Yesterday, after Apple’s exciting World Wide Developers Conference (shouldn’t it be Developers’ Conference? Is it a conference for the developers or comprised of developers or is it both?), the internet was abuzz with news of the latest iPhone, due June 19th, which is of course the coolest piece of hardware since the vibrator.
The newest iPhone, dubbed 3GS (I’m assuming because it was invented by 3 Gay Swedes), has a bevy of new features that were available on other smartphones years ago, including:
- 3 megapixel camera that finally has autofocus;
- Video capture;
- Voice control;
- Encryption; and
- Tethering so you can share your internet connection with your computer (although AT&T doesn’t allow it).
Every tech blog, every geek, and every Mac whore is blogging about this as you read this. What you won’t read, however, are the top 10 things that your iPhone still won’t do. And that’s where I come in.
- Lick your nipples. After the iMasturbate app debacle in 2007 when 3,000 women and men were admitted to emergency rooms across the world because their iPhones slipped out of their grip and became lodged within various orifices, Apple has declared a moratorium on all sexually gratifying apps.
- Prevent obesity. A focus group done in early 2009 demonstrated that if the iPhone shocked a user if it detected the presence of a calorie and carb-laden food product, rather than encouraging healthy eating, iPhone users would simply “forget” to take their phone with them when going out to restaurants, sitting down at the table, or sneaking chocolate cake at four in the morning.
- Fly. The original concept, iJet, was designed to allow the user to hover in the air at a height of four feet off the ground for about three minutes, using newly invented repulsor rays. However, this resulted in the iPhone 3GS being six feet tall and weighing in around 1400 pounds. Plus the camera still sucked so you couldn’t even take any good pictures while you were flying.
- Send and receive smells. ISniffer was scrapped once Apple realized that 98.9% of all smells sent and received would be farts, armpits, burps, and poopy diapers.
- Prescribe medication. While it seemed like a radically progressive concept, this feature that drew blood, analyzed it, and prescribed medication directly to your nearest Walgreens or CVS had a few bugs. First, the cost of replacing the syringe every time was cost-prohibitive. Secondly, the stringent laws against prescriptions in the US had yet to be circumvented. Finally, it resulted in the iPhones becoming vampires, bursting into flames when in the sun and sentiently drinking blood at night, until Apple created iHelsing to destroy all of the surviving infected iPhones.
- Prevent fashion mistakes. Apparently, creating an orbital scanner on the front of the phone that will assess your body type, color choices, hair, and accessories, judge you, and provide you with an image of Tim Gunn clucking his tongue disapprovingly at your fashion disaster will result in an increase in suicides among women aged 21-47, and the number of male iPhone users will dwindle to that of the male viewers of a Lifetime movie.
- Read your mind. iKreskin was sent back to the drawing board after research found that users who tried the psychic function began suggesting songs to their friends, attempting to make themselves smaller by drawing their fingers together on their stomachs, and drawing a line across their body in an attempt to remove their clothing. This function will be in a later version once programmers can figure out how to make the psychic connection only effective from the user to the iPhone rather than a two-way link.
- Keep you from typing like a moron. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Apple has decided to let people look like idiots by substituting numbers for words and by typing things like “LOL”, “ur”, “wut”, and “LMAO”.
- Stop your kids from misbehaving. iTaser, iLeash, iGag, and iParent were all scrapped at the drawing board once Apple realized that spoiled rotten little shithead kids will be the first ones to get brand new iPhones, iPods, and iTouches.
- Cure pancreatic cancer. When asked for comment on this missing function, Steve Jobs simply stated, “I am optimistic that our brilliant programmers and researches will have this issue ironed out within the next six to eight months.”