The shallow movie critic
Who says you can't judge a book by its cover? I'll demonstrate the fallacy of that statement by writing completely accurate movie synopses based solely on the images on the poster.

This guy works for his dad's boating supply store company, and his job sucks. One day, he just walks out of his job, even though his dad wants him to be the manager and eventually the owner of the store. He hops in his car, still wearing his life jacket uniform, and travels cross country to pursue his dream of being the toughest guy in the world. He practices being the toughest by timing himself on his watch while he straddles fire and lets his crotch roast until he can't stand it anymore. His parents don't understand or approve, but he knows that he has to pursue his dream of being the toughest dude ever, even if it means that he turns his "Back to the Future".

A severely retarded boy has an imaginary friend named Balboa. Balboa and he get in a lot of trouble, and their relationship goes from very beneficial to somewhat rocky. As he grows up, his parents take him to psychologist after psychologist, hoping that he will be able to rid himself of his imaginary friend and live a quasi-normal life. As he gets older, his parents die and he goes to stay in a mental health facility, where he finally finds inspiration from and a mentor in an elderly mental patient. He escapes one day and fights back against Balboa, triumphing over his demons.

These four undertakers are walking home from work one day when they hear some puppies crying. They run to the nearby reservoir, where they see a canvas bag filled with dogs who are drowning. They rescue the bag and all of the dogs except for one is dead. The survivor is barely hanging in there, and the men spend time rehabilitating the dog, even though one leg never seems to work. They decide to investigate and find out that the person who dumped the dogs in the reservoir breeds dogs for dogfighting and dumps the runts of the litter. The men sit around and have a deep conversation about whether or not human life is worth more than canine life. Finally, they decide that the lives of all of these dogs is worth more than the one guy, and they go to kill him. He has a gun that he pulls on them, and right as he's about to shoot them, the dog that they saved uses all of his strength, jumps in front of the bullet, and saves the men at the cost of his own life.

In the far future, after humans have died off, robots rule the world. One robot is very depressed because he is flawed and keeps shorting out. All of the other robots make fun of him, so he decides to kill himself by throwing himself off a cliff. As he's about to commit robotcide, he starts to short out again, but instead of hurting him, it makes him into a super robot that can control the weather. He decides to kill the other robots who mocked him and floats on a cloud back to robot headquarters, shooting lightning bolts left and right. When he gets there, a small child robot asks him why he's going to kill everyone, and he realizes that he should use his powers for good instead.

On the day of his wedding, the main character's bride-to-be is murdered in cold blood. Still wearing his tuxedo, he traces the evidence back to a conspiracy involving the bride's father and the owner of the biggest casino in town. Helped only by a sultry FBI agent who is fed up with the blind eye her boss is giving the murder, he takes on the entire casino syndicate in a battle royale, but no amount of vengeance will cure his broken heart.
Those seem valid
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@Amanda, I should be an official movie critic.
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HA! Ive seen all of these movies, and I am sad to say your previews are all WRONG
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
LOLz
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@bluepaintred, nooo. They are? Damn.
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A severely retarded boy.
I know you just threw that line in to piss me off you jughead.
Gah.
Although, that movie synopsis sounds more interesting than most of the other movies I've seen lately.
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@Redneck Mommy, well, wait a second. I was talking about someone who was actually clinically retarded, so can't I use retarded at that point?
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Sorry. I lost my train of thought when I got to Daniel Craig.
Did you say something about robots?
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@harmzie, have you seen Layer Cake?
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You make it really hard to hate you, you know that?
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@Mr Lady, you just make it really hard.
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@Avitable, Outstanding.
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So what you're saying is that your sex toys synopses are more accurate than your movies synopses.
<~~~ Not surprised.
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@LeSombre, yes. Exactly.
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Wait. I thought the last one was about some dude named for an engine who's obsessed with protecting mattresses. No?
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@father muskrat, okay, you lost me. I've been trying to figure it out.
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@Avitable, I thought you were a fan of Diesel at Mattress Police! Maybe just his caption contests? http://www.mattresspolice.com/
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:lmao:
Can't even think of anything to say! Rocky was my favorite…
:lmao:
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@Sybil Law, doesn't the photo look like he's mentally disabled?
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Hi-larious. I hope the actor who plays the severely retarded boy doesn't go "full retard"… he'll never win an Oscar that way!
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@cat, this is true and has been significantly documented.
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thank god that robot didn't know karate
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@furiousball, I know, right?
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Adam,
Tried to email you to ask if you might consider donating something but can't find your email address!! Instead, leaving a link to today's post. Maybe you'll take a sec and read it???
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/2009/06/spilling-beans.html
Hallie
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It may be the having no sleep thing,
but I laughed out loud way too much reading this.
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@jordie, that's the whole point! I am here for your amusement.
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I just got Short Circuit today for €1,50 while I was out buying printer paper. Got What's Eating Gilbert Grape and Neverending Story as well. Bargain!
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@Breigh, totally worth every penny and then some.
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Evil, weather-controlling robots.
Now there is a movie I would watch!
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@B.E. Earl, it's like a hybrid of Superman 3 and Transformers.
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Poster artists are incompetent.
Obviously.
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@NYCWD, well, Drew Struzan is pretty awesome.
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I worry about you sometimes.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), me too. Me. Too.
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SHUT UP. we are total twins.
I also wrote about BTTF today
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@ali, get out of my head! And into my pants.
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Uncanny.
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@Finn, indubitably.
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From now on I'll just look at the posters in the lobby and save myself the cost of a ticket.
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@Grant, good plan. Frugal and smart!
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Those puppies in Reservoir Dogs were so damn cute. Even cuter than Benji.
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@Jay, but not as cute as Hooch.
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Heh- This is the most clever review of a movie I've ever read. Also? If I weren't married and into white guys, I'd be a Daniel Craig stalker. Yum-mee.
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@Faiqa, you're allowed to stalk people even if you're married. It's a rule!
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(insert Avitable header image here)
The Shallow Blog Critic
——————————–
An avid ice-cream eater, Avitable non-chalantly lets one loose in the leather-equipped PR jeep of Adolph Hitler, prompting the unlikely laugh from the Fuehrer. As a result, the Nazi leader surrupticiously pushes a button to his left on the door panel, signaling to his second in command standing outside the car not to snipe a bullet into Avitable's brain for failing to share his waffle-cone, a delicacy formerly banned in Germany. The soldier then signals the sniper to hold his fire, but the sniper misunderstands the hand motion for an ancient German come-on and is so overcome with emotion for his seargent-in-command that he moves to wipe a tear in his eye and accidentally fires his weapon. That action signifies the end of this blog. In the short animated sequel, we witness the bullet actually penetrating the skull and then when people start whining and crying, they are immediately scolded for being too sensitive. Also, the answer to a series-long mystery is revealed; namely, the exact length of the Avitable tail, captured in this photo just above his hands over to the left.
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@whall, that doesn't sound like a good blog at all!
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Sad as it seems, most of your synopses were better than the actual movies themselves. I wanna see that Short Circuit now; it sounds like the Brothers Grimm version of Wall-E.
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@Elizabeth Kaylene, no way – the actual movies are classics!
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Oh! Oh! Do Twilight! PLEEEEEASEE?
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@Karen Sugarpants, I actually tried to write one for that poster, but it's such a boring poster, I couldn't.
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I want to buy a ticket to one-day-inside-Adam's-brain. Please.
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@maggie, dammit, that's what my blog is!
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P.S. :boobs3:
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I was so sad at the end of Reservoir Dogs when they had to put Mr. Yellow down with a shotgun, because he was rabid.
Mark McGwire's one-line review of Back to the Future: "I'm not here to talk about the past."
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@SwanShadow, Mark McGwire? Was he a St. Louis Cardinal?
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You are most entertaining when you are bored-creative.
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@Poppy, is that what this is?
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