Thanks to the Internet, (relatively) new terms have been entering the vernacular of the web. There’s texting and blogging and Twitter and Facebook and Woopra and iPhones and email, just to name a few. And these new terms in turn created new terms. Blogger friends might be called “bliends”. People who follow you on Twitter can be called “tweeps”. Et cetera ad nauseam.
With all of this new vocabulary, it’s only a matter of time until we start seeing offensive terms crop up. In order to head off the stereotypers and hatemongers at the pass, I thought I’d just go ahead and create all of these new offensive terms first. That takes away the word’s power. Right?
Here’s my list of new offensive, bigoted, racist, sexist terms for new media usage:
Twigger: (n) A person who uses Twitter to sound like an urban African American, whether or not this person actually is African American and/or from an urban setting.
Wopra: (adj) The situation when one’s search engine stats show high traffic from keywords such as “cooking pasta”, “gold chains on men”, “where to buy velour”, or “working in sanitation.”
E-tard: (n) Electronic correspondence sent in which the sender seems to quite obviously have severe mental deficiency, whether through incorrect spelling, improper grammar, or overall failure to use sentence structure, punctuation, and capitalization.
Paki-mail: (n) Electronic correspondence received in response to any customer service query made through a corporation’s website, especially when the correspondence was written or copied and pasted by someone who did not read the original query and does not have more than a basic understanding of English.
Blymie: (n) An internet journal or blog dedicated to finding examples of Anti-Semitism, no matter how far-fetched or ludicrous. Typically owned and written by someone in the jewelry, finance, or entertainment industry.
Firefags: (n) A group of individuals who are gay for Firefox.
Chinkipedia: (n) An instance where a Wikipedia page is constantly edited and censored as if subject to the whims of a communist censorship-happy government.
Cunting: (v) The act of sending a text message that dredges up past arguments between the sender and the recipient even if said arguments had already been resolved.
iHun: (n) A multimedia device that is used primarily for looking at pornography and more specifically pornography involving defecation or urination.
Blogpollack: (n) A list of blogs in the sidebar of one’s blog that one doesn’t actually read but lists because everyone else lists them.
Cyberspic: (n) The corner of the Internet reserved for people to post pictures of and discuss their vehicles outfitted with spoilers, sound systems, and racing gear worth many hundreds the times the value of the actual car.
Now, lest any of you think that I’m racist or prejudiced (unless you’re ugly, that is), let me assure you that my goal here is to take the power of these words away by creating them before some bad person could. I’m kind of a hero.
******
In other Avita-news, thanks to those of you who listened to last night’s episode of “Clearly, You’re Retarded.” Britt and I talked about the military and whether or not they are still fighting for our right to live the American way or if their mission has been co-opted by the military leaders to pursue a more imperialist agenda.
If you missed it, you can go here to listen to it, along with all of our archived shows. You can also download the mp3 or find us on iTunes by searching the podcasts for “retarded”.
Enjoy this post? Try these:The real reason the Internet got turned off in Egypt
No Internet makes Adam Something Something
The Twelve Days of Christmas
:clap: :lmao:
Awesome!
:lmao:
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@Sybil Law, you forgot to say “First comment!” too.
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@Avitable, I figured that was redundant. Also, I was scared you’d make fun of me for it and make me cry. :crying:
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Or you could just get Avitaballed. That’s offensive enough for anybody.
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@Dave2, that’s derogatory on many different levels.
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Twitter: Blogography
, May 28th, 2009: 6:24 PM
@Avitable, Well, you do seem to have a very high opinion of your balls!
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@Dave2, oh, no, I mean that Avitaballing people is derogatory (and demeaning) on many levels!
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Twitter: Blogography
, May 28th, 2009: 6:28 PM
@Avitable, Sweet! Mission Accomplished then!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I am often e-tarded.
Part of my charm.
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@B.E. Earl, I don’t think “charm” means what you think it does.
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This post provided an insane amount of entertainment for me lol, so thanks =)
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@Sarcastica, and education, right?
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
aren’t we all happy for firefox?
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@hello haha narf, oh, there’s a difference between being happy about it and being balls-to-the-wall gay for it.
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
“seems to quite obviously have severe mental deficiency, whether through incorrect spelling, improper grammar, or overall failure to use sentence structure, punctuation, and capitalization”
You just wrote a blog post about your blog? Isn’t that, like, going to make the universe implode on itself or something?
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@SciFi Dad, yes. We’re all doomed.
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Trying to comment from my phone for the third time…
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@Miss britt, well, with this comment I can see why you made the effort! Was it my site giving you trouble or the phone?
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I’m curious how Best Buy markets the iHun in its Sunday circulars.
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@kapgar, with lots of exclamation points.
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I’m proudly all :sexytime: :boobs3: :boobs4: :boobs2: for Firefox!!
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@Turnbaby, I bet Firefox appreciates that too!
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Paki-mail… totally. lol
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@cat, I only speak the truth.
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my favorite e-tard story as condensed as i can make it…
an exec at the company i was working at wandered onto the yahoo finance message boards for the company’s listing. he asked one of us nerds what ROTFLMAO, someone told him it stood for “Rolling On The Floor Floating My Asshole” which doesn’t even match the acronym. said exec then proceed to use the phrase (not the acronym) in conversation all the time, much to our amusement.
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@furiousball, um, hello? I float my asshole twice a day!
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Ah but the suffix “-fag” is already in use and does not even mean homosexual anymore. Cases in point: moralfag, oldfag, lawfag. Or have I spent too much time on 4chan now, officially?
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@Kiefer and Emo, you and your 4chan buds are obviously way ahead of the game.
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Wopra is my favorite, although (and I am going to hell for saying this), Twigger actually made me giggle.
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@Hilly, totally going to hell. I’ll save you a seat.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Dearst Mr. Avitabal,
Thank you very much for recent inqery to our most gracious company, Two For One Wife Swap, located in lovely Karachi, Pakstan.
At this time, sorowfully, we find you unable to meet our criteria. It seemed to us that your reference, Madame Faiqa Khan, has indicted that you would be unsuitable matcch for anyone besides 12 year old child bride.
We have refred you to our Saudi Afileates.
Thank you a thousand times,
Two For One Wife Swap Customer Support
** This Paki-mail is confidential and contentually sacred, any persons daring to share this mail will be stoned, flogged and then beheaded.
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@Faiqaa, you forgot the “do the needful”! And was misspelling your name intentional?
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Twitter: Faiqa
, May 28th, 2009: 5:55 PM
@Avitable, Yes. Completely intentional.
P.S. You are an annoying fuck.
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@Fwiaqiajlkjf, poor Tariq. You ARE cranky!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I certainly wasn’t offending enough people already, so thanks for that.
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@Robin, it’s important to keep your offensive quotient very high.
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Twitter: hismuse
, May 28th, 2009: 6:38 PM
@Avitable, hence why i follow your blog, i learn so much.
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OMG. I laughed so hard i peed a little bit. then i read the comments, and i am undone…note to self: next time wear a diaper reading avitable.
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@cristina, I’m a diuretic, what can I say?
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Don’t leave us in suspense over last night – were you shot?
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@Bunnylord, if you had listened, you would have found out!
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Bossy isn’t going to even try. (leaves room by backing out.)
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@BOSSY, did I make you go gray?
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@Avitable, I read your reply here as “Bossy, did I make you go GAY?”
And then I peed.
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My favorite Indo-Paki email phrase is “Please do the needful.” It is never clear what that might be however.
And I’m sticking with my terminology for people who send twitter messages – twats.
Cheers
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@David, please do the needful is a great phrase. I’ve started using it in my regular conversation now.
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Twitter: thedemig0d
says:
Twigger? Chinkipedia? Cyberspic.
THIS is why I want to marry you.
PS: I’m not exactly a firefag, more a homochrome.
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@The Demigod, homochrome – nice one. Is that the browser by Gaygle?
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Firefags was my favorite. :clap:
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@Finn, mine too. Is it bad that I make myself laugh when I reread my own stuff?
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
I’m totally offended by the word “twigger.”
Kinda. Well, maybe. I’m not sure, I’ll have to think about it.
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@Jay, me too! It’s horrible.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
I totally a Twigger, yo.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), check it, I knew dis. Holla!
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Twitter: perpstu
says:
:clap: Awesome :clap: Now I’m concerned though. I wonder what it means that the highest search term in my blog stats is “Spanx pee hole?” Hmm…..
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@perpstu, that you obviously have an awesome audience.
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you say bad words and stuff
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@Crys, I do it to save the world. I’m like Jesus.
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Now that is just freakin’ hilarious! :lmao: Thanks for the giggle today! I think I’m gonna have to come back.
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@Julie Y., my wife’s a Youngblood, too!
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I love when you equal opportunity offend.
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@always home and uncool, it’s what I do best.
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Twitter: Bellaventa
says:
The twigger one made me giggle for some reason. It wasn’t supposed to, but it did. Gah, I’m such a race traitor sometimes….
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@Robin, no, it was supposed to.
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dear round eye,
thank you for educating me on so many colorful terms of endearment.
love always,
chinkipedia
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@liquid, I’m an educator and a hero.
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Faiqaa wins for best comment.
I’m a firefaghag.
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, so you hang around people who love Firefox? That can’t be exciting.
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@Avitable, Oh please. I’m married to one. Don’t get me started. Every time he tries to convert me, I make him sleep in the guestroom.
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Good post – Now check this out: http://www.chickipedia.com/
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@Sean Avitable, meh.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
Nice. I’ve been guilty of getting Rollpussitis from time to time, an ailment with symptoms that include putting someone else’s blog on my blogroll, despite my not reading said blog, because (a) he/she asked me to do it or (b) he/she included my blog on his/her roll. Present company is excluded, of course.
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@muskrat, well, of course.
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I loved this post! It made my soda come out my nose!! (that’s the highest compliment I can give a blogger for a post.
PS- I’m a big fan of firefox
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Avitable – I thought snorting soft drinks onto the technology was banned here?
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@Kiefer and Emo, it is. She shall be summarily banned forever.
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@Janelle, there has to be a bigger compliment than that!
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Can you please create a word for people who forward reams and reams of joke emails that might possibly have been funny twenty years ago but have grown progressively lame with each circulation?
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@Fantasy Writer Guy, umm, my grandfather?
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
The power of Hilly has compelled you.
Obviously further into the dark side you were already on.
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@NYCWD, it is all thanks to Hilly.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Firefags made me LOL. And I *KNOW* how much you love it when people say LOL. I’m surprised that isn’t on the list.
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@Poppy, ooh, LOLlack! Someone who says LOL all the time because they’re too dumb to think of something else to say. You’re a genius!
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Twitter: poppycede
, May 29th, 2009: 9:05 PM
@Avitable, I live to serve. I am 0% LOLlack, btw. Total Btwain.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
I am so very much a Twigger. I’m guilty. I must confess. Fo shizzle.
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Twitter: themuskrat
, May 30th, 2009: 4:38 PM
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, I’ve noticed that. I was certain you lived in Benteen Park, just south of me, instead of in the northern suburbs with the crackers.
That reminds me of a related joke: Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? For the drizzle, my nizzle. That’s totally you.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, yo yo. Holla!
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