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Things I learned at Universal Studios

Universal Studios

Yesterday I got bamboozled into skipping work and going to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure with Britt and Hilly. Having not been to the former in at least 10 years and the latter ever at all, it was a fun time and a learning experience. I feel that it is my duty, however, to pass on my recently acquired knowledge to you so that you can make the most of your trip to Orlando.

  • Dipping Dots may look cool, but they are a very poor replacement for ice cream.
  • The Express Plus pass that lets you cut ahead of people in line is worth every penny. Besides, you’re too good to wait in line with all the common folk.
  • If there is a ride like the Bilge Rat Express, where they provide a plastic waterproof area to put your valuables, you are going to get soaked. SOAKED.
  • The lap bars on the Jimmy Neutron ride may kill you by pushing your stomach through your spine if you have a waist larger than 38 inches.
  • There are some ugly people in the world, and they all like to wear clothing that is way too tight with buckets of flab hanging out all over the place.
  • It’s okay if your score gets beat by a 13-year old girl on the Men in Black ride. Even if she keeps crowing about it loudly over and over again.
  • Intelligent adult women will still scream at an animatronic shark that comes out of the water at a predictable point in time.
  • Valet parking is totally worth it so that you don’t have to walk to E. Fucking T. 400 to get your car. Even if the valets are all apparently 90 year old men who take 45 minutes to get your car.
  • The fudge in the shop at the entrance to Islands of Adventure is probably poisoned, so you’re lucky that the line was so long that you were unable to buy any.
  • The best way to dry your clothes after riding on a soaking wet ride is to take off your clothes in the backseat of the car you’re in and lay them out next to you. Even if you’re riding in a car with two women.
  • Complaining about the heat at a theme park is a good way to get punched in the nuts by all of the jealous people who are mad that you are an awesome boss and took off a Friday to go with two of your friends/employees instead of working.
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40 Replies to “Things I learned at Universal Studios”

  1. Dawn

    These comments are totally off topic but:

    1. I like the new blog format tweaks — it load quicker, I find.

    2. You look FABULOUS! I know you haven’t been talking, at least on your blog, about weight loss, but whatever you’re doing, it’s working.

  2. Poppy

    I spend the last hour and a half of work doing a CHKDSK /F/R on my computer because I literally had NOTHING to do. I almost left the building and walked to Florida. (Ok, not really, I almost walked to the train to go home. That’s close to Florida!)

  3. Sybil Law

    Hahahaha!
    I am jealous! Awesome day, awesome people – awesome boss!
    Dipping Dots – yech. Who the hell likes those?
    And nasty people everywhere wear entirely inappropriate clothes in the summer. It’s one of my most hated things about this season!

  4. Wendy

    No, no, no… how can you not be totally and madly IN LOVE with Dippin’ Dots??

    Other than that, I agree with you on just about every other point. So, to make up for that one lapse, you can give me all of your share of the Dots and all will be forgiven.

    Because I’m just generous like that. πŸ™‚

  5. Nat

    The GPs took The Boy (without us thank god) to Florida. He’s still talking about the MiB ride and beating my dad. I bet so is the 13 year old.

    I think they got a bit wet too.
    Sorry about the heat…

  6. Blondefabulous

    Hoo boy! We get the Express passes free because Universal thinks diabetic kids passed out in a long hot line is bad for publicity! We’ve had them for about two to three years now and OMG! So wonderful to just jump to the head of the line. Today we rode the Bilge Rat Barges 5 times in a row,(5 minutes in between rides), w/people who had to wait an hour and a half to get on! Yes, we got drenched 5 times! It was 100 in the shade today!

    I’d have liked to have seen your ride home yesterday.

  7. mountainmomma18

    My husband and I were there 8 years ago at which time I beat him at Men in Black and I have never let him forget it. And everytime I bring it up (which is often because I never win at shooting games) he swears somehow I cheated.

  8. Janna

    The best part was when you Twittered that it was so hot your balls were melting.
    Kinda makes me feel bad for the next person who has to sit in the Jimmy Neutron seat.

    (“Mommy, what’s this melty stuff all over the seat?”
    “Nothing. Just ignore it. Think about Dipping Dots.”)

  9. cat

    Good times! Did you buy your photo on one of those rides that automatically takes your picture at the most unflattering, scariest moment of the ride? Those are always fun!

  10. perpstu

    Dippin Dots are my enemy. The last time I ate them, I had half as spoonful roll OFF the spoon, down my chest and into my bra. I could not fish them all out and when I got home that night and stripped down, I had multicolored polkadots all over my boobs. Nice.

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