The lucky world of the motherfucker

It’s day two at ConFab, and even though my blog is a bit broken right now, it still works enough to appreciate and show the love to my next guest poster. When I first saw comments by Mr. Lady, I wasn’t sure if it was a man who was a mom or a mother who thought like a guy. And it wasn’t until I purchased the DVD of her annual donkey show in Tijuana that I learned the truth. And now she’s hear to share some truthiness with you.

Avitable graciously offered me a little slice of heaven his blog for the day, and told me I could do whatever I wanted to it.

I can’t remember the last time I got such an offer. How could I resist, really? But then I remembered that he has a blog on which he waxes about the invitingness (is to a word), or lack there-of, of plastic blow up girls’ anal cavities. I have a blog where I worry about whether I’ve caught corner of my left eye cancer or not. We don’t exactly have a ton of things in common, and so our readerships most likely don’t either, and so I am totally fucked because I said I’d do this for him and now I have to and you all are going to stone him for it so maybe I should just talk about Jehovah or something.

Or I could write what I know. And what I know is motherfuckers.

People like to call Avitable a motherfucker, a lot, but the god’s honest truth is that he isn’t. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever once fucked anyone’s mom. And it’s a damn shame, that, because god lawdy that boy is missing out. There is nothing in the world more fun than fucking moms, this I know for sure.

Now, you may think that I’m just saying that to make myself feel better, to somehow reconcile myself to the fact that I’ve had kids for 11 years and have 15 more to go before the last one goes to college. You may think that I’m just some elitist mother fighting for the rights of womynkind who thinks her shit doesn’t stink, but you’d be wrong. I know my shit stinks, and so does everyone who stood within a 5 foot radius of my birthing bed. Also, I conducted an independent survey of several married, nice, and let’s face it, dead sexy male bloggers with kids and they unanimously agreed with me…moms are way better in the sack.

Why? Well, for starters, once you’ve pooped on a table in front of your husband and your doctor and god and everyone while pushing an entire live human out of you, well, there’s really nothing left to ever feel ashamed about doing. EVER. And once you’ve overcome the poop boundary and the shame factor associated with it, well, you know. We’ll probably let you have your fun; it really doesn’t matter to us anymore. Worse things have happened, and at least that way we’re pretty sure you won’t knock us up again.

Also, once you’ve had someone’s shoulders catapult out of your vagina, there are precious few things left in the world you can’t fit up in there. And after you have a midwife, three student ob’s, a pediatrician, 3 adult cardiologists, 5 pediatric cardiologists, 4 student cardiologists, 4 members of the NICU team and your mother in law all stick their faces in between your legs at the same time while the whole area looks like a rotten grapefruit, you stop being so particular about who sees what on you and when.

Many girls are intimidated by lingerie, so maybe you can’t get your lady-friend to wear the Frederick’s bra with the nipple holes, but she’ll wear her nursing bra. Same thing. And I’m told that breast pumps make your cock look huge.

A mom will always appreciate your, “This is my Pokemon Evolved Form” jokes. Or at least she’ll convince you she does. A mom is a master at feigning interest in things; teletubbies, Dora the Explorer, how you can chop a worm in half and it will still live. A mother has to convince every child around her that what they are saying and doing is the single greatest thing on earth, and don’t think that mastery of faking it doesn’t translate into other aspects of her life, kiddos. You won’t have to think about that, though….you’ll never know.

A mom can swallow anything after having swallowed someone else’s vomit, catch any old thing flung in her direction after having caught someone else’s vomit, and when you’re finished, a mom can clean her own face with nothing more than her own thumb and some spit. Better than a Mr Clean Magic Eraser, for reals.

And most importantly, when you’re really bad, no one appreciates a good spanking more than a mom does.

54 thoughts on “The lucky world of the motherfucker”

  1. Dying of laughter.

    That’s right baby. I’m the best fucking lay out here cuz I’ve pooped on a table and birthed three babies.

    To make it even kinkier, my last kid’s head was so damn big it got stuck in my twat and they had to break my pelvic bones to pry that fucker free.

    There is nothing more degrading than that. Knowing your cooter had to be smashed because it couldn’t even squeeze a kid out.

    After that, there is no reason NOT to put my ankles behind my ears and smile purdee for my husband.

    1. @amy @ bitchin’ wives club, it’s surprisingly hard for me to say cock anymore. Especially since we spend all day trying to say anything but that. Currently, we’re holding with Weinerschnitzel. It works for us.

  2. Hey, those guys were all in my delivery room too–they get around!

    Hey, how’s developing a vaginal hematoma b/c your kid scraped you on the way out, having surgery to remove it, then getting a staph infection and landing back in the hospital for a week sound for embarrassing beyond belief and badass all at the same time?

  3. p.s.

    I don’t mean to be a grammar nazi because my blog is riddled with misspellings (that’s probably another one), typos and bad grammar, but I never thought I’d see the day when Avitable would have a typo:

    “And now she’s hear to share some truthiness with you.”

    here/ hear… our Holy One is human after all!

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