Morality is subjective

If we always had Twitter

(If you’re looking for the contest winner, scroll down!)

Twitter, for those of you with your heads lodged firmly up your geriatric keisters, is a microblogging site where people can tell the world what they’re doing, reply to other people who are saying what they’re doing, and enjoy a global nonstop conversation. It’s been around for a little over two years, and there are politicians, corporations, and celebrities using it alongside us common folk.

But what if Twitter had been around for longer than two years?

FBIWaco About to search the Branch Davidians. Can’t wait to see the look on @DavidKoresh’s stupid face.
9:45 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from web

DavidKoresh @FBIWaco Fuck you, you’ll never take us alive. I’m totally unfollowing you!
9:48 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from web in reply to @FBIWaco

Britney Oh my God, y’all! I totally forgot to wear panties today. Sometimes I’m so blonde! /giggles
9:01 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from web

PaparazziPhotog @Britney Just asking idly, but where are you going clubbing tonight and about what time?
9:33 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from web in reply to @Britney

NBrown Totally just had the best sex of my life with @RGoldman. He’s so much better than my ex, who had a tiny little dick.
10:24 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from web

OJSimpson @NBrown WTF?!?
10:53 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from web in reply to @NBrown

PReubens Anyone know of a good adult theater in Sarasota? #porn
7:19 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from web

SarasotaPD @PReubens Try the one on the corner of Main and Valencia. The cops never check it.
8:00 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from web in reply to @PReubens

KCobain If I don’t get one million followers by tonight I’m totally going to shoot myself in the face.
1:11 PM April 5, 1994 from web

CourtneyHole @KCobain, pfft, whatever, you pussy. You will not.
1:12 PM April 5, 1994 from web in reply to @KCobain

CaptMikeSmith I totally blanked on how to fly the shuttle. Do I press this red button? #Challenger
11:38 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBS

AstronautRon @CaptMikeSmith N
11:39 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBS in reply to @CaptMikeSmith

JackieO It’s such a nice day today, I’m going to insist we drive with the top down.
8:04 AM Nov 22, 1963 from teletype

In other Avita-news, thanks to the few of you who stopped by on Thursday to wish me a happy 5 year blogging anniversary and enter my contest for a free iPod Touch.

I chose the winner very simply. I used to generate a random number between 1 and 447. I counted the comments in the order that they were left, which means that a reply comment to comment #1 would not be comment #2. It would be comment #whatever based on when it was left. chose 282. And the 282nd comment was . . . me! So I had it choose another one. This time, it chose 7. And the 7th comment was by Bluepaintred, who won the last iPod Touch I gave away, and is thereby ineligible (but I’ll give you a free T-shirt, so email me)! So I had it choose another one. The third time was a charm – the number chosen was 328. And the 328th comment on that post is by . . . drumroll please . . . Casey from Moosh in Indy! Now, Casey asked me in her comment to rig this, which now seems totally suspicious, but I’m going to have to chalk this up to her having good Mormon karma that her number was chosen. Congratulations to Casey on winning the iPod Touch! Email me to confirm your win so I can get it ordered and sent out to you.

Thanks to everyone else for entering!

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93 Replies to “If we always had Twitter”

  1. Dan

    Damnit, my elaborate double bluff of saying I didn’t want the ipod didn’t work.

    and those historical twitters are just begging to be made into a regular blog feature.

  2. Dee

    This is going to be daft, but I didn’t want to enter the contest so I didn’t congratulate you then – however, I wanted to wish you a happy bloggiversary 🙂

    Loved the AstronautRon one!

  3. moosh in indy.

    Suddenly having my bowels ripped open and spelunked has a tiny silver lining. And by silver lining I mean shiny black lining with apps and the ability to play back Yanni at ear bleeding levels.
    Maybe this whole Mormon karma thing will convert more people?
    Worth a try.

  4. Grant

    Actually, Twitter has been around for centuries. The technology just caught up to the point where ordinary regular jackoffs like you can view it. Here’s an example I pulled from my American History textbook.

    ALincoln – Mary wants to see that new play tonight, but I think we need to see it like I need a hole in my head. I’ll go, but she owes me anal for this.
    8:17 PM April 14, 1865 from whitehouse

  5. HoosierGirl

    Well, I know I’m late, but Happy Blogiversary anyway! And speaking of iPods and such, tell us all about your new iPhone. Is it way better than previous versions? I have a 1st generation iPhone, which I love, but I am tempted to upgrade.


  6. NATUI

    Brilliant post! As a history teacher, this made my whole year. If I were still teaching, I would TOTALLY turn this into a creative writing assignment for my kids.

    GenCuster-Who the fuck counted only 800 Indians?

    JCaesar-Hey Brutus, have you seen my steak knife? I hear we’re having bacon-wrapped tournedos tonight.

    AHitler-Why won’t that asshole share his ice cream cone with me?

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