Yesterday, David Carradine was found dead, hanging in his closet. Today, I present you with a very special interview that took place almost immediately before the Kung Fu master committed suicide.
Me: Hi, Bill.
DC: Please don’t call me that.
DC: No. Those are characters. I am simply (waves his hand) David.
Me: Will you at least call me grasshopper?
DC: Asshopper is more like it.
Me: Now that we’ve dispensed with the pleasantries, let’s get to the interview. Were you glad that Quentin Tarantino gave you a chance to be relevant to anyone under the age of 40?
Me: I mean, none of us who were born in the 70s or later ever watched “Kung Fu”. There was that new show, “Kung Fu: The Legend Continues”, starring that other guy, but it was on USA or something and total cheese. Until Kill Bill, nobody my generation knew who the hell you were.
DC: I’ve been in hundreds of movies and television shows, though.
Me: Yeah, that’s true, but c’mon. I’d never even heard of “Shane” before I looked up your profile on IMDB. And with the exception of random guest appearances on popular television shows, you haven’t exactly shown up in high quality material.
DC: I was nominated for an Emmy for “Kung Fu” and a Golden Globe for “Kill Bill”!
Me: Nominated, but didn’t win. That’s like being someone’s second choice for a prom date.
DC: You are an insufferable young man.
Me: I’m not seeing a crack in the laid-back, lackadaisical David Carradine attitude, am I?
DC: Fuck off, you’re baiting me.
Me: I’m just trying to figure out why you squandered your new fame after Kill Bill. John Travolta was a has-been, too, and Pulp Fiction led to his Golden Globe win for Get Shorty, plus some excellent roles in Primary Colors, the Thin Red Line and Be Cool (we’ll forget about Battlefield Earth). You went from Kill Bill to an animated movie called “Hair High”? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?
DC: (sobs) YES, OKAY? I’m too laid-back! I just take whatever comes along, and hang out in Thailand and have nothing but Buddhist teachings and auto-erotic asphyxiation to keep me happy. My film career just pays for my opium habit.
Me: That’s what I thought. Looks like it’s suicide again for you!
DC: What? (looks at me crazily)
Me: Oh, it’s just a quote from The Simpsons. Moe gets rescued by a gay man and says that it looks like his only out is suicide “again”.
DC: Get out! (sobs furiously)
Me: Thank you for the interview. I hope this is only a valley for you and that you still have a peak left in your career. I mean, I know it’s unlikely and all, but still, I hope it works out for you and people actually remember your name.