It’s day two at ConFab, and even though my blog is a bit broken right now, it still works enough to appreciate and show the love to my next guest poster. When I first saw comments by Mr. Lady, I wasn’t sure if it was a man who was a mom or a mother who thought like a guy. And it wasn’t until I purchased the DVD of her annual donkey show in Tijuana that I learned the truth. And now she’s hear to share some truthiness with you.
Avitable graciously offered me a little slice of heaven his blog for the day, and told me I could do whatever I wanted to it.
I can’t remember the last time I got such an offer. How could I resist, really? But then I remembered that he has a blog on which he waxes about the invitingness (is to a word), or lack there-of, of plastic blow up girls’ anal cavities. I have a blog where I worry about whether I’ve caught corner of my left eye cancer or not. We don’t exactly have a ton of things in common, and so our readerships most likely don’t either, and so I am totally fucked because I said I’d do this for him and now I have to and you all are going to stone him for it so maybe I should just talk about Jehovah or something.
Or I could write what I know. And what I know is motherfuckers.
People like to call Avitable a motherfucker, a lot, but the god’s honest truth is that he isn’t. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever once fucked anyone’s mom. And it’s a damn shame, that, because god lawdy that boy is missing out. There is nothing in the world more fun than fucking moms, this I know for sure.
Now, you may think that I’m just saying that to make myself feel better, to somehow reconcile myself to the fact that I’ve had kids for 11 years and have 15 more to go before the last one goes to college. You may think that I’m just some elitist mother fighting for the rights of womynkind who thinks her shit doesn’t stink, but you’d be wrong. I know my shit stinks, and so does everyone who stood within a 5 foot radius of my birthing bed. Also, I conducted an independent survey of several married, nice, and let’s face it, dead sexy male bloggers with kids and they unanimously agreed with me…moms are way better in the sack.
Why? Well, for starters, once you’ve pooped on a table in front of your husband and your doctor and god and everyone while pushing an entire live human out of you, well, there’s really nothing left to ever feel ashamed about doing. EVER. And once you’ve overcome the poop boundary and the shame factor associated with it, well, you know. We’ll probably let you have your fun; it really doesn’t matter to us anymore. Worse things have happened, and at least that way we’re pretty sure you won’t knock us up again.
Also, once you’ve had someone’s shoulders catapult out of your vagina, there are precious few things left in the world you can’t fit up in there. And after you have a midwife, three student ob’s, a pediatrician, 3 adult cardiologists, 5 pediatric cardiologists, 4 student cardiologists, 4 members of the NICU team and your mother in law all stick their faces in between your legs at the same time while the whole area looks like a rotten grapefruit, you stop being so particular about who sees what on you and when.
Many girls are intimidated by lingerie, so maybe you can’t get your lady-friend to wear the Frederick’s bra with the nipple holes, but she’ll wear her nursing bra. Same thing. And I’m told that breast pumps make your cock look huge.
A mom will always appreciate your, “This is my Pokemon Evolved Form” jokes. Or at least she’ll convince you she does. A mom is a master at feigning interest in things; teletubbies, Dora the Explorer, how you can chop a worm in half and it will still live. A mother has to convince every child around her that what they are saying and doing is the single greatest thing on earth, and don’t think that mastery of faking it doesn’t translate into other aspects of her life, kiddos. You won’t have to think about that, though….you’ll never know.
A mom can swallow anything after having swallowed someone else’s vomit, catch any old thing flung in her direction after having caught someone else’s vomit, and when you’re finished, a mom can clean her own face with nothing more than her own thumb and some spit. Better than a Mr Clean Magic Eraser, for reals.
And most importantly, when you’re really bad, no one appreciates a good spanking more than a mom does.
The Love of a Mother
AvitaWeek 2008: A Message From Mother Avitable
For @mooshinindy: A letter to your baby #mozzi
Dying of laughter.
That’s right baby. I’m the best fucking lay out here cuz I’ve pooped on a table and birthed three babies.
To make it even kinkier, my last kid’s head was so damn big it got stuck in my twat and they had to break my pelvic bones to pry that fucker free.
There is nothing more degrading than that. Knowing your cooter had to be smashed because it couldn’t even squeeze a kid out.
After that, there is no reason NOT to put my ankles behind my ears and smile purdee for my husband.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Redneck Mommy, my oldest came out of me with a huge gaping bleeding hole in his leg. Yes, he got cut on the inside. Try to tell me that’s not awesome.
Twitter: theBitchinWife
says:
That was pure, unadulterated mom-brilliance and dirty delicious goodness.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@amy @ bitchin’ wives club, it’s surprisingly hard for me to say cock anymore. Especially since we spend all day trying to say anything but that. Currently, we’re holding with Weinerschnitzel. It works for us.
oh yeah. now i remember why i used to stalk your blog.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@melissa, the monty python references, huh? Lady killlers, those.
single best thing i’ve read in ages, why? because it so fucking true.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@jess, totally. This could have gone on all day, really.
Oh.my.HELL!
HA HA HA HA!
I totally, completely love you.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Loralee, you remember that when I drunk lunge you again and throw your back out.
Somebody tell Avitable he’s sacked
best case for some Milf action I ever heard
Damn funny
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Lee Brookes, I’m a one-hit wonder. Don’t sack him JUST yet.
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Well, he did offer to fuck my mom.
Excellent post!
Hey, those guys were all in my delivery room too–they get around!
Hey, how’s developing a vaginal hematoma b/c your kid scraped you on the way out, having surgery to remove it, then getting a staph infection and landing back in the hospital for a week sound for embarrassing beyond belief and badass all at the same time?
@Christy, holy shit. i’ll make you dinner in august. holy shit. i had no idea. too bad you can’t show that bad boy off.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Christy, I don’t ever want to bump into you in a dark alley, and that’s all I’ve got to say to that. You, my dear, are THE SHIT.
Indeed. New car smell only works for cars.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@BusyDad, OH MY GOD, I’m so stealing that line. It’s not like it would be the first time.
True dat, BD. I have been a motherfucker exclusively for seven years now, and don’t plan on changing. Also, this was pretty fucking funny. Well played, Mr. Lady, and flattery? Will get you everywhere.
@Ghost of Keywork, my only regret is that I wish I’d discovered it sooner.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Ghost of Keywork, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of, baby.
Twitter: momofali
says:
I am suddenly really happy that I had two c-sections.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Momo Fali, SHOW OFF.
Twitter: Tara_R
says:
Total brilliance.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Tara R., It’s not Stephen Hawkings or anything, but thanks.
You? are making me sorry I’m not going to Chicago next month. This is perfect.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Goldfish, maybe it’s actually better for your eternal soul that you won’t be.
Yea, you should see what Mr. Hot tries to get me to stick where. No one but a Mom would put up with it.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Ree, OH MY GOD MY EYES.
Too funny. Although I still wonder why I can’t get dh to fuck me.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@debb, because he’s an idiot? Men are idiots, yo.
Hilarious entry, but these mom posts and responses terrify me! Having a baby sounds hellacious. You can keep the title of best in bed…
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@cat, hellacious is the understatement of the year, sister. Awesome, but damn.
p.s.
I don’t mean to be a grammar nazi because my blog is riddled with misspellings (that’s probably another one), typos and bad grammar, but I never thought I’d see the day when Avitable would have a typo:
“And now she’s hear to share some truthiness with you.”
here/ hear… our Holy One is human after all!
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@cat, I make him stutter. I accept this.
@Redneck Mommy and @ Mr. Lady now I know why I am happy we guys don’t have the kids, yikes!
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Mik, lucky bastards.
Twitter: angellad
says:
Thanks be to Mr. Lady for telling me to read this (and for hosting me this weekend).
I laughed the whole way through.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Angella, and you slept at a safe distance, too. Smart girl.
True. Story. LMAO.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@MomBabe, sad-but-like-Metallica-true.
Twitter: sendchocolate
says:
This was beyond hilarious. And true. But I don’t advertise it. Still, nothing I look forward to more after a long day than climaxing. Off the charts. Keeps my head clear. Shhh! I should have another drink…
T.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Tina@SendChocolate, I’m a word of mouth girl, myself.
Did I just say that out loud? THOUGHT BUBBLES, seriously Avitable. Invest in some thought bubbles.
I am stunned silent. no WONDER Steve keeps pawing at me!
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Kori, I stunned you to SILENCE? My work here is done.
LMFAO – You so rock!
I will now conveniently leave this page open on Husbando’s computer so he knows what he’s in for
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Emily, or so that he’ll never let you hang out with me again. *sigh*
Freaking AWESOME.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Sybil Law, *gigglegiggle*
mr. lady, i love you.
Twitter: mrlady
says:
@Yo, that was all it took?
Awww, don’t let a good time scare ya.
I’m going to print this out for when I see you at BlogHer.
This was hilarious. I don’t have kids yet, but now I’m actually looking foward to pooping on a table while giving birth. By the way, gotta love the GoK.