If we always had Twitter
(If you're looking for the contest winner, scroll down!)
Twitter, for those of you with your heads lodged firmly up your geriatric keisters, is a microblogging site where people can tell the world what they're doing, reply to other people who are saying what they're doing, and enjoy a global nonstop conversation. It's been around for a little over two years, and there are politicians, corporations, and celebrities using it alongside us common folk.
But what if Twitter had been around for longer than two years?
FBIWaco About to search the Branch Davidians. Can't wait to see the look on @DavidKoresh's stupid face.
9:45 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from webDavidKoresh @FBIWaco Fuck you, you'll never take us alive. I'm totally unfollowing you!
9:48 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from web in reply to @FBIWaco
Britney Oh my God, y'all! I totally forgot to wear panties today. Sometimes I'm so blonde! /giggles
9:01 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from webPaparazziPhotog @Britney Just asking idly, but where are you going clubbing tonight and about what time?
9:33 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from web in reply to @Britney
NBrown Totally just had the best sex of my life with @RGoldman. He's so much better than my ex, who had a tiny little dick.
10:24 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from webOJSimpson @NBrown WTF?!?
10:53 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from web in reply to @NBrown
PReubens Anyone know of a good adult theater in Sarasota? #porn
7:19 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from webSarasotaPD @PReubens Try the one on the corner of Main and Valencia. The cops never check it.
8:00 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from web in reply to @PReubens
KCobain If I don't get one million followers by tonight I'm totally going to shoot myself in the face.
1:11 PM April 5, 1994 from webCourtneyHole @KCobain, pfft, whatever, you pussy. You will not.
1:12 PM April 5, 1994 from web in reply to @KCobain
CaptMikeSmith I totally blanked on how to fly the shuttle. Do I press this red button? #Challenger
11:38 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBSAstronautRon @CaptMikeSmith N
11:39 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBS in reply to @CaptMikeSmith
JackieO It's such a nice day today, I'm going to insist we drive with the top down.
8:04 AM Nov 22, 1963 from teletype
In other Avita-news, thanks to the few of you who stopped by on Thursday to wish me a happy 5 year blogging anniversary and enter my contest for a free iPod Touch.
I chose the winner very simply. I used Random.org to generate a random number between 1 and 447. I counted the comments in the order that they were left, which means that a reply comment to comment #1 would not be comment #2. It would be comment #whatever based on when it was left.
Random.org chose 282. And the 282nd comment was . . . me! So I had it choose another one. This time, it chose 7. And the 7th comment was by Bluepaintred, who won the last iPod Touch I gave away, and is thereby ineligible (but I'll give you a free T-shirt, so email me)! So I had it choose another one. The third time was a charm – the number chosen was 328. And the 328th comment on that post is by . . . drumroll please . . . Casey from Moosh in Indy! Now, Casey asked me in her comment to rig this, which now seems totally suspicious, but I'm going to have to chalk this up to her having good Mormon karma that her number was chosen. Congratulations to Casey on winning the iPod Touch! Email me to confirm your win so I can get it ordered and sent out to you.
Thanks to everyone else for entering!
Posted in I am evil | Tags: apple, avitable, comedy, contest, dark humor, humor, ipod touch, twitter
Yay congrats Casey! Maybe she has some kind of special Mormon jedi mind tricks that she used on you!
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@Breigh, that's probably exactly it. But they're called "her boobs".
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that's hilarious.Both the post and the number seven.Please ignore my husband pouting in the corner because he still has to share the iTouch with me LOLZ
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@bluepaintred, email me if you want me to send you a T-shirt!
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see, now what I don't understand is how CourtneyHole would have been able to reply to KCobain 10 years before he made the comment. lol
:)
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@Blaine, thanks for the catch. I fixed it.
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@Avitable, it was funnneeeee!!! lol
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I already have an iPod Touch, but I thought I would try anyway. Congrats to the winner!
And I like the last one. hahaha! Does that make me warped?
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@Lynda, only as warped as I am.
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Those. are. awesome.
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@Turnbaby, thanks!
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Damnit, my elaborate double bluff of saying I didn't want the ipod didn't work.
and those historical twitters are just begging to be made into a regular blog feature.
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@Dan, I'm thinking I might do that. If I can come up with enough of them.
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Britney's spelling wouldn't have been that good.
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@Nat, good point.
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This is going to be daft, but I didn't want to enter the contest so I didn't congratulate you then – however, I wanted to wish you a happy bloggiversary
Loved the AstronautRon one!
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@Dee, well, you could have just opted out in your comment, but that's okay. Thank you very much.
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Haha I love the Kurt Cobain one. And congrats to Casey!
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@Karen Sugarpants, he gave into peer pressure. And we all know that's bad.
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I love the OJ Simpson "WTF?" line. Classic.
Oh and Moosh, go on with your bad ass self.
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@Hilly, ahh, Nordberg.
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Nice work, sir!
And congratulations to Casey.
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@Paticus, thanks.
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Suddenly having my bowels ripped open and spelunked has a tiny silver lining. And by silver lining I mean shiny black lining with apps and the ability to play back Yanni at ear bleeding levels.
Maybe this whole Mormon karma thing will convert more people?
Perhaps?
JOIN MY CHURCH AND YOU TOO CAN WIN AWESOME STUFF OF THE INTERNET!
Huh.
Worth a try.
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@moosh in indy., I'll totally join LDS to win stuff. I can still masturbate like a monkey, though, right?
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I've said it before and I'll say it again.
That Casey girl seems like a whore to me.
:-P
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@Miss Britt, total whore. Like whoa!
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ha ha HA HA HA HA HA!!! love the nicole simpson one . . .
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@cristina, murder is always funny!
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hehehe
great tweets
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@christie, show me your tweets!
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@Avitable,
https://twitter.com/chnnature
Favorite Tweet I've gotten from a friend:
Nobu!!!! I'm comin for you bitch!" I don't know why it was funny…..
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Nice.
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@cat, thanks.
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Actually, Twitter has been around for centuries. The technology just caught up to the point where ordinary regular jackoffs like you can view it. Here's an example I pulled from my American History textbook.
ALincoln – Mary wants to see that new play tonight, but I think we need to see it like I need a hole in my head. I'll go, but she owes me anal for this.
8:17 PM April 14, 1865 from whitehouse
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@Grant, I think I might love you. That? Hilarous.
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@Grant, you're right, I was wrong. I'm such a moron!
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Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Dude. Hilarious!
Yay, Casey!
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@Sybil Law, thanks.
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Perhaps that last one should have been from MrsKennedy. She wasn't Jackie O until AFTER JFK died. Just sayin'.
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@Finn, I took some liberties there.
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Note to self: PLEASE stop drinking your coffee while reading Avitable's blog.
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@lydia, does my blog make the coffee go bad?
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I enjoyed this so much, I consider this an anniversary present.
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@Robin, it's totally your anniversary present. How'd you guess?
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I love the "Great Twitter Posts in History." Those were hilarious.
And I'm crushed that I didn't win the iTouch.
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@Jay, sorry, man. One of these days.
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Congrats Casey!!
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@Stacy, don't congratulate her – call her dirty names for winning.
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If we always had Twitter I would have been complaining about not understanding the appeal for a much longer time now.
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@B.E. Earl, you would have given up complaining by now!
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Hahahahahaha. Brilliant. : )
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@John, brilliant might be stretching it.
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SimonPeter http://blip.fm/sjdkf23 "Your own (tap taptap) personal (taptap) Jesus…" 10:43am March 17, 25AD from ApostleTweet
SunTsu All war is based on deception dawnish spring, 450BCE from web
SunTsu I'm in Hawaii! Woohoo! ready for some sun and sand LOL http://bkite.com/230daDf dawnish spring, 450BCE from BrightKite
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@whall, Sun Tzu used the web?
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Awesome! Congrats Casey, you'll love your new toy! Happy belated Blogiversary big guy, I was off the blogosphere this weekend and totally missed it!
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@perpstu, thanks!
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Khrusch#1 – Joe looking ill. Call doc?
sent via ussrweb.com
later
Krusch#1 – Joe dying. No doc needed. New curtains in office needed. Color preferences?
sent via ussrweb.com
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@Kristin, nice touch with the ussrweb.com.
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Thanks for the glimpse into twitterland. I think I prefered the view from my geriatric keister.
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@Fantasy Writer Guy, nobody prefers the view of or from your geriatric keister.
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You're insane.
I love it.
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@Sheila (Charm School Reject), in the membrane.
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Awesomeness.
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@floating princess, sweetness.
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I wasn't aware there was such a thing as good Mormon karma (I wasn't aware Mormons believed in Karma).
As for the Twitter past, brilliant post. I laughed very hard even when I knew I shouldn't have.
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@martymankins, Mormon karma is a little-known aspect of the religion.
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Well, I know I'm late, but Happy Blogiversary anyway! And speaking of iPods and such, tell us all about your new iPhone. Is it way better than previous versions? I have a 1st generation iPhone, which I love, but I am tempted to upgrade.
J.
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@HoosierGirl, I like it a lot better, absolutely.
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Brilliant post! As a history teacher, this made my whole year. If I were still teaching, I would TOTALLY turn this into a creative writing assignment for my kids.
GenCuster-Who the fuck counted only 800 Indians?
JCaesar-Hey Brutus, have you seen my steak knife? I hear we're having bacon-wrapped tournedos tonight.
AHitler-Why won't that asshole share his ice cream cone with me?
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@NATUI, just give me some credit and send your kids to my blog!
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Someday you'll follow me back on twitter, despite my protected updates. It's a dream that I cling to.
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@Miss Grace, but is it a wet dream?
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@Avitable, Of course. Dry dreams aren't any fun.
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@Miss Grace, this is true.
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Cleopatra: Caesar can't get it up!
Caesar: @Cleopatra Where's my Viagra?
Einstein: God does not play dice with the universe.
God: @Einstein WHATEV! Going to play craps later. You in?
Gad! I'm so friggin' lame…
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@Coal Miner's Granddaughter, good try, though.
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Congrats to Casey!!
Blue, what the hell with the luck of the draw there??
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@Tug, she is obviously a lucky mofo.
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I guess your mom did you the opposite of an injustice by making you think the Challenger explosion is funny… because it hurts me every time I think of it.
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@Poppy, is that called a "justice"?
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@Avitable, don't be a smartass with me, young man!
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@Poppy, yes, ma'am. Can I help you cross the street?
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@Avitable, I'm still not giving you your helping old people badge.
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I'm gonna dork out for a moment: you are a cool dude to have these contests for people who read your blog. That's just wicked awesome.
–Joe "TFKoP"
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@thefinestkindofpork, I honestly appreciate all of my readers and commenters.
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This is awesome. Well done.
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@muskrat, thanks!
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Adam @Eve How do we get more followers on this thing?
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@Marinka, hahaha – genius!
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The N killed me. That is all.
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@Mr Lady, glad you appreciated it.
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I lol'd at the Cobain and Kennedy ones, even though I'm one of the Courtney-Did-It folken.
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