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Absence apparently made the heart grow smaller

The scene was a nice dinner with Amy, Clown and Chiquita. We were discussing various fascinating topics such as home improvement projects, work-related minutiae, and possible decorations for this year’s Halloween theme for the party on Saturday, October 24th. And that’s when it happened:

“So,” my wife said, “I was talking to Female Lawyer Bodybuilder (names have been changed to protect the innocent) today. She’s thinking of moving back here. I asked if she had talked to Bland Vanilla Lawyer Woman since she was a good networking contact. And do you know what she said?”

“What, sweetie?” I asked, my voice sounding disingenuously intrigued.

“Well, Female Lawyer Bodybuilder said that she did speak with Bland Vanilla Lawyer Woman and that they somehow ended up talking about me at one point.”

“Mmmhmmm,” I may have mumbled while stirring my food into intriguing patterns with my fork.

“And, apparently,” Amy said, relishing every moment, “Bland Vanilla Lawyer doesn’t like you very much!” Amy’s smile mocked me devilishly.

“WHAT? How can she not like me? I’ve only met her once and that was like three years ago!”

“I know! Apparently she just thinks you’re weird and the fact that you don’t leave the house frequently is enough that she’s just ‘not that fond of you’.” This was the point that my wife cackled.

The reason that this is a big deal is that I’m the one that people like! With a few exceptions, I’m the one who gets along with new people. I’m self-deprecating, funny and charming, and people love me. It’s extremely rare for anyone to “not get me” or be “not that fond of me”.

I don’t expect everyone to like me. In fact, I’d prefer people who don’t know me to dislike me and steer clear. However, once I meet someone, if they don’t like me, this bothers me. There is only one reasonable explanation for this:

Obviously, that person is a moron with the personality of a gallon of paint and the sense of humor of Pat Buchanan.


In other Avita-news, today marks the birthday of someone that I’ve recently come to know carnally. Wait, carnally means “through her blog”, right? Anyways, she’s a control freak who hates surprises, can’t poop anywhere but home, and has a wickedly sharp sense of humor. Essentially, she’s a smaller version of me with better breasts and probably a bigger set of balls.

Happy birthday, Ali!

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67 Replies to “Absence apparently made the heart grow smaller”

  1. paige

    I cannot imagine it, someone not being fond of you. Clearly there is an error somewhere.

    I am one of those you either like or hate—and usually it is like, but the ones that hate me, boy howdy do they hate me. Like my secretary. She can so kiss my ass though

  2. Robin

    don’t expect everyone to like me. In fact, I’d prefer people who don’t know me to dislike me and steer clear. However, once I meet someone, if they don’t like me, this bothers me.

    ::smiles to self::

    I never pegged you to be this type. It’s quite endearing, actually. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Faiqa

    Bland Vanilla Lawyer is going to get cut if she doesn’t watch her ass. Aside from Britt, I’m insanely jealous of anyone who might make you feel “bothered” besides ME.

    And, no, perv boy I don’t mean “bothered” in that way.

  4. DutchBitch

    Obviously, that person is a moron with the personality of a gallon of paint and the sense of humor of Pat Buchanan

    Well, obviously… there’s some weird people in the world (the one outside your house)

  5. cat

    You radiate good nature and good energy. I remember the first time I saw you entering mine and my brother’s apartment, carrying some sort of fast food bag and wearing jean shorts. I liked you immediately! That lady has a stick up her ass.

  6. Jennifer

    I wonder if it’s because you don’t fit her archetype of what a male lawyer should look like in her little world. And because she can’t figure you out, she doesn’t like you.

    I bet she is a tad on the OCD side to, imagine what her underwear drawer must look like! Her partner asking her to do it doggie style, instead of the routine missionary, must send her into apoplectic fits!

  7. Turnbaby

    Lawyers/people like that–and trust me I know plenty–freak out if someone does not do ‘what’s expected” because they are little hamsters on a wheel and cannot believe that anyone would dare not be a hamster on a wheel. Mostly because they then have to accept the fact that they are nothing more than hamsters on a wheel.

    Not that I’ve thought about it or anything;-)

    I think you are cool.

    But I don’t possibly see how Ali could have bigger–or maybe the term is lower–balls than you.


  8. Hilly

    Wow, speaking as someone who ALWAYS takes my first impression of people and runs with it, I have no idea how she could not be fond of you! And yanno, I’m not a sycophant…I really mean it.

  9. Nanna

    Don’t worry, dear one. I am always perplexed when people don’t like me, too. Confused, even. I mean, c’mon, what’s not to like? In the short term, anyway!

    I can’t imagine anyone meeting you for a short time with your grin and your “hail fellow well met” thing going on, and not liking you?

    And who stops to think about if someone leaves the house enough?!?!? That’s just weird

  10. Miss Britt

    I am amazed that no one here can IMAGINE the idea of someone not liking you.

    I mean, *I* like you – but I can think of plenty of reasons not to.

    Next time we get together I’ll try to explain all of those reasons in further detail to you if that will help you make sense of it all. I hate to think of you walking around all confused, you know.


  11. Clown

    I agree with Britt, I can very easily see people not liking you and I’m also not sure if I believe you’re surprised.

    In the case of this woman, he reasons are idiotic. But you are very opinionated and aren’t going to keep those opinions to yourself.

    Shit, you almost made the waitress cry. SHE doesn’t like you.

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