently is enough that she’s just ‘not that fond of you’.” This was the point that my wife cackled.
The reason that this is a big deal is that I’m the one that people like! With a few exceptions, I’m the one who gets along with new people. I’m self-deprecating, funny and charming, and people love me. It’s extremely rare for anyone to “not get me” or be “not that fond of me”.
I don’t expect everyone to like me. In fact, I’d prefer people who don’t know me to dislike me and steer clear. However, once I meet someone, if they don’t like me, this bothers me. There is only one reasonable explanation for this:
Obviously, that person is a moron with the personality of a gallon of paint and the sense of humor of Pat Buchanan.
****
In other Avita-news, today marks the birthday of someone that I’ve recently come to know carnally. Wait, carnally means “through her blog”, right? Anyways, she’s a control freak who hates surprises, can’t poop anywhere but home, and has a wickedly sharp sense of humor. Essentially, she’s a smaller version of me with better breasts and probably a bigger set of balls.
Enjoy this post? Try these:She may be 41, but she’s 14 at heart. And by heart, I mean her tits.
Going postal apparently means not working on Saturdays anymore
Stick your LOL up your ROTFLMAO
I cannot imagine it, someone not being fond of you. Clearly there is an error somewhere.
I am one of those you either like or hate—and usually it is like, but the ones that hate me, boy howdy do they hate me. Like my secretary. She can so kiss my ass though
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@paige, your secretary hates you? Having employees who didn’t like me would bother the hell out of me.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I’m not fondue you.
But somehow I always think of cheese and you together anyway.
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@B.E. Earl, I prefer chocolate fondue. Once you go chocolate, you’ll never go . . . um, back?
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
This doesn’t make sense. Were your balls hanging out when she met you or something?!?
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@Dave2, surely this would only make her like him more, no?
Wait, maybe that’s just me.
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@Dave2, what Breigh said. Wouldn’t that just enhance the appeal?
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
don’t expect everyone to like me. In fact, I’d prefer people who don’t know me to dislike me and steer clear. However, once I meet someone, if they don’t like me, this bothers me.
::smiles to self::
I never pegged you to be this type. It’s quite endearing, actually.
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Twitter: Whatsananna
, May 22nd, 2009: 10:33 AM
@Robin, me too :heartbeat:
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@Robin, does this mean you’ll take my side from now on during our shows?
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Twitter: Bellaventa
, May 23rd, 2009: 11:20 AM
@Avitable, Um….no.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Bland Vanilla Lawyer is going to get cut if she doesn’t watch her ass. Aside from Britt, I’m insanely jealous of anyone who might make you feel “bothered” besides ME.
And, no, perv boy I don’t mean “bothered” in that way.
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@Faiqa, oh, but you do make me bothered in that way. Rawr.
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Obviously, that person is a moron with the personality of a gallon of paint and the sense of humor of Pat Buchanan
Well, obviously… there’s some weird people in the world (the one outside your house)
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@DutchBitch, the world outside of my house needs to get under my control and things will be perfect!
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You radiate good nature and good energy. I remember the first time I saw you entering mine and my brother’s apartment, carrying some sort of fast food bag and wearing jean shorts. I liked you immediately! That lady has a stick up her ass.
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@cat, “carrying some sort of fast food bag” should be emblazoned on my tombstone.
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How very dare them.
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@SingleParentDad, I know. Don’t they have a copy of the Avitable rulebook?
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I wonder if it’s because you don’t fit her archetype of what a male lawyer should look like in her little world. And because she can’t figure you out, she doesn’t like you.
I bet she is a tad on the OCD side to, imagine what her underwear drawer must look like! Her partner asking her to do it doggie style, instead of the routine missionary, must send her into apoplectic fits!
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@Jennifer, great, now I have the image of her boring-as-fuck husband and her having sex. :puke:
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Lawyers/people like that–and trust me I know plenty–freak out if someone does not do ‘what’s expected” because they are little hamsters on a wheel and cannot believe that anyone would dare not be a hamster on a wheel. Mostly because they then have to accept the fact that they are nothing more than hamsters on a wheel.
Not that I’ve thought about it or anything;-)
I think you are cool.
But I don’t possibly see how Ali could have bigger–or maybe the term is lower–balls than you.
:sexytime:
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@Turnbaby, lower, no. Bigger, probably? She’s that awesome.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
Maybe someone avitaballed her.
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@SciFi Dad, that should make her like me more!
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Anyone who isn’t fond of Avitable must burn children for fun. Bitch.
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@father muskrat, she was wearing her Children Immolation Society member’s jacket when I met her.
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Honey, she dislikes you because you know EVERYTHING and obviously, she knows NOTHING!
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@metalmom, well, I am a genius.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
::hmph::
What a bitch.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I don’t even think she’s a bitch. Just such a bland, uninteresting person that she prefers bland, uninteresting people.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Sorry – I was so busy running off to grab my torches and pitchforks that I think I forgot to subscribe.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), so sweet. Can I just point you in the direction of people who deserve ass kickings?
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Wow, speaking as someone who ALWAYS takes my first impression of people and runs with it, I have no idea how she could not be fond of you! And yanno, I’m not a sycophant…I really mean it.
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@Hilly, I know you wouldn’t say it unless you meant it. Thanks!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Clearly she’s retarded.
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@Finn, clearly!
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I was going to be mean and say I’m not that fond of you, but I am, I suppose.
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@Amanda, I think you’re only fond of my testicles.
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I always assume that women who don’t like me are gay.
In other unrelated news, the world is now being overrun by lesbians. Which is cool since I like their porn.
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@Bunnylord, I like lesbian cuisine. Or is it Lebanese?
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I don’t like you, I just pretend to because I worry you’ll cry otherwise.
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@Robin, oh god, here come the waterworks!
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Whaaaa ?!
She’s a bitch. Obviously.
(Seriously- you exuded warmth when I met you. I take my first impressions very seriously.)
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@Sybil Law, I only exuded warmth because I was on fire when we first met. Remember? You peed on me to put me out. Thank you again.
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Twitter: Whatsananna
says:
Don’t worry, dear one. I am always perplexed when people don’t like me, too. Confused, even. I mean, c’mon, what’s not to like? In the short term, anyway!
I can’t imagine anyone meeting you for a short time with your grin and your “hail fellow well met” thing going on, and not liking you?
And who stops to think about if someone leaves the house enough?!?!? That’s just weird
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@Nanna, maybe she’s actually in love with me and that’s why she is so obsessed about the leaving the house thing.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
I am amazed that no one here can IMAGINE the idea of someone not liking you.
I mean, *I* like you – but I can think of plenty of reasons not to.
Next time we get together I’ll try to explain all of those reasons in further detail to you if that will help you make sense of it all. I hate to think of you walking around all confused, you know.
:batting:
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@Miss Britt, that’s just because you’re someone that people either love or hate. People just plain ol’ love me!
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Obviously she thinks that your torts are bigger than hers… therefore she is jealous with tort envy.
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@NYCWD, I prefer tortes.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Hmm .. .It’s weird cause I’ve never met this women and I don’t really like her very much already.
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@Jay, she’s just kind of boring and white-bread and pretty much absolutely forgettable.
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I agree with Britt, I can very easily see people not liking you and I’m also not sure if I believe you’re surprised.
In the case of this woman, he reasons are idiotic. But you are very opinionated and aren’t going to keep those opinions to yourself.
Shit, you almost made the waitress cry. SHE doesn’t like you.
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@Clown, I can’t. Most people do like me if I want them to.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
EVERY time you refer to yourself as self-deprecating I read it as self-defectating. No exception here.
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@Poppy, well, I do poop all by myself too!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
PS – You’re an asshole to waitstaff. They don’t like you. Somehow I’m pretty sure you’re ok with that.
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@Poppy, no, I’m not! I’m usually very nice to waiters and waitresses.
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Twitter: alimartell
says:
i’m so glad to have come to know you carnally, my friend. big smooches from canada
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@ali, are Canadian smooches worth more than American smooches?
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I told you were a d-bag, too.
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@jordie, no, you said you wanted me to teabag you.
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I totally thought you were the type of person that just didn’t care if someone didn’t like you.
I guess maybe you are a little bit like me after all.
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@Jason, I don’t care if strangers hate me or like me. Only people that I know.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Wow. Just think if Bland Vanilla Lawyer were to ever read your blog. She would probably take out a hit on you.
But that’s OK. I still love you. :hug:
Fucker.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, she’s too bland to even know that I’m talking about her.
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