I have plenty of good attributes. I’m smart, I’m funny, I can multitask, I speed-read, and I am a professional masturbator.
I am not, however, “handy”. My wife does all of the small projects around the house, and we’ve recently started using a handyman named Charlie for the remainder of the work that we need done (after our previous handyman disappeared). I can change a lightbulb. I can hang a picture, as long as you don’t mind it being a little crooked. And that’s about the extent of my ability in this arena.
As part of cleaning and organizing my office, I’ve been unpacking some of the statues and memorabilia that have been sitting around in boxes. One of those items is a Justice League of America prop replica of Superman’s cape and belt
The box contained two screws, two wall anchors, and the hanging stand. I hadn’t even started, and I was already stymied. Amy was out of town on business, so I called my friend “Clown”, who’s slightly handier than I am, which is like being the best ice skater in Jamaica.
“Hey, Clown, it’s Adam. So, I have a quick question. How do you put an anchor in the wall? It’s a flat one, so I can’t screw it in directly.”
“Just drill in the screw that comes with it, then take the screw out and push the anchor in.”
“Oh, that’s easy. Thanks!”
So I drill the screws into the wall (after spending 30 minutes measuring everything to try to get the holes even and the right distance apart) and then reverse the drill and pull the screws out. I take an anchor and try to fit it in the hole.
Those of you who have even a modicum of skill will know immediately that the anchor was way too big for the hole. Which makes sense – the screw is designed to fit in the anchor, so why would a hole made by the screw fit the anchor?
I did what any Avitable would do. I took a hammer and tried to hammer the anchor into the way-too-small hole. At first I tapped. Nothing. Then I tapped a bit harder. Nothing. Finally I gave it a harder tap, which (of course) made a hole in the drywall the size of the anchor, defeating the purpose of having an anchor at all.
The anchor was now stuck in the hole, flush with the wall, completely useless. I tried to pull it out, but that only pushed it in the wall a little more, and now the risk was the anchor falling into the wall completely.
What would someone handy do? I have no fucking idea. I only knew what someone like me would do. I decided that I should suck the anchor out of the wall.
I placed my mouth against the hole to make a seal and inhaled deeply. All I needed was for the anchor to pull out of the wall just enough that I could get a grip on it with my fingers. Instead, the drywall dust shot directly down my throat, focused like a laser beam through the hole in the center of the anchor.
I choked for about five minutes straight, tears pouring out of my eyes while that anchor mocked me from its position safely ensconced in the wall. Once I could breathe and talk again, I called Clown back.
“So I tried your suggestion.” I explained what just happened.
“Well, there’s only one thing left for you to do,” he said.
“What’s that?”
“Call Charlie and ask him to come over and hang up your Superman cape for you.”
“Never!”
And by God, after accidentally knocking the anchor into the wall using needle-nose pliers and then hanging the rack crooked and then putting the screws in too far apart so they wouldn’t fit properly and finally deciding that the cape was light enough that anchors were unnecessary and spending another 45 minutes on this little “home improvement project”, I finished. And it is fucking beautiful. Now I just need someone to iron it.
My finished project!
Occupy Avitable
My interview with Walter Cronkite
Well . . . ummm . . . so that backfired
A.) You are pathetic. Such a smart boy and completely useless. Amazing.
B.) You have a GONZO!!! I covet! What would I have to do for a Gonzo like that? Cuz I’m cheap and easy and my heart wants what it wants, which in this case is Gonzo.
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@Redneck Mommy, I can do plenty of other things! And not only do I have Gonzo, but I also have Kermit.
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My birthday is in one month and one day. I expect Gonzo in my mail box by July 2 or you are dead to me.
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@bluepaintred, you can order one from Sideshow Collectibles!
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@Avitable, oh I don’t know Avi, doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of you getting me a birthday present?
I will accept 30 flamingos in my front yard wearing depends and leaning on canes … Just make sure you get the right day
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
So you couldn’t just google “how to use a wall anchor”?
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@Amanda, I did. All the instructions said “Drill a hole the size of the anchor.” And that was what I didn’t understand!
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
If I owned that cape, the last thing I would do would be to nail it to the wall.
I would never take it off.
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@Dave2, how do you not have one, that’s the real question.
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Twitter: chrissi_johnson
says:
Gonzo is cute and all..
But – I want that Yoda..
Oh – and your home improvement project story?
priceless.
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@Chrissi, Yoda is awesome.
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Wow. I must admit that’s…impressive.
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@Lexi, I don’t think impressive is the word you’re looking for!
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You’re such a girl, Adam!
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@Kris, a girl would be able to do this. I’m more of an amoeba.
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It tickles me that you can’t do home improvement stuff. I have no idea why I find it so hilarious, but I do.
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@Sarah, because otherwise I am a perfect human being.
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I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now, and I would have thought that, especially after the dolphin porn, you would know a thing or two about screws of all kinds. But at least your lack of experience screwing things keeps your fans waiting for the next exciting story.
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@Kirsten, I’m always looking for new and interesting ways to screw something.
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Right up to the sucking part (it’s my personal peeve, I don’t suck anchors) I would’ve matched your attempts…
Dunno what I would’ve done after that really… probably pout at the first man that came along…
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@DutchBitch, your son can’t do this stuff yet?
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I feel all chokey now after reading the sucking bit. It’s like I could feel it. Ugh.
You just made me appreciate how handy my husband is. He’s not super handy, but by comparison he’s pretty good haha
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@Breigh, a 12-year old girl is a better handyman compared to me!
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:cocksuck2:
You got skillz, Avitable.
Good to know.
:lmao:
(You should’ve just bought a telephone booth and hung it on a hanger in the corner. No screws, no sucking! Me? Genius.)
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@Sybil Law, you’re a genius at sucking, is that what you’re saying?
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Your office looks great! So clean and organized… I’m just glad you didn’t inhale/ swallow that anchor. By Jove, man, stay away from the home improvement projects!
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@cat, yeah, I just couldn’t pay somebody to hang a geeky thing like a Superman cape.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
If I were there, I’d totally tug on your cape. You ain’t no Leroy Brown.
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@father muskrat, no, but I am James Brown. And nobody touches the cape.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Wait – you ended up hanging it up with NO anchors?
*sigh*
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@Miss Britt, it’s just a cape. How heavy can it really be?
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holy crap, that Gonzo doll is so awesome, I nearly forgot about all the chickens he banged
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@furiousball, he does love some chickens.
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Wow I feel like I just read the Floridian version of Midnight Cowboy. …that part where you sucked an anchor, then swallowed what shot out into your mouth…? Yup, you knew what you had to do, Cowboy.
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@cris, next time, it will cost you.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
And I thought I was bad, but then, I have my own handy man =) Manly Man the Handy Man.
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@Robin, me too. My wife is our handyman!
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Please, please, please do not try to iron the cape by yourself…that would require operating an electrical device that is very HOT! You can’t suck a hot iron if a piece of the cape should melt to it….
Now I want video of you sucking on the wall…
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@trishk, you’ll have to wait until the glory hole video surfaces.
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Seeing as you’re not “handy,” then your masturbation skills are especially impressive!
And I’m also impressed that someone who isn’t handy knows what (and the name for) needle-nose pliers are.
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@Dawn, oh, I know the names of most of the tools. I just haven’t a clue how to use them properly.
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It looks good…even better in person. I can’t believe that I know more about home improvement than you do. Oh waiiit, yes I can.
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@Hilly, you do not! Do you?
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I think you should just choose to wear it at all times. Now you just need GL’s ring, Flash’s mask, Batman’s utility belt, and Wonder Woman’s lasso (you already have the boobs).
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@Grant, I have a GL ring and lantern, too.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I can’t believe you don’t use that cape in the bedroom.
“I’m Superman, baby…you like that? Ugghhhhhyyyyooooowww…dammit! Foiled by my super-speed again! Sorry, honey.”
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@B.E. Earl, who needs a cape for that to happen?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
It looks great! And I can’t believe there is someone on this planet who is even less handy than *my* husband. Can’t wait to tell him…
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@Faiqa, well, I didn’t grow up with servants, so I doubt that I’m less handy than he is!
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Twitter: Faiqa
, June 2nd, 2009: 7:16 PM
@Avitable, See, the fact that he did grow up with servants and is handier than you is my point… therein lies the subtle insult.
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@Faiqa, he and I should have a “handy-off”.
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
You really should’ve just called me. Geesh.
Your office looks like the Nerd Mecca or something.
P.S. http://www.ehow.com/how_8569_install-screws-anchors.html
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), yeah, that article doesn’t answer the question that I couldn’t figure out!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
1. What Amanda said.
2. Is the cape washable? If so, get Downy Wrinkle Release spray. Or you could steam it if your iron has steam.
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@Finn, they all say “drill a hole large enough for the anchor to fit in.” That was my big question!
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OMG!!! i have Gonzo-envy! that thing is awesome!
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@cristina, yes it is. So is my Kermit!
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I also told you to use one of those wall ice picks… Whatever they are called. For some reason I have a few of them and you seem to have none. Very easy!
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@Clown, that’s because you order things from TV. Crazy bastard.
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It’s because I buy tools that I forget I already have.
I don’t buy tools from tv… Although I do want that saw that cuts the car in half. I almost ordered it a few weeks ago. I also want a Little Giant.
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@Clown, you’ve never bought any of that stuff from TV?
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@Avitable, Nope, no tools. I stay away from expensive items from infomercials since I’ve heard nightmare stories of people trying to return shit they bought from tv.
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Hahaha, funny.
My 13yr old son would love this room!!
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@J from Ireland, I’ll be doing a full video tour of it once I get it fully organized.
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You need to hire me as your handywoman – I have power tools and know how to use them. :dance:
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@Tug, it’s a deal!
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If it is possible, you are more useless than me. Sucking the wall dude? I would have just hammered it in, and got some poly to fill it in. No I wouldn’t, I would have called my dad.
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@SingleParentDad, but I needed the anchor!
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@Avitable, Do you want my dad’s number?
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@SingleParentDad, yes. Do you think he’ll fly to the US?
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@Avitable, Probably not. But he’s never been offered Smurf porn as DIY payment, so you never know.
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You keep saying that they say to “drill a hole large enough for the anchor to fit in” but that *that* is your question?
I don’t understand your question. Maybe a picture of the anchor would help, ’cause it seems like once it was flush with the wall it was in place to do it’s job. Unless it was just too loose at that point, of course.
I do wonder what you viewed as the optimum result of trying to suck the anchor out of the wall would have been….
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@Ren, my question is this. A wall anchor is designed to fit into the wall so that when you put the screw in and tighten it, it expands behind the hole, which spreads out the load and allows you to hang something heavy on something flimsy, right?
But if the hole you drill is the same size as the anchor, how does it work properly? And how do you know what size drill bit to use to get the right size?
I know some anchors have a lip on them, but this one didn’t. Here’s a picture of it: (http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2481/3590122856_5fa7a35dae_o.jpg).
And I thought that if I could suck the anchor out of the wall a little, I could get a grip on it and pull it out, then reuse it somewhere else.
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@Avitable, well, I presume it is because the screw hole in the anchor is smaller than the screw, so the anchor is forced to expand larger than the hole.
As for spreading out the load, I doubt that happens unless it is one of those accordion anchors where the screw actually causes the anchor to fold in behind the sheet rock. Rather, I figure this type of anchor is just to make it less likely that the screw will simply rip out of the sheet rock. Not really for particularly heaven items.
Of course, I’m hardly handy myself. There’s a good chance that I would’ve just tossed the anchors aside from the get-go.
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Twitter: s_csr
, June 2nd, 2009: 4:04 PM
@Ren, ::ahem:: You’re right regarding the anchors. They are more to protect the drywall than anything….unless they are the butterfly ones that open up once in the hole – those are the ones for heavy stuff.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), yes, butterfly — that’s the name I couldn’t think of when I mentioned “accordion” and “fold in behind the sheet rock”. Thanks!
And I now see that I said “heaven” instead of “heavy”. I’m sure there’s an insight into my psyche there, but I have no idea what.
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@Ren, and this is why I have a handyman. Too confusing!
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Hey did you have any extra parts left over?
You know a project is never done right unless you have extra parts! At least thats what my husband tells me..
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@Starfish, I did indeed have extra parts left over. I must have done it right!
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Good grief. You’re even worse off than my husband (@JordaNinja) when it comes to home improvements. It’s a good thing I’m a pretty self-sufficient gal. Sorry to hear you filled your poor lungs with gypsum.
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@Atomic Bombshell, gypsum? Is that what that drywall dusty stuff is called?
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Your playroom is cleaner than my boys’ playroom, but I think they might be more handy than you… they can remove doors off hinges in seconds flat.
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@Undomestic Diva, I just barge through the doors dressed like a giant Kool-Aid pitcher and say “Ohh, YEAHHHHHH.”
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
This explains a lot to me.
btw, Jim Croce warned you. Code word for “wallhang” back in the 30s was “tug on”.
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@whall, Jim said I’m on what? :lmao:
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@whall, who’s Jim Croce again?
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
, June 3rd, 2009: 9:46 AM
@Avitable, if you’re joking with me, good one.
If you’re not, it explains EVEN MORE.
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@whall, I mean, I’ve heard the name, and I’m pretty sure he’s a singer, but I couldn’t name a song of his for the life of me and I don’t know if he’s solo or part of a band. Or even alive.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
, June 3rd, 2009: 10:22 AM
@Avitable,
And they say you don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit into the wind
You don’t pull the mask off an ‘ole Lone Ranger
And you don’t mess around with Jim
read the complete story at http://www.superseventies.com/sl_youdontmessaround.html
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Twitter: s_csr
, June 3rd, 2009: 10:29 AM
@whall, ::ahem:: I love that song.
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@whall, right up until this point, I didn’t realize the error in father muskrat’s reference to tugging the cape and Leroy Brown. But after reading the chorus I was wondering why it would mention Jim instead of Leroy. Had to look it up to verify that these are two different Jim Croce songs.
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I think I’m pretty challenged when it’s comes to home improvement projects. Just ask my wife how much I bitch and moan when asked to do some simple project.
Nice cape. Now go find a phonebooth and film yourself changing into that.
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@martymankins, so you want to see me naked, is that what you’re saying?
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The previous handyman disappeared? Where did you hide the body?
How do you ever get the props built for Avitaween?
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@Little Miss Sunshine State, we build the props by hand, but they definitely take some effort. And could never be used in real life.
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Twitter: SwanShadow
says:
You are indeed my brother from another mother.
Unhandy comic-loving geeks unite!
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@SwanShadow, together we shall rule the world. Or at least the multiverse.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Heather’s simple steps to hanging a Superman cape in one’s office:
1) Throw away said anchors and screws.
2) Purchase a coat rack.
3) Hang the cape on the coat rack so it looks like Superman just came in for an afternoon of work at the Justice League’s Watchtower and hung his cape up in his office.
Yep. That’s how I roll.
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@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, where were you when I needed help, hm?
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holy shit! that made me laugh so hard i almost got fired for reading blogs at work! TOTALLY worth it!!
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@bloggin bama girl, my blog is definitely better than a job.
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Twitter: rachael1013
says:
For a minute I thought you were writing about something I did.
I want to come and spend an hour in that room. It looks a little bit like the kind of room I might have for myself if my house wasn’t the size of a VW bus.
Next time, go to the As Seen on TV store & get a Hercules Hook: http://www.herculeshook.com/
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@Rachael, yeah, someone else recommended those, too. I’ll have to try them.
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You need to purchase a number of differently sized drill bits. You drill a hole with the electric screwdriver until the anchor fits in and shove it in. Then you screw in the screw. It’s all about having the correct tools at your disposal. Without the drill bits and electric screwdriver, you’re in trouble. Suck the anchor from the wall?!? You would need to put the cape on to have that much sucking power! Inhaling drywall sounds dangerous.
Our house is riddled with holes from multiple attempts at getting anchors lined up properly for the object we’re hanging. Hanging things is a task we try to avoid. What to do with the anchors in the wall after the object has been removed is something I need to address. In our previous homes we plastered over it, but it looked crappy. I don’t want to do the same thing in this home. I’ve just been ignoring the issue.
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@Valerie, yes, but the problem is trying to find the right-sized drill bit. I’m horrible at that.
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My husband may or may not be coming to a) Steal that hot bastard right off the wall and b) mock you while rubbing his balls on your office door handle.
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@Anissa@Hope4Peyton, my balls were there first!
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OMG, you’re 12! I bet She Hulk is your favorite comic. Cute Hubby is also 12, and has every cool comic know to man. (the cape is mega-cool) xo
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@diane, actually, I’m more of a DC fan. And I’ve got about 20,000 comics.
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Just remember Adam, when in doubt, go to the hammer. Hammers are the answer to half of life’s problems. The only tool anyone really NEEDS — is a hammer.
Cool cape. : )
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@John, the hammer caused all the problems. Damn hammer.
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Well first…WOW! The sucking it from the wall was an intersting choice. But I will agree with some other comments…you have Gonzo!!! Totally awesome! And of course the Yoda is pretty cool too!
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@SuvvyGirl, Gonzo is awesome.
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If all else fails, use a drill bit. They are rather handing at drilling holes.
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@Tiffany, except I couldn’t figure out which size!
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