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The shallow movie critic

Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover? I’ll demonstrate the fallacy of that statement by writing completely accurate movie synopses based solely on the images on the poster.

Back to the Future

This guy works for his dad’s boating supply store company, and his job sucks. One day, he just walks out of his job, even though his dad wants him to be the manager and eventually the owner of the store. He hops in his car, still wearing his life jacket uniform, and travels cross country to pursue his dream of being the toughest guy in the world. He practices being the toughest by timing himself on his watch while he straddles fire and lets his crotch roast until he can’t stand it anymore. His parents don’t understand or approve, but he knows that he has to pursue his dream of being the toughest dude ever, even if it means that he turns his “Back to the Future”.

Rocky Balboa

A severely retarded boy has an imaginary friend named Balboa. Balboa and he get in a lot of trouble, and their relationship goes from very beneficial to somewhat rocky. As he grows up, his parents take him to psychologist after psychologist, hoping that he will be able to rid himself of his imaginary friend and live a quasi-normal life. As he gets older, his parents die and he goes to stay in a mental health facility, where he finally finds inspiration from and a mentor in an elderly mental patient. He escapes one day and fights back against Balboa, triumphing over his demons.

Reservoir Dogs

These four undertakers are walking home from work one day when they hear some puppies crying. They run to the nearby reservoir, where they see a canvas bag filled with dogs who are drowning. They rescue the bag and all of the dogs except for one is dead. The survivor is barely hanging in there, and the men spend time rehabilitating the dog, even though one leg never seems to work. They decide to investigate and find out that the person who dumped the dogs in the reservoir breeds dogs for dogfighting and dumps the runts of the litter. The men sit around and have a deep conversation about whether or not human life is worth more than canine life. Finally, they decide that the lives of all of these dogs is worth more than the one guy, and they go to kill him. He has a gun that he pulls on them, and right as he’s about to shoot them, the dog that they saved uses all of his strength, jumps in front of the bullet, and saves the men at the cost of his own life.

Short Circuit

In the far future, after humans have died off, robots rule the world. One robot is very depressed because he is flawed and keeps shorting out. All of the other robots make fun of him, so he decides to kill himself by throwing himself off a cliff. As he’s about to commit robotcide, he starts to short out again, but instead of hurting him, it makes him into a super robot that can control the weather. He decides to kill the other robots who mocked him and floats on a cloud back to robot headquarters, shooting lightning bolts left and right. When he gets there, a small child robot asks him why he’s going to kill everyone, and he realizes that he should use his powers for good instead.

Casino Royale

On the day of his wedding, the main character’s bride-to-be is murdered in cold blood. Still wearing his tuxedo, he traces the evidence back to a conspiracy involving the bride’s father and the owner of the biggest casino in town. Helped only by a sultry FBI agent who is fed up with the blind eye her boss is giving the murder, he takes on the entire casino syndicate in a battle royale, but no amount of vengeance will cure his broken heart.

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56 Replies to “The shallow movie critic”

  1. whall

    (insert Avitable header image here)

    The Shallow Blog Critic
    ——————————–

    An avid ice-cream eater, Avitable non-chalantly lets one loose in the leather-equipped PR jeep of Adolph Hitler, prompting the unlikely laugh from the Fuehrer. As a result, the Nazi leader surrupticiously pushes a button to his left on the door panel, signaling to his second in command standing outside the car not to snipe a bullet into Avitable’s brain for failing to share his waffle-cone, a delicacy formerly banned in Germany. The soldier then signals the sniper to hold his fire, but the sniper misunderstands the hand motion for an ancient German come-on and is so overcome with emotion for his seargent-in-command that he moves to wipe a tear in his eye and accidentally fires his weapon. That action signifies the end of this blog. In the short animated sequel, we witness the bullet actually penetrating the skull and then when people start whining and crying, they are immediately scolded for being too sensitive. Also, the answer to a series-long mystery is revealed; namely, the exact length of the Avitable tail, captured in this photo just above his hands over to the left.

  2. SwanShadow

    I was so sad at the end of Reservoir Dogs when they had to put Mr. Yellow down with a shotgun, because he was rabid.

    Mark McGwire’s one-line review of Back to the Future: “I’m not here to talk about the past.”

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