Clearly, You're Retarded was the radio show with Adam Avitable and Britt Reints

New ways to be offended by the Internet

Thanks to the Internet, (relatively) new terms have been entering the vernacular of the web. There’s texting and blogging and Twitter and Facebook and Woopra and iPhones and email, just to name a few. And these new terms in turn created new terms. Blogger friends might be called “bliends”. People who follow you on Twitter can be called “tweeps”. Et cetera ad nauseam.

With all of this new vocabulary, it’s only a matter of time until we start seeing offensive terms crop up. In order to head off the stereotypers and hatemongers at the pass, I thought I’d just go ahead and create all of these new offensive terms first. That takes away the word’s power. Right?

Here’s my list of new offensive, bigoted, racist, sexist terms for new media usage:

Twigger: (n) A person who uses Twitter to sound like an urban African American, whether or not this person actually is African American and/or from an urban setting.

Wopra: (adj) The situation when one’s search engine stats show high traffic from keywords such as “cooking pasta”, “gold chains on men”, “where to buy velour”, or “working in sanitation.”

E-tard: (n) Electronic correspondence sent in which the sender seems to quite obviously have severe mental deficiency, whether through incorrect spelling, improper grammar, or overall failure to use sentence structure, punctuation, and capitalization.

Paki-mail: (n) Electronic correspondence received in response to any customer service query made through a corporation’s website, especially when the correspondence was written or copied and pasted by someone who did not read the original query and does not have more than a basic understanding of English.

Blymie: (n) An internet journal or blog dedicated to finding examples of Anti-Semitism, no matter how far-fetched or ludicrous. Typically owned and written by someone in the jewelry, finance, or entertainment industry.

Firefags: (n) A group of individuals who are gay for Firefox.

Chinkipedia: (n) An instance where a Wikipedia page is constantly edited and censored as if subject to the whims of a communist censorship-happy government.

Cunting: (v) The act of sending a text message that dredges up past arguments between the sender and the recipient even if said arguments had already been resolved.

iHun: (n) A multimedia device that is used primarily for looking at pornography and more specifically pornography involving defecation or urination.

Blogpollack: (n) A list of blogs in the sidebar of one’s blog that one doesn’t actually read but lists because everyone else lists them.

Cyberspic: (n) The corner of the Internet reserved for people to post pictures of and discuss their vehicles outfitted with spoilers, sound systems, and racing gear worth many hundreds the times the value of the actual car.

Now, lest any of you think that I’m racist or prejudiced (unless you’re ugly, that is), let me assure you that my goal here is to take the power of these words away by creating them before some bad person could. I’m kind of a hero.


******

In other Avita-news, thanks to those of you who listened to last night’s episode of “Clearly, You’re Retarded.” Britt and I talked about the military and whether or not they are still fighting for our right to live the American way or if their mission has been co-opted by the military leaders to pursue a more imperialist agenda.

If you missed it, you can go here to listen to it, along with all of our archived shows. You can also download the mp3 or find us on iTunes by searching the podcasts for “retarded”.

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87 Replies to “New ways to be offended by the Internet”

  1. SciFi Dad

    “seems to quite obviously have severe mental deficiency, whether through incorrect spelling, improper grammar, or overall failure to use sentence structure, punctuation, and capitalization”

    You just wrote a blog post about your blog? Isn’t that, like, going to make the universe implode on itself or something?

  2. furiousball

    my favorite e-tard story as condensed as i can make it…

    an exec at the company i was working at wandered onto the yahoo finance message boards for the company’s listing. he asked one of us nerds what ROTFLMAO, someone told him it stood for “Rolling On The Floor Floating My Asshole” which doesn’t even match the acronym. said exec then proceed to use the phrase (not the acronym) in conversation all the time, much to our amusement.

  3. Faiqaa

    Dearst Mr. Avitabal,

    Thank you very much for recent inqery to our most gracious company, Two For One Wife Swap, located in lovely Karachi, Pakstan.

    At this time, sorowfully, we find you unable to meet our criteria. It seemed to us that your reference, Madame Faiqa Khan, has indicted that you would be unsuitable matcch for anyone besides 12 year old child bride.

    We have refred you to our Saudi Afileates.

    Thank you a thousand times,

    Two For One Wife Swap Customer Support

    ** This Paki-mail is confidential and contentually sacred, any persons daring to share this mail will be stoned, flogged and then beheaded.

  4. David

    My favorite Indo-Paki email phrase is “Please do the needful.” It is never clear what that might be however.

    And I’m sticking with my terminology for people who send twitter messages – twats.

    Cheers

  5. muskrat

    Nice. I’ve been guilty of getting Rollpussitis from time to time, an ailment with symptoms that include putting someone else’s blog on my blogroll, despite my not reading said blog, because (a) he/she asked me to do it or (b) he/she included my blog on his/her roll. Present company is excluded, of course.

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